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Post by justsawasquirrell on Apr 22, 2016 15:49:31 GMT
I don't even know if I am looking in the right place for answers, maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Right here goes... How is it possible to love your few friends and family deeply, yet when they are not in sight or contact for even short periods of time, all that emotional connection just goes? It is as if a switch is flicked, nope, can't see them, not thinking about them,don't care, but you know when that phonecall comes one day, the overwhelming guilt will be unbearable. Rather like the " if a tree falls in a wood and no-one is around to hear it " philosophical question. Is it just that the jumble of thoughts in your head is only just about able to process the here and now, thus pushing what seems, in that moment, to be unimportant to one side? I don't know questions,questions. Is it ADD/ADHD? is it Aspergers, or is it just me being incapable? Yep, I've left the gas ring on again and the kitchen cupboard doors almost, but not quite closed. ..why exactly? I don't know, they shut perfectly normally and I wasn't planning on re-visiting that cupboard any time soon. These aren't direct questions, just a cross-section of the sort of self-doubt that clouds my judgement on a daily basis ...now staring blankly at the screen wondering if I should post this, am I going to get laughed out of the doctors?
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Post by contrarymary on Apr 22, 2016 18:09:56 GMT
sounds normal to me. unfortunately welcome to the forum
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Post by marionk on Apr 23, 2016 4:22:18 GMT
Is it just that the jumble of thoughts in your head is only just about able to process the here and now, thus pushing what seems, in that moment, to be unimportant to one side? I don't get that problem with family and good friends, not like that anyway, but I think you've summed it up quite well there. For me the problem is more about remembering all the things I'm doing, need to do, have to do, what just happened, what I just read, wrote, heard, said, and such like. Even before I realised I have AD(H)D, I knew I had problems with that, and I used to liken it to my memory being like a bowl, full of marbles. The marbles being the things I need to remember, and the problem being that the bowl is too small and won't hold all the marbles that it needs to hold, and worse, when another marble comes along, it sends the rest of the marbles flying out. Your version is much closer to what really happens though.
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Post by justsawasquirrell on Apr 23, 2016 4:55:23 GMT
I like the marble analogy I can see a picture of it in my mind and seeing that picture somehow makes it a less complicated thought, thank you. Maybe I'll get back to sleep for a bit
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Post by justsawasquirrell on Apr 23, 2016 11:25:32 GMT
This forum is far from being the solution to what I believe to be maybe, possibly, perhaps my problem. Instead it has been my focus for the last 2 days I rarely post stuff online (bloody Farcebook etc ) because it takes too long to construct a sentence that everyone might get, someone might be offended, that person will think I'm weird blah blah can't think of anything constructive to write blah. Why did that person put an X at the end of the last message, but not the one before? Is that a sign of love or just what people do? I don't know. I daren't friend request that person because they might think I fancy them or might just ignore it, I'm not worthy of being their friend anyway. Best block those people from seeing what I've just written, actually what's the point..delete...logout I somehow feel at home here with people I don't know, have never met,must be why I'm sticking my neck out. It's not just me that thinks like me hooray!... But not hooray because I wouldn't wish these circumstances on anybody. I know I'm very selfish, but I so want to be able to help people...that's why I changed jobs I think, atonement for being a pretty rubbish human, ironic that I am mentoring young criminals a lot of whom have the condition I think I might have and worse.Should I Be? Maybe I should return to being a courier, I was good at that....structure,deadlines, on my own most of the day in a van hmmmm ...but then I'm capable of so much more, but I know I won't focus long enough to do that. Can't be arsed
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Post by marionk on Apr 23, 2016 13:18:13 GMT
I know what you are on about there (except for the feeling like a rubbish human - I have a really great primary school to thank for that mainly, and ironically a bully at secondary school- but that's a long story, and having typed a bit of it here, I've deleted it again! ) Sure we use stuff like posting on forums to keep ourselves away from the stuff we don't really want to do, and we're not in control, but we sure do learn a ton of stuff while doing it! I never did like Farcebook (love that version of the name btw, hadn't seen it before ) but I used to be on a lot of self sufficiency type forums, but gave them up for pretty much the same reasons. Work at a post for ages, trying to make sure it couldn't be misread etc. but still someone does, and after that's happened a few times, move to a different forums, repeat, and finally after too many years start thinking why am I wasting my time on idiots that are determined to misread/disagree/get offended and give up on all of them. Oh hang on, this is a forums too . . . lol I don't think I will have that problem here, although I still spend ages writing what turns out to be a short post.
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Post by justsawasquirrell on Apr 23, 2016 13:32:34 GMT
Hopefully my proliferation of posts will reduce as I find out more from professionals, but the more I read, the more I want to know...but at the same time I don't wish to burden anyone with my mindless clap trap when everyone has their own issues to deal with, many more serious than mine...must take the dog out and get away from t'internet..and thankyou
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Post by marionk on Apr 23, 2016 13:51:51 GMT
Post as much as you like, it's sometimes quite quiet here, so it's all to the good, knowing people are around, and giving something to read, and while it's good to be able to help someone, it's also good to know how other people are getting on without help. In fact that's what I'm particularly interested in; how do those that are doing fine manage it: what hints and tips can I pick up from them. I especially need it for decluttering on a budget!
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Post by contrarymary on Apr 23, 2016 17:00:44 GMT
we all do the many-postings thing to begin with, and then some of us do it in waves for ever after it's so normal it's probably diagnostic and it's SUCH a relief to find our tribe until we get distracted to the next hing and forget adhd exists
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Post by vagueandrandom on Apr 23, 2016 18:15:35 GMT
Yes, post as much as you like. . we all think that we're writing drivel from time to time
but it doesn't matter. . sometimes a brain dump helps. .
I don't do forums. . and always thought it was sad to talk to people online. . .
yet here I am . . Still. . .
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Post by clubby on Apr 23, 2016 18:31:24 GMT
Hi justsawasquirrell I have the same feeling about family and friends as you do. They say I am all or nothing. I don't feel the slightest bit guilty about it. I don't love them any the less, and make up for my "deficencies" when we meet. I do try and be a bit more regular in bringing them to my consciousness because they seem to need it and I do love them but it is a massive effort. Why do we leave cupboards open and forget about the gas ring? These are such important things to discuss. Why are our heads full of knowledge, yet we struggle to do anything with it? These are such good questions to ask. There are lots of experts out there who will give you off the shelf solutions but I believe the best place to get answers is by looking inside your own mind. This forum is a great place to empty your thoughts to allow that process to happen. PS I hate Facebook. All I see is Lol OMG xx OMG lol OMG. Xxx
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Post by justsawasquirrell on Apr 23, 2016 21:24:58 GMT
Hi clubbyThe fact that nobody has said...are you sure that you are looking in the right place? is fantastic..I am actually quite overwhelmed at some of the responses To be able to pretty much blurt out what I'm thinking in that moment ( whilst another part of my brain is thinking, what the cluck are you doing that for? ) without fear of rejection is quite something. Face to face it takes months, sometimes years to even let a person land on the surface of my world, let alone stick a probe in and get a core sample, which is sort of what I'm doing. The friends/family thing is a big one. As I am about to part company, I feel myself literally withdrawing emotionally before they are out of sight and I have returned to my introspective bubble. It is only my wife pointing out the cupboard doors thing that made me aware. Tried to nail it the last couple of days....left the cutlery drawer open tonight just to mix things up lol. Until I can speak to a 'professional' I still feel a bit of a fraud, but I can see how I may have created coping mechanisms down the years. I hope to be able to share some of these....making up songs about the next thing you are about to do and singing it until you do it...helps me make it to the garage to get an onion without having to retrace my steps and work out why I'm there Thankyou for yet more reassurance that my normal may not be everybody's normal, but it is at least somebody's. Even if nobody reads this I'm finding it therapeutic. Your own head can be a lonely place even when you have people around you.
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Post by clubby on Apr 23, 2016 21:44:58 GMT
Hi justsawasquirrellYou are definitely not alone here. You describe exactly what most of us also feel. I have a song for every room in the house and if I have to move from one room to the next I start internally humming the tune for the room I must go to next. Music seems to be the only thing I can carry in my head that survives interruptions. It works for me really well when I remember to do it. Don't think you are a fraud. Your posts are so recognisable to us .
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Post by vagueandrandom on Apr 23, 2016 21:50:39 GMT
justsawasquirrell . . it takes a lot to post here. . a lot of doubt. . No one wants to have ADHD . . but it's often a lightbulb moment when you realise that there's other people like you out there. . . in my limited experience, the majority of people who join the forum before diagnosis end up being diagnosed. We naturally doubt because we fear rejection every day. Getting stuff out of the head and into writing can be incredibly therapeutic and if you get replies. . even better. . .
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Post by justsawasquirrell on Apr 23, 2016 21:54:24 GMT
Thank you clubby ...and vagueandrandom, you posted in the 5 minutes it took me to decide only to write thank you and not waffle further!
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Post by justsawasquirrell on Apr 24, 2016 19:19:37 GMT
Managed to pluck up the courage to phone work to say I would be off for another week. Should have done it sooner, should have taken the offer of a 2 week 'fit for work' note in the first place then I wouldn't have to phone the doctors again tomorrow. Was doing alright sort of talking but not with a bloke I don't really know at puppy training today..he talked I drifted off.Rescued when somebody he did know appeared and I stood there like a lemon staring into the distance.....for about 40 bloody minutes!Seem to be able to earwig other people yakking, but directly? pahh not a chance.Might be the eye contact discomfort thing. Went upstairs for co-codamol, came across the bath mat I couldn't fit in the wash and had just dumped on the stairs and took it up..I only had to go half way back down the stairs again, frowning before I remembered what I had gone up for. I'm sure more stuff happened today.Staring blankly now.the end. Must stop singing the Ribena advert "zoobeedoo ahh"
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Post by clubby on Apr 24, 2016 21:29:56 GMT
Hi justsawasquirrell, Out of interest did you drift off because he was really just talking to himself; because he was boring; because you couldn't get what he was meaning; because it was tiring listening to him or because of something else?
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Post by justsawasquirrell on Apr 24, 2016 21:48:20 GMT
hi clubbyhmmm..I was sort of looking towards my wife in the distance with the dog, the orient express going by, the old couple walking along the path, the agility obstacles, the larger dogs at the opposite end of the field, whilst telling myself I don't know what you are talking about,hoping that I didn't look bored, all with an underlying yearning to want to feel engaged and that I was able to interject occasionally and bring the, then one-sided conversation, over my way knowing that once I had, I would stumble over my words/mind and finish my very brief sentence with err so yeah and feel even more awkward. He was talking about going to germany next week, something to do with Nurburg and car racing, so I did retain a little of what he said... I sort of hope that people will talk back to me in short bursts, but they don't always and the 'oh no here we go' attitude gets stuck in my brain before I can even give someone a chance.I feel it is something I have no control over I suppose I found it tiring as well. can you relate to any of this?
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Post by clubby on Apr 24, 2016 22:10:58 GMT
I do relate to what you are saying.
I find it very difficult to follow what people are saying in "small talk" conversation or if they are giving me instructions.
I hear what is said but I don't get the meaning until a few seconds later, by which time the speaker is talking about something else.
It is very tiring and intense small talk gives me bad headaches.
If I am forced into small talk situations I usually take my camera and hide behind it.
Looking through the viewfinder helps focus, it limits conversation, you always have an opportunity to escape and everybody loves the result.
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Post by justsawasquirrell on Apr 24, 2016 22:26:41 GMT
Small talk is like a foreign language...I like the camera idea, must work on a portable talent. My brain is hurting now, I've not left this pc for nearly an hour and a half. It is genuinely so interesting to hear other peoples insights...but likening it to, I think marionk's analogy, more information equals more marbles in the bowl
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Post by vagueandrandom on Apr 25, 2016 0:29:59 GMT
I find small talk easy(ish), but boring. . .
Big talk is better, but sometimes too emotionally draining. . overshare? . .
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Post by justsawasquirrell on Apr 25, 2016 8:05:03 GMT
Late night?..Yep overshare..but on very rare occasions. Writing is easier than talking,for me, but still requires ultimate concentration and you can take stuff back before you send it...am I oversharing on here? rhetorical question. Must learn to structure my comments like you, bullet points not long strings of commas and semi-colons. Miraculously I have got doctors at 9:40 tomorrow Lots of preparation to be done and other more significant asd symptoms which may spread me over a couple of categories What do I know
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Post by vagueandrandom on Apr 25, 2016 9:01:08 GMT
Yes, late night. . .
I also find writing easier to explain points than speaking.
The lack of filter makes it easier to overshare. . .saying whatever comes into my mind. . .
this can be good and bad. . .too intense and intimate. . giving a sense of ease and possible unconscious flirting. . .
or blunt and inappropriate/embarrassing. . .
This is a place where it's good to overshare.
I usually to write in big blocks of text with good grammar and spelling, but find that this way is easier for
everyone to understand, including the dyslexics. . .could do with a double line space formatting option.
Good luck at the GP!
I'll give you the advice that I give to everyone, as it came up again and again. .
Have an answer prepared for the question ". .and what do you hope to gain from a diagnosis?"
A lot of doctors think that nothing can be done anyway, so why stigmatise yourself with a 'difficult' label?
Just 'knowing' what is 'wrong' is such an enormous relief . . .and you can start to live your life with the knowledge
and stop beating yourself up for things that are not your fault.
Anyway. . .I have an employment interview to prepare for. . .
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Post by justsawasquirrell on Apr 25, 2016 9:10:26 GMT
Thanks for the advice vagueandrandom Butterflies aside, lets hope we are both successful in our missions.Good luck!
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Post by marionk on Apr 25, 2016 9:39:05 GMT
hi clubby hmmm..I was sort of looking towards my wife in the distance with the dog, the orient express going by, the old couple walking along the path, the agility obstacles, the larger dogs at the opposite end of the field, whilst telling myself I don't know what you are talking about,hoping that I didn't look bored, all with an underlying yearning to want to feel engaged and that I was able to interject occasionally and bring the, then one-sided conversation, over my way knowing that once I had, I would stumble over my words/mind and finish my very brief sentence with err so yeah and feel even more awkward. He was talking about going to germany next week, something to do with Nurburg and car racing, so I did retain a little of what he said... I sort of hope that people will talk back to me in short bursts, but they don't always and the 'oh no here we go' attitude gets stuck in my brain before I can even give someone a chance.I feel it is something I have no control over I suppose I found it tiring as well. can you relate to any of this? lol I can relate to both of you! Listening to someone interesting is hard enough, listening to someone boring without drifting off is next to impossible! Also, though, when I'm talking to someone, I am very bad at telling when they're bored, and when I do finally latch onto the fact, I still can't stop!
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Post by justsawasquirrell on Apr 25, 2016 21:58:33 GMT
Spoke to the cleverest person I know....my Dad He could only find my reports 13-16 and final one Said he felt someone walking over his grave as I told him about my forgetfulness Also said my dabbling with illicit substances in the 90s may be catching up with me I believe that to have been a symptom not a cause, desperate to fit in, but still not like he said, nobody knows your own mind better....he's bringing reports tomorrow Good practice for docs tomorrow... "what do you hope to get out of a diagnosis?" Was the very question my Dad asked me Very sceptical until I explained that my mental picture of life past was a line of walls that I have climbed over, disappearing to an infinity point; presumably because I can't go back there, and my picture looking to the future is exactly the same, when it should be open with endless possibilities I certainly don't feel down about it all just really ******* frustrated
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Post by justsawasquirrell on Apr 26, 2016 9:41:18 GMT
Well my appointment was at 9:40, so once my wife had gone to work I set the kitchen timer for 9:30 to give me time to put the dog away and go. This was fine because it gave me 15 minutes??? what?? Right up until the last I had 9:45 stuck in my head Needless to say I arrived late Shoved the NICE guidelines under his nose and said I'll give you this so I don't waffle....I then waffled I talked, he listened, told him what I thought I wanted from a diagnosis and it is not to be heavily medicated... He is referring me, I assume to CAMHS at Milton Keynes hospital? dunno, didn't ask Said bye awkwardly, shuffled out to the car without looking at anybody in case they knew what I was thinking; a few tears before heading to the post office Yay! I have made it to doctors and post office today, I am on a roll Not sure what I feel, worry, relief Maybe cooking up the garlic sausages in the garden for dog training treats ( that I was supposed to do on Sunday ) will be my 3rd epic task of the day It won't be CAMHS...the A stands for adolescent...Ill be 42 this year
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Post by vagueandrandom on Apr 26, 2016 9:49:41 GMT
Yes! You're on a roll. . . 2 things done before lunch! It's a start. . it's really hard to get across to the GP why, as an adult, you suddenly think you might have ADHD. . and why it's important. . and they agreed to refer you for assessment. . Now. . the wait. . . Well done!
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Post by justsawasquirrell on Apr 26, 2016 9:59:26 GMT
Thankyou vagueandrandom was just posting on your thread my one thought at that moment I am lucky to have a job, but could see myself being back in a similar situation if I don't find the right support
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Post by contrarymary on Apr 26, 2016 12:23:16 GMT
that's progress indeed - well done you! and garlic sausage would be a bonus
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