fudge
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Post by fudge on Jan 26, 2016 18:44:20 GMT
Hello all. I went to the Maudsley conference on Fri (which was excellent) and was struck by how very very positive Helen was (the lady who is the subject of the Victoria Derbyshire doc on adults with adhd). I had not seen the doc and watched it a couple of days ago and cannot stop thinking about how she said she would never give up her adhd.
Am interested in what everyone else thinks. I have always associated that part of myself with negativity. I have always self-recriminated and self-loathed....in seems odd to contemplate embracing it all.
What are your thoughts?
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Post by anopheles on Jan 26, 2016 20:56:38 GMT
It's hard.
I call it the 'handcuff dilemma'. If we wear two handcuffs, we are safe and secure (and so is the world around us), but the restriction and the concentration it takes drives us mad and kills us inside and wears us out.
No handcuffs, on the other hand, is where we have the dream scenario of acting without bad consequences or not caring about the consequences. Most of us have well developed, if flexible, consciences and we care. Perhaps overly.
One handcuff is what we need. The freedom to act, but with some restrictions imposed by ourselves or others.
Our executive processes are faulty, unlike our senses of shame and guilt.
This is easier said than done, naturally, but we have to separate out our deliberate actions from those caused by our faulty wiring.
If you do something deliberately, then the shame is earned. If you do something caused by inattention or carelessness, then you did not choose to do a bad thing, so you should feel no shame.
Also, try to keep a sense of scale. We tend to react to all our little 'Hiccups' the same, from leaving a tap running, to causing a motorway oil up!
If you drop a cup, what of it? Two handcuffs mean you apologise until people weary of it, no handcuffs mean you dismiss the damage, regardless of sentimental value or other factors. One handcuff says 'oh, well, it's a cup. I'll watch out for that happening again'.
Wow, I waffle. Sorry.
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Post by shapes on Jan 27, 2016 0:24:35 GMT
I've given up self recrimination and self loathing. I'll tell people (that are worth talking to) about things that I have difficulties with. You need to be comfortable with who you are. I wouldn't even use terminology like "faulty" to describe our differences.
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fudge
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Post by fudge on Jan 27, 2016 19:03:55 GMT
It's hard. I call it the 'handcuff dilemma'. If we wear two handcuffs, we are safe and secure (and so is the world around us), but the restriction and the concentration it takes drives us mad and kills us inside and wears us out. No handcuffs, on the other hand, is where we have the dream scenario of acting without bad consequences or not caring about the consequences. Most of us have well developed, if flexible, consciences and we care. Perhaps overly. One handcuff is what we need. The freedom to act, but with some restrictions imposed by ourselves or others. Our executive processes are faulty, unlike our senses of shame and guilt. This is easier said than done, naturally, but we have to separate out our deliberate actions from those caused by our faulty wiring. If you do something deliberately, then the shame is earned. If you do something caused by inattention or carelessness, then you did not choose to do a bad thing, so you should feel no shame. Also, try to keep a sense of scale. We tend to react to all our little 'Hiccups' the same, from leaving a tap running, to causing a motorway oil up! If you drop a cup, what of it? Two handcuffs mean you apologise until people weary of it, no handcuffs mean you dismiss the damage, regardless of sentimental value or other factors. One handcuff says 'oh, well, it's a cup. I'll watch out for that happening again'. Wow, I waffle. Sorry. Oh that's good. If you press the 'quote' button then u can see what u r responding to! Very important in this case because the handcuff analogy is confusing my brain. But I tjink it's a good one. I think I'm a two hand cuff person. I tjink I probably drink in order to shake off the hand cuffs.
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fudge
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Post by fudge on Jan 27, 2016 19:04:46 GMT
I've given up self recrimination and self loathing. I'll tell people (that are worth talking to) about things that I have difficulties with. You need to be comfortable with who you are. I wouldn't even use terminology like "faulty" to describe our differences. GOOD FOR YOU!!!
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fudge
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Post by fudge on Jan 27, 2016 19:09:22 GMT
I've given up self recrimination and self loathing. I'll tell people (that are worth talking to) about things that I have difficulties with. You need to be comfortable with who you are. I wouldn't even use terminology like "faulty" to describe our differences. GOOD FOR YOU!!! I agree I need to be comfortable with who I am. I cannot though. I love meeting people who are comfortable in their own skin. They are so pure and non-stressy and ready for anything. I tjink u r right to not use 'faulty'. How about...'revolutionary'. A bit like the mutants in x-men. In fact I think Helen (from the doc) said at the Maudsley conference that she felt ADHD-ERS were operating at a higher level than the normals (I am para-phrasing)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2016 14:30:47 GMT
I never think about it - very happy with myself.
That doesn't mean I'm not stressed or consider myself finished or actually look comfortable but I'm definitely not beating myself up.
I'm not fatalistic - just 'whatevs' about ADHD. I work with/around it because it's there, like a paving slab in the footpath that sticks up a bit.
I have several rescue animals, all of them 'damaged'. They are not ideal pets but I understand that they are who they are and get on with it. I apply the same to myself (but I definitely don't use the word damaged).
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Post by anopheles on Jan 30, 2016 21:04:45 GMT
I wish i could be comfortable with myself.
I'd swap the all the intelligence, the creativity, the energy for consistency or the ability to do... anything in a heartbeat. I know my 'moments' are usually not my fault, but I wish something 'everyday' would just come naturally, but nothing does. I can't be trusted in kitchens, offices, anywhere. I'm only comfortable in my own head.
I wish there was a way to be asleep all the time. In my dreams I come alive.
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Post by fuzzywuzzy on Jan 31, 2016 0:38:40 GMT
I'm a bit of a contradiction... from the moment that I knew that I had ADHD, 3 years ago (but prior to formal diagnosis), I began to be comfortable in my own skin, really for the first time in my life....and that has just grown stronger and stronger.... I'm happy and it is only insight that has finally enabled that... But that same insight has revealed the true severity of the impairment, such that my real world functioning isn't any kind of functioning at all, and that's what I keep being judged by....of course I'd be fine (ish) if left to my own timescales, my judgement of success each day...but since I'm not, I think I would have to say that I too would nonetheless swap it in a heartbeat, just to achieve in other people's eyes
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fudge
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Post by fudge on Feb 2, 2016 13:33:23 GMT
I wish i could be comfortable with myself. I'd swap the all the intelligence, the creativity, the energy for consistency or the ability to do... anything in a heartbeat. I know my 'moments' are usually not my fault, but I wish something 'everyday' would just come naturally, but nothing does. I can't be trusted in kitchens, offices, anywhere. I'm only comfortable in my own head. I wish there was a way to be asleep all the time. In my dreams I come alive. Oh god me too. In Ned/Ed Halliwell/Hallowell's book 'Driven to Distraction' he talks about the preponderance of people with ADHD-ERS in the states and part concludes that the orginal pioneers that went to America probably wouldn't have impulsively upped and left their homelands to go somewhere new if they had not had ADHD. And as ADHD tends to run in families..... I mention it because it puts a good spin on having ADHD: Boldly going where no one has gone before etc... I know there are good things about me which I could probably attribute to the ADD but really really really I just want to be the kind of person who you can rely on. Who gets things done. Who is not an erratic, stressed out mess with a load of unfinished tasks and lost items and unfulfilled goals.
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fudge
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Post by fudge on Feb 2, 2016 13:43:20 GMT
I'm a bit of a contradiction... from the moment that I knew that I had ADHD, 3 years ago (but prior to formal diagnosis), I began to be comfortable in my own skin, really for the first time in my life....and that has just grown stronger and stronger.... I'm happy and it is only insight that has finally enabled that... But that same insight has revealed the true severity of the impairment, such that my real world functioning isn't any kind of functioning at all, and that's what I keep being judged by....of course I'd be fine (ish) if left to my own timescales, my judgement of success each day...but since I'm not, I think I would have to say that I too would nonetheless swap it in a heartbeat, just to achieve in other people's eyes Well! I have only just had confirmation today that I definitely have it. There was one final test to do last week. I have managed to get my knickers in a twist about it becsuse it dawned on me that I might just be a hopeless, ditzy, idiot which would explain my life. Thank god I've got an excuse now. It makes me feel better BUT I still feel vulnerable. I cannot imagine revealing this to people. When I told my husband that the first course of action in these cases is to take medication he said to not take the easy way out. I know my business partner, and friends will just think it's an excuse. Actually - not all my friends. But I ain't broadcasting it because I don't want to be judged! I agree with you. I would swap it in a heart beat. I would swap it for diabetes (my sister's dilmemma); high cholesterol (my husband's issue); .... Cannot think of mental health issue equivalent....
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hunch
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Post by hunch on Feb 8, 2016 23:45:04 GMT
It is really hard,
For years I beat myself up for not being able to get the simplest things done or go off on a tangent and fail to achieve. I constantly failed to do things and alway seemed to spend my life apologising for my failures. When others couldn't see my creative solutions at work I put that down to me just being stupid and making stuff up. All this really messed up my self esteem. However, when I realised I had ADD, life made a lot more sense to me. I was able to get my self esteem back and I also stopped beating my self up about my failures. It has made me think more about acepting there are some things I can never do as well as a "Normal" person, but also to realise there are things I do exceptionally better than them and if they though my ideas were stupid it was because they were blinkered rather than me being stupid, which is why on balance My career has been good.
Would I give up my ADD if I could - absolutely. we live in a world where "normals" are the majority and there is a still a lack of education about ADD/ADHD in the general population. I have a son who has it as well, and I sit through his parents evening - Everyone one of his teachers says - he's very bright, and when he puts is mind to it, but he's late, if not engaged he's disruptive. etc etc and it's like going back in time for me and I know how hard his life is going to be. Particularly with an unorganised Dad. ADD hasn't really helped on the relationship side either. I can accept myself now and understand how my wife screamed at me constantly through dispare (Read a book called The ADHD Effect on marriage by Melissa Orlov. it was a script of our downward spiral). but accepting and being able to fix things is very different.
As I'm stuck inside my skin, I have made the decision to just accept things and try to get on as best I can. I'm fortunate that I can function enough generally to have a successful career. I'm now making more informed decisions about my life. Now I just need to make enough money to retire so it's not an issue. oh wait, I've got ADD so never got around to starting a pension when I was younger..... Guess I'd better revert to the plan B of winning the lottery if I can remember to buy a ticket:-)
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fudge
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Post by fudge on Feb 11, 2016 21:16:11 GMT
Guess I'd better revert to the plan B of winning the lottery if I can remember to buy a ticket:-)
[/quote]
WEll...I am going to reveal to you something I could NEVER reveal to the normals: I sporadically buy lottery tickets and then I do not check them. I could be a millionaire. How horrendous is that? What is WRONG with me? However, I regularly indulge in lottery fantasies. It would solve the ADD and a bunch of other stuff in my life. i.e having to work and the stress of not messing up horrifically every day.
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Post by blaze on Feb 12, 2016 11:11:04 GMT
I am perfectly comfortable with my adhd, i see it as part of whom i am & am positive about nd strengths it brings. I have a severe dx & it definately effects me considerabley but i guess as an adult i have learned to adapt my life to emphasis the strengths & diminish the weaknesses, as all adults do, i just have a disability that defines said weaknesses. It is incredibley hard work though, and accepting my limits is important for me- although i have physical disabilities also so this is combined effect.
Right now my kids are in the middle of assessments that will include adhd, along with alot of other developmental disabilities. It is very tough seeing how much they are currently dis-abled by their conditions, school etc are being great and have done everything we ask so currently it *appears* to be that they are limited by their disabilities as opposed to the enviroment dis-abling them. It's really hard & i wish i could wave a magic wand & get rid of how tiring, tough & stressful dealing with life is for them- but from what i am told this is the worst age for kids with dds & i am focusing on how i will be in the best position to understand & help them so hopefully their conditions will be more of a positive earlier than my experience.
I know i would be crushed if anyone who loved me wish away my adhd, or resented my adhd traits or didn't like that part of who i am. Luckily the people who love me love everything about me, amd accept me as i am.
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Post by blaze on Feb 12, 2016 11:20:52 GMT
Just to add, i guess for me it helps that i don't care what others think & am v happy with being an under achiever. I have turned down promotions, training courses, even chose to go to an average uni rather than the v good ones i got into easily. I am not interested in others ideas of success & achievment. I grew up in a v abusive household and was desperately unhappy as a kid, my big dream was allways to have a secure & happy family home & i have a great relationship & am a great mum. I love work, study, creative pursuits- but only for me, not for achievements sake which feels rather empty to me. I guess it helps that i am a naturally non competitive person & don't compare myself to others.
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Post by marionk on Feb 15, 2016 10:51:22 GMT
I am brilliant at certain things, and now I know that I have ADHD, I am fairly sure that it is at least partly due to that.
When I can't face something (which happens a lot) I go into what I now realise is hyperfocus, on something that fascinates me.
I go into things in real depth, so that I can understand them properly (I have to or I wouldn't be able to remember half of it)
but understanding why and how things work means you can do things in a much better way than those that have simply learnt
'This is how you do this'. Understanding things means you can develop and improve them.
In ancient or medieval times or possibly even in the early industrial revolution, I'd've been a great inventor.
And here I am slipping into procrastination mode . . . I have to go do stuff
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Post by clubby on Feb 15, 2016 20:26:37 GMT
I don't accept it at all.
I want control over my life.
I want to learn to be a super powered normal person, so I have time to enjoy my ADHD.
It is not the adhd that I dislike, it is the lack of choice of when it appears.
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