|
Post by easilydistracted on Mar 3, 2016 22:24:39 GMT
Update
My referal went to the MHT who it seems took one look at my file and said I should be sent directly to ADHD-Adult Services. I've been given a date about 2 months out* (No letter of confirmation yet, this was over the phone). After reading some of the stories here I was over the moon to be getting seen so soon.
That was yesterday
Today I went into work and was handed a letter to say I had another review a couple of hours later this morning. Head spinning I went in and was ripped apart, I'm not good under this sort of pressure and went into meek mode and merely bleated that I was doing my best and needed more time. Managed one, possibly valid, reason for needing more time but I think that will be overwhelmed by the arguments against me.
I'll probably get one more review at which, I think and certainly feel, I'll be told that I haven't made the grade and that I'm being dismissed
I haven't told the work up till now about the possibility of ADHD, in part because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, in part because I wanted to prove to them I could do it, but more than anything, I've barely got my head around the idea myself without introducing the subject into a hostile environment, especially given my current "possibly" status.
I really wanted it to be a secret, shared only with this forum and a couple of people whom I trust not to change their view of me.
I'm not going to be allowed that, not if I want to keep my job. I need to work, I need the framework, the stability, the self-worth that comes from being able to stand on my own two feet. I need this job too, it's a good wage for someone without qualifications** and I've been slowly climbing out of the hole I got myself into a few years back. All that suddenly looks very uncertain and I'm scared of sinking again.
I need to be brave and face this head on and tell the work, accept that my pride will take a hit but that it's better in the long run.
<...a while later...> Sorry folks, This update ended up longer and far more emo than I intended, but I think I've convinced myself I need to do this. My head's*** still buzzing but I'm back up off the floor.
<...a while later...> Dear diary Do I hit send or not? It's far more honest than I'm comfortable with, but forming it has cleared things up and, maybe, someone else will read this and realise they are not the only one. For that reason, I think I will.
Time to go eat, food, real food
*I booked a day's holiday rather than tell the work what I needed the time off for... ** multiple college and uni droppouts, I have a problem finishing things, especially things that require writing... *** Only redbull and chocolate today, not the most stable of diets!
|
|
|
Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 3, 2016 22:50:43 GMT
I think that this calls for ice cream too! . . I used to think that I could do everything without help and having to accept
that I might not be superman has been hard. . . You'll find a way through this . .
you may have to admit that you have a 'weakness', but that makes you the bigger person.
Good luck and try not to be so hard on yourself x
|
|
|
Post by easilydistracted on Mar 4, 2016 19:29:34 GMT
OK! Update time... Decision made I marched into work and straight up to the HR department! No-one there. Wait, what about my plans??? Hmmph, it will have to be next week, hope I don't change my mind between now and then. Wander down to my desk, oh, I have a meeting with boss in a couple of mins to discuss my schedule for next week, she seems in a good mood so maybe... Rummage in rucksack for a copy of "Symptoms & FAQ’s" from the leaflets section of the website and head off to the meeting. It was amicable and effective. OK, go for it! "Is that anyone you recognise? I say as I pass the leaflet across the desk, folded so that only the symptoms are showing. She starts reading, looks up and smiles, "This is you, what is it?". "ADHD" "Ah, yes, we were wondering, you do share many traits with X" (another member of staff who has ADHD and some other stuff) The ice was broken, the subject broached, we started talking, properly talking Formalities, HR will need to be informed and provided with copies of any documentation I have. On the work front, tell us early if you are struggling, we will help. A lot of talking on a personal level. So, that was work today Get home, I have a letter, it's bulky. It's my referal, it's my referal and forms, lots of forms, forms for me to fill in, forms for others to fill in. Oh oh, time to go visit my parents, this will take awkward to a whole new level All in all a good day
|
|
|
Post by annie on Mar 4, 2016 20:01:41 GMT
Wow easilydistracted
That is such a good response from your employer and well done to you for using the strategies you used - it helped them and more importantly, it could well have helped yourself.
There are so many people out there with all sorts of disabilities. It's very easy to feel others should understand our particular difficulties/disabilities (ADHD) and yet you have to believe that those "other significant people" are struggling to understand the condition(whatever disability) just as much as yourself.
For you this seems to be a significant "win- win" situation but, I guess the challenge for you now is to think through what your employer might do to help you achieve your potential. That has to be your responsibility given that at this moment in time you know more about ADHD than your employer.
Despite all that has gone before in terms of your employment history, it does sound as though your employer does believe you still have a future with them and they do want to find a way of keeping you on the books.
Hope you find a good solution.
|
|
|
Post by easilydistracted on Mar 4, 2016 20:20:24 GMT
Wow easilydistracted That is such a good response from your employer and well done to you for using the strategies you used - it helped them and more importantly, it could well have helped yourself. There are so many people out there with all sorts of disabilities. It's very easy to feel others should understand our particular difficulties/disabilities (ADHD) and yet you have to believe that those "other significant people" are struggling to understand the condition(whatever disability) just as much as yourself. For you this seems to be a significant "win- win" situation but, I guess the challenge for you now is to think through what your employer might do to help you achieve your potential. That has to be your responsibility given that at this moment in time you know more about ADHD than your employer. Despite all that has gone before in terms of your employment history, it does sound as though your employer does believe you still have a future with them and they do want to find a way of keeping you on the books. Hope you find a good solution. Thank you I'm getting the impression, and it's one I'll pursue with them next week, that they are trying to encourage me to consider other roles in the company. My last role played to my strengths (firefighting), this role plays on my weaknesses (report writing). It could well be the best choice as the current role is not one I think I could ever be happy in. Food for thought!
|
|
|
Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 5, 2016 0:02:08 GMT
|
|
|
Post by easilydistracted on Apr 25, 2016 19:31:08 GMT
Might be more than one bat in this belfry... Would be nice for it have company anyway.
"We'd also like you to take an ADOS test"
Wasn't entirely unexpected, I've often wondered
|
|
|
Post by easilydistracted on Apr 26, 2016 19:37:58 GMT
OK, a slightly longer and more detailed update.
Initial assessment It wasn't what I expected, but then I didn't know what to expect but I certainly didn't expect this.
I was greeted by a nurse who told me that she's need to shave bits of my scalp so the electrodes could make better contact and get accurate readings, she then set about my head with with the shaving foam and a bic razor, the white ones not even the orange sensitive ones. After the nicking my head for the 3rd time I suggested she put the glasses on that were hanging round her neck. Bad move, she abandoned the shaving foam and the rest of the patches were shaved dry save for where the blood was running down my head from the previous cuts.
With the electrodes applied to my head I was taken into the diagnostics room. I caught my reflection in the glass of the door as I went in, I couldn't decide whether it looked like I now had orange dreadlocks or whether a flock of starfish had decided to mate with my head, it certainly felt more like the later.
The room? Well, there's a large and loud grandfather clock, annoyingly it hasn't been corrected since the clocks went forward last month. In the corner is a television, on but muted, it's showing episodes of "Rainbow".
This is not good, my would be tormenters are already in the room, a panel of three white coated people, the one to the left has a large mole 2 inches above his left eye, the one in the middle an attractive middle-aged lady with a massive chest her coat struggled to contain, even with the top two buttons undone. Even Jacque Cousteau would get lost in that cleavage. There was a third person but I kinda, um... yeah, there was a third person.
They plug me in to a machine behind me, it goes beep every now and then, alarmingly it goes beep beep beep everytime my gaze lands on tormentor no2. Oh oh, nowhere to hide.
I seek sanctuary in Zippy, George and Bungle. Unfortunately I'm still thinking of the lady with the boobs so now I'm staring at 3 guys in furry suits while this machine behind me beeps furiously. What sort of pervert must they think I am? I'm sweating and beginning to panic.
The questions start, they are playing bad cop, bad cop and good cop with no apparent pattern, I'm struggling to work out which questions or inquisitor I should be honest with and which ones I should be defensive with. Who, what, why and when, they trawl through my past and present, no answer is good enough, correct enough or exact enough to get these rotveilers out of my head.
I broke, I lost it. I sobbed like I haven't sobbed since I was 10 and the dog chewed the head off my favourite action man.
Apparently I lasted 73 minutes.
I don't know it that's good or bad but it seems the nurse won the bet as she collected fivers from them all.
Be afraid, be very afraid, you might be next.
|
|
|
Post by marionk on Apr 26, 2016 21:26:42 GMT
Ye gods! Sounds like a low budget sci-fi horror film. I hope you make a full recovery!
|
|
|
Post by easilydistracted on Apr 26, 2016 22:07:33 GMT
Thanks marionk , I've been applying dettol and elastoplast to the outside of my head and icecream and cheesecake to the inside. It seems to be helping but will definitely need to continue treatment for another week, maybe more. The real horror is still to come though, the "Voight Kampff" test otherwise known as the ADOS exam. That I'm *really* not looking forward to.
|
|
|
Post by Guinea pig lover on Apr 27, 2016 10:49:47 GMT
I am sorry to hear they had to shave your head - and worried about them shaving my head now if I get as far as you! Look after yourself. It was reading your posts that made me feel okay about posting here myself
|
|
|
Post by vagueandrandom on Apr 27, 2016 12:16:45 GMT
Am I the only one who's thinking that easilydistracted has constructed a (very well written) fantasy nightmare to describe his feelings? I came to ADHD through ADOS. . .scored clinical or borderline in all but 2 categories so close. .but no cigar. . 2 psychs and a student. . .my mum on the phone. . .wait outside. . .come back in. . .inaccurate notes taken. . . Ice-cream and cheesecake have amazing healing properties . . . More please!
|
|
|
Post by marionk on Apr 27, 2016 15:38:28 GMT
Thanks marionk , I've been applying dettol and elastoplast to the outside of my head and icecream and cheesecake to the inside. It seems to be helping but will definitely need to continue treatment for another week, maybe more. The real horror is still to come though, the "Voight Kampff" test otherwise known as the ADOS exam. That I'm *really* not looking forward to. You mean that wasn't it? /me gives easilydistracted a tub of triple choc chip icecream, and a bottle of chocolate sauce to go with it.
|
|
|
Post by marionk on Apr 27, 2016 16:02:57 GMT
Am I the only one who's thinking that easilydistracted has constructed a (very well written) fantasy nightmare to describe his feelings? Well, I thought "a cross between Gulliver's Travels, and the original room 101" was a bit long winded, and maybe some people wouldn't understand the references.
|
|
|
Post by easilydistracted on Apr 27, 2016 20:50:06 GMT
vagueandrandom, I think you have hit the nail on the head. I'm not normally creative so that had to come from somewhere and yes, this is bothering me much more than I thought it would. After all, it's my head, it's the same one I've had all my life, sure it might have had the occasional wobbly wheel or sticky cog, but I'm used to that. Having a label to put above the wobbly wheel to say wobbly wheel shouldn't change a thing. It was there before, it's still there now, what's the difference? From a rational point of view there isn't one so what's bothering me? 1) Other people, e.g. the work, noticed there's a wobbly wheel, that was the firing gun that indirectly started this journey 2) I'm now aware that others are aware so now I can't ignore it, I've lost my mental cherry and there's no way of un-learning or un-noticing it now. 3) The specialists are now poking and proding it and in doing so I'm having to realise that maybe it's a bit more broken than I thought. The initial assessment was not the horror story above, I hope no-one thinks that for a second, yes, there were a few questions I found difficult to answer, but in no way did I ever feel I was being put under pressure. You mentioned in another post somewhere about being self aware, about knowing how you should react and knowing also that's not how you do react. That struck a cord, And I think it's that and knowing I have a test coming up, one that is designed exactly to highlight that gulf between what I know I should do and what I do do*. That is what's bothering me. Oh, and there they will find another wobbly wheel, one that I thought was only a little squeaky now and then. Yes, nail on the head, thank you *ron ron Sorry
|
|
|
Post by vagueandrandom on Apr 28, 2016 8:37:20 GMT
Hi easilydistracted I like the wobbly wheel analogy. . . I've always had a bit of a squeaky wheel, or sticky cog. . .and sometimes I had to come out and give them labels like 'depression' to the wider world. . . and sticking with the wierdos, and sometimes playing up my OTTness. . .was how I coped. . I gave up work not too long after being diagnosed, but didn't tell them. . .so that's going to be something new. . . You're right. . you can't unknow, or be undiagnosed. . .Knowledge is both power and a complication. . I only wanted ADOS assessment, as my lodger had it, was diagnosed and was getting help with his depression (which I was having great difficulty with) and once I mentioned it to a few people, they seemed to agree which was a surprise!. . .what was more of a surprise was scoring clinical for ADHD. . .which I never suspected. . LOOK AT ME, I HAVE A WOBBLY WHEEL, MADE WORSE BY A VERY SQUEAKY WHEEL AND VERY STICKY COG! (time to crawl into my darkden. . . ) Try not to worry too much. . .have a good day
|
|
|
Post by marionk on Apr 28, 2016 11:19:50 GMT
I am sorry to hear they had to shave your head - and worried about them shaving my head now if I get as far as you! Look after yourself. It was reading your posts that made me feel okay about posting here myself @guinea pig lover I don't know if you will be notified of this reply, as you are only a guest, but I can assure you that while there is a test that involves electrodes, there is no head shaving. My son had one yonks ago after an epileptic fit brought on by fever, and they just use a special gel at each spot to improve contact. (Not even a hair removing gel ) eta, forgot to say*, easilydistracted, is the test you will be having the one where they monitor brain activity? *medication not helping
|
|
|
Post by easilydistracted on Apr 28, 2016 11:40:20 GMT
marionkAs far as i know there are no electrodes or brain scans involved, something much much worse. Amongst other things roleplay, your reactions are videotaped and then analysed. Self conscious enough at the best of times, the thought of that was enough to have me wanting to hide under the table!!! There were other things mentioned but I failed to take in anything other than that horror!
|
|
|
Post by marionk on Apr 28, 2016 13:35:11 GMT
I think I'd rather have the brain scan too!
|
|
|
Post by easilydistracted on Apr 30, 2016 15:04:35 GMT
@guinea pig lover Apologies for not replying to you, thank you for your words and I'm glad that mine helped break the ice a little and made it easier for you to dive in. Welcome aboard
|
|
|
Post by easilydistracted on Jun 9, 2016 23:04:26 GMT
Well, things move slowly
I've had the notes back from my initial assessment, there's not a lot to it, a couple of pages, but that's what happens when you clam up and stare at the floor...
A date has been set for my ASD assessment, it's some months away, so nothing happening on that front either.
Work, after the question over whether I was required to show them the assessment report, I presented just the introduction and conclusion, they seemed quite happy with that. I've also had a meeting with the head of HR, this was very different to my meeting with the ADHD nurse, in part because it was work related but more because I didn't clam up and stare at the floor, quite the opposite in fact!
I talked, a lot... True to form I did plant a few minefields and then walk into them half a sentence later, but it was either that or not talk. We talked about some specific problems I have at work, (completing jobs, note taking) and some things that I don't have a problem with (part numbers) and of course ways of me helping myself ( make lists... Noooo! *cries* )
Overall it was about understanding and in that, I think, it went fairly well.
When the notes came back from that it's a stark contrast to the assessment notes, lots of pages! As I said, I talked, a lot.
College ( I go to nightschool ) are now aware as well. I hadn't told them until now as I'm not struggling ( short modules with exams at the end of each meaning it's either new and interesting or exam pressure, both of which I respond well to. Had it been written assignments, I would be failing badstyle). So it's on record now which potentially means that courses I would find interesting but otherwise avoid due to the written content may now be back on the board. I like learning.
So, the reminder to myself is - Talk, no-one will understand your problems if you try and hide your problems!
|
|
|
Post by marionk on Jun 19, 2016 11:10:30 GMT
Good to know things are going better than the initial assessment. Argh! Everyone always suggest lists! I thank my lucky stars that exams had not been replaced by 'coursework' when I did my GCSE's!
|
|
|
Post by easilydistracted on Dec 3, 2016 17:49:08 GMT
Oh! I thought I had updated this. Obv not, so two updates in one. Update One. The ADOS test, hmmm... Let's just say, I now accept there are good reasons why the ADHD nurse sent me to see the ASD nurse. I've had a fair bit of time now to give this consideration and have to accept it does explain a lot of the mix of -isms that is me. Update Two. The other -isms... *Drumroll please* The lady from Del'Monte, she say yes! I now have a confirmed diagnosis of ADHD and have been started on Concerta! Too early to say properly how that's going as I may have deviated from the plan a little... But the first signs are good, smoking less and sleeping more, and heck, those in themselves are real improvements. Fingers crossed on the rest
|
|
|
Post by easilydistracted on Dec 15, 2016 12:38:36 GMT
Ok, this probably should be somewhere else rather than Introductions but...
After those initial positive signs on 18mg it then became a bit more random, actually random to the point I really was questioning whether to continue!
Today I stepped up to 36mg, a day earlier than planned, two reasons - to have a spare 18mg to drop back to should I feel necessary but also that I'd do this on a work day where I have a framework and routine to keep me straight.
So how is it? Well, in short WOW!
I'm calm and focused! I seem to have got more done and I've stayed at my desk most of the morning!
Couple of things I wasn't expecting at all, my hearing seems to be pin sharp, having to re-tie my shoe laces as I could hear the ends tapping!
A colleague did something that really annoyed me and then sat there yabbering. I did not lose my temper, weirdly, like I knew my temper was on the horizon I got up and walked away before I was at the flipping out stage.
I'm calm, deliberate and focused, wow!
|
|