merrial
Member's posted somewhat
Posts: 63
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Post by merrial on Mar 19, 2016 18:12:20 GMT
My manager called me into her office and told me that a few employees have come and told her that I have been rude to them. I really don't see how I
have? She didn't say what I am meant to have said that was rude? I am really careful to be polite. But I get ignored and also when I leave the room they are in they
start laughing and some people have been down right rude to me in things they have said to me.
But I have not responded because I don't want to loose my temper in my work place because I do feel they are trying to intimidate me...very unhappy right now
and dreading going into work every time. I have actually come home and cried..I hardly ever cry...
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Post by marionk on Mar 20, 2016 12:00:05 GMT
Thanks to vagueandrandom I keep musing on 'Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria'. Do I have it or don't I? Short answer is that I do, but it only shows up in very specific circumstances. When I was a teenager, one night while crying myself to sleep, I had an epiphany. Why I am I crying myself to sleep because some nasty little s***heads are being nasty to me? They are nasty, and ignorant with it, and I actually don't want to be friends with them anyway! Even if there was nobody left on Earth except me and them, I still wouldn't want to be friends with their sort!! So, since then before getting upset over some snide remark, I think to myself, "Do I care what her opinion is? Do I want to be friends with her? Do I even like her?" And usually, because they are so obviously nasty, the answer is no, and I walk away knowing that I am the better person. Oh, and that 'knowing I'm the better person' thing is also thanks to one of the school bullies. I'd never knowingly seen her before, and to this day I don't know who she was/is. Along with whatever other vile comments she was making was "You think you're so much better than us . . . " Well, I wasn't going to dignify any of her bs with a response she could get a kick out of, but internally, I was thinking, "Who the hell are you? I don't know you from Eve. How could I have any opinion of you at all? And, crucially, why would you think that I think I'm better than you, unless of course, you think I'm better than you!!" So, in one, one sided conversation, not only had I discovered that I was indeed a better person than her, but also that she knew it too! But, unfortunately, while that will hopefully give you some internal armour against some of the emotional effects of bullying, it's not much help, when the bu****s can actually cause trouble for you. I just really hope that your manager is a decent sort and will see things as they actually are.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 20, 2016 20:47:25 GMT
I've lost jobs and had disciplinaries for rudeness, and I really don't know what I've done or said! I'd never be knowingly rude at work and I'm either perplexed or mortified! However, like marionk I've built up a hard exterior that says 'fuck you, I don't care what you all think' . . . but I really do, and I'm really wounded by the slightest perceived criticism. . and I've learned not to let anyone close, so that I'll not get hurt, so now I have to pretend not to be lonely as well.
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merrial
Member's posted somewhat
Posts: 63
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Post by merrial on Mar 20, 2016 22:01:16 GMT
I also have grown up in the school of hard knocks and have had to grow that toughened exterior and make like I just don't care.
So like you two I don't let people in because it's letting in all the negative crap I can live without into my life.
It's all playground stuff to be honest and they need to learn to grow up. We are adults living in the real world where their behavior is
not acceptable.
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Post by tessaract on Mar 21, 2016 17:29:55 GMT
I've been ostracised in 95% of all jobs I've had, both self induced and probably because of the fact that I am blunt. This is pretty common with ADD and it may be that you are just coming across as blunt and they see it as rude. Bullying is also being ostracised by the way so make sure you are aware of that too. I have been told by my Occupational therapist that I need to look at the type of language I use when speaking to people and to try and find alternatives that are less blunt. (fine in my eyes, I dont mind being blunt but not cool in a work situation) Example: I got annoyed with a lady in my jewellery class as she was hogging the tutor and using terminology that nobody understood as she was more advanced. I butted in and said: What are you talking about? straight out, blunt and a bit annoyed. My OT suggested I should have said: I'm sorry, I dont understand, could you explain what you are talking about.... Have a look at your use of language and see if there are any places or phrases you could soften. I have major problems in work and am not working now but am learning why I may have had so may problems relating to my colleagues. Just a suggestion
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Post by anopheles on Mar 24, 2016 11:12:14 GMT
That o.t advice is just 'pull your socks up' politely put. If we could think before speaking, we'd think before speaking and it also doesn't take impulse control into account.
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Post by tessaract on Mar 25, 2016 20:35:48 GMT
I was talking about being blunt and coming across as rude. You seem to have gotten the impression that the OT was telling me to think before I speak. There are specific techniques to avoid being blunt as people with ADHD tend to be blunt without realising, this can be different to impulse control, not always but it is not all down to impulse control. It can also be related to not being aware of being blunt.
The help I am getting from the OT is making a big difference in my life. Have you had any Occupational therapy yourself?
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Post by Bee on Mar 26, 2016 3:00:08 GMT
I remember once my supervisor came to me and said 'I've had a few people complain that you've been bitchy....' I was gobsmacked! Sometimes I can grumble, but I try not to say anything I wouldn't say to someone's face, and if I've got something to say I'll be really careful how I say it.
It only happened that one time, but I was utterly perplexed.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 26, 2016 12:07:17 GMT
I got myself quite depressed last night because I've got a book about social skills for adults with ADHD and
read some sections on conversation. A lot of it is common sense and I've already taught myself versions of the
strategies suggested. Not quite 'count to ten' more to be aware and try to 'appear' more 'normal'
Anyway. . about being blunt. . it's a mixture of not knowing the rules and saying exactly what you think.
We're always being told that people appreciate the truth. The 'rules' of society are much more complicated.
There are sections on subtexts and manners which I find particularly perplexing.
I and you messages. . demand and wish statements. .
Who knew that there's a proper way to give and receive compliments (include character traits. . just say thanks, don't diminish the compliment even if you don't feel you deserve it) and how to apologise so that the person you're apologising to accepts it. .
I thought that my social skills were pretty good, but reading this book that describes the way that I do things as the
typical ADHD way and how others perceive them . . . it's so depressing. . no wonder I have no friends. .
I've got so much to learn. . and you're supposed to practice on your friends and ask them to prompt and signal and
fill in questionnaires to make you aware of what you do. . . how am I supposed to do that?
I wish there were classes in social skills and wish I'd known all this sooner.
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Post by anopheles on Mar 26, 2016 21:57:36 GMT
I was talking about being blunt and coming across as rude. You seem to have gotten the impression that the OT was telling me to think before I speak. There are specific techniques to avoid being blunt as people with ADHD tend to be blunt without realising, this can be different to impulse control, not always but it is not all down to impulse control. It can also be related to not being aware of being blunt. The help I am getting from the OT is making a big difference in my life. Have you had any Occupational therapy yourself? Forgive me, I was worried that I came across as attacking your o.t, and it appears I was right to worry. I was conflating bluntness with impulsivity and while it could have a link, I am sure it not the full story. I suspect, from my own experience, that because we have learnt to be flexible and relaxed, (I understand it can go the other way) through surviving our socially bumpy ride through life, we can assume that people share our equally relaxed attitude. I also understand that can happen withe Neurotypical too. I imagine it will be one of those things that most of us grasp intellectually quite quickly, but getting 'that' other part of our brain to understand is where we need help.
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Post by blaze on Mar 28, 2016 20:02:41 GMT
I found non violent communication really helpful for *changing* the harsher bluntness i could come out with
i can't think before i speak, but reading the above made me question the judgements communicated with word choice. I adapted to thinking differently, seeing things differently, and naturally thinking differently meant i spoke differently- so it didn't matter that i couldn't ever effect my impulse control because what came out of my mouth was much less likely to offend others. Generally ofcourse, i still have my moments, or people who rub me up the wrong way may find i react sharply- i don't react well to narasistism & dislike others assuming they can tell me what i need- but generally i find i get along withmost people these days, except my inlaws ofcourse ; )
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Post by Babble on Mar 29, 2016 9:35:40 GMT
The complaint(s) with me at work revolve around the fact that I don't seem to care about anything.
That's seemingly because I can't open my mouth without offending someone (usually my manager) so I just don't say anything, and my response to reprimands tends to be a simple 'yes, I understand' or an 'okay'. If I try and explain myself, or try to probe for details or clarification so I don't screw up again people seem to think I'm taking the piss. I only apologise if I feel I've legitimately screwed up - if I apologised every time I made a mistake due to inattention or distraction, I'd never do anything else. That probably doesn't make me any more popular, but I'm honest to a fault, and that extends to only saying something if I really mean it. So damned if I do, damned if I don't.
I know where you're at though. The only advice I can give really is to be the bigger person. The way they're treating you is frankly shit, and you deserve better, keep reminding yourself of that. The way they're acting speaks more about their attitude/rudeness than it does yours. You could point blank ask if they have a problem (ask calmly, and with the attitude of legitimately wanting to know so you can alter your behaviour around them) - tends to make people uncomfortable, I've found, and might make them leave you alone for a bit.
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merrial
Member's posted somewhat
Posts: 63
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Post by merrial on Mar 31, 2016 4:48:53 GMT
Interesting reading all this..and yes Babble I do think it says more about them than me. And I think that the more you read about ADHD the more some of these articles/books make you feel like a freak!!!! I have worked with Autistic people for many years. To communicate less is more. Most of the people have had behaviors that "challenge" as they say. But I have found working with them enormously rewarding and a bit of a challenge at times. Also I have worked in the community and in various other settings supporting people. Some with dual diagnosis of mental health and Learning disabilities. Never in 11 years has one single person complained I have been rude or asked that I not work with them anymore. Although this has happened to many of my colleagues..so again I question "Who's the Rude person here?"
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Post by contrarymary on Mar 31, 2016 7:52:31 GMT
I got myself quite depressed last night because I've got a book about social skills for adults with ADHD and read some sections on conversation. A lot of it is common sense and I've already taught myself versions of the strategies suggested. Not quite 'count to ten' more to be aware and try to 'appear' more 'normal' Anyway. . about being blunt. . it's a mixture of not knowing the rules and saying exactly what you think. We're always being told that people appreciate the truth. The 'rules' of society are much more complicated. There are sections on subtexts and manners which I find particularly perplexing. I and you messages. . demand and wish statements. . Who knew that there's a proper way to give and receive compliments (include character traits. . just say thanks, don't diminish the compliment even if you don't feel you deserve it) and how to apologise so that the person you're apologising to accepts it. . I thought that my social skills were pretty good, but reading this book that describes the way that I do things as the typical ADHD way and how others perceive them . . . it's so depressing. . no wonder I have no friends. . I've got so much to learn. . and you're supposed to practice on your friends and ask them to prompt and signal and fill in questionnaires to make you aware of what you do. . . how am I supposed to do that? I wish there were classes in social skills and wish I'd known all this sooner. just realised i hadn't read most of this thread before vagueandrandom - what's the book? sounds really interesting. and depressing. i can identify with everything you say
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Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 31, 2016 10:59:30 GMT
contrarymary the book is '"What does everybody else know that I don't?" A Reader-friendly Guide Social Skills Help for Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (AD/HD)' by Michele Novotini PhD with Randy Petersen it's American and I could only find it on Book Depository I saw it on a social media link . . probably ADDitude . . It's really annoying that she uses AD/HD all the time, but explains why. And it's broken into small sections with a highlighted overview at the end of each section, so very ADHD friendly. I've had to put it away for a few days, but will go back to it.
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Post by contrarymary on Mar 31, 2016 14:57:48 GMT
ta muchly vagueandrandom i've been interested in finding something like this for a while. hoping it will also be useful in perhaps understanding what might be adhd traits and if any are asd. just ordered a secondhand copy, and will look forward to comparing notes with you xx
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Post by tati on Apr 1, 2016 9:32:30 GMT
Interesting topic, I partly relate to this. Or maybe totally... but the way I face the problem is similar to Babble's one. I simply don't speak unless I know the person very well. This is a form of self ostracising and it works very well, in the sense that I've never got called for rudeness by a manager, but neither I developed all those friendships and social networks that I see between the co-workers. Except for the very last workplace I was in. Reading the other ones experience with being called in the manager's office really makes me angry. Seriously, why on earth they don't say what you told or did to get that accusation? They seem rude to me, and this sort of remarks are really totally useless. What are you supposed to do after that, if you have no idea of what you did wrong? I've faced this (not in the workplace, fortunately), and the few times that the person really made the effort to tell me what was wrong, it actually helped... either to improve myself or to ignore that person's opinions. Ad last but not least, the fact that they went to the boss instead of telling you directly, sound like kindergarten behaviour to me.
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Post by blaze on Apr 1, 2016 14:08:43 GMT
Interesting topic, I partly relate to this. Or maybe totally... but the way I face the problem is similar to Babble's one. I simply don't speak unless I know the person very well. This is a form of self ostracising and it works very well, in the sense that I've never got called for rudeness by a manager, but neither I developed all those friendships and social networks that I see between the co-workers. Except for the very last workplace I was in. Reading the other ones experience with being called in the manager's office really makes me angry. Seriously, why on earth they don't say what you told or did to get that accusation? They seem rude to me, and this sort of remarks are really totally useless. What are you supposed to do after that, if you have no idea of what you did wrong? I've faced this (not in the workplace, fortunately), and the few times that the person really made the effort to tell me what was wrong, it actually helped... either to improve myself or to ignore that person's opinions. Ad last but not least, the fact that they went to the boss instead of telling you directly, sound like kindergarten behaviour to me. sometimes it can be hard for people (us too no doubt) to put a finger on what the specific things are- sometimes it's tone of voice, looks, subtle non verbal behaviour etc that negative effect the atmosphere & make people feel uncomfortable & dismissed most workplaces would actively encorage employees to come forward to the senior staff with any problems. Some people arn't confident at handling conflicts, or confronting others, that doesn't mean they shouldn't speak up, & it's managents job to help with these things. People speaking up may well have their own social struggles, asd or mh problems. Or it's maybe minor things that don't bother anyone enough to actively speak up but maybe routinely come up within supervisions etc from many so build up enough for supervisers to say something. I am sure plenty of times it will be peoplebeing price twunts but there maybe lots & lots of perfectly valid reasons for colleges to do this, not kindgarden behaviour at all.
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Post by tati on Apr 1, 2016 19:48:55 GMT
I'm sure they have their reasons to complain, in the sense that they surely have perceived something wrong or have felt uncomfortable somehow, but I really see no advantage in being called by the boss and vaguely accused of being rude to some undisclosed co-worker, without getting any explanation of what was supposed to be wrong. I don't think that encouraging people to speak to the managers instead of confronting directly with the person is healthy for a working environment. Unless it is proper mobbing of course, which is a crime here in Italy (and also in the UK I guess). But this was not the case from what I read. I've been in a bunch of workplaces, and I can't even imagine one of my coworker going to speak to the boss or to a manager, complaining about someone else being "rude". Maybe I've just been lucky, who knows. If most places do encourage this behaviour, I hope I never end up in such a workplace! Where's the advantage, really? You just get one more distressed person, without even providing any way to solve the situation. They should encourage confrontation between adult human beings, not going to cry to the boss. Even for the person that has perceived some rudeness or misbehaviour, this would be of help. At least, this is my opinion.
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Post by blaze on Apr 2, 2016 6:09:33 GMT
It's allways worked well in many workplaces i have been in, but maybe it's a difference in job type as we required frequent supervisions & debriefings. Comfrontations are only healthy if people have the emotional skills to manage that- encoraging them without help causes problems which is why people would go to seniors. It isn't helpful if managers arn't specific but if that's all they have to go on from staff then they don't have much choice. Most these things are persoective anyways-it isn't often that one person is clearly rude anyways- often one person will have one perspective & another an equally valid but opposing one- they both have the right to gain support from seniors about how this effects their working experirnce- that's normal. If seniors hererepeatedly that it's inevitable that it gets brought up. Silencing people & preventing them accessing support frommanagment isn't ever going to be helpful
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Post by tati on Apr 2, 2016 9:59:09 GMT
This kind of situations reminds me of a story from Paul Watzlawick's book "The situation is hopeless, but not serious (the pursuit of unhappiness)"
Imagine if this guy was at work instead of a neigborhood, and he had the possibility to go to a manager, telling "that guy is rude and don't want to lend me the hammer and bla bla bla.... ". In this sense, I agree that the manager's involvement would be useful, but the last thing I would expect from that manager is to call the other person in his office, instead of trying to get a clear explanation of of what the supposed rude behaviour was. And this would most likely not even involve (and uselessly distress) the other person at all. I'm not talking about silencing or not supporting people here... but just about not encouraging a paranoia epidemic in the working environment.
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Post by contrarymary on Apr 2, 2016 11:01:05 GMT
brilliant, thanks tati
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Post by blaze on Apr 4, 2016 14:56:28 GMT
That doesn't relate much to wide ranging social situations. You called it kindergarden behaviour- using name calling/insults demeans those needing to seak that help. And they very well may have poor social understanding themselves- it's like you are expecting *the other* person to be compleately clear on why someone is making them uncomfortable/being difficult to work with/etc- lots of people wont have those skills, and or they may feel too intimidated to do so. Other people arn't perfect either. This kind of situations reminds me of a story from Paul Watzlawick's book "The situation is hopeless, but not serious (the pursuit of unhappiness)" Imagine if this guy was at work instead of a neigborhood, and he had the possibility to go to a manager, telling "that guy is rude and don't want to lend me the hammer and bla bla bla.... ". In this sense, I agree that the manager's involvement would be useful, but the last thing I would expect from that manager is to call the other person in his office, instead of trying to get a clear explanation of of what the supposed rude behaviour was. And this would most likely not even involve (and uselessly distress) the other person at all. I'm not talking about silencing or not supporting people here... but just about not encouraging a paranoia epidemic in the working environment.
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Post by marionk on Apr 4, 2016 16:07:33 GMT
I'm glad I'm not the OP.
After I read a couple of posts on these forums about bullying, I wondered how many ADHDers got bullied and how many if any, escaped.
Then I started wondering a bit more about what makes a bully; could an ADHDer actually be a bully?
Well, I'm not wondering any more.
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Post by tati on Apr 5, 2016 9:54:36 GMT
That doesn't relate much to wide ranging social situations. You called it kindergarden behaviour- using name calling/insults demeans those needing to seak that help. And they very well may have poor social understanding themselves- it's like you are expecting *the other* person to be compleately clear on why someone is making them uncomfortable/being difficult to work with/etc- lots of people wont have those skills, and or they may feel too intimidated to do so. Other people arn't perfect either. This kind of situations reminds me of a story from Paul Watzlawick's book "The situation is hopeless, but not serious (the pursuit of unhappiness)" Imagine if this guy was at work instead of a neigborhood, and he had the possibility to go to a manager, telling "that guy is rude and don't want to lend me the hammer and bla bla bla.... ". In this sense, I agree that the manager's involvement would be useful, but the last thing I would expect from that manager is to call the other person in his office, instead of trying to get a clear explanation of of what the supposed rude behaviour was. And this would most likely not even involve (and uselessly distress) the other person at all. I'm not talking about silencing or not supporting people here... but just about not encouraging a paranoia epidemic in the working environment. I agree with what you say Blaze, they need help. They have the right to get it. But having the the manager trying to solve the issue, without having the skills, remains the worst way to face the problem. If the situation is serious like the ones that you refer to, they need professional help, not a manager that calls the "bad guy" in his office without even being able to get (and give) a hint on what's happened. The person who manage psychological problems has to be professionally prepared. Or, in case of mobbing, it's a crime and has to be reported to the police... and social skills or not, you still need to know what happened. A prepared person can do it, but improvisation can even make it worse. I don't know, maybe it's that I am not a native English speaker and I'm not explaining myself. On the other hand, if it isn't as serious as the ones you refer, then a confrontation remains the best thing. And this should be what the managerment should encourage as a first choice: dialogue between human beings. In any case, calling someone in the office being like "we don't know what you did but you did something wrong" is the worst thing for all the parts involved. There is no excuse. What happened to Merrial should not happen, there are a million of ways of facing the problem, without neither silencing nor hurting anybody.. Also, in this topic we are not talking about a single frightened person going to the Manager, but about a bunch of co-workers. How is it possible that none of them has been able to give at least an example, something specific. I really have doubt, in this case, about what is going on. The only thing I am sure about is that if the manager causes someone to go home wondering what she has done and crying, he/she is doing it wrong. For the "kindergarten behaviour thing... first, I'm demeaning the behaviour of that group of people. Not even the persons themselves, but the way they have behaved in this case. It looks strange to me that nobody between them has thought about speaking to Merrial before going straight to the boss. And that nobody has been able to give an explanation. If the whole workplace has social issues, or poor communication skills, it seems to me that that place really need some kind of professional counseling, for everyone, boss included. There are professionals who do it "on demand", and even if it has a cost, it is worth it. Second, this is a venting board, and Merrial's experience really made me angry. A lot. Defining that specific behaviour of the Merrial's coworkers as "kindergarden behaviour", I didn't think would be an issue.
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Post by tati on Apr 5, 2016 10:23:04 GMT
I'm glad I'm not the OP. After I read a couple of posts on these forums about bullying, I wondered how many ADHDers got bullied and how many if any, escaped. Then I started wondering a bit more about what makes a bully; could an ADHDer actually be a bully? Well, I'm not wondering any more. I think an ADHER can certainly be perceived as a bully. Thake the kindergarten example: it's referred to a specific situation and a specific group of persons (see Merrial's first post), but it has been interpreted as "if anyone has a problem at work, going to talk to the boss or to a senior coworker is childish, in any situation and in any case". (This is why I learnt to keep my mouth closed). To me the kindergarten thing was just about communicating how I feel about the case above. Not a specific attack to a person or an entire category of persons. Probably one of the famous examples of "blunt talk" that makes us seem rude. Bullying is another think in my opinion. Is when you target a person without any reason, personally, just to hurt. Even if you don't even know the person. Even if the person hasn't done anything bad. Just because she is different, awkward and in a situation of weakness. That said, I also think an ADHER can be a bully, like everyone else. And it certainly can be bullied, not like everyone else, but more often. It can also happen to be both. And sorry for the maybe silly question... what's an OP?
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Post by Babble on Apr 5, 2016 12:08:23 GMT
I think anyone can be a bully to be honest - certainly anyone can be perceived to be a bully (intent or lack thereof being the key?).
I can see both sides of the argument here (discussion, if you want to be polite, but it looks like an argument to me ).
On the one hand, from a personal POV, if someone had a problem with me I'd much rather they came to me about it. I hate being pulled up in front of the boss like a naughty school child, and dealing with the situation one and one means I'm clearer on what I've done wrong, and it can be resolved quicker.
On the other hand, if I had a problem with someone, I'd find it much easier to speak to my boss about it, because I kinda hate confrontation. Plus verbal communication is definitely not my forte, so I'd probably end up insulting/upsetting them by way of miscommunication.
I don't think there's ever going to be a concrete answer to this sort of problem - it very much varies with the circumstances.
Personally I think a combined approach would be best - organise a meeting, with the boss mediating, where Person A can discuss their issue with Person B. Person A is a lot less likely to go into 'rant' mode or be overtly rude with both their boss and their colleague there, and the boss can judge for himself how severe the problem is - offer impartial advice etc. At least that way it feels less like being sent to the principal, and more like a discussion between equals on how to resolve an interpersonal problem. Discourages a 'mob' effect, and Person B can (as in Merrial's case) bring up any issues they have in return (such as feeling bullied or ostracized).
But that's a personal opinion - might work for some situations, might not for others. And you might all just think I'm wronger than a wrong thing lol.
And tati - OP (as far as I'm aware) stands for 'Original Post-er'
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Post by tati on Apr 5, 2016 12:19:31 GMT
Babble, you perfectly summed up what I meant, regarding on how I think is the best way to approach this types of situations, in case the (hopefully encouraged) confrontation can't be done for various reasons.
And I think the reason why it worked in Blaze's workplace, is simply because seniors were actually prepared and had the skills to deal with that kind of situations.
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Post by contrarymary on Apr 5, 2016 19:36:37 GMT
hey tatiOP - original poster/original post
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Post by blaze on Apr 5, 2016 20:39:15 GMT
The judgement in kindergarden behaviour is not helpful, but you appear to be misding the point so i will just leave it. Claiming how things should be when reality is actualy v flawed-amd v immeduate- doesn't help terribley much either. There are some nasty bulloes out there but mostly it's not that simple & generalisef judgement detract from that- ime. quote author=" tati" source="/post/98092/thread" timestamp="1459850076"] That doesn't relate much to wide ranging social situations. You called it kindergarden behaviour- using name calling/insults demeans those needing to seak that help. And they very well may have poor social understanding themselves- it's like you are expecting *the other* person to be compleately clear on why someone is making them uncomfortable/being difficult to work with/etc- lots of people wont have those skills, and or they may feel too intimidated to do so. Other people arn't perfect either. I agree with what you say Blaze, they need help. They have the right to get it. But having the the manager trying to solve the issue, without having the skills, remains the worst way to face the problem. If the situation is serious like the ones that you refer to, they need professional help, not a manager that calls the "bad guy" in his office without even being able to get (and give) a hint on what's happened. The person who manage psychological problems has to be professionally prepared. Or, in case of mobbing, it's a crime and has to be reported to the police... and social skills or not, you still need to know what happened. A prepared person can do it, but improvisation can even make it worse. I don't know, maybe it's that I am not a native English speaker and I'm not explaining myself. On the other hand, if it isn't as serious as the ones you refer, then a confrontation remains the best thing. And this should be what the managerment should encourage as a first choice: dialogue between human beings. In any case, calling someone in the office being like "we don't know what you did but you did something wrong" is the worst thing for all the parts involved. There is no excuse. What happened to Merrial should not happen, there are a million of ways of facing the problem, without neither silencing nor hurting anybody.. Also, in this topic we are not talking about a single frightened person going to the Manager, but about a bunch of co-workers. How is it possible that none of them has been able to give at least an example, something specific. I really have doubt, in this case, about what is going on. The only thing I am sure about is that if the manager causes someone to go home wondering what she has done and crying, he/she is doing it wrong. For the "kindergarten behaviour thing... first, I'm demeaning the behaviour of that group of people. Not even the persons themselves, but the way they have behaved in this case. It looks strange to me that nobody between them has thought about speaking to Merrial before going straight to the boss. And that nobody has been able to give an explanation. If the whole workplace has social issues, or poor communication skills, it seems to me that that place really need some kind of professional counseling, for everyone, boss included. There are professionals who do it "on demand", and even if it has a cost, it is worth it. Second, this is a venting board, and Merrial's experience really made me angry. A lot. Defining that specific behaviour of the Merrial's coworkers as "kindergarden behaviour", I didn't think would be an issue. [/quote]
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