Post by neilsonwheels on Oct 5, 2015 0:26:51 GMT
Unfortunately things are not going well at work & I have been pulled out of managing by my boss(not quite sacked yet though). My productivity is so poor Im just not getting important stuff done & I'm crap at organizing. I'm there far earlier & later than everyone else & my manager is saying "I'm not even sure what you are doing all day, what are you doing?" In my own world I'm just insanely busy all the time, constantly worrying about getting everything done. She also said "sometimes we have a tendency to choose the work that's interesting & ignore the boring work" I guess I should have specifically asked her if she is referring to me, i guess she must have been, that's something i was not actually aware of in work(out of work yes), she has no idea i think i may have ADHD. It's a big knock to my already shoddy confidence.
My manager is also perplexed as to why it's taking so long to apply for an internal vacancy(the job i'm already doing but permanent) & thinks that I'm just not bothered about it. Truth is i really need it & I'm f**ked if i don't get it, my life is screwed. But of course its competency based, I have dyslexia & potentially ADHD-PI, I've been going through hell trying to do it, absolute torture & made even harder with things going a bit wonky at work. They offered help but I'm too embarrassed to show them what i've done so far as it's rubbish.
It's funny because I feel like i blag my way through work & get away with more than i should & things are now starting to fall apart a bit. It's amazing how far a bit of charm & being positive can get you, managers & some staff had a lot of confidence in me for some reason(undeserved praise, awards, consistent top box marks year after year). I think I started to convince myself that i had some ability. I'm now anxious about this new job, there is a lot of detail involved, paperwork & it is at very high pace, completely unsuitable tbh like every job seems to be. I think I may be putting too much hope into getting an assessment, that if it confirms adhd it will somehow, with support(drugs) turn me into a productive and organised worker & i will start to fulfill my promise or even have the confidence to look at other jobs. I almost want to give up now & just hibernate till that moment because everything will be easier. Of course this is a fantasy & reality bites. I feel a bit like i should make a confession to my boss & even my work colleges as an emergency measure "hey guys i'm really sorry about this but i think we all know deep down that i'm mostly shit at things here, let's just be honest" then i can live up to the person i really am instead of the person people think i am.
I must stop here, frustratingly writing this pointless drivel into the early hours of Monday morning. More words here in half an hour than i can muster for my comp based application that i have spent several weeks on. How odd how the brain works or doesn't.
My manager is also perplexed as to why it's taking so long to apply for an internal vacancy(the job i'm already doing but permanent) & thinks that I'm just not bothered about it. Truth is i really need it & I'm f**ked if i don't get it, my life is screwed. But of course its competency based, I have dyslexia & potentially ADHD-PI, I've been going through hell trying to do it, absolute torture & made even harder with things going a bit wonky at work. They offered help but I'm too embarrassed to show them what i've done so far as it's rubbish.
It's funny because I feel like i blag my way through work & get away with more than i should & things are now starting to fall apart a bit. It's amazing how far a bit of charm & being positive can get you, managers & some staff had a lot of confidence in me for some reason(undeserved praise, awards, consistent top box marks year after year). I think I started to convince myself that i had some ability. I'm now anxious about this new job, there is a lot of detail involved, paperwork & it is at very high pace, completely unsuitable tbh like every job seems to be. I think I may be putting too much hope into getting an assessment, that if it confirms adhd it will somehow, with support(drugs) turn me into a productive and organised worker & i will start to fulfill my promise or even have the confidence to look at other jobs. I almost want to give up now & just hibernate till that moment because everything will be easier. Of course this is a fantasy & reality bites. I feel a bit like i should make a confession to my boss & even my work colleges as an emergency measure "hey guys i'm really sorry about this but i think we all know deep down that i'm mostly shit at things here, let's just be honest" then i can live up to the person i really am instead of the person people think i am.
I must stop here, frustratingly writing this pointless drivel into the early hours of Monday morning. More words here in half an hour than i can muster for my comp based application that i have spent several weeks on. How odd how the brain works or doesn't.