Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2015 20:10:53 GMT
(For those who wish to read and its too long just skip to the last para)
I decide that the next 10 mins of my life are the last ones that I dedicate to how sorry and pathetic my state is... it has been a year since the diagnosis, I remember the way the my dad ( who happens to be a developmental paediatrician) looked at me when i told him my scores on a school test and the fact that I had no explanation of going from a student who hardly ever got less than the highest marks to someone constantly struggling with studies... he knew it all along but that day my report card made him to come to terms with the fact that I have adhd and it was getting worse to handle the symptoms now that I was in secondary school. Its my last year of school and some really important exams are coming up in the next 5months starting within a week form today... I am not as prepared as others not because i did not study; when a paragraph takes 30 mins to complete you cannot possibly think of clearing the jeemains and advance (engineering entrance tests in india). I have struggled all my life it never came out though. People just kept wondering why is she so wierd, thank god for some really supportive friends who got used the fact that I spaceout a lot even during convos, teachers who never really understood why I blurted out every idiodic thing that came to my mind or why I just had to keep reading a novel side by side if I had to focus on my history lesson... I accepted the fact that I was wierd and moved on, thought that I was different and that I would never identify with anyone ever...
And then there came the time I had to confront the isue, no grades means no college in india (not the ones worth attending that is) and imagine to fall from being a topper to somewhere above average and that too after slugging through books 16 hours a day when all you need to get through life are good marks-I was broken, confused and absolutely ignorant of why this was happening. My father finally told me of what could possibly be going wrong and just like that in the 17th year of my life I was diagnosed with ADHD. I fear that I will never be able to get a good college, that I will never succeed, that I will never be able to fulfil any of my ambitions, that all my achievements up till now are a waste, that I am a waste, of space, time and my parents resources. Flunking every fucking target that you set for yourself is exhilarating and constantly you endure, plan, try harder and harder and again and again, harder each time and fail as if none of your hardwork existed... none of those hours of reading or solving matter ed because no matter what you do the reault remains the same- a loss:big and ugly hearbreaking, will-shatering LOSS.
How many losses, how many failures can one endure I asked myself today and the answer is infinite... I wont stop untill I clear my examination. I have 6 months of preparation left while others have been going at it for 4 years but I know that with the right amount of focus and strategy I will clear it and yeah my days of depression are long gone. All I intend to do is to use adhd to my advantage and come out victorious. I owe this to my parents, to myself, to all those people I need to prove wrong, now that I know what my problem is I will not leave it till I triumph it because I am not the one who quits anything and I cannot live my life regretting anything.
I decide that the next 10 mins of my life are the last ones that I dedicate to how sorry and pathetic my state is... it has been a year since the diagnosis, I remember the way the my dad ( who happens to be a developmental paediatrician) looked at me when i told him my scores on a school test and the fact that I had no explanation of going from a student who hardly ever got less than the highest marks to someone constantly struggling with studies... he knew it all along but that day my report card made him to come to terms with the fact that I have adhd and it was getting worse to handle the symptoms now that I was in secondary school. Its my last year of school and some really important exams are coming up in the next 5months starting within a week form today... I am not as prepared as others not because i did not study; when a paragraph takes 30 mins to complete you cannot possibly think of clearing the jeemains and advance (engineering entrance tests in india). I have struggled all my life it never came out though. People just kept wondering why is she so wierd, thank god for some really supportive friends who got used the fact that I spaceout a lot even during convos, teachers who never really understood why I blurted out every idiodic thing that came to my mind or why I just had to keep reading a novel side by side if I had to focus on my history lesson... I accepted the fact that I was wierd and moved on, thought that I was different and that I would never identify with anyone ever...
And then there came the time I had to confront the isue, no grades means no college in india (not the ones worth attending that is) and imagine to fall from being a topper to somewhere above average and that too after slugging through books 16 hours a day when all you need to get through life are good marks-I was broken, confused and absolutely ignorant of why this was happening. My father finally told me of what could possibly be going wrong and just like that in the 17th year of my life I was diagnosed with ADHD. I fear that I will never be able to get a good college, that I will never succeed, that I will never be able to fulfil any of my ambitions, that all my achievements up till now are a waste, that I am a waste, of space, time and my parents resources. Flunking every fucking target that you set for yourself is exhilarating and constantly you endure, plan, try harder and harder and again and again, harder each time and fail as if none of your hardwork existed... none of those hours of reading or solving matter ed because no matter what you do the reault remains the same- a loss:big and ugly hearbreaking, will-shatering LOSS.
How many losses, how many failures can one endure I asked myself today and the answer is infinite... I wont stop untill I clear my examination. I have 6 months of preparation left while others have been going at it for 4 years but I know that with the right amount of focus and strategy I will clear it and yeah my days of depression are long gone. All I intend to do is to use adhd to my advantage and come out victorious. I owe this to my parents, to myself, to all those people I need to prove wrong, now that I know what my problem is I will not leave it till I triumph it because I am not the one who quits anything and I cannot live my life regretting anything.