Post by vagueandrandom on Jan 7, 2016 20:13:38 GMT
I can't believe how stupid I've been!
People always wonder why a nice person like me has no friends and is scared of relationships.
It just hurts so much. It's all I want and what I'll never be able to have.
So this is the story. . . for about 4 months I've been writing to a guy that I met online and it developed into emailing, texting, whatsapping
nearly every day. . . sometimes deep into the night. . . he fancied me. . I told him not to be stupid because we've never met or spoken (we still haven't)
We both have similar MH issues. We agreed to be friends. We were. I let my guard down and actually let myself care about him.
I haven't done that in years. That was my mistake.
After being off-grid for a week, I said hello and he replied by telling me that he'd got a girlfriend and it was going quite well.
Which I'm actually quite pleased about because I know that's what he wanted and I can't/don't want that kind of relationship.
BUT. . all I can think about is that he won't be there for me at 3am when I can't sleep, or I'm having a meltdown, or just feeling lonely. .
I feel heartbroken and betrayed and I know it's irrational and I know that I need and demand more than it's probably possible for someone to give.
It's happened so many times before. That's why I always keep a distance, don't let anyone in, don't trust, don't care
because even caring a little for me is impossible - I care too much - and I'm always going to be let down.
And there'll be more days like these when my emotional pain is almost physical and I can't stop crying. .
and I know that I've blown everything out of all proportion and that most people don't have this reaction.
Most people have friends who have other friends and relationships. I can't cope with that.
My few remaining friends I see individually, away from partners and other friends.
I can't believe that I let myself do this again. I don't think I can ever change.
I hate myself so much right now.
People always wonder why a nice person like me has no friends and is scared of relationships.
It just hurts so much. It's all I want and what I'll never be able to have.
So this is the story. . . for about 4 months I've been writing to a guy that I met online and it developed into emailing, texting, whatsapping
nearly every day. . . sometimes deep into the night. . . he fancied me. . I told him not to be stupid because we've never met or spoken (we still haven't)
We both have similar MH issues. We agreed to be friends. We were. I let my guard down and actually let myself care about him.
I haven't done that in years. That was my mistake.
After being off-grid for a week, I said hello and he replied by telling me that he'd got a girlfriend and it was going quite well.
Which I'm actually quite pleased about because I know that's what he wanted and I can't/don't want that kind of relationship.
BUT. . all I can think about is that he won't be there for me at 3am when I can't sleep, or I'm having a meltdown, or just feeling lonely. .
I feel heartbroken and betrayed and I know it's irrational and I know that I need and demand more than it's probably possible for someone to give.
It's happened so many times before. That's why I always keep a distance, don't let anyone in, don't trust, don't care
because even caring a little for me is impossible - I care too much - and I'm always going to be let down.
And there'll be more days like these when my emotional pain is almost physical and I can't stop crying. .
and I know that I've blown everything out of all proportion and that most people don't have this reaction.
Most people have friends who have other friends and relationships. I can't cope with that.
My few remaining friends I see individually, away from partners and other friends.
I can't believe that I let myself do this again. I don't think I can ever change.
I hate myself so much right now.