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Post by shiveringsky on Oct 30, 2015 11:39:25 GMT
...and not the cool kind who gets their own brand of crisps named after them.
The house mate and I have been fighting tooth and nail of late. Over the most pithy and stupid things. But he makes me feel like a monster.
Last night we went to do a shop. He drives, I dont. When we got there he saw a space and started to pull in to it then through to the next one.
"Boot." I said gently. A reminder that we needed access to the boot so on this occasion it wasn't really practical to park with the bonnet facing out into the lane. It's something which has happened many times before and i was amused at how he always forgets this practical point (this is the one i mentioned before who i think may be a lil ADHD himself).
"Sorry. Sorry!" comes the reply, the wheel wrenched to the left as we drive out and around again to another spot. Which was unnecessary, but I said nothing at first. I was already treading carefully. When he pulled into a different spot I turned to him with a smile "Can I ask you a question? And it's just about my curiosity." "OK" Wariness from him. "Why this spot?" I was interested. He is my best friend and I love trying to work out how his mind ticks. I find figuring out where he's coming from greatly decreases my own annoyances over trivial matters. No answer, just the sudden reverse of the car. "Sorry! Sorry!" and him glaring at the road ahead like he wished I was in front of the car not in the seat next to him.
I tried to explain I wasnt having a go, just curious. We have had this conversation again and again too. But I have always been like this. We've been friends for over 9 years now... but still my questions to him are so often taken as insults even when I am being mindful of how I ask. He makes me feel like a bully and really misunderstood. I dont ask all the time or about everything. I guess he figures i am doubting his decisions, but im just trying to understand as our logics are so many worlds apart.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2015 14:25:34 GMT
You're not a monster, just a non-driver! If he has issues with distractibility, he will likely be incensed by interruptions when he is trying to park. I just repeat my mantra "Let me drive, please" and block passengers out completely, if they try to park my car from the passenger seat... Curiosity is not a valid defence in a supermarket car park!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2015 15:09:24 GMT
Ah - he's taking it as an implied criticism of his driving.
Once you'd said 'boot' you should have STFU to allow his pride to recover - don't mention it ever again la-la-la I'm not listening style.
NO supplementary questions allowed. Perhaps ever. Deffo not for quite a long time ie at least several hours and only if you're either side of a nice bottle (or similar) and completely relaxed.
Most drivers, especially the male ones, are quite touchy about their performance and rate themselves highly, even when they're patently rubbish. Sometimes it's best to let that conceit ride.
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Post by shiveringsky on Oct 30, 2015 18:26:16 GMT
Ha! Point taken with the driving... I'm an arse. I know that. But he was parked when I asked! I wasnt distracting him from driving. Just from... getting out of the car apparently. He nearly choked the engine restarting it to drive us elsewhere.
I will try gagging myself in the car from now on. Literally. Doubt I could shut up any other way. We're a ridiculous team, but there is a lot of love amidst the frustration.
The thing is that was one example. Do you think I should also STFU when it comes to cooking or what record to put on? Anything can trigger this same cycle and it usually ends in me retreating to my bedroom wishing I didnt have a brain and never ever said anything or offered an opinion.
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Post by shiveringsky on Oct 30, 2015 18:29:37 GMT
And now I sound like one of them aul biddies... :/
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Post by clubby on Oct 30, 2015 19:30:20 GMT
I have sympathy shiveringsky because I see that you care, but interrogation is not a good way in this instance to understand or even accept how a person operates. I have the same problem with my hubby and it took me a long time to have the self confidence to say "thank you for reminding me to do the things I forget, but don't rattle on trying to micromanage me like i'm an idiot". My dad had alzheimers and on one occasion when he was well gone I took him for a meal with friends. He insisted on ordering the wine and I knew there was going to be a wreck. But I was wrong, he ordered like a pro and I felt so ashamed that I had doubted him an interfered. The point is that you cannot hope to understand the brain and it's idiosyncrasies, you can only accept and learn through experience. No matter how great your plan is to park the car is, there are a thousand other ways, none of which can or need to be explained.
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Post by contrarymary on Oct 30, 2015 21:21:35 GMT
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Post by manson88 on Oct 30, 2015 22:02:15 GMT
shiveringsky (without any offence) I kinda now how your friend feels.. That's how I feel when I'm trying to do something example parking the car. I'm a professional driver like @planetdave. I'm in the zone doing a risk assessment of parking the car and doing it in a safe manner. Then let's say my wife says boot lol. I take it personally. Why cause you are being focused and attentive on what you are doing then someone says boot and undermines me making feel in adequate. It was the same thing this year we had very little money and all she done all summer was complain about us having none and not getting away. In July I was depressed really low. She was making me feel worse. Feeling as if I was In adequate not being able to provide a holiday. Or provide for the kids. Then she started to dictate to me how we were going to spend a day in the summer. I wasn't included in the day but was expected to go along with it. I just felt trapped, confined, restricted, under pressure then my mood changed got really low scary stuff as well. Walking around tesco looking at blades for suicide idealism... When things go this bad it's time to do something about it... Scary Stuff, Now I have recovered, I have removed myself from the stress. I moved out a couple of weeks ago. The chains are broken from her. I only have to answer her text messages. I'm now going through the process of keeping in contact with the children and arrange agreement around access.
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Post by shiveringsky on Oct 30, 2015 22:11:45 GMT
OK... I dont interrogate. I used a bad example and now every response comes back to that.
If the point here is to prove how criticism can make you feel like shit I would say job done. The boot was a practicality. He is no happier about having to form a line to pass the bags along from front of the car to the boot, or over the passenger door and into the backseat - as has happened on occassions where someone has parked too close for us to open the boot up.
manson88... I'm not entirely certain how much you want me to make comparison between my situation and yours. I'm trying not to read too much into it, but it does rather feel like you're comparing me to someone who complains all the time and who my housemate would be better off getting away from. And that feels incredibly personal.
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Post by contrarymary on Oct 30, 2015 23:00:04 GMT
shiveringsky sometimes when I start threads I have one thing in mind but the posts end up fixing on one bit which wasn't my main bit. or people read into the thread something which i didn't mean. or people layer their own experience/interpretation on top - sometimes helpfully, sometimes misunderstanding completely, or going off on a complete tangent because it's reminded them of something else that happened to them i don't think any of the above is meant personally, and clearly everyone has a parking story getting back to your original post, I wonder whether you and your friend have been having particular issues communicating recently or if this is a variation on a longterm pattern.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2015 23:28:52 GMT
OK... I dont interrogate. I used a bad example and now every response comes back to that. If the point here is to prove how criticism can make you feel like shit I would say job done. The boot was a practicality. He is no happier about having to form a line to pass the bags along from front of the car to the boot, or over the passenger door and into the backseat - as has happened on occassions where someone has parked too close for us to open the boot up. manson88... I'm not entirely certain how much you want me to make comparison between my situation and yours. I'm trying not to read too much into it, but it does rather feel like you're comparing me to someone who complains all the time and who my housemate would be better off getting away from. And that feels incredibly personal. I'm thinking the opposite, actually... Since the first post, I've been getting distinct "lovers' tiff" vibes....
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Post by Bee on Nov 3, 2015 2:33:11 GMT
I absolutely hate the word 'Sorry' as an answer to anything other than the question 'a word to mean apologize... 5 letters?'
If I ask you a question, no matter what the question, its because I want to know something - NOT because I'm attacking you. If I thought it was a bad place to park I would have SAID "this is a bad place to park!" Not bloody asked what made you park here.
If someone opens a cupboard and doesn't close it and I ask 'why is this cupboard open?' I don't want an apology, I just want to know if it's been forgotten about, if you're coming back to it, would it be helpful for me to close it since I'm here?
Saying 'Sorry' is the quickest way to get on my grumpy side!!
I don't understand it either. I'm inquisitive, I'm nosey, I like to know stuff - this is not new information to people around me. So I simply don't get why asking a question causes some people to get all uppity!
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Post by shiveringsky on Nov 3, 2015 2:50:44 GMT
Bee... yes that's basically it. And I can see how, as above, it can be interpretted as in insult but it's not! It's more like... if I sort this out, are you going to be inconvenienced? Have you done this for some reason I cant see? If so that's something I can totally learn from. Teach me!
I'm not backwards about coming forwards myself when it comes to actually voicing an opinion. I prefer to be direct. A question is a question.
Sorry everyone else if I got a bit sensitive before. Contrarymary, yes it's a variation on a theme which has been running for years. The situation is hurtful not just because of my annoyance when met with "sorry" when he has absolutely nothing to be sorry about, but because it highlights that the person I feel closest to in the world doesnt read me right either. And that makes me feel by turns hopeless and incredibly isolated. I think that's why I wrote here, probably. Trying to distill that fear gripping me. And why i in turn got freaked out by the responses.
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Post by Bee on Nov 3, 2015 3:40:34 GMT
I suppose I can see too how it could be seen as having a bit of a dig, when so many other people use questions as a form of attack. "What do you think you're doing?!" "What's wrong with you?!" That kind of thing. But that's not me. And exactly as you said, sometimes you need to ask questions to try to understand someone else's point of view - especially if they're not going to be particularly forthcoming with an explanation themselves. I get that maybe I'm not always a *delicate* question-asker, and even though I try to be gentle and sensitive there might be times when I'd do better to "STFU", but its my nature. I don't understand people easily and the only to find out is by asking. I'm with you shiveringsky. I think he was over-reacting.
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Post by Bee on Nov 3, 2015 4:24:38 GMT
Also, on a slightly different note; this was posted on the Venting board, which has only two rules.
The second rule stating that all replies must be 100% supportive....
I'm seeing a lot of people putting in their pennies, but not necessarily being supportive.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2015 10:34:24 GMT
The second rule stating that all replies must be 100% supportive.... Very true. But we're not hidebound about the rules as long as the spirit is maintained.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2015 11:40:41 GMT
Mea culpa. I came here through "recent posts" and didn't realise this was the venting board. I was trying to be light hearted in my response, but I don't know if that came over. I think you nailed the problem when you described him as the person you feel closest to in the world. You want to feel understood but he doesn't seem to get it. I don't think you are an arse at all and I'm sorry if I implied that. You seem, like many of us here to be a very sensitive soul but, because we are by nature prone to speak our minds without always filtering, I think we can come across sometimes as people who can dish it out but not take it, if that makes sense. Sometimes I say terribly outspoken things, and then when the other person responds in kind, I am mortified and want to crawl under a rock! Even though I started it! Two things I am learning, which may or may not be relevant to you: 1. Nobody can make us feel anything. Our feelings are your own, and are a product of our upbringing, our personality, our experiences to date, etc. Someone disagreeing with us doesn't change our value as a person. It doesn't mean one of us is necessarily wrong, just that there is a problem between us to be worked out. 2. The Golden Rule, to treat others as we ourselves would like to be treated, was oversimplified and doesn't take into account individual differences. We actually need to treat others as they would like to be treated, which is so much harder if they only reveal themselves to us in grunts and angry parking manoeuvres... You seems to be a lovely, sensitive person. I don't know if this guy is someone who is able to talk things through, but maybe an opportunity will arise at a neutral time, when you could try?
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 3, 2015 15:23:10 GMT
shiveringsky empathy my absolute worst thing in the world is to feel misunderstood. i don't know why, it's as tho it causes me to crumple up inside. and the closer i feel to the person, the more it hurts to feel misunderstood.
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Post by computermandan on Nov 3, 2015 15:30:17 GMT
I come lightheartedly to announce I ALWAYS do the boot forgetful thing, aiming for the joyous sense of achievement gained by getting one of those pull out forwards without having to reverse in spots. I always get gently reminded "boot" by my OH (she knows what I'm like too).
I also do the mad drive around the car park in a huff looking for "next best" space, (internally thinking "dammit should've reversed") I regularly pass "humpty dumpty" comments about how that space would have been fine, then proceed to blame everyone and everything (including inanimate objects and the functionality of my car) for making parking difficult whilst badly driving/parking...
at which point the OH rightly tears a strip out of me, I add some expletives to the mix and we "go shopping" in grumpy fashion... usually with me heading straight for shoe shops (they have seats you know!)
I don't think it's pride, maybe a mix of distraction and an overly-snappy reaction - whilst attempting to focus on the job at hand along with frustration that you didn't get it right first time.
I do exactly the same overreaction when anyone talks in my house when I read, am watching an intense moment on TV... or when I'm trying to clean something or do something focus-y lol.
I don't always get why my family get so upset by it either - surely they get I don't mean it by now???
Feel for you - maybe try adding humour to your inquisitiveness... when OH takes the mickey I can't help but laugh and she gets her way then!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2015 17:48:11 GMT
ADHD and driving, in mu experience, is a bugger
I can drive on the roads, no problem
But parking, no
Places with crappy parking no
I hate parking
so much so I always find parking places miles from central town centres
Hey walking is good for ya
Grrr parking
Grrrrr
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2015 17:48:43 GMT
reverse parking...no way
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Post by shiveringsky on Nov 6, 2015 13:57:51 GMT
Bee... Thank you. I really needed that. Not like I'm prone to oversensitvity and impulsiveness or anything , but the only thing which kept me at one point from deleting the entire thread was being unsure if removing mine would be enough to do that or not. I felt really exposed and horrible. All the worst things confirmed. Just that little bit of support was really made me feel comfortable on the board again. Everyone else... thank you too. I know nothing bad was intended by your support of my dear friend. And you did give me something to think about too. I cant change that part of me. The inquisitive part. I don't want to either. It's how I've learned to figure out my own fit in a world which wasnt built for the likes of me. Understand the other side. But I am to going to try a new approach. Before I ask these questions at times which I know from experience can be triggering, I will ask myself what I need more; Satisfaction of my curiousity, or peace on earth. And as for computermandan you made me laugh. I can easily imagine his thought process being the same in that sense and it definitely helped. He's not very good at opening up but he is trying. If me shutting up a bit more stands a chance of helping him then I have to try too. I just hope I can.
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Post by computermandan on Nov 6, 2015 16:27:35 GMT
lol me no do opening up either... much to the OH's dislike chin up
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Post by Bee on Nov 7, 2015 0:54:55 GMT
To be honest, I felt quite upset as if some of the comments had been directed at me. Perhaps I was being oversensitive too, but to me it seemed a bit too much. If someone is already upset by a situation it seems a bit callous to be jumping in and telling them they were wrong.. Not very helpful. I'm glad I helped make you feel a bit better - of course, just because I'm backing you up doesn't mean we're right, it probably just means we're BOTH wrong!
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Post by shiveringsky on Nov 9, 2015 14:06:08 GMT
To be honest, I felt quite upset as if some of the comments had been directed at me. Perhaps I was being oversensitive too, but to me it seemed a bit too much. If someone is already upset by a situation it seems a bit callous to be jumping in and telling them they were wrong.. Not very helpful. I'm glad I helped make you feel a bit better - of course, just because I'm backing you up doesn't mean we're right, it probably just means we're BOTH wrong! Haha! But just as misery loves company, so too does complete incorrectness.
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