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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2015 11:13:32 GMT
I am a bit muddled today. So I shall just blog away until I think I am finished. I have a thing about too many "I 's" as in me ,being in a post. Probably because I am a bit narcissistic. ( I shall look up what that means later, but I think I know. Nine I's thus far. Took a while to nod off last night. I watched a bit of father ted, comfort telly. Just thought of something...Sitcoms...sets...I think I have noticed that all sitcom sets have familiarity built into them. For example next time your watching your fave, look at the scenery. I know it's weird and hard for me to explain. For me it's furniture, wall paper, or stuff from every one's, or the target audiences past, be it a mug, a book, magazine, dvd....Wait! that's the whole point...Putting stuff into the set so we feel more in common with the chara..... Right shut up brain I'm talking. But nice work brain, if not a little distracting. Work! I don't start till 6 am. Yet I am up at about 430 am, sometimes earlier. ( Insane because it takes 10 minutes in the car, I need not get up so early!) Anyhow I was pretty nervous, worried, etc. My bladder goes silly when I am like this and I can even panic I might have an accident. Determination set in, trying to fight the nerves off. I remained upbeat in the car, smoked a fag, radio on...I like the dark mornings Parked up. Needed a wee. Needed a fag. Shaking. I took long slow drags ( daft again because fags make mental health worse!) Calm down Calm down Breath slowly. 0545. Right lets go. I was almost crying by the time I got to the factory doors. Big strong men in front of me speaking a language I don't understand.( I forgot, I 'm supposed to be man, y'know an admirable and strong man) It's a factory that is expanding so the staff facilities are cramped and narrow. I was in. Gulping air and swallowing hard, please don't burst out crying, pleaaasssee. Ok On arrival you can go to the canteen, not staffed, but vending machines, coffees, snacks. I never do. I just slipped into my usual morning routine. Grabbed some overalls, hairnet, rubber gloves, gumb boots....Kinda like old school prodigy vidoes or altern 8 Managed to get changed with ease, sometimes in our locker room, it's too packed! All ok thus far...I remember saying to myself..Your not going to wee yourself...it's just anxiety! Made my way into the production area, washed my hands, found a supervisor. A giant of a man who looks like he might put you in a fish cake machine if you annoy him. Explained I was just back after being off for ages. I contemplated telling him how frightened I am of him, but, he might of either been hurt, or put me in the fish cake mix. I was sent back to the office to hand in my sick note. Our shift manager took the note.. read it..then said, in a Hamilton Scottish drawl, "righto, we'll do your return to work later" I was back. I survived an episode. Phew! Still panicky I looked for the supervisor I am scared of to see where he would like me to work. I was put in with a team I am quite familiar with. I more or less made cardboard boxes all morning which was fine, working with a female colleague( really nervous to put names up on here ) who is 40, two years older than me, and quite chatty so I was able to focus on her instead of my anxious brain. I even think the supervisors are aware of my nerves now because they take time to show me anything I haven't done before and also seem to make sure I am ok, which is really nice. I am very lucky. As for the scary supervisor, it's just my imagination, He's just a dude doing a job, trying to get through this life as best he can. Like us all.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 10, 2015 12:03:20 GMT
I'm so glad that your return to work wasn't too bad. You're not a fishcake! There's a lot of things I'd like to comment on. Your writing style in this post is really lovely Firstly, sitcom sets: my first degree was in theatre design (sets, costumes, props etc.) and was taught to think about the characters deeper than what is written on the page. For example, what music do they listen to, where do they shop, do they eat on their lap, or at a table? etc. The set has to look like they live there and are comfortable. The designer will usually put in a few things to re enforce the character's personality and maybe some period detail (and sometimes, little private jokes!) You shouldn't notice a good set. It should be appropriate to the dramatic material and should never fight the actors for attention. This is why I hate west end musicals and opera (I don't like the singing either). I am also concerned about the amount of 'I's I use. That was another 3. I've just finished a job involving early shifts. I also get up far too early, love the dark mornings and love to see the sun rise. It was working outdoors and on buses with limited toilet access. I used to go to the loo at least 6 times between waking up and leaving the house. I would then worry about being late and needing to go again. I often had to travel up to 2 hours by public transport to get to work, usually starting work between 5 and 6am. The more you think about it the more your bladder taunts you. I really miss smoking.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2015 12:22:19 GMT
I could easily become a fishcake...if I am not too careful... My writing style...cool...ta Really kind of you to share your theatre knowledge. May I ask if you have knowledge on script writing? But I appreciate you are busy, no rush. I like that moment just before the sun comes up...Just that moment. When the light sneaks in, quietly. I haven't been on a bus for years. I used to like the bus when I was little, they seemed safer then. Nostalgia. Yes I am to ignore my bladder today. I hate smoking. And when I am worry sick, it makes me worse, brings out my asthma. I then switch to nicotine gum, fruit flavour of course. My airways eventually open again and it's ciggy time. I knocked the drinking every day a long time ago, it slipped to once a week, then dissipated completely, well the thought for one did. I still have one if I want, but it's not a strong craving anymore. If I could just get like that with cigs.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 10, 2015 12:52:01 GMT
Ah. . .the moment before the sun comes up, it's still dark, but a cool, milky lightness creeps onto the horizon before the pink of the sun takes over. I took a picture of this moment a couple of weeks ago from London Bridge, looking towards Tower Bridge and the Tower of London - it only lasts a few minutes. Dawn is always so much more heartbreakingly beautiful than sunset because it's so quiet, even in central London, it's really special. I was lucky with the smoking, I just stopped when the smoking ban came in because I couldn't be bothered to go outside - and then I realised how much more money I had! I still have the occasional one when I'm out drinking, but that's not so much any more. I get headspin then a few seconds of complete brain clarity. I'm not sure what you're asking about scriptwriting - are you trying to write one? I've just been writing about this in the Lounge on contrarymary s thread about memory and perception. I'm really good at seeing where things are not working. I usually have a good idea why and can offer suggestions of what may work better. I am brutal, but usually right. Unfortunately, I can't use this skill on myself. I've helped friends who are artists, writers, film-makers, performers and they trust me. If I had the words to describe what this is, I might be able to get paid for it! Every day you get home and you're not a fishcake, is a good day
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2015 13:38:58 GMT
I like your description of dawn. I have only passed through London a couple of times. On a National express bus on the way to see a friend who lived way out in Kent by the coast, near Margate and other pretty places. I too get the can't be bothered going out for a fag. perhaps I'll allow this feeling to inhibit my smoking. I don't get clarity with smokes. I just blindly do it. Not sure on the script front. I have always liked certain British sitcoms. Steptoe And Son, The first four series of Only fools and Horses, Porridge, Red Dwarf, Faulty Towers, On The Buses and many more besides. Often when listening to my family chat away in the house, or when they are out at another relatives house I want to record the conversations because there is so much comedy in them. Not intentionally but there all the same. I keep meaning to buy the scripts of all the shows I like for further study. I feel the hardest part of writing is conversation. Both flow, naturalness and grammar. I read a bit of Contrarymarys thread and it was truly complex stuff. I don't comment but just read if it's a tough subject for me. But I shall keep looking at Contrarymarys post as the whole perception thing was very intriguing. Often folks with a certain skill, for example a psychologist, will be highly adept at sorting out other peoples muddles. yet you may find they themselves are in incredible muddles themselves. I think it's human to be able to perceive and sort other peoples issues, yet fall flat on our own. The words to describe it....Perspective Consultant? Every day I get home and wander if anyone has disappeared in a food product of some sort. The answer is gruesome and definitely yes. Yes everyday I get home and I am not a fishcake, fish finger or a lemon sole dusted in fine breadcrumbs with a hint of lemon is good. The latter always makes me want a KFC because it looks a bit like a fried chicken breast. I once had a KFC that still had the Chickens foot attached. It put me of KFC for at least four minutes.
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Post by contrarymary on Oct 10, 2015 13:44:26 GMT
hmmm vagueandrandom editor? management consultant? it's something my brain does too.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2015 13:59:45 GMT
I can never think straight enough to assist with other peoples problems. Sometimes I can. But not often.
Anyhoo editor or management consultant is precisely the sort of skill set of which it belongs.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2015 14:00:14 GMT
mind editor /reviewer
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2015 14:11:05 GMT
A commercial break of sorts
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 12, 2015 16:16:43 GMT
Ooh. . .a new picture
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2015 8:08:47 GMT
Yes vagueandrandom, it's the city I live in, Either at dawn or dusk.
Lot's of thoughts lately. Starting to see how impairing my adhd really is.
Because I was in denial.
It's all making sense now.
This is why I have no plans anymore. I don't set out to do anything, because I know I won't follow through properly.
Also just realized how expensive this condition is to treat and that there are no specialists in adult adhd where I am.
I think my Dr's are trying to treat me with as little cost as possible.
Because it should not just be medication. Some sort of therapy should be there to help unravel the bad adhd habits.
The fact that my Dr's offered private counselling, self referral, tells me that there is not going to be any other help. I don't think it will help if it's not adhd specific.
SO I have to help myself.
I would never ever have considered myself adhd. Never.
This is not what I intended to write about.
aaargh!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2015 8:16:37 GMT
Multiverse. Possibility of multiverse. Sort of means every atom or building block is built until all possible scenarios or sequences are played out. In essence then there must be other me's in other universes worse off. Alas there must also be successful me's out there. Dam those lucky me's. I hate those me's
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2015 8:40:20 GMT
I hate me.
My brain hates me.
My mind is forever chatting away to itself and none of it useful.
No resilience. None what so ever.
No motivation.
All out of ideas. Pointless ideas anyway.
Trying to fit into a world that wasn't designed for me.
A game I cannot play.
Sick of being distracted. It's less of a distraction, more of a take over. A hostile take over that builds over time. Fight it all you like, but it's hopeless.
Try as I may to find interest, purpose and meaning, I just can't.
A broken reward centre, It feels no achievements, no jolt of joy at anything completed, bought or saved for.
I do know how to change my reality, fill it with different experiences and people. You become what you eat, both physically and metaphorically.
I need to eat something new.
Keep myself afloat, the wind might change, maybe the tide will come in.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 13, 2015 11:36:14 GMT
Oh dear, you're not having a good day today, are you @alec77 ? I would never have considered myself ADHD either - particularly the 'H' I think that the Drs do try to keep the costs down by just giving out meds. It's the same with any MH issues unfortunately. I was diagnosed in a local clinic run by the Maudsley and the waiting list for specialist therapy is in excess of 9 months and that's London! The government keeps saying that MH services should be as important as physical health ones, but the services just don't exist unless you are just a bit depressed or a danger to yourself and others. My GP told me that I was too unwell for primary services, but not ill enough for secondary. . . and could I afford private? I've had a lot of therapy/counselling over the years and now I know about ADHD, I know why it didn't have much effect. I'm going to look into some private therapy after I move, but it MUST be with someone who understands ADHD, or there's no point. I understand your frustrations. I'm trying to look to the positives (now I know what IT is) and I'm trying to make adjustments. It's very easy to see limitations. If you want to write or study - do it! Set yourself realistic goals. Take things a little bit at a time. Why do you feel the need to fit in? I gave up on that years ago! Take time to find out who you are and who you'd like to be. I'm starting to sound all new agey. . . and that's the last thing I want to be. I don't 'believe' in god, mindfulness/meditation, CBT, angels, tarot, astrology, ghosts, hypnosis, crystals. . .etc. . .etc. . Some people do, and that's fine. I'll shut up now. Keep posting. I'm not working now and won't look for a job for a few months after I move, so I've plenty of time to talk.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2015 20:38:40 GMT
I think my cure is to work 14 hours days in a fish processing factory.
tis working
I really stink of fish
I had to sit in the garage because I smell
I care not
Tis a good day when a collegue goes home with some fried cod in breadcrumbs down hos kegs
**disclaimer**
it wasn't me, I am lucky, Very lucky, I need not put fish down my kegs
But i do not judge those who do
after all they made a perilous journey across europe to get work
and i have read about section 5 in romanina
upmost respect for my european friends
<3
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2015 20:39:25 GMT
also got hicups
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Post by clubby on Oct 18, 2015 21:38:02 GMT
I can see @alec77 that you are very philosophical. I think that is very healthy. Despite your fast and muddled inner voice,
your subconscious manages to fluently empty your soul onto keyboard. That is an enviable skill. You struggle to endure
employment and in a world where regulation and procedures have gone mad, you should be proud that you can see behind the
devil's cloak, even although the vision is hard to stomach.
As a philosopher your subconscious will endeavour to solve the mystery of adhd. This is good because there is so much
written about adhd that is recycled and in my opinion misleading.
As passionate learners it is our job to delve into the depths of our minds and our computers to find the truth about adhd.
Like you, my inner voice is totally garbled but it doesn't matter a jot. The subconscious has many more ways of talking,
ways which normal people have learnt to filter out.
So what is adhd? It is another perspective on life.
Why are we being shown that perspective? Maybe that is what we have to figure out. Food for thought.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2015 18:31:32 GMT
Thank you Clubby, you are a wordsmith, you paint pictures with letters.
I think adhd is a mind out of control. A mind that won't follow the rules. A mind with a mind of its own.
I read somewhere that adhd might be , oooh difficult to explain, erm, kinda like a primitive mind, untouched by evolution. By primitive I
don't mean simple.
I mean it's super alert for signs of danger, systems in the mind that were long ago turned off in modern humans are still running in ours. Our filters, which help moderns not get distracted and study, aren't quite developed hence system overload on sounds, movement, etc
But these systems are redundant and no longer needed.
Yet in the long long ago they might have been perfecly apt for our hunter gatherer relatives.
Crazy I know
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2015 19:39:27 GMT
Download part one. It has been five days maybe more since last post. Work has been hard but I am coping. Even starting to chat with my European fellow workers ( hate the word colleagues). I am typing by the glow of my laptop monitor and can't see the keyboard very well so excuse typos, thanks. I have been monitoring my anxieties, both at work, and in other parts of my life. Coming to terms with my adhd, i hate that definition, like landlord it needs changing! ( landlord oh c'mon it has lord on the end, it is not the middle ages!!!) This post will be jumbled as I have no time...ach! actually can't be bothered to edit it. So bare with me. My brain is liked a scratched record, jumpy and repetitive Ah yes anxiety... Firstly I decided whilst at work, I am at work, therefor time does not matter, no point focusing on finishing time. Or long distant goals( I want to save some monies for my wee boys whilst I am living with parents, feel like its a good time to do it) Sorry this is muddled guys and gals Yep when at work, sod the time, time is time, at work working therefor time is irrelevent Secondly I work in a factory, no point getting stress at all. It's all repetitive. Just gotta mind my back when lifting. And boy do I lift a lot in a day! thirdly I used to think I need a girlfriend. Crave one even. When actually I am a lone wolf. Yewh what a horrid two words to explain it, but tis true. There is no woman out there for me. And surprise surprise! I don't need a girl. After many examinations of my thoughts I have decided that this was an error in my coding. I LOVE being just me. Awesome. I have deciphered it was the external media propaganda machine filling my subconscious with ideals that were never mine. Ach thats not to say if a glorious one night stand comes my way..... What else have I learned... Ahhhh acceptance and do the best with what you've got For me this means there is no point crying over spilled milk. Having spent a year crying over a late in life diagnoses , then being bitter about my lack of education( which was partly choice, well who wouldn't bunk off school for four years, it was a real education) Prior to that many years job hopping, drugs, alcohol, false dawns, well so be it, the past no longer exists. So yeah, it would have been great if this had been picked up earlier in life, but it wasn't, learn,adapt, accept Make the best of what you got. Ha! I have no idea what the hell I intended to write, I did have an idea, then.........
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Post by clubby on Oct 19, 2015 20:07:08 GMT
I think you are right @alec77. Adhd is a mind out of control, that struggles to follow the rules, that has an inner mind
that is offended by the senselessness of those, who are so busy complying, that they cause great pain in our world.
My deepest feeling is that we do have a neurological blip in our brains, but I also believe that the blip is part of
evolution. Yes, we have to survive in normal society but I think it would be a mistake to try to be normal. Whether or not
they know it, Society needs us just as we are. We know we have talents, it's just that they are currently unfashionable.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2015 20:41:56 GMT
Other Interlinked Realities.
I am lucky, I really am, but it was not always so and took a long time for the people I care about to understand....These things take time....
The morning after my last shift was tiring. I was Flooked!
A dizzy array of thoughts swirling around my head as per usual.
I have no self supportive skills ( hoping to relearn them as once I kinda did. Yet alcoholism is not the answer!)
Anyhow
My Dad had been super focused on my KA of late. Not totally out of the ordinary for a Dad who served his time as a mechanic and is retired so has to do something.
My bumpers were faded so he resprayed them for me, I helped, They really brought out the newness of an old car. Like a facelift for the over forties( hey I am nearly forty!)
He always wants to look underneath my KA, strange man my father!
Anyhow
He's looking at advisory notes on last mot.
he panics
Recons the clutch is on its way out. He performs a mathematical calculations and future non existent yet plausible scenarios.
He lights another cigar as we sit in the garage, he pondering the validity of doing this and that to the car whilst I roll a fag and slap another song on youtube via my phone( drugs and sex and rock and roll by the blockheads if yer interested)
He runs through costings.
Wish I knew what my mind was doing but I don't, it was however very busy.
He concluded KA was dying!
Huh?
He swipped and tapped furiously on his ipad.
He spoke
" you gonna be able to stick that job for a while?"
" er yeah, I think so. Why?"
"Yer KA's F*****!"
"You sure?"
"yeah clutch is going"
I wasn't all that bothered, shit happens and I have a mountain bike that needs using.
My Dad is by no means rich, but he has a little stashed away for emergencies and offered to help me out by means of a lend for another car.
I was not keen on this at all, I try to live without borrowing. Borrowing is daft!
Anyway he was off on a tangent, He'd seen a Fiesta and thought it might be worth a look.
So I ran with his thinking.
We jumped in his car and set out for this garage.
It was in the middle of nowhere. Took about 40 minutes to get there( by the way I live in a city that is pretty much in the middle of nowhere)
The Satnav said you have reached your destination. All we could see was these dilapidated barns. As we drove closer we saw all these dead cars. It was like a scrap yard.
It didn't feel right.
We turned the car around and headed out. One of the barns doors was open, and in the dark interior you could see cars parked inside, this must be it.
As we were stopping a shady looking fella appeared.
He greeted us and chaperoned us into the barn.
There was no sign of the fiesta we'd inquired about earlier. There was however about five cars, two corsas , one fiesta and a suburo impretza( I ain't into cars!)
The fiesta looked alright. We examined it thoroughly( Well my dad did, i was more worried about the barking I could here, yet could not see where this BIG SCARY DOG could be. It was in a pen, responsible dog ownership, I was deeply relieved!)
Dad took it for a test drive.
Something inside of me thought this car is not worth getting into debt, even if it was a family loan. And we had discussed how much it would be to put the KA right, remember these are symptomatic and unproven, only my dads gut feeling( however he is very talented, he is also a dick, but yeah he has a brillant mind, sometimes)
The shady guy seemed more and more alarmed at my dads skilled examinations and questions about the cars history, he was flabbergasted!
I went outside the forecourt( the barn ) for a fag.
Shady guy came out and dissapeared into a cottage to get some paper work...
And I surprised myself, shocked myself even, and my dad was stunned....
" Well Neil( dats my real name) what do you think?"
" To be honest, my gut is telling me something ain't right. The engine has been jet washed for a start. It is too clean"
We had look at the other four cars in the "forecourt" and they were obviously bought from garages that were more established and would not risk their reputation selling them, futhermore the mileage on the other cars and the interiors were so badly worn I could not bring myself to do this to my dad.
" A grand maybe £1200 at a push" I continued,
" But two grand, no way"
My Dad quickly got his phone out and showed me their website.
OMG! it was so deceitful. They had a photo of a REAL ESTABLISHED GARAGE on their website. A proper forecourt with carpets, sales staff and WINDOWS!
We however were in a BARN with NO WINDOWS.
Trouble is my dad is old and was once young and very hard. Not mean or nasty but hard!
I on the other hand was never hard, almost effeminate with an outer fake shell of hard.
He had known the minute we pulled up this was a bad idea, yet he felt he had to play the game a bit.
Don't get me wrong, we were never in danger but it would have been folly to buy a car off these people.
And the point is that your heroes get old. With that comes weakness.
Just remember the man mountains they once were.
And protect them as they did you as you took your first precarious steps from the cradle
My Dad is a proper pain in the arse, so opinionated yet sometimes he speak sense
Yet with prostate cancer and a herniated disc he can't sit still, hyperactivity? Anyone?
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Post by tessaract on Oct 19, 2015 22:24:00 GMT
You should write
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Post by manson88 on Oct 19, 2015 22:26:22 GMT
You should write I'm just after reading this your right, tessaract Nicely spaced out and simple to follow pleasure to read.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2015 22:26:59 GMT
EEEEEeeeee but I am uneducated!!!
But tar for inflating may ego
I used to say to folks I am gonna me a writer
Maybe
Pffffft
Nah
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2015 22:28:05 GMT
Manson88 thanks man, but nah, writing is an intellectual art form
I am just a bum
A struggling bum that failed the bum test, well the physical part, I am ok on the theory
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Post by manson88 on Oct 19, 2015 22:32:37 GMT
Manson88 thanks man, but nah, writing is an intellectual art form I am just a bum A struggling bum that failed the bum test, well the physical part, I am ok on the theory There's a lot of folks read your bum notes so keep on coming on here to bum about cause it's a pleasure to read!
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Post by tessaract on Oct 19, 2015 23:54:52 GMT
Ermmm Charles Bukowski Irvin Welsh... Jack Kerouac
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 20, 2015 10:18:54 GMT
tessaract those were the first writers that came to my mind too! and Alan Warner and Jon McGregor and Stewart Home and if my books weren't in boxes, I could look at them and come up with a few more. A lack of formal education doesn't make you stupid - my granddad was incredibly bright and talented, but left school at 14 to work in the docks. He was then a railway guard and used to spend his breaks in art galleries and museums. @alec77 Your car story cheered me up this morning! The psych who diagnosed me told me about the primitive 'hunter' mind which has lost out a bit in evolution. I think jonbob had a thread on this. I think that you two would probably get on. I decided a long time ago that I was OK being single. I'm not against being in a relationship, but I'm hard work and anyone I'd want to be with would have to keep me interested over a period of time. This is a bit of a random post - you're back with your prolific postings and I want to reply to lots of things at once. You've changed your picture again!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 20, 2015 11:37:03 GMT
I've just started reading 'This Isn't The Sort Of Thing That Happens To Someone Like You' by Jon McGregor. It's short (some very short) stories and the type size and line-spacing are not bad. I think you might like it
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 20, 2015 23:32:58 GMT
Hey @alec77
I'm so bloody tired on meds. . . and the gym is really annoying with people vibrating the floor with jogging and dropping 'REALLY HEAVY WEIGHTS'
Sorry about that. . . I expect every day for you to block me @alec77 and I'm energised every day that you allow me to to participate in your posts. . .
I am, self-confessed, a total nightmare and and don't know why anyone would like to speak with me ....
You are a beautiful soul with lyrical writing skills and understand why having a job which has 'no time' can be good. .
xx
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