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Post by Wavey75 on Nov 2, 2015 12:03:58 GMT
Our 16 year old who turns 17 a week before Christmas this year, is ruining her life .. and ours.
She has a history of self-harming and she has been referred to the young persons mental health 3 times now.
Over the years she has become more and more vile, nasty and rude. She recently spent the night in hospital for her 2nd overdose attempt, both of which were with Paracetamol, which I don’t think will kill you, but will do some damage.
Her priorities are:
1. Herself 2. Her social life, e.g. friends & boyfriends. 3. Her phone or laptop. 4. Her Family, unless something else more pressing crops up.
She has told us she does not want to live with us anymore. Her reasons vary from week to week, but the reasons are that she feels she doesn’t need a curfew, she does not think it’s fair to limit or restrict her internet and she also thinks she doesn’t need to keep her bedroom tidy. and she has a problem with me, more than her Mother, but she has some very nasty words for me. Sat sat up and calmly turned to me and faced me to say “I fucking Hate you.” It hurt, but I know it’s not really how she feels.
When she was 14/15 at School, her attendance was shocking, she would always play sick to get out of going. She got so good, she actually developed physical symptoms in her chest and was told she had a condition that swells up in her chest muscles. No doubt this is a real condition, but it is not as bad as she made out as this would only be severe when she was highly stressed.
We noticed that she was only getting these flairs of pain on School days and when out on the weekends she reported no problems, so we came up with a rule for her, she must attend a minimum of 4 out of 5 days of school or she is grounded that weekend.
Well, I don’t need to tell you that her attendance improved dramatically. So, we kept it going.
She now goes to 6th form as she did shockingly bad in her GCSE’s, which she admits was because she didn’t work hard. I should point out that she is more than capable of top grades.
She is among the first to be in a mediatory eduction, trying or work program until she is 18 years old.
She was also taken in by a 23 year old young man who turned out to be a sex offender who had been grooming her and at least 11 other young girls, as he was on probation for previous charges, etc. long story short, he was convicted and sent to prison for 3 years, If memory serves.
She still talks about him and says she wants to see him in prison, but not for a while.
It was this incident that we decided not to treat her the same as her older sisters and we gave her n earlier curfew on School nights of 8:30pm and 10pm on weekends, etc.
She was ok with this when she was at School, but now it’s a problem.
One of her friends left home and went into care. This girl is addicted to smoking legal highs and had a miscarriage at 15. At one point I overheard her saying she would suck this boy off for a cigarette, just to paint the picture for you.
Anyway, this girl told my daughter that things were brilliant with her foster home. She got a brand new contract phone, money given to her everyday, etc no chores, no time limits, etc. and our daughter thinks life will be great for her too, eve though this other girl is now living back with her Mother, but only because her Mother begged her to come back home.
So, the problem is that our daughter thinks that she can move out into some halfway house or into her own place, or she with her friends, all the time she is going to college, without a job, without any adult supervision, etc.
Her boyfriend is also a real catch too. He told her she wasn’t allowed to go to her therapy appointments, and she has recently become sexually active and she’s not using condoms because he doesn’t like them. Thank christ she has that rod in her arm, although she came home this weekend and she has honeymooners disease, but because there was a bit of blood there, her friends have told her she’s had a miscarriage and she believes them. It’s official, our Daughters turned into a moron.
We also found out recently that on top of her smoking, and maybe legal highs too, she has done cocaine.
Now, we have decided to let her go, but we’re not doing all the running round and form filling for her, that’s down to her.
The real concerns are:
1. Is there some rule that if your child spends less than 3 nights a week in your home that you need to report her as no longer living with you or something? 2. How can we get her to abide by our rules and stay at home on School nights?
It’s her phone, her sim, none of it is ours, it’s all hers and she has already said if we take these things away she will call the police. I contacted the police later on, who said yes, that would be stealing! I was gobsmacked.
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 2, 2015 15:03:44 GMT
she sounds very unhappy, evidenced by self-harming, overdoses and manipulative relationships. it must be v difficult to live with.
paracetamol can easily be fatal from a small overdose; it destroys the liver. i lost a good friend to paracetamol.
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Post by Wavey75 on Nov 2, 2015 19:58:58 GMT
And she's resistant to help from us and has refused things like a joint therapy session with all of us and her therapist.
I was aware of Paracetamol doing liver damage, I meant to say that of the pills and drugs we have in this house, paracetamol is the least damaging, if you are trying to off yourself as she is, etc.
I want to help her, but the general advice we've been getting is, let her go and find out if the grass really is greener, etc. but she's so stubborn, she'd never admit it to us, or by the time she realises it, she's in too deep and made irreversible, bad decisions.
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Post by Wavey75 on Nov 9, 2015 21:32:59 GMT
She came home tonight with an attitude, speaking to us both like crap, then stormed off because she didn't get the answers she wanted. She called her Mother upstairs about 15 minutes later, in tears to talk and she had just called childline and she and her Mother exchanged a few words and she packed a bag with her things in it and walked out saying she can't stay here.
Neither of us tried to stop her, as the Police told us before that if we did, we would be holding her against her will, which is a crime.
But what do we do now? Who do we call? She is a risk to herself as she has already tried to kill herself twice and she has a long history of self harming.
Surely, there should be something that we can do to make sure she is alright?
After all, she is ill in the mind with issues and she is not willing to discuss any of her problems with us, her complaints are only about her not being allowed to do what she wants when she wants without penalty.
I don't know if I this is a phone call to social services or to someone else I cannot think of?
Any ideas or suggestions would be welcome.
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Post by positiva on Nov 10, 2015 3:23:14 GMT
Being an ADHDer with a kid is basically the hardest thing on the planet.
It's near impossible, in fact. What follows is a terribly assumptive post which may be of no help.
The only way you'll get her back is to admit all fault. In case there is any doubt in your mind, it is *always* our fault. I mean this with utmost sincerity.
She is going to need an exceptionally stable, homely, positively reinforced environment if you hope to bring her back from the brink. Unless you've nailed medication, diet and personal achievement, in all likelihood, this will be impossible for you to provide. This was not an easy message to type but I hope you realise it comes from the best of intentions. I've made my own daughter cry without realising and it was heart breaking to watch. I've heard the anecdotes she's told others and I can't quite believe it's me.
I believe you can still correct this but you may have to change eveything that you are.
Best of luck.
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Post by Wavey75 on Nov 10, 2015 9:40:02 GMT
If you take me out of the equation, she still has these problems with her Mother, who is handling her most of the time, as anything from me, including just breathing is wrong.
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Post by blaze on Nov 10, 2015 16:24:45 GMT
Being an ADHDer with a kid is basically the hardest thing on the planet. I disagree with this compleately (and i have twins with a way longer list of (suspecte) disabilitys than my own) I find my lack of impulse control & hyper sensitivity means i react on instinct - which i find means i am v intune with them & understand their emotions & can help them learn to manage them. I've allways found this within work also - teens in care & mh mostly- and there are a number of adhd strengths that are documented as positive for parenting. & personaly i find i love the naturaly ever changing exciting parts of parenting within the necessary natural routines that balance my day & prompt me to take better care of mysf also. Everyones experienves of having adhd are different, generalising isnt helpful. Even if having adhd & parenting were super tough for all im sure there are those struggling worse. I It's near impossible, in fact. What follows is a terribly assumptive post which may be of no help. The only way you'll get her back is to admit all fault. In case there is any doubt in your mind, it is *always* our fault. I mean this with utmost sincerity. She is going to need an exceptionally stable, homely, positively reinforced environment if you hope to bring her back from the brink. Unless you've nailed medication, diet and personal achievement, in all likelihood, this will be impossible for you to provide. This was not an easy message to type but I hope you realise it comes from the best of intentions. I've made my own daughter cry without realising and it was heart breaking to watch. I've heard the anecdotes she's told others and I can't quite believe it's me. I believe you can still correct this but you may have to change eveything that you are. Best of luck.
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Post by aetheling on Nov 11, 2015 17:24:20 GMT
If you take me out of the equation, she still has these problems with her Mother, who is handling her most of the time, as anything from me, including just breathing is wrong. My heart really goes out to you! I'm not a parent so can't really know exactly what you're going through, if you did let her find out for herself she probably would come home some how, my sister did, some not really friends eventually couldn't cope with living with her anymore and phoned my parents, told them where she was and to come get her. The chances are you're daughter will meet someone eventually who will hear her story and let her know that it isn't remotely fair on the people with a crap family and no one who loves them, to act out like this as if that's her story too. Perhaps she needs the adrenaline or drama of these things? There are lots of young people like that, and one day the cold light of day will hit them and they realize, one day someone like their loving parents isn't going to come and rescue them and things have gotten beyond a drama and actually really fucked up -.- people who don't have anyone who loves them or is coming to get them don't have the option to fuck things up in quite the same way. Like, she knows it wasn't a miscarriage (you pointed out she's smart), but it's a drama and people should empathize, the friends probably gave her a lot of false attention and indirectly received some for being her friend from people they told hence why they were eager for her to believe that. My sister acts out and says she hates people and pushes them away, but the more people become distant the angrier she is with them, they're supposed to love her enough to keep fighting to keep her, and still blames my parents for all the things they didn't force upon her for the better. I don't want to draw too many similarities between your daughter and my sister, but I do have an insight into what it is like to live with someone and love someone that can be volatile and naive and basically all the things you described. Have you considered looking back and seeing if something traumatized your daughter? Was there any more to that older man? Or perhaps something or someone else you don't know about? I find it very hard to see where the damage of the trauma ends and my sister begins, so overall I just take nothing personally because she's just trying to manipulate because she wants/needs something from me, it seems more second nature than contrived. But then I'm a sibling so it's not like it's my child or my responsibility or my broken heart each time she says something =/. My mum is in your situation and my dad is in your wife's, it may on the outside look as though my dad is closer to my sister, but I would guess you already know that isn't true, it's like divide and conquer. What are her relationships with her siblings? Could they help communicate and talk sense into her? I really do feel for you and your family and I'm sorry I couldn't offer anything useful. I will say I don't think we handled our situation correctly, I personally think tough love is what we should have done, but my dad chose to wrap her in cotton wool and had the final say and now years later she's still the same, but more self centered almost because she thought she had every right to behave the way she did because she was wrapped in cotton wool and told she could do anything and it's not her fault and everyone loves her regardless, will pick up the pieces regardless. Tough love might have forced her to sort things out herself, like when a child tantrums and you leave them to tire out and carry on with your own stuff until they're done. It's a tough one. My mum can do that sort of thing (so gets treated like shit) but my dad can't (so gets treated like shit). Maybe you might find her meeting a new crowd of people or just age starts to straighten things out? My sister was a bit older than your daughter is, so tough love might not be the right thing when she's so young, or it could be more effective? My parents tried to move away from the area so we'd all have fresh starts, like quite far away, and at the last minute because my sister was older she decided to move in with her bfs family and we had to move without her, houses were already sold and bought, perhaps if things get that drastic that's something to think about? My sister has since had to come home to my parents and she did do things a bit differently after, met a few too many scary friends along the way etc.
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Post by Bee on Nov 12, 2015 10:04:15 GMT
This puts me in mind of my best friend in school. She was always a bit odd, which is probably why I loved her so!
She always hated her step dad, and said he was ruining her life. I took it as normal teenage drama. Then her mum was ruining her life, and within a couple of years I was ruining her life too.
She went from being good fun to be around to being irritable and blaming everyone else for everything that was wrong in her life. She became obsessed with people, she couldn't just fancy someone.
She once got to the point of actually borderline stalking someone who she'd never had a conversation with but said she loved.
She wouldn't let me anywhere near her to help, and truth be told I wouldn't have known how to help anyway. She missed some of her exams and didn't hand in coursework because she was too busy with her NEW love. Her new obsession.
She ran off with him, moved in. Fell in love with his best friend. Moved in with him instead. Tattooed his name on her arm. They stayed together about 5 years, but I don't think it was happy. Broke up with him and whilst trying to drown herself in the sea was stopped by the person who has become her newest love.
She was volatile. She was difficult and EVERYONE was ruining her life. She was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I bloody loved her, but there was nothing I could do.
She lives far away now, with the guy from the sea. I don't know if she's happy, but from sneaky facebook checks she does seem to be. She's about 26 now.
I don't really have advice I'm afraid, I know you want to protect her. But I think there are just some people who will fight back more the harder you try.
I expect my old friend will regret everything she's done, but no one could make her see that, and trying to force her would only have made her more resentful.
I hope your daughter sees sense in the not too distant future.
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Post by Wavey75 on Nov 12, 2015 12:41:05 GMT
What really pisses me off about this situation, the various departments in social services, NHS. etc all tell her she can have her own flat and £70 a week in her hand, all free welfare handouts from Mr and Mrs Tax payer, all because she needs help with depression and typical teenage angst and puberty, etc.
20 years ago, the local beat officer would give your child a whack round the head, tell them they are stupid for treating their family so badly and that would be the end of that.
But today, with the immense pressures from social media and the internet on top of children going through that difficult time we all go through, we now have the situation where we as parents are attending a course over 5 Friday mornings to help us understand our child with mental health difficulties, where we spent 2 hours last Friday making collages of our "happy places" by cutting out pictures from old magazines and we all were given a blank piece of coloured paper, pre cut into the shape of a leave and asked to write down a positive word and the staff used glue to stick these leaves onto a larger coloured paper tree stuck on the wall.
I can honestly say I have never felt so patronised as I did during that 2 hour morning, no wonder they provide free tea and coffee - it's for the caffeine to stimulate you, I just wish it worked on me that way. Oh well, only 4 more weeks to go.
All of this is provided by my my local NHS trust's young persons mental health department, the same department who have accepted the last 4 referrals from various professionals for my daughter to help help and all of which have failed to help her. What's even more annoying is, my Daughter's therapist knows what has been tried in the past and her solution is to try it again?
I have since found out that the therapist does not have the authority to recommend any other course of treatment, she doesn't even have the power to state that a treatment is not working, when she can see it isn't helping. I know mental health in the NHS is under-funded, etc but I don't think that assigning a child with a history of self harm and 2 suicide attempts under her belt, a staff member who can see she cannot help, but can only repeat previous attempts to try non-prescription treatments, such as CBT and mindfulness.
I am pro mindfulness, it really works for me and pain management. But a stubborn 16/17 year old girl with depression and a history of 3 previous staff members trying the same or similar treatments should really be offered appointments with a staff member who is qualified to decide who is the best person to help her, before she succeeds in her upcoming 3rd attempt.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2015 17:16:18 GMT
Your daughter is entitled to the same help and benefits as anyone else in her situation. She clearly has more problems than the average teenager and she needs extra help right now. Hopefully the help she gets will relieve you all of some tension as she recovers, but regardless, it is important that you support her as best you can right now, just for her own sake, even if you don't understand the purpose of it. I think it's great that you are attending the therapy group, even though you are not enjoying it. She will benefit from knowing that you support her, so just grit your teeth if you can and vent here (and not at home! . I don't know what has caused your daughter's distress, but I believe it is fairly common for it to take a long time for young people to feel able to talk about their problems with a therapist, and group interventions can be helpful in their own right, even if you as the parents don't always feel you know what you are doing there at the time. Just try to stick with it if you can.
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Post by Wavey75 on Nov 14, 2015 22:52:40 GMT
Hi @pelargonium,
I don't think you have quite grasped what's going on here. She has walked out, without our consent, not been back since, that was over a week ago.
The NHS mental health for children, have had 3 previous referrals where they thought CBT would help, but it hasn't, so now with this new 4th referral, they've decided to try ... CBT.
During these referrals, she has tried to kill herself twice.
While all of this is going on, there's some moron at the council who thinks she will benefit from living alone, in a flat with all her bills paid for and a hand out of £70 a week for food and she will blow it all on her friends on booze, fags and drugs, she's pretty much said this to one of her sisters.
My feeling here is that this money would be more useful by paying for a therapist for her who is qualified to make use of ALL possible solutions and find the best one for her, which I think would be a course of low dose anti-depressants, preferably in a weekly patch, like a plaster on the skin.
What angers me is the mental health unit have let her and us down ... BIG TIME. The councillor she sees she is not trying, not trying at all. But, she is not qualified to make a decision on this, she can't even raise this with her manager. Why on earth haven't they given her a mental health assessment? she's tried to kill herself twice, both times with a night in hospital, and both times they send a guy along who basically asks her 2 or 3 short questions which she knows the right answers to and she's free to go.
This course we're on., also organised by the children's mental health NHS, is totally and utterly useless, it really is. I am only going (and I am dragging my wife there too) so that this children's mental health unit & the Council can't point there finger at us and say we haven't tried, no other reason now.
The course is titled "Helping you to understand your child's mental health. Well it doesn't do that, it's all about tea and biscuits and us thinking positively, etc, etc.
For week one, we had to find pictures out of these magazines to create a collage of a place or thing that makes us happy. Now, I personally find this insulting and patronising as they didn't bother to ask us if we are capable of doing this now, which I know my wife and I can, quite easily.
On weeks 1 & 2, we've been given coloured paper to write a word on it that we think describes how we think our children are feeling or thinking. There are some parents around the table who say "It's good to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with my child." and "It's nice to know I'm not alone". Now, I don't find this helpful at all, as I knew long before I was invited to a course on understanding your child's mental health that I wasn't alone. I searched online and found 100's of results of parents posting on forums for help and advice.
It's a total waste of time and money and I am 100% confident I will gain nothing from attending the whole 5 weeks. But I will attend all 5 weeks.
My daughter has threatened to kill me while I sleep, so you can guess that she's not impressed at all by us attending this course, especially when there's a woman at the council who is offering everything she wants for nothing - party central here we come, is what she's thinking.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2015 1:18:46 GMT
It sounds horrendous and I really am sorry you are all going through this. Given that she's 16 then, legally, I'm not sure she needs consent to leave home and so it may simply be the case that she is entitled to those benefits, assuming that what she is reporting is correct. It sounds unlikely to me that a struggling single person with no dependents would be given a flat the first day they present at the benefits office, but as a young adult she probably would be offered some sort of sheltered accomodation. To answer your OP, yes, if your daughter has not come home in over a week, and if you consider her to be vulnerable, you can phone social services and ask for the Duty Officer on the children and families team. You can also phone the NSPCC if you prefer, who also offer advice and support to concerned adults in cases where young people are known to be vulnerable, and they can make a referral to social services for you, with your consent. I have phoned the NSPCC myself to discuss a case where I wasn't entirely sure if there were adequate grounds for a report, and they took me through a standard structured interview and then passed me to someone senior for a more specific chat, which was really helpful to work out what needed to be done in the child's best interest. For this purpose, you can call them to discuss the complexities of help available for a 16 year old, as they routinely help young people up to age 18 and beyond, to see them through the transition into adulthood. www.nspcc.org.uk/what-you-can-do/report-abuse/From things you've posted, it sounds as though your daughter has been in at least one sexually and emotionally abusive relationship, and she is very, very distressed. I don't know what the answer is, but I honestly don't think you are being realistic in wanting to take the decisions for her about the way forward. You need to recognise that, however she is behaving, she is legally a young adult now and you cannot control her, you can only guide her. By all means set boundaries at home but try to recognise that she is free to choose to move out if she wishes. At 16, an 8.30 curfew does seem unusual to me, even if you think you have her best interests at heart. It seems as though both of you are taking very rigid and extreme positions. She wants freedom without responsibility, you want to impose restrictions on her as if she were a much younger child. As regards treatment, with young people especially, talking therapies are almost always recommended as a first line treatment for people suffering emotional distress. The local mh services may not be great, but it is also possible that they are not disclosing everything about your daughter's case to you, because she is a young adult to whom they have at least a limited duty of confidentiality. Anti-depressant medications can increase suicidal thoughts in young people and the doctor will have to weigh up the risks very carefully and take your daughter's views and history into account before prescribing anything. If your daughter does not want them, it could be very dangerous for her to take them unless she is commited to following prescribing advice. At the moment she seems to be rejecting your attempts to control her in quite strident ways. But ripping off an anti-depressant patch in a moment of distress could have serious consequences. Honestly, Wavey, I do feel disturbed by some of what you are saying. I don't know if you are being flippant but you are a few years younger than me and we both know that it has never been legal in our lifetime for police officers to physically abuse young people, and violence has never been the answer to another person's distress. In your OP, you are talking about the sexual abuse of your daughter and her friend, when they were under the age of consent, almost as if it were their fault, or as if they are bad people for having lived through some disturbing times. From my perspective, what you told us about the daughter's friend is entirely about what has happened to her, not about who she is as a person. The fact that she had an abortion at 15 tells me that she was quite possibly violated at an age where she was legally unable to consent and she does not deserve to be violated again via the internet, no matter how unfit you feel she is to be a friend of your daughter. The most disturbing thing to me about the anecdote is that you, as a grown adult man, are choosing to share this young woman's private life on the internet, in a way that you expect will cause us to judge her negatively. The two young women are at a very sensitive age as they transition to adulthood, and they need this kind of sexual shaming to stop, full stop, if they are to recover and learn to value themselves. I know I am saying harsh things, I don't think you necessarily meant what you said to come over in the way I read it but, seriously, if I were you, I would take a step right back from discussing your young adult daughter's sexual activity, and concentrate on the emotional and practical side of things. I can also hear your unhappiness with the therapy group loud and clear and I wonder whether the rest of the group are picking up the same feeling. You will have to decide for yourself how you are going to handle that but remember, your daughter is watching you and learning from your example about how to respond when things don't go your way. If you want to have a positive influence on her then maybe you could grit your teeth and show willing in the group, and try to fit in with the other parents just for her sake, to show her an example of the appropriate adult way to get on with life even when you don't feel like it. You may not tecnically have said anything out loud but if you approach the group meeting with the same contemptuous feelings you are describing here, then other people will identify it from your general attitude and behaviour. Why not take control of yourself, the only person any of us can really control, and see if you can influence your daughter by showing her what pleasant cooperation looks like? I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. I genuinely do care about your situation and I wish the best for you all.
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Post by Wavey75 on Nov 15, 2015 10:25:32 GMT
Hi @pelargonium,
Yes, I was being flippant re: the beat officer giving you a clip round the ear, etc.
All of the things I am saying here are things I have not said to my daughter and I do not see her to say anything else, she will not come home at all now, when she did come home, it was from 8:30pm until she left for college the next morning, and she would spend that time in her room.
I don't think I have spent any time with her in months, but this is her choice not mine and we have offered things like "would you like to do something fun with us? can you think of anything you would want to do and we can do that one this this week or next week, etc".
Regarding her MH, I understand that CBT does work more often than not, but after 3 previous failed attempts surely there should be an alternative, maybe not pills or patches, but something other than just repeating what she didn't listen to or is refusing to work on.
From her perspective, why should she even bother to work on any of this when this clueless council worker is offering her party-central with her own flat and income, no curfew, no school or college and no parents?
As far as the group is concerned, our daughter has no idea we are attending and it's parents only, so she can't see how frustrated I am. I am treating it as a bit of a joke and a coffee morning, rather than it providing anything with any worthwhile substance, but I'll be there should anything useful come out of it, I doubt it, but let's be positive... now, where did I leave my sticky back plastic and empty loo rolls... :-)
Our daughter has only been sexually active for the last 3 weeks, her mother is certain of that much, I never discuss this topic with any of our girls with them directly when they were around this age and younger.
As far as her friend goes, I doubt their is much truth to some of it. a long time back now, our daughter came home in disgust that this friend of hers performed oral sex for a cigarette, she was most disgusted at the time. Now though, she is basically living with this girls and her 2 drug sealing brothers and her mother who is some sort of pot-junkie and does nothing, doesn't work or try, she claims from the DWP and then doesn't pay any bills until she is evicted and then they move to another address and start the whole thing again, vicious circle
Hopefully, that has answered all of your queries and cleared any confusion up.
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Post by blaze on Nov 15, 2015 20:44:38 GMT
I don't think it matters terribley much if you actually voice these things to your daughter because she will pick up on the unintensional non verbal cues anyways- and alot of what you say here has a strong victim blaming, misogynistic tone.
A child prostituting herself for a cigarette (or anything) is a victim, a child at risk, not someone who needs others disgust. If your dd was disgusted that would have been the time to model compassion, disguss safe guarding etc- the attitude of a father figure towards the sexual abuse of her friend would teach her alot about her own self worth and how to expect men to treat her.
i agree with pp that it sounds like your dd has already been the victim of grooming,and i don't here the truama of that acknowledged in your posts.
I would also agree with other pp who mentooned bpd. It's also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder, and there is alot of talk within professional circles that it's interchangable with comlex post truamatic stress disorder- it maybe easier for you to respond with compassion if you look at it from this pov. Attachment disorders/negative attachment patterns also have a close link to pds.
You aee saying that cbt *hasn't worked*- but it's not that simple. Cbt isn't put in place as the quick fix it once was, while i can't know how your dds t is implimenting it the approach generally adopted to cbt with mh services these days takes into account the supportive counciling/patient/client relationship model the same way other therapies do. The fact it hasn't *fixed* your dd doesn't mean it's not working - it may have a positive effect later on down the line as she matures naturally. It's not as simple to look at it from the outside and know what works or not, and actually even being the person on the inside it isn't allways obvious if therapy works or not at the time- it can be a slow burner. There are very unfortunate limits to nhs services, even more so now sadly, and seeing a consitant therapist is often moreimportant than the actualy type of therapy itself. Especially for young people.
if your dd has both tried to kill herself & said she wants to kill you it sounds like the family relationships are currently toxic, while a flat herself may not sound safe or supportive from her pov it may feel more so than home at the mo.
If you have any way of accessing an asist course you may find it very helpful, or even the literature surrounding it. Same goes for non violent communication. And pp is spot on that nspcc can be useful for 16plus youngesters at risk also. Youngminds website perhaps also, bpd world/mental health world forums may be worth a try. Certain counciling skills modules can be free/discounted under some curcumstances. I would also see if you can look into a local advocacy &/or befriending service for her as you feel she is beimg let down by services involved. And maybe siblings or other damily members she cknnects with would be in a more effective position to intervene.
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Post by Wavey75 on Nov 15, 2015 22:40:01 GMT
blaze, Dictionary: misogynist |mɪˈsɒdʒ(ə)nɪst| noun a person who dislikes, despises, or is strongly prejudiced against women. a bachelor and renowned misogynist.This is not me at all and it reads like you're labelling me one, to which I take offence. There are no non verbal cues or any other cues for her to pick up on - I have said repeatedly that we don't spend any time together by her own choice. This coming week there is to be a meeting where a member from mental health, the council housing officer and from the youth department, along with others and her mother and our daughter will all be there and a decision will be made by all these peers, hopefully by end of this coming week. My original post was asking if anyone knew where we would stand concerning things like Child Benefit, etc. but I have since found that out and with this meeting coming up short notice it no longer matters as there is to be a final decision made very soon and that will be the situation resolved. If the outcome is that she is to be granted this flat with her own income, then I know she will cut us all of completely and after an amount of time she will contact her mother and things will start to improve, but I suspect it will be on her terms throughout. If the outcome is that she can either move in with a host family with more rules than us or stay at home with us, then that will be the difficult one for us. We have already discussed this and we feel it would be better if she went to a host family so she could realise that things are no better for her away from us and then she would (hopefully) start to think about what she's doing, saying and perhaps even her future. It's at this point where therapy would be optimal, as she would be open to working on it, instead of her current attitude towards it. Things will be clearer for our situation soon and I am hoping for our sakes and our daughters sake that a sensible decision is made that will help her, rather than risk her.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2015 9:18:38 GMT
"My original post was asking if anyone knew where we would stand concerning things like Child Benefit, etc. but I have since found that out and with this meeting coming up short notice it no longer matters as there is to be a final decision made very soon and that will be the situation resolved."
To clarify: I suggested calling Social Services or NSPCC because I thought you were concerned about the vulnerability of your daughter. You didn't mention that your actual concern was about Child Benefit rules, in the OP.
I'm not coming back to this thread, because it feels as though we have very different views and I dont think it will be helpful to keep talking at cross-purposes.
It seems things have moved on now in any case and I wish your family all the best in the meeting this week.
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