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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2015 8:09:33 GMT
Tessaract I have read Irvine Welsh, Kerouac, but not the other bloke. I waited ages for "on the road " to come out on dvd and it was SO SHIT!!!!
I am shit at reading. For example I went off on a phycology tangent filling my kindle with Freud, Skinner and other famous people from that "ology" ( ology is latin, it means to learn )
But it was tedious reading and well I will prob never finish any of them.
Because my astronomy urge was also bugging me so I also bought lots of those books, er...
I have read great histories from the Greeks, Romans, ummmm British, Egyptian.
Here is what I learned...
British History
There are too many blokes called Henry and i cant read roman numerals.
Greek
They invented democracy.
Roman
They had a really nutty bloke called Nero, he was nuts.
Egypt
Queen Nefru ( I may have that name completely wrong) was quite fit apparently. Where as Cleo might not have been.
So as you can see I talk a good book but something goes wrong when I am downloading into my memory.
Vagueandrandom
Gyms are annoying. They are full of super functioning normal's with dopamine reserves we could only dream of.
They waltz in there with their little suits on fresh out of a team meeting very much buzzing off the next business challenge.
They then proceed to strip naked unashamed of their bodies and prance around theatrically putting on their kit.
This is bad for me. I hate seeing other men's willies, so much so I always go into a cubicle in public bogs. ( why would I want to pee next to some one ?)
Anyhow...Gym
They all have perfect routines and special work outs that are target driven and structured.
They put their ipod thingy's in their ears whilst working out, probably listening to some Alan Sugar pod cast or something similar.
In their minds they shift and shuffle all the business plans of the day.
They go home via Watroise and catch a hole in the wall to pay the live in nanny.
They pop in on the kids as they sleep in their beds, they gaze down at their sleepy faces already planning their little life's away. In that little moment of feeling all paternal, but career comes first.
...............
Vague You are aloud to be you. You are being too hard on yourself. You are not a nightmare. I wan't to speak to you
I am not a beautiful soul
But I am rather handsome.
XX
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Post by manson88 on Oct 21, 2015 8:46:24 GMT
@alec77 Enjoy reading your bum notes you need a column in some newspaper.
It could well be your calling!!
By the I'm one of those gym rats. Go to the gym lift some weights and slip home again lol... Minus the ipod of course!!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2015 8:55:58 GMT
There are cool folks in the gym too. I was just being silly. I am just jealous because I'd like to be a gym dude but I am very Clumsy at sports. I get intimidated around men. I am a pretend man. Hehe AH! Perhaps you could advise me on jogging. I have tried the sport a few times. I was quite regular at one point. But I kept getting like a pain in my foot. I started walking, then jogging. Anyhow I could be done with starting again
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Post by manson88 on Oct 21, 2015 9:15:00 GMT
Well there's plenty of people intimidate me not just in the gym but in all areas of life.
Exercise is one of the most important thing in my opinion for mental health/Adhd.
I see its maintenance for the mind and body.. Even if it is just a stroll to the shop for an ice lollies. You are still moving getting out and about.
Your comments about being silly it's a valid point! We all build barriers in are own heads. Just do your thing and get on! Manson88
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2015 12:33:36 GMT
Yesterday my Dad and I went to Edinburgh to look at another KA.
2008 model, good price, low mileage.
It was too rusty.
My current KA, 2003, has only 21000 miles on the clock.
One owner, old chap who used it to collect his morning papers and groceries.
My KA was £800. A bargain.
I am not clued up on cars.
Fortunately my Dad served his time as an apprentice mechanic and loves cars.
The Ka's exhaust needs replacing. The ball bearings on the clutch are going so new clutch. Some minor rust around petrol cap, back window wiper and sills.
So it may cost £500 to put right.
There is no point buying another car for £800 as we could encounter similar problems.
The plan is to fix KA up and try to get another year out of her whilst I save frantically for a new one. Because I can't take out finance, I am allergic to it.
All my KA needs to do is get me to work and back.
I think MOT is due in November, My kind father enjoys working on it so I am extremely lucky.
And grateful.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2015 12:53:28 GMT
Going to see my boys this coming Monday. Dylan is seven and Josh is five. I haven't seen them since I took them up North for a summer holiday. They often say stuff when I skype them like " see you next year Daddy" or " see you at Christmas " Which serves to heighten the long gaps in-between visits. My youngest must have been about two or three when I left Doncaster, Dylan would have been around five. I used to have them every weekend in those days. They were all snotty noses and poopy nappies ( Well Josh was!) My ex breast fed them well beyond the six month WHO guidelines which is excellent. But I used to be so worried when I had them on my own. Yet they were absolutely fine! Back then we had opted to utilize attachment parenting which is hard graft ( hey all parenting is) but the jist of it is we met their needs as opposed to fitting them around our routine. I don't think the boys slept in their own beds until at least four years of age, and my eldest snores!! Josh must have easily adapted to his new life in Notts as he was only wee when I left. I still don't doubt he might have had some longings for his Dad. Dylan must have pined. He must have had those dreams that kids get in separation when they imagine there parents are back together. He must have needed me at times when school was hard or strange, or lonely empty weekends, or just to hang out with his Dad. I was very ill and isolated. I had to get to the bottom of what was wrong with me. It has taken a long time. The distance is both real physically and psychologically. I don't want the years to roll by and for my boys to remember a father who only saw them every so often. I have a job now, with four days on, four days off, that rolls onto a lot of weekends. I simply must push myself to get down there more. I am lucky, my ex and I chat on whatsapp every day. I get updates on their life. I get pictures of them, I see their achievements. I must make amends. Back then when separation was raw, and undiagnosed adhd with it's comorbids filling my head with fear, paranoia, agrophobia, etc, I was just shattered. I know what it is now and I can't let it ruin the chance I know have to get into their lifes a bit more. The time in now.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2015 13:07:26 GMT
Random observations and other junk.
I noticed when I first took concerta that because I had nothing much to focus on, I tunnel visioned on bad stuff.
I am became very anxious to sort out my life and mistakenly looked for answers in all the wrong places.
I assumed a partner would be a good idea, some one to do stuff with, share life's happy and sad times.
After a few dates and starts of relationships I realized this is not what my mind wants.
I tried to get back into my music. Tried learning guitar again...this wasn't what I wanted either.
I thought about studying again, but no, I have my Comptia A +, MCITP in server, networking and security, also ITIL v3, so no, It's not for me.
Then I decided stuff it. I will just work and save, keep all my money for the boys and when life gets unbearable.....
That is not a good idea.
I had given up. Rejected life and just didn't know what to do.
I was pissed off with adhd.
Fed up of a mind that tells me do this and that and when I get round to it, it changes it's mind!
I don't think I'd be a good friend, partner, employee, etc.
I can't juggle life's nuances.
So what's a man to do?
I got two kids who love me. MY Dad has cancer, as does now my sister.
I guess I am needed.
Short term goals...
Help out my Mum, Dad and sister.
See my boys more, build a stronger resilient relationship there.
Keep clocking in at the factory.
The rest is all irrelevant.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 21, 2015 16:49:00 GMT
You're right, gyms are annoying and stupid. I managed to avoid them until this year, but realised that that I needed to do some weight-bearing exercise.
I have problems with my joints and have had some injuries and dislocations and I'm supposed to do physio at home, but don't get round to it.
I used to dance (ballet, contemporary, in clubs) and I've always liked swimming. I badly damaged my knee dancing in a club last year.
I've written about this before, but gyms are the worst places to have ADHD. There's so many distractions and mirrors and TVs.
And I can't concentrate if the floor's vibrating because someone's running heavily, or thy're dropping those heavy free weights.
And I can't keep count of my reps - even just up to 10.
I wear an iPod, but listen to a lot of loud shouty music. I can't stand the 'music' they play there.
* * * * *
I am a pretend woman. I get intimidated around women.
I have nothing in common with them. I don't understand them.
* * * * *
I am not a parent. I like kids, but don't understand the parental bond.
I know that you think that I'm a raging intellectual, but I've done a lot of physical work and would hate to sit in an office all day.
I'm glad that you've realised that time doesn't matter at work. It won't make it go any faster. Clock-watching can make you anxious and it makes it go more slowly.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2015 22:08:29 GMT
Yes vague random lady
So true
Work, regardless is torture
Just gotta find the acceptable pain to wage ratio
what is a ratio?
Nowt to do with an oreo I expect
Everywhere is shit with adhd, unless you've had yer full quota of 8 hours sleep
anyhow...
x
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 28, 2015 22:16:33 GMT
. . . but oreos are nice. . .
. . . I wish I could get more than 6 hours sleep. . .
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2015 20:50:32 GMT
My mind has been all over the place, and so have I!
Right friends my ADHD is in full swing at the minute so I cannot write in an orderly fashion
But I want to update
so I shall
Hold on, I need a swig of brandy( erm yep)
bACK AND FORTH
caps lock grr
In no particular order
My KA is gone
My Dad ( who is adhd mainly hyperactive with the behaviour disorders) discovered that welding the bottom of it, or patchingg it up was never going to pass an MOT.
I am not a technical person, but the bits at the bottom of the car where the body meets the chasis where rusted through.
Whilst I was in Little Poland packing fishies for der folks to eaten my Dad had been hyperfocusing on a solution
He, unbeknown to me had been looking at all sorts of cars ( yes I am very very very lucky )
He had gone to a garage with the intention to pick up a wee corsa, 70000 miles on the clock, but no rust
but
suddenly
a fiat punto, 2010, 27000 miles caught his eye
it winked at him, he open her up, she smelt nice( i think its the strawberry bubble gum flavoured cleaner they used)
no rust
He took her on a date
She was gentle and kind
drove like a dream
he was hooked
he bought her
£4000
I had no idea
I came home after a 16 hour shift ( yeaah really)
His eyes where glazed over
I assumed that him and mother had found some time to...
but no
He had bought the punto, even though I only had 1700 saved up
so am in debt
the moral of the story is , do yer own car shopping( am kidding) (( i am lucky))
Doncaster
The old folks decided to come to Doncaster with me
To see my pests
The road ( all 400 miles of it, was kind to us, ps i am guessing on the miles)
My boys Dylan 7 and Joshua 5 are fine
It was good to catch up with them ven though I got mugged in toys r us, twice!!
could go into lots of detail here about where their heads are at, how school is for them, or even the secret film they made on their huddle but that's a separate post.
they are more than ok, very happy on that score
back home
Today was a weird day
My sister was on the local news
She did us proud
so sad that it was all about pancreatic cancer treatment and not about the wonderful, kind and awesome person she is
she was in the paper too ( aberdeen evening express, google it!)
Her cat vinnie grossed me out by eating a blue bottle, but he is gross, and a sook!
My dads stomach seems better. He was getting pains in his testicles which was a worry as he has prostate cancer. he also has herniated discs in his back
stomach ache may be related to tramadol and the old opium constipation
Hoping he is ok
As for my mum, well gladly she is fine.
Yet two years ago she was the one I worried about the most
Funny innit!
My Dad has cancer, my sister too
Some days I just cry a lot, but it's curcumstancial
Forgive yourselfs
DOn't ccompare yourseelfs to others
Your all ok
Peacee
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Post by hermanli on Nov 3, 2015 21:10:53 GMT
Omg Ive been missing out, your diary is great Alec!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2015 21:23:06 GMT
Hermanli thanks
don't encourage me, I get big headed!
Thanks tho!
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Post by hermanli on Nov 3, 2015 21:30:52 GMT
You know how you always leave a space between each line of text that you write? I used to ALWAYS do that, I guess it reflects our way of thinking and structuring.
I worked really really hard to try and avoid it though since about 2008 when I started to use internet forums a fair bit.
I have only just very recently come to the point I can bear to have two sentences/statements touching each other
I often now just do non stope writing and never press enter to go onto the next line - I just block it out of my mind but then have difficulty re-reading what I wrote.
there is something about it that is not quite right and confusing for me and I suppose you as well, but when other people write it seems to make sense!
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Post by manson88 on Nov 3, 2015 21:50:13 GMT
I think there's nothing wrong with the way @alec77 writes.
It makes pleasant easy reading for someone who is dyslexic.. It's simple reading and a joy to read...
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2015 21:52:32 GMT
Sentence then space thats all i do because here in this forum i find acceptance sentence, space good habit to get into i have to go now too drunk I just need to sober upp again pressure silly me thanks hermanli appreciate it man
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2015 21:54:01 GMT
thanks manson88 i am loggi ng off substance abuse is high right now need to calm donwn
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 3, 2015 22:00:08 GMT
I'm glad you got to see your kids today. Like you said, good and bad stuff happens and we have no control. Your family seem lovely. Come back soon
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2015 22:10:38 GMT
yes boss
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Post by manson88 on Nov 3, 2015 22:11:48 GMT
On the Buckfast tonight @alec77??
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2015 22:13:24 GMT
pffft
buckfast
hehe
yeeaah
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Post by manson88 on Nov 3, 2015 22:14:52 GMT
Lol lol!!
Some stuff the on!!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2015 23:11:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2015 23:16:24 GMT
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 3, 2015 23:56:00 GMT
Marvellous! but get some sleep @alec77 Zzzzzz. . . . .
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2015 12:38:58 GMT
Catching my sobriety again Had too much stimulation, or busyness in my life lately excitement either good or bad leads me to drink. I think apart from last night I was drunk for at least 9 days straight No drink last night, or tonight....although I might just have a wee half bottle, we shall see Coming to terms with my sister's cancer as best I can. Just as I was getting to grips with Dads I bought a whiteboard today to try and help me with planning I am also going to buy a tom tom sat nav to assist me when driving. It really helps me. The other day I had to take my sis to a not overly important appointment. The place she had to go is very busy and has a complex car parking system We were running late, I couldn't get parked, so she cancelled. If that had been a crucial appointment my guilt would have been ten fold more than it was. Some days I do not drive as my ADHD is rampant and my mind is being overly analytic looking for everything that could go wrong, filling my head with dreadful imaginings I have the worst sore throat ever and I hope it goes away before I am back to work on Saturday I have decided not to feel guilty if I can't or don't want to work overtime and will only do so if no one else wants it. I live by my means, no more no less. Nor do I have a need to climb the career ladder. Don't need status to make me feel good, Just brandy (kidding) Sometimes folks I miss replies to posts meant for me, so if it is important PM me, as I don't want to offend anyone It's hard to read all posts, although I do try. I was so tired last two days I had evil tired ADHD which meant that outside, whether it be the supermarket, or the busy day time zombie traffic, it was all to much for me. SO i am having a rest today Sometimes I wander how every body is so orginised and busy, socialy and workwise. Didn't some one famous once say work is the respite for people who have nothing better to do? Oscar Wilde? ( never read anything of his) I am also finding Planet Earth an increasingly sad and muddled place. The news just gets worse. Distribution of wealth is all wrong and i find the grossest horders of money to be celebrities who keep working way past their first million. Then you find their offspring in the top positions. I couldn't sleep at night with all that money, I'd have to put it to good use. Life is the fake democracy is very very strange indeed I think I'll lay off the newspapers for a bit
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 5, 2015 15:31:54 GMT
I wish I was as close to my family as you are. It most be such a big worry. And worry is one of those things that hyperfocus likes I hope the whiteboard and tom tom help. I end up shouting at the tom tom - it's so bossy! You need to make time to look after yourself. It can be so easy to get caught up with looking after everyone else. Take care
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2015 17:18:16 GMT
Vagueandrandom,
We weren't always close
My Dad worked offshore, My Mum found it difficult to cope ( well we know now I had ADHD!)
My sister and Mum used to fight all the time, huge massive catty fights
MY Dad had a huge temper, prone to massive mood swings, so we all learned to hide things from him, or just tell him what he'd like to hear
Going back to my teens, we were not a close family at all.
I dunno, time is a funny thing
My Dad is incredibly strong emotionally, and has a brillant mind ( I think he may be where I get my ADHD from) But he has no patience and low tolerance of anything, person, whatever that gets in his way
My Mum is polar opposite
I can't explain it very well
When I was younger and I went round to a pals house, or a girlfriends house, I'd be in awe of the harmony of the household. They wouldn't argue, shout, fight, pressurize.
I was always under pressure to do well. ( Father's anxiety / hyperfocus)
Our house was always tense, depressing, horrid.
It was awful
Hey! my tearaway mates were terrified of my old man! yeah really
However
There is something deep within us
We do love each other ( sometimes)
We have learned the hard way.
Gosh I may even write another journal on my early family life...Scary!
Age has mellowed us a bit. But we still shout at each other, pick fights, etc.
Stuff happens
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2015 8:40:03 GMT
I have rediscovered my alcoholism
Brillant
I drink to stop the constant bombardment of ever changing moods and racing thoughts
I am so stationary
I gave up all of lifes hassles so i could just be still
I was stressed by it all, rent, bills, work, social,
One by one I let them all go
I told my Mum I was a conciencious objector of our society, thats why I don't live my life for the bank, landlord, energy companies, tv, etc, it's all poop
That's why I don't have a partner, I said
Because I am a shit
I am sticking my two fingers up at everything
But no one notices
No one gets it
Further more I think everyone in this street must think I am that nice couples crazy son
He never goes out
No friends ever call round
He talks to cats
Ach what can you do
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2015 9:17:18 GMT
I am on the nasty side of adhd
There are several half bottles of spirits hidden in my room
I am being reminded by my brain of all the hellish things I have done
Nasty adhd temper tantrums replay over again
All the mistakes I have made
All the people I have hurt
I may write more about the nasty side of adhd later
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