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Post by danherts on Jan 24, 2014 9:01:10 GMT
So I had enough Concerta to get me through until my appointment which was yesterday. I've started vaping (thanks meep) and haven't smoked for about a month so I think the consistent presence of nicotine has made for a smoother concerta experience than before.
I've been taking it 5 or 6 days a week and it's been working quite well and I won't be too sad if I end up on IR MPH full time. That said it's effectiveness still seems to tail off for me after a few weeks which isn't overcome by increasing the dose and I have to come off it for 3 or 4 days.
Again I went to the doc hoping for a dex prescription, but ended up with Elvanse. I know a lot of people are keen to try it but the extended release medications are not ideal as a shift worker. Unfortunately the doc described Elvanse as being based on 'an old fashioned drug that is only sometimes prescribed and is mainly used in gyms and stuff as a stimulant'. So basically requested by drug seekers, my chances of getting it seem slim so I didn't even ask.
Taking my first dose of Elvanse in a minute. I'll keep a log of it here.
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Post by danherts on Jan 24, 2014 14:12:48 GMT
Around 4 hours after the first dose of Elvanse. A slight drugged up feeling but no improvement in focus. Read an arbitrary facelook link and found myself 45 minutes later downloading Department for Transport spreadsheets about car crash statistics.
Realised when I looked at the prescription that I've been put on 30mg for a month! The doc did say something about not increasing the dose until having my blood pressure checked but I zoned out. Guess she meant until she was able to do it at the next appointment in a month. Doh! The waiting game begins again then as doesn't look like 30mg's gonna cut it.
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Post by fuzzywuzzy on Jan 24, 2014 17:00:28 GMT
Hi danhertssounds incredibly frustrating for you hope things move forward quicker for you
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Post by danherts on Jan 28, 2014 20:56:30 GMT
Not too bad fuzzy. Hopefully two months and I'll have the whole medication thing sorted and can start working on other things. The whole process is quite exhausting though. I've never learnt so much about myself or done so much rumination in such a short space of time.
Day 4 on Elvanse, missing the MPH a bit and I've realised I'm nowhere near as effective as I have been for the past few weeks.
The Elvanse has had an effect on my focus after all though not really a positive one. When I decide to do something I don't really struggle to stick with it. The problem is I'm picking the wrong things and doing them for ages. It's like hyperfocus except not necessarily just for things I really want to do.
I've ended up staying up way too late doing things and leaving going out to appointments to the last minute not being able to drag myself away from what I'm doing. I suppose a higher dose might not be the answer as surely this will only got worse?
My heart rate is increased but not any more than on Concerta (90-100bpm, without meds 72bpm). I am a lot more aware of my heart beating though. On the second day I woke up on the sofa, went upstairs and by the time I got to the top my heart was booming. Blood pressure check time.
The one good thing about the Elvanse is that so far it seems to last a lot longer than the Concerta. The Concerta would wane after about 7-8 hours but I can still feel the Elvanse after 11 hours. Though this might be diminishing as one day I took it at 11:30am and struggled to sleep at 2am, whereas today I was able to get a 3pm kip in although I was knackered from staying up messing with XBMC all night.
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Post by danherts on Feb 13, 2014 22:15:34 GMT
Been on the Elvanse about three weeks now , bit annoyed with myself for not updating this as it was really helpful to read back over my experience with Concerta to compare just now.
Still not sure if this dose is too low. I tried splitting the capsule to see if I could eradicate the excessive hyperfocus but it was pretty much the same so I'm also wondering if I've been a bit unfair to the med and maybe taking it just coincided with one of my more lengthy bouts of obsession with a geeky project.
Since my previous post, I've realised that if I can drag myself away from something interesting I can accomplish feats of organisation I've never been capable of before. The state of the house is a good benchmark for what the meds are doing and for a few days I've absolutely smashed the housework.
With the Concerta I found at the end of the day I was able to muster the motivation to do just enough housework to get the place back to an acceptable state before relaxing for a bit where usually I'd feel like I needed some downtime and chores would just have to wait, which obviously just builds up day by day resulting in a painful cleaning blitz at some point just to get back to borderline shithole status.
With the Elvanse I if I can drag myself away from something interesting I don't just end up getting back to square one but end up deciding to clean out a whole cupboard full of crap. I took about ten minutes clearing out a bathroom cupboard that has stored the tools I put there when I 'finished' (still not really finished) refitting it about three years ago. Now I can take shit off the floor like the bog rolls and put them in there! Why didn't I think of that before? I've navigated the bathroom by constantly moving a 24 pack of bog roll obstacle for a few years for the sake of foregoing 10 minutes work.
On the back of this great realisation there isn't a cupboard in the house safe from my new found prowess at tidying. Leaflets from long closed down Indian restaurants and keys to cars I no longer own have been confined to the bin and their place in the drawer taken by crap I actually need that may have spent months balancing on a slow cooker or concealing a long forgotten chopping board.
That's been great for reducing the stress of constantly seeing things and thinking I better do that one day. I think it's making me more proactive as well, life has really stagnated in the last ten years or so as the responsibilities have sky rocketed. It's just been so hard to evenmaintain the dissatisfying status quo that I haven't felt I'd have time to take on anything else.
I got offered some extra work in a documentary and usually I'm sure I'd find an excuse to not do it, I felt like I better start doing some more memorable things. I could tell myself I'm going to sort out a load of stuff and then not do it and confine that day to the dustbin of pointless, uneventful experience with most of the others or I could do something I'd remember for better or worse.
So I've done a few overdue excursions with my daughter and hope to carry on trying to fill days with something rather than nothing. I'm planning to get back into martial arts and go to the local Buddhist temple for meditation sessions.
I've been doing a bit more exercise as well, although I suppose I've had to as I failed a work medical. I had to do a test which is based on heart rate increase under exertion , I've never managed to pass it as my heart rate goes up just before I actually start (this time by 23bpm) and I have to do a more involved test not based on heart rate. I done the best I've done this time, going a whole morning without a single stimulant which was bloody hard.
I've also been happier to do exercise as I no longer have a background worry about a heart defect. I had chest pains one morning, checked my pulse and it was slower than usual and irregular so got an ECG which came back clear.
So the Elvanse is amazing for staying on task if I can motivate myself to start something, it's MUCH better for me than Concerta in that respect, but useless in comparison in others. I've gone back to not being able to find words and everything is once again a 'whatsit', 'thingmebob' or 'dooda'. I'm no longer able to listen very well and deadlines are met a lot closer. I've got my fingers crossed a dose increase will sort that out but I fear it may go the other way and make it harder to switch attention, we'll see.
I've gone on a bit and I don't expect anyone to have read this far, good for me to get it written down for future comparison though.
Dan
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Post by danherts on Feb 13, 2014 22:27:15 GMT
Forgot to add, I've dropped overall stimulant consumption significantly. I was drinking tea, coffee, red bull using snuff and vaping like a chimney (flu?) and started getting twitchy eyelids and thought I better ease up.
No more red bull, only using the snuff when I can't Vape and dropped the vaping juice nicotine level from 18mg to 12mg and from tomorrow gonna see if I can survive on 6, the lowest. This could be another explanation why I was able to finally switch attention to other things on the Elvanse.
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Post by danherts on Feb 20, 2014 19:28:58 GMT
Another psych appointment today. Unfortunately the Elvanse pooped out and my crazed tidying came to an abrupt end, it still gave me an improvement with staying on task but to nowhere near the extent it had. Getting a bit sick of not being with it and missing the MPH a bit. Forgetting and losing things all the time. Got really annoyed today because I went to buy my dinner at Waitrose, used the loo in there and put my shopping on a shelf while I done the business. I drove to another shop in another town and thought 'Oh fuck, I've left my bloody dinner in the toilet.' I was so annoyed that I'd have to go shopping again but when I got back to my car the bloody shopping was on the passenger seat, I was so sure!
The family are away for a week and I'm supposed to be getting the house ready to go on the market - which it would be, if I'd never started doing any DIY. Got up early and took my Elvanse, figured I'd probably get put on 50mg by the psych and didn't want to up the dose for the first time when I'm back at work tomorrow so I got the capsules that I'd previously split and put back together when playing with the dosage so that I could find one with the most in it and go up to roughly 50 today. I tried to prise one of the capsules apart and it split, so I got a bit of tin foil and just chucked all the half filled pills in there and wrapped it up figuring I'll check which one has the most in it after the appointment.
At the appointment I got put up to 50, and got a prescription for 70 so I wouldn't have to have another appointment if the 50 wasn't enough. At the reception I booked another appointment and then went to put it in my phone only to realise I didn't have it. The reception phoned the psych to see if it was in the consulting room and she brought it out, opened the door slightly and handed it to me. Only it wasn't just the phone but resting on top of it was my wrap-O-crack-esque tin foil capsule holder. I was mortified, no idea whether the doc now thinks I'm a junky.
So I took my extra 15/20mg from my crack-wrap and ended up going all over the place and didn't get any DIY started until 3pm. About two hours ago I thought it was a good idea to sit down and drink an Erdinger whilst upstairs I've left an un-waterproof bath in a messy bathroom. I keep telling myself I'm going back up there to get this done tonight, but it hasn't happened yet.
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Post by danherts on Feb 21, 2014 23:34:01 GMT
First proper day on 50mg.
First off for some reason I think I've been focusing on the wrong things in this diary. Social ineptitude has always been the problem of which a solution eludes me, but I've been focusing too much on the classical ADHD symptoms for which I've over the years been able to make much progress with.
I think this is because not being socially able is so much maligned in everyday life. It's somewhat acceptable to expose yourself as forgetful and disorganised but being unable to deal with the barrage of required social expectations is seen as a far more fatal flaw or worse as a conscious lifestyle choice.
I resisted seeking help for so long because I was so ashamed of admitting that I just didn't understand how social interaction worked.
As I realised from some insightful posts when I first joined this forum, anxiety set in when I was confronted by someone honest enough to say how they perceived my behaviour, which made me withdrawn.
I still didn't have the ability to analyse my behaviour to really understand the things I do in the context of what's expected. I was oblivious to people's immediate reaction although I could tell long term it was obvious I was slipping up.
After a slight initial burst of social confidence on both Concerta and now on Elvanse. I noticed both that I was more talkative but also more anxious. I thought the anxiety was a product of the medication, but it's actually a product of realising the immediate effect of the things I say and do.
Whereas before I'd say things as though they're just throwaway remarks and just expect people to get on with it and judge me on my underlying nature which I deludedly thought was apparent. I realise my interactions are mainly these throwaway borderline offensive/taboo remarks.
I look back at when people have said I've been out of order and have just thought they were overly sensitive, not the case.
This is all compounded by the fact I hate small talk. It's massive effort and exhausts me. I can talk about philosophy and politics all night but this invariably leads to conflict as you disagree (and my views don't generally tally up with anyones) with someone you otherwise like.
I was speaking to a colleague today and I usually try to fake the small talk at work. I thought fuck it and brought up an Andrew Curtis documentary and how so much of what most people are concerned about is based on lies so powerful that the people that invented them now believe them.
Follow on from that and he thought I'd be sympathetic to the idea that Nelson Mandela was actually a murdering terrorist and deserves no praise, which I wasn't and his voice started to break as I tore his argument apart, and our relationship was pushed further into oblivion.
Now saying this I may have alienated people that think Nelson Mandela is a murdering terrorist. The irony is I hate politics and the divisions it creates between us as people, but I probably couldn't even talk about that without pissing someone off and them telling me without politics we'd all be raping and killing each other.
So the meds have helped with organisation and tidiness which is great and relieves and enormous amount of stress. But I need to be able to function socially.
I feel so guilty that my partner wants to be having dinner parties with other couples but I've given up trying because it's only a matter of time before someone spits out the beautiful curry I've cooked because I've dropped the C bomb at the dinner table.
I want to be able to show my kids to be social and courteous and not feeling most comfortable when they're giving someone a bollocking for lack of common courtesy.
Can't even be arsed to go on about the Elvanse now.
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Post by contrarymary on Feb 24, 2014 16:02:01 GMT
wow danherts that is an incredibly useful post - thank you!!
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Post by danherts on Feb 27, 2014 0:30:01 GMT
Thanks Mary, apologies for the self pity. I'll put it down to the Elvanse and beer.
The increase to 50mg has been positive in general terms.
The first few days I got a wave of euphoria about 3 hours in and then felt down when it faded away, not because I was actually depressed but just because that feeling was gone.
As I expected that has faded and I'm glad. I was also feeling at a loose end when the Elvanse wore off and that feeling has only diminished but will hopefully dissappear.
The difference between being medicated and not is definitely more apparent on the Elvanse, but I'm starting to wonder if I should have stuck with the titration on the Concerta since 30mg Elvanse felt similar to 56mg Concerta, but in the case of Concerta I dropped the dose back down, but having no option with the Elvanse I increased the dose which was much more beneficial.
The overfocus seems to have been my own brain creeping back in and the increase to 50mg on the Elvanse seems to have allowed me to shift focus easier.
I've read about dex being a lot smoother than IR MPH but I don't think this is the case with Elvanse vs Concerta. Though this may be dosage related.
Elvanse takes a while to hit me, compounded by the fact it seems to put me in more of a fog first thing in the morning,. I don't feel like it's fully working for three hours where there's a definite peak, then it tails off a bit for a few hours where it clings on to give a total effective time of about 7 hours. After the kids are in bed I can't face doing too much and everything gets left until I'm back on form tomorrow.
I've got a fair bit done but still can't face certain tasks.
Blood pressure has gone down and is now just in the normal range, but heart rate is a fair bit higher. 102 this morning. I get dizzy when I stand up quite often which didn't happen with my high-normal BP.
State of mind has definitely changed. I can tell but can't really put my finger on it. My partner said I've 'gone weird' today.
No real opportunity to test effects on social impulsivity/withdrawl. I've mainly been working nights when the meds have worn off or working on the house.
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Post by danherts on Feb 27, 2014 19:24:25 GMT
Quick update:
Very grumpy today. Got a hell of a lot done but the work just piles up faster than I can manage it.
Heart rate still too high. 100+ at every check (found an Android app that can measure heart rate using the phones camera, didn't believe it but it actually seems to work.)
Feel I might becoming overly serious and losing my sense of humour a bit.
Mind still running at 100mph. Just can't snap out of it to be in the moment.
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Post by danherts on Mar 2, 2014 0:52:23 GMT
Today and yesterday felt like the first days on 50mg Elvanse where I felt normal. As in I no longer really notice I've taken it but can look back at the end of the day and see it's had an effect. No side effects apart from a slight bit of jaw tightness and the fast heartbeat.
Back to work today and I'm noticing more and how I behave and feel a slight despair. I feel like my personality has been smashed and scattered all over the place and I'm scuttling around picking up all the pieces only to realise I don't want them and I'm not sure where that leaves me.
I can either abandon the medication and go back to ignorant carelessness and isolation or try to rebuild myself, but I don't know what from.
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Post by contrarymary on Mar 2, 2014 19:04:07 GMT
another helpful post - you have a way of phrasing things that really resonates with me - thank you.
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Post by contrarymary on Mar 2, 2014 19:05:32 GMT
...... I feel like my personality has been smashed and scattered all over the place and I'm scuttling around picking up all the pieces only to realise I don't want them and I'm not sure where that leaves me. I can either ..... go back to ignorant carelessness and isolation or try to rebuild myself, but I don't know what from. that
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Post by danherts on Mar 3, 2014 22:52:53 GMT
another helpful post - you have a way of phrasing things that really resonates with me - thank you. Thanks CM. It's nice to be understood. It's not a reaction I often get. I've started looking again at Aspergers. I've always felt an understanding of the Aspie perception and have looked into it from time to time over the years but I don't meet the DSM description. I think have to be on the spectrum somewhere and could perhaps fit the criteria for one the new DSM V disorders the are basically Aspergers minus a few symptoms. I have no interest in seeking a diagnosis however as it doesn't seem to open any doors in terms of treatment. I just think after medication there are some facets that perhaps can't be explained by ADHD and I might have to find other ways of combating them. I thought that once I got over my really poor ability to recall events and vocabulary, socially I would just click into place. As I've said, unfortunately the meds (and no doubt a lot of post dx rumination) have just shown me how much more is going on than I had ever realised. I just fundamentally don't really get how interaction works and maybe I'm just going to have to learn to fake it, which is probably all I've ever been doing anyway. So today started badly. I was exhausted last night and once again the Elvanse crash had me dying for a few beers. I only had two but woke up feeling awful and couldn't face taking the meds. I walked the dog and just started sinking into a bit of a depression. I had a splitting headache and thought maybe I was dehydrated so drank copious amounts of water to no avail. By 1pm I just took the Elvanse in the hope it might do something for my mood and luckily it seemed to work, or maybe it was just that the Mrs and kids were around. The headache didn't subside and by 5pm I realised that somehow I'd not had a tea all day. That seems to sort it. Braced myself for an argument at work tonight as a colleague texted me asking for £20 because "we've" decided to get X a Y as a retirement present. X is an arsehole and that is a widely acknowledged fact, but even more annoying is the assumption that a decision can be made on my behalf not only to buy X a present despite the arseholiness, but what that present is and how much I'll be contributing to it. No doubt they'll all just think I'm being tight I spoke to a few colleagues about it when I got in, and it seems not many of them seem to part of the collective "we" that decided this, and it's actually two people's whose lives X has deliberately made vastly more difficult in the past prior to the pre-retirement nice guy facade, and X's right hand man who has his head so far up X's arse that X has to specify a shoe size when he's buying underwear. Rant concludes.
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Post by danherts on Mar 27, 2014 0:33:49 GMT
Gotta get some stuff written down somewhere for psych appt while it's clear in my head.
Concerta/Elvanse comparison
Elvanse
- Amazing for procrastination/getting things done, the effect in that area is more profound than any other area with any other drug - Feel shit on days I don't take it - Feel mildly shit in the evening - Can't form sentences well on dosage that works, nake sentences as concise as possible so I don't slip uo - Memory not much improved - Not smooth, over an hour to kick in, three hours of feeling slightly fucked up and sloppy but happy and motivated then a few hours of feeling normal and motivated then maybe better than baseline for symptoms but emotionally....unstable? - Get loads of shit done, proactive - Paranoid? - Not so bothered about others feelings - Unintentionally loud
Concerta
- Memory much improved - Access to vocabulary/ability to articulate improved, can share complex ideas better - More understanding/empathetic, less of a short fuse - Does not lift the barrier of procrastination - Motivation only extends to getting back to square one/not proactive - Better in work environment - Feel more normal than on other meds , although possible effective dosage lower - Feel fine on days I don't take it/in evenings - Overall less dramatic effects - Scope for dosage increase
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Post by danherts on Mar 29, 2014 0:24:07 GMT
I'm on 70mg Elvanse now and have been for a week.
I was in a really bad place for a while whilst on the 50, depressed and anxious at work. Constantly analysing and ruminating and humourless.
The 70 has reduced the anxiety for the time being, but I may still be in the honeymoon period.
It's been incredible for motivation. I wake up in the morning all demotivated and think about how I don't feel up to the morning run I've now adopted into my routine, nor anything else.
A few hours later, the med kicks in and this barrier to fulfilling the things I want to dissappears and I can't wait to get out there. I literally don't stop all day and I'm constantly sorting things out.
Then on the downside I'm useless in the evenings and mornings and more absent minded. I've had three flat batteries from leaving the light on in my car. I can't speak properly and I'm more withdrawn because of it. I can't do the same as I did with Concerta and come off it for a day because the day is just a write off.
I'm wondering whether I could take both the Elvanse and Concerta together àt lower doses. If I could combine the motivation of dex with the mental clarity of MPH it would be perfect.
There don't seem to be too many examples of people taking this combo and I can't find any from the UK. Anecodotally it seems to work although on paper the combo appears to be antagonistic.
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Post by danherts on Apr 14, 2014 22:49:40 GMT
Disaster strikes. My phone decided to delete everything on it this morning out of nowhere.
Thought I had multiple back ups but haven't been able to get contacts back, evernote data including my new pin number - so good thing I brought the mrs to the supermarket - and missing some calendar entries somehow, including today's doc appointment. Maybe it's trying to tell me something.
Back on the Concerta from tomorrow. The Elvanse has been great for getting stuff done but it's just too detrimental on my mood and I miss being able to string a sentence together. I noticed as well that it's making me want to organise stuff, but not really sort out the pressing things I need to tend to.
I'm titrating again starting at 32mg. I took 72mg as an experiment and it worked well enough to convince me that I hadn't given it enough time and to ditch the Elvanse. Weird atmosphere at the doc's, seemed exasperated and pretty much said this is my last chance.
I wanted to start at 72mg but doc wasn't happy that I'd jumped straight to that dose and insisted on titrating from 18mg only getting to 72 next month, gave me prescription for corect amount and then said to phone if I run out, as though me not sticking to the titration is a foregone conclusion . Doc won't be happy when I go back asking for IR.
Dying to get this sorted, when did I start this? September or something.
Convinced the right dose is out there.
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Post by danherts on Apr 16, 2014 12:36:32 GMT
Second day back on Concerta 36mg.
A positive start yesterday and the productive momentum of the Elvanse carried forward.
I mowed the lawn, went for a run (much harder) and done a few bits around the house. For the last few weeks I've been like Cinderella, if I have load of stuff strewn everywhere whilst in the middle of something I have to have it sorted by around 6pm or the med wears off and I'm useless. Last night I was able to be slightly productive in the evening once again.
I can finally string a sentence together again, but for the first time in weeks I'm finding myself sat on the sofa in the middle of the day and not driven to sort out the much shit that needs sorting. Gonna try.......NOW.
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Post by danherts on Apr 23, 2014 19:36:09 GMT
Up to 54mg again.
Felt nothing so I was going to go up to 72mg tomorrow and then bang, at 4pm it suddenly hit me. Jaw clenching like mad and a bit of motivation coupled with a fair sprinkling of moodiness.
Can't figure out why it took five hours to kick in and I've felt nothing the past few days. All I can think of is it's down to a hit of snuff or having drunk too much last night.
Still managed to have a short run this morning, but I'm generally way less productive.
Enjoying the moment has always been a problem. The example I gave to the psych was that if I'm walking around on holiday and decide somewhere looks nice to stop for a drink or bite to eat, as soon as something happens like a drink or meal arrives I feel stuck and can't wait to leave.
I walk down the road and fall into the same trap over and over again, never actually enjoying what I'm doing, but only the idea of what I might do after.
I've realised the Elvanse at least allowed me to be content whilst I'm doing something that allowed me to stay with it.
The motivation with Concerta gets me started, but I can't stick with anything because the ideas are still relentless.
The Concerta still wins because it fixes my verbal memory and my priorities are more where they should be.
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Post by greyblanket on Apr 24, 2014 14:08:01 GMT
Hi danhertsI've read quite a few of your posts. I'm impressed with how clear you are about how the different meds are affecting you. I'm currently on 70 mg Elvanse, which starts to wear off at about 15:00, and the nurse has now told me they may give me a second dose of something. I know what you mean about the focus thing, being able to focus on a task and complete it, but at the same time, not being sure that it is the right task. Because you are focused on the task your mind is busy with that, and is probably not wondering about all the other things you could be doing. Together with the anxiety (see later paragraph) this lack of macro focus or planning has been a problem for me. This is not the first time I have sorted out my ADD, and I know how much I benefitted in the past from various systems and time management techniques. When I was first diagnosed, about 14 years ago, I had quite a lot of help from an ADD coach, and at the time also had some excellent (accidentally very appropriate) training at work, which helped me plan and structure my life and spend less time frustrated and chasing my tail. The medication I started with was Dex, but it took me quite a few months to feel it was working properly, but once I did life was good, and I coped really well for a number of years. Other health issues have subsequently intervened, and I was accidentally discharged from the ADHD clinic, and I think the dex may have stopped working. So for the last four years or so, I've been a bit of a mess. To get back to the point, although I have felt I am lacking the planning and I suppose executive function with Elvanse -- and am very aware of this -- I have been participating in the Getting things done thread, and have also been writing lists, using various apps to manage tasks. It seemed to me that I would never be able to work out what was important. And slowly but surely I have been making progress, and am getting clearer, and clearer about priorities. I think what I am trying to say is that the meds are a start, but there are other things that you can do which will really help you get on track. You also mentioned anxiety with Elvanse, I have this too, particularly in the morning, but I think I have conquered this with exercise. If I do about 30 mins running, or similar I feel much better afterwards, it pushes the anxiety away, and I feel fine. The other thing that makes me feel terrible is if I eat sugar, or refined carbohydrates, that increases anxiety and makes me feel really muddy headed. I find I get terrible sugar cravings when the Elvanse is wearing off and the complete lack of impulse control brought about by the meds wearing off makes resisting a very hard fight indeed. But I have been resisting, and this too has helped me to feel much better. Sorry if it's a bit rambling, but my meds are starting to wear off. I also realise that these comments may not now be terribly helpful because you are now taking Concerta. gb
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Post by danherts on Apr 25, 2014 19:30:49 GMT
Hi Greyblanket, nice to have a visitor.
I never sought medical help with the intention of becoming more organised or getting things done. When I hit 30 I realised I was on perfect course to become my father, apathetic, withdrawn and lonely.
I identified ADHD as the cause and sought help to stop myself alienating people and spending my life constantly switching between fruitless solitary projects I felt nobody else could understand.
I'd already put measures in place to be organised enough to get by and found a compatible job that didn't cause me too many issues.
Once medicated though I've realised that staying on top of organisation is taking up so much time it's not letting me tackle the other problems. I realise now that although being able to get things done is important, reducing the amount of things I need to do is the only way I'm going to have time to try and rebuild my life.
The Elvanse made me organise at the detriment of everything else, there wasn't really anything else I wanted to do so I wasn't distracted away from it. My partner got annoyed that I didn't stop to spend time with the kids or do much else.
Now I'm back to wanting to do be organised, but not being able to have any enthusiasm for the component jobs that entails, only the idea. I'm hoping a higher dose of Concerta will give me the ability to stay on top of things but not make me completely unable to sort out the main problems like Elvanse did.
The anxiety I got with Elvanse wasn't all pervasive, like the physical background jittery anxiety I've occasionally felt on Concerta. It was mainly my state of mind and I suppose more rational. I only felt anxiety in situations where I felt doomed to failure, so any activity would take my mind off of that.
Elvanse didn't help me communicate at all and made me a lot more aware of how deficient I was. A failure/withdrawal cycle set in and I became more depressed and more anxious as time went on.
Yesterday was awful and felt like my first round on 54mg Concerta. Really moody, forgetful and agitated. I was thinking my idea to go back to it was wrong and didn't know what to do.
I know that if I feel a bit jittery on Concerta I need to eat. Since starting on meds and exercising/not sitting about so much I've lost a fair bit of weight and one day at work I couldn't lift something I've always been able to.
I figured I'm not eating enough to match my new level of activity and my body's been attacking muscle for energy, so I ordered some whey powder, that arrived this morning and I took it with the meds and today has been much, much better. That might be coincidence.
Garnered a bit of motivation to get some stuff done, but still nowhere near Elvanse levels. mood much better, although I bypassed my run fooling myself that my legs were too sore from yesterday.
Post a bit all over the shop as I'm on my phone.
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Post by bluedrifter on Apr 27, 2014 8:55:00 GMT
Hi danherts
I read your post where you said something about being on the autism spectrum but don't fit in with dsm.
I thought of this document I'm not sure what use it is to you, rather than to provide an outside of the box point of view.
autismtheory.org/topotheory.html
Besides that particular document it's worth checking out the entire webpage.
I find it very interesting where the theory states (something like) that people who are descendants of people who lived in sparse areas of population are going to have more social disconnectedness, thus they don't have the same rapport with people who would descend from those who lived in the dense centre of populations.
So the further from the centre of a population ones ancestry stems from the more apparent they appear on the autism spectrum.
It may take a little while to properly absorb this information, I know it did for me, however once absorbed it makes more sense that I ever thought it would.
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Post by twix on Apr 27, 2014 9:47:11 GMT
I have a bit of the autistic thing too.
Normal people get on my nerves sometimes.
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Post by bluedrifter on Apr 27, 2014 10:38:57 GMT
I have to sit with my fingers in my ears when I'm reading as I'm so sensitive to noise/distractions, I cant bear it when the sun shines too brightly through the window, when the light gets dim in the evening but it's not time to put my electric light on and close the curtains yet, when I'm in shops that are busy, when I don't think someone is listening.
To such a degree that I feel a rage coming over me, I ain't had my proper diagnosis yet, only a conclusion from a clinical psychologist that my symptoms are a match for add, with or without the h.
I have no medication and I have no friends, problems at work, my relationship with my wife is near crisis point and I'm drinking alcohol to feel relaxed, for some reason the hangovers help me to focus the next day, it's almost like the withdrawal symptoms of alcohol helps my condition. (I don't know how or why).
I'm now due to see a psychiatrist that is not an adhd specialist and I'm terrirfied (<<< Sorry I've forgotten how to spell it, that happens a lot.) that I won't get a diagyouknowwhat and then have to continue my life without medication.
If anything my condition is getting worse.
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Post by contrarymary on Apr 27, 2014 17:20:27 GMT
reading this thread today i remembered seeing a programme on autism which included the work of simon baron cohen, a professor of developmental psychology (or similar) at cambridge. prof b-ch and team developed a 50 (or so) question test which fairly reliably indicated who is on the autistic spectrum. i remembered that i fell across this info a couple of years ago and then was reminded again recently (story of my life). i must admit i was quite surprised. no doubt there are threads somewhere on this forum which talk about the overlap(s) between ASD and ADHD, if anyone would like to post a reminder that would be gread. anyway, here is a link to the National Autistic Society community page, with a whole load of online tests for various things on the autistic spectrum. (sorry to hijack your thread dan)
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 9:35:58 GMT
I have to sit with my fingers in my ears when I'm reading as I'm so sensitive to noise/distractions, I cant bear it when the sun shines too brightly through the window, when the light gets dim in the evening but it's not time to put my electric light on and close the curtains yet, when I'm in shops that are busy, when I don't think someone is listening.
To such a degree that I feel a rage coming over me, I ain't had my proper diagnosis yet, only a conclusion from a clinical psychologist that my symptoms are a match for add, with or without the h.
I have no medication and I have no friends, problems at work, my relationship with my wife is near crisis point and I'm drinking alcohol to feel relaxed, for some reason the hangovers help me to focus the next day, it's almost like the withdrawal symptoms of alcohol helps my condition. (I don't know how or why).
I'm now due to see a psychiatrist that is not an adhd specialist and I'm terrirfied (<<< Sorry I've forgotten how to spell it, that happens a lot.) that I won't get a diagyouknowwhat and then have to continue my life without medication.
If anything my condition is getting worse. Para1 - Ditto. Almost exactly me Para3 - Don't need friends (he says). Happy with my own company, but feel isolated when without social interaction for too long. Same here regarding alcohol, but by the time the hangovers are finished the anxiety kicks in again. Avoiding the news at this point helps. Para4 - The diagnosis was much more important to me than the medication - although the symptoms have worsened since then and I have stopped compensating (too exhausting now). I've just learned to avoid situations more where my ADHD might lead to negative results. Of course that's not always possible to do and I can still wack off an impulsive email or make an "insensitive" (aka truthful) comment at inappropriate times. But I've pulled back from here a lot - although I've been rather reflective and melancholic of late and increasingly more philosophical about the futility, as I see it, of human existence. Para5 - See my Para4 response contrarymary - I think this is the one? I've taken this about three times over the last few months and score between 39 and 43
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Post by contrarymary on Apr 28, 2014 14:28:28 GMT
hi journeyman. that's the one. i don't think i've ever scored less than 32, and the most i scored was 47. even when i try to minimise my responses i'm over 30. topsy turvey world, huh, and not much of the brain understood. even - or perhaps especially - by those who make a living from telling us how the brain works and frequently giving their opnion or best informed guess as cold hard fact. we are all on a spectrum, and context or effect on our ability to function is everything. what is seen as a gift in my friend the artist is seen as a disability in me; what is seen as great aptitude in my friend the lawyer is seen as persistence or obsession in me; what is seen as insight and wisdom in my friend the writer is seen as being weird in me. were i an artist or a lawyer or a writer, or indeed someone with a supportive and encouraging partner i might be perceived altogether differently. context. and perhaps a little marketing. go figure.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 15:07:16 GMT
hi journeyman. that's the one. i don't think i've ever scored less than 32, and the most i scored was 47. even when i try to minimise my responses i'm over 30. topsy turvey world, huh, and not much of the brain understood. even - or perhaps especially - by those who make a living from telling us how the brain works and frequently giving their opnion or best informed guess as cold hard fact. we are all on a spectrum, and context or effect on our ability to function is everything. what is seen as a gift in my friend the artist is seen as a disability in me; what is seen as great aptitude in my friend the lawyer is seen as persistence or obsession in me; what is seen as insight and wisdom in my friend the writer is seen as being weird in me. were i an artist or a lawyer or a writer, or indeed someone with a supportive and encouraging partner i might be perceived altogether differently. context. and perhaps a little marketing. go figure. Absolutely spot on for me contrarymary. Fight your local authority or NHS trust as one person and you're "tenacious", fight them as I do in order to seek the truth when they lie to me, or refuse to give me simple information, then I'm an "irritant" or a "nuisance". Get too close to the knuckle and to the crux of any corruption, then I'm "vexatious". But hold on, aren't I just being tenacious? I've been waiting over two and half months for someone at my local LA to give me the name of the lead officer in charge of complaints. They haven't said they won't respond, they just refuse to respond - even after several reminders. Amazing behaviour. But that's how the NT world works. It's a form of slavery: put your head above the parapet too often and you'll get the snipers out for open season surreptitiously going about some mental health bashing. But will then issue a statement on how much work they're doing on Mental Health awareness. I've even asked them if they have a policy on dealing with "customers" (their word) who have mental health issues. You guessed it, no response.
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Post by bluedrifter on Apr 28, 2014 15:52:52 GMT
@journeyman It's (everything I wrote) that I have managed to distract my self from until more recently, along with lots of other problems it's meant that I've never fitted in anywhere, no matter how much I try. Something else that I forgot to mention, and it's caused lots of problems, it's I tend to think/remember things that happened in my life that I find funny, I then burst out laughing, this has caused me lots of social problems as I'm not very good at explaining what was funny. People tend to think that I'm laughing at them. I suppose it's a bit impulsive as I really can't help it. After lots of careful self analysis I've also worked out that if I see something bad happen, say an old lady falls over in the street then I go help her, and feel sorry for her, I guess that's 'normal'. The problem is that If someone is telling me a sad story about something that happened to someone else, or to them themselves, as I did not witness this I find it hard to attach any emotion to it, I end up just seeing the persons lips moving but I'm not listening. Now that they don't know that I'm not listening I'm feeling a bit sneaky by not listening, so then I can feel this nervous laughter building up within, I'm then physically holding back laughter, I don't care about their story, but I know it's a sad story and I care enough about them not to want to laugh.... So I end up having to make an excuse to leave quick, IE toilet, other times I have made huge marks inside my mouth where I've been inflicting pain by biting to prevent my laughter coming out. What I really want to say is '' Look I like you and feel bad for your sadness, but as far as your story goes I'm not interested, I'm just watching your lips move, I'm not listening''. It makes me appear quite mean to write such a thing. if they would just say ''I feel sad''.... I would say ''Oh why''......They could say ''My friend is in hospital with a illness''.... And I would say '' Oh that's a shame''. I really don't want to hear any more about it than that, simply because I won't be able to hold attention. And then there's people that smile in shops, I've realised that they are only smiling because they want a smile back, thus they are trying to control my face. mary I've read your post above, the problem appears to be that when artists, lawyers, authors become dissociative they appear to have a useful role, when myself become dissociative I'm not providing a function that is useful to others. My partner is supportive but I can see what I'm doing to her, she's struggling to cope, so it's not just myself that I need help for, I don't think she's going to be able to cope much longer, because things like when she makes a noise, for example inhaling on an electric cigarette, I end up giving her such nasty looks, because it completely distracts me from anything I'm doing, so she's unable to relax. She also has to put up with my mood swings, lack of emotional control, short temper, blurting out inappropriate comments, I stare at people out in public, I can't stay in shops, I can't ever make my mind up. In short I'm socially dysfunctional, I'm off my work with stress, I've got to wait three more weeks before my assessment and I'm sat here with my toes twitching grinding my teeth, posting on forums appears to be the only thing I can focus on. I've woken up this morning with pains in my chest from indigestion, and a cricked neck, I'm sure it's because of stress. I wish when I see the psychiatrist in 3 weeks time I could just hold out my hand and say 'give me my pills'.
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