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Post by tink on Oct 20, 2015 10:00:22 GMT
I really feel like i'm in an awful situation and i need to get it out and if anyone can offer their thoughts or advice, i would be really grateful.
ok... so... My daughter's b/f is living with us (my daughter, my husband and I). He's been here for around 5 months now. He and my daughter have been together for 3 yrs on and off. My husband and i employed him to work for us around four months ago.
This guy has had a seriously shitty upbringing and has major probs, although he's a polite enough and pleasant person. I believe ADHD is going on there too. Anyway, since he's been working for us, he's let us down on one day of the week when he doesn't wake up in time for work... so we leave without him. We have been on and on at him to get a better alarm clock, or to get up when my daughter gets up (at 7.30am), but he hasn't and doesn't. A couple of months ago, he had a nervous breakdown and i had to take him to the GP, who prescribed an SSRI and diazapam. His moods are up and down and he spends every weekend in bed.
he has no friends and spends all his time in the bedroom, when not at work. he's addicted to games on his mobile (he's spent hundreds of pounds on "extra lives") and his xbox. He has phobias about everything (certain foods, learning to drive, going to the pub, socialising). He hasn't been taking his anti D every day, i know... which is prob why his moods are so up and down. He's not agressive in any way.
My daughter has done so well. She's now on sertraline, which has helped her loads (she didn't like concerta side effects) and she has a steady job and is brill with saving money. She just wants her own little flat and to make a life for herself.... but he's hopeless and can't do anything.
Yet she just can't let him go... even though most of the time they row (yet another strain on our homelife).
My husband and I are really, really struggling with this situation. My daughter will have a nervous breakdown if we send him away. His mother and her boyfriend kicked him out and don't want him back. I don't think he could get another job - he messed up the last two (through lateness and unreliability).
When I went to the GP with him (who obviously had a note of his history - anxiety attacks at school and smoking weed since he was 12 - although he hasn't since he's been with us), the dr offered for him to see a psychiatrist (amazing suggestion on the NHS!!), but he refused, as he says he can't talk to anyone and won't open up.
I feel so trapped! I feel so sorry for him... no-one else will have him. I understand how lost and hopeless he feels... I empathise so much. But i'm trying so hard to deal with my own ADHD, getting on meds etc.
I don't know what to do...
it's all so stressful and desperate...
What would you do?
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 20, 2015 11:30:28 GMT
Oh dear, this is a difficult one.
I'm sure that writing it down and posting here will be a small help in itself - I find that it helps to clarify my thoughts.
My first thoughts are: can you do anything to help your daughter get her own place?
It may not have to be money, you could see if anyone you know needs a house-sitter, or has somewhere they'll rent out cheaply for a short time.
I think that the best solution for you and your husband would be for your daughter's bf to move out.
If that means that your daughter has to move out too, it's her decision and her life to make decisions about. If you can help, that's great.
You can still help and support her bf, even still employ him. If I remember rightly, is it gardening? Getting outside is always good, especially if he likes to play games alone.
It's frustrating that he won't take up the offer of therapy.
You don't say anything (apart from rows) about what your daughter is doing about her bf's behaviour.
He is not your son. He is there because your daughter wants him to be (?) Surely she must take some responsibility for the way that his presence/ behaviour
is affecting you all, as a family.
I'm going to stop here as I don't know enough about this situation. I hope that some of my observations may prove to be useful.
I hope you can work it out. Have a virtual hug from me x
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Post by tink on Oct 20, 2015 11:50:28 GMT
Thank you for your thoughts and ideas... I really appreciate it x
My daughter communicates with me and my husband very well these days... I think she finally realises the struggle I had with her for years as she now struggles with the b/f.
It's like having a child in the house (he is 23!). He can't cope with anything. He hardly speaks and has nothing to say for himself. I believe his development emotionally and intellectually has been severely stunted due to his v dusfunctional upbringing.
he and my daughter never go out or do anything. Not even shopping together. Their life is so empty... Just a lot of resentment towards each other. All he does is play his games... There is no intimacy between them.
Basically he he is completely holding back her life and will continue to do so. My husband (her step father) and I are v worried about her getting a place with him... He will bring her down. She has to do all the cooking for him (we won't eat with them, as he is so fussy, which makes it difficult).
I so wish their relationship would end, so that she can move forward. Trouble is, her ADHD caused friendship probs when she was younger, so she doesn't have any peer support...
he has nothing, other than our family. He has even mentioned not wanting to go on, when I've really pushed him to talk. I couldn't live with myself if we sent him away and he harmed himself...
we we don't really see him in the house, as he just sits on the bed playing games, watching tv or just sleeping.
he always says he's so sorry and feels so guilty. But it's the same old story every time he lets us down...
i feel eel like such a moaner... But I just don't know how to handle this.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 20, 2015 14:30:48 GMT
I think you've answered your own question.
I am not a parent, but it may be useful here. I presume your daughter is of a similar age to her bf?
She's an adult. Yes, she'll always be your little girl and you don't want her to get hurt. It is ultimately her decision if she stays with her bf or not.
You can talk to her about her relationship. Don't tell her that you think he's holding her back - it's just your opinion.
Talking to her bf doesn't seem to get you anywhere. I think that you need to talk to her about how you feel and how it affects the mood in the house.
As we are both women with ADHD, I know that it's really difficult NOT to try to help everyone.
He needs help, you've tried. I would probably feel the same way as you BUT IT'S NOT YOUR JOB.
I know that you'll take it as a personal failure if your help is rejected, or if 'something bad happens'
Staying in a bad relationship because they threaten to kill or hurt themselves is blackmail and control.
Staying in such a relationship because you're scared of being alone is not a good reason (she has family).
The short-term hurt and guilt that she'll feel if she decides to split up with her bf will be less damaging than staying over the long term - she's still very young.
BUT you can't tell your daughter what to do.
Give her your opinions and let her know that she has your support, whatever she decides to do.
Perhaps suggest that if they want to stay together they should find somewhere else to live together nearby, as having them both living with you is causing you anguish.
Sorry if my advice is not what you want to hear. Take care of yourself and your family xx
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Post by contrarymary on Oct 20, 2015 20:57:35 GMT
i'm so sorry i don't have anything helpful to add - my brain is fried atm - but wanted to send a supportive hug ((( tink))) xx
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Post by tink on Oct 20, 2015 21:33:26 GMT
Thank you vagueandrandom and contrarymary so much for your advice and support. I really do appreciate it.
i know you are right v&r... I'm just so soft, it's difficult... But I will be thinking hard about what you have said.
Contrary, I hope your head is in a better place v soon... I'm sure it will be. Sending positive thoughts your way.
thanks both.
xx
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 20, 2015 22:33:03 GMT
You're not soft, just too concerned!
You're not responsible for the well-being of the whole world! (I know, I think I am too!)
Take care of yourself, your partner and your daughter.
I'm really sorry that I can't help you more with the daughter's BF (if only it was so simple)
Love and best wishes xx
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Post by tessaract on Oct 21, 2015 3:05:07 GMT
Different perspective here. I grew up in a dysfunctional situation and left home at 16.
When, I remember one time when my bfs mother was buying me clothes and telling me to get my act together.
I bet its really hard to have a living situation like this.
Could I suggest some kind of a mini intervention?
Along the lines of: We like you, you are a good person but its becoming really difficult watching you live your life in a tiny bubble and it is having an effect on the atmosphere in our home.
The one thing that effected all my life was people giving up on me, over and over again. It only takes one person to see that he is worth something to want to change.
Just some food for thought. Not suggesting that you just bear with it but please dont just kick him out. I'm guessing that if he realises that he is no longer welcome he will translate that to feeling worthless.
If I was in your position I would tell him he needs to take some steps to help himself, with the help of the family. I'm telling you, even hearing those words from someone to say, "we wont give up on you and we are willing to help you".
You could change his life for the better, forever.
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Post by manson88 on Oct 21, 2015 7:06:26 GMT
I just wanna say well done for doing what you are doing!!!
When you have issues with your own health. You have given someone a home, a family, a job!
If a person has a job they have a purpose. Everything else follows.
Wow I just think it is special what you are doing for the young man...
Manson88
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2015 7:47:20 GMT
I think he is in the place where past failures have immobilized him.
He is scared.
Yet he cannot go on like this.
You all need to sit down and talk about it.
Yet that is a very difficult thing to do.
How do you approach such a sensitive issue.
Perhaps in a kind way.
Approach as a kind and worrried person
explain the implications of his continued self destruction.
The only person whom will really suffer in the end will be him.
He needs to talk out the past, analysis it and take the lessons from it.
There are things he may have done which just did not work, he needs to try something else
approach with caution. Tell him he deserves as much life as anyone else and that the past is the past and not to give up.
He is putting life off, in a mass self defensive procrastination.
You have to find some way of telling him your concerns.
Give him examples of what could occur.
Explain it would be cruel wrong and immoral for your family to keep him sheltered from lifes storms.
If he can't help himself then he is in real danger.
He is lost and deep down scared to try.
I think then it is a case of telling him the truth, setting a boundary and explaining he can't go on as he is. He will loose what he has.
He has to start the good fight for himself.
It is maybe what needs to be said and done.
Good luck
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Post by boomer on Oct 26, 2015 23:30:21 GMT
There's a drug for everyone. He needs to find the one that works for him.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2015 8:55:59 GMT
The one thing that effected all my life was people giving up on me, over and over again. It only takes one person to see that he is worth something to want to change. Just some food for thought. Not suggesting that you just bear with it but please dont just kick him out. I'm guessing that if he realises that he is no longer welcome he will translate that to feeling worthless. If I was in your position I would tell him he needs to take some steps to help himself, with the help of the family. I'm telling you, even hearing those words from someone to say, "we wont give up on you and we are willing to help you". You could change his life for the better, forever. It depends very much on the person. We had a similar situation with my ex brother-in-law and it ended up disastrous. Even after my sister had moved out and got the divorce, he was allowed to stay with my parents and given every opportunity to make something of his life. My parents invested a huge amount of money in him, the sort of figures I would never accept from them, and they ended up losing tens of thousands. He ended up suffering from psychosis and went back to the UK (he was a Brit living in the Netherlands) without, as far as I know, ever giving any kind of thank you, let alone an attempt to make up for my parents losses. I still love him like a brother and will help him should he ever show a serious attempt to get his life back on track, but no money and no spare bed. The worst thing for me was always that he had the best possible example/support: me. He realised early on that we had very similar problems, even though neither of us was diagnosed with ADHD at the time. There honestly couldn't have been a better situation for him. Instead of taking advantage of it, he wallowed in self-pity without ever showing any awareness of how much trouble he was causing. There is no excuse for such behaviour. I can therefore only advise to present him with a choice: Professional help, including (if needed) staying at a psychiatric unit, or out.
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