Post by vagueandrandom on Aug 19, 2015 17:16:12 GMT
I thought I ought to update my meds diary. . . nothing very exciting happening, except I'm now having to take 3 x 5mg generic mph instead of 1 x concerta.
I don't know how you're supposed to remember to take 3 tablets a day at regular intervals, especially if you have no regular routine.
I can take one in the morning when I wake up because I've been taking thyroxine then for years and I've got into the habit. (thyroid damage from lithium as wrongly diagnosed as bipolar)
I've then been setting an alarm on my phone for the next one, but the problem with daytime alarms when you might be doing something is that it rings, I turn it off and think 'I must take my pill. . . when I'm not walking/in the bathroom/cooking' and I forget and remember much later. This is how I only managed 2 yesterday (forgot the 3rd, but remembered at 8pm which is too late if I want to sleep). Today I have managed 3, but the last was about 90 minutes late.
Anyway, I was better on 34mg of concerta and all this sticking to a low dose which has little effect is due to the consultant leaving and another coming in which delayed my 2nd appointment from 4 weeks to 9. And then I'll be moving out of London shortly after the next appointment, so I'm going to have to get transferred and possibly even re-assessed, so I'm a bit frustrated on the medical side at the moment.
HOwever. . . I've been doing a lot of planning, research and reading to make positive changes to my life after the move. To implement a slightly different organisational system and to look for a job, or start a business which uses my strengths and isn't too heavily weighted on my weaknesses. With my diagnosis and understanding of my condition I feel much happier about myself and will try not to take too much stuff on that, no mater how hard I try, I'm never going to be brilliant at. I really want to get some proper therapy too, to try to undo some of the damage that being undiagnosed for so many years has done. I might even make a friend or two!
I know that type of noise vagueandrandom. In my own home it's from the central heating. The boiler (a really good one and "silent") is bolted to the same wall as against which my bed is placed one floor down. It's inaudible for most people, but I sense it anyway. At times it can become quite dominating.
Have you ever tried melatonin? It's a relatively simple and safe type of medication that you can use to calm your head when you want to go to sleep. It is often prescribed for ADHD because the melatonin levels are lower in the brains of people with ADHD. (It is purely related to sleep, so it's of no use to take it during the day.) I tried it in the past few weeks and was quite surprised how it improved the quality of my sleep.
You might be able to buy it in the shop at 0.5 or possibly 1mg, but I was prescribed 5mg tablets by my doc.
Post by vagueandrandom on Aug 26, 2015 20:53:08 GMT
Well, I had a totally shitty day yesterday! I over-reacted to my friend saying that they were busy and felt rejected and angry and upset.
I cried on and off all day and was angry at everyone and everything and swore out loud, even when there were children around.
I feel a bit better today, but exercised too much on an empty stomach this morning (Pilates for an hour then 1k swim) Then went into town and walked a lot, so I could barely climb the stairs into my flat.
Shattered!! I still can't get the hang of taking tablets 3 times a day, especially as they don't seem to be having any effect. 2 1/2 weeks to go until my next appointment.
Post by vagueandrandom on Aug 30, 2015 14:04:25 GMT
I'm having to take 3 days off my meds. I didn't think that it made much difference, but I'm back to sleeping really badly - 3-4 hrs to get to sleep, 4 hrs sleep, 2 hrs awake, 2 hrs sleep.
I'm doing it because I counted my tablets on Friday and realised that I had tablets enough for 14 days, but have my next appointment in 17 days.
The clinic only runs on Monday and it's bank holiday tomorrow. I'm also back at work a week on Monday and I'd like to see if it has any effect at work.
One other thing I've noticed is that I've been more emotional and anxious since stopping the meds.
I'd been very depressed for about 2 years previous to diagnosis and got used to crying most days, and getting overwhelmed and I think that's improved, although I haven't had an improvement in focus. It could just be relief in being diagnosed. . .
Hello. Just been reading your comments and that and fucking hell my mind is frozen like, its feels so weird. Oh im loving what your talking about by the way and i haven't got a clue what im doing yet, probably commenting in the wrong place on discussions which happened eon's ago but fuck that it doesn't matter (if it does tell me pls). Defo relating to what ur talking about. Noticing everything, hearing all sounds that are going on around you, strong intuition etc. . Lol and not answering the phone fucking hell I didnt realise other people do that as well. I've never been able to work out why sometimes i will answer it and other times wont even check my phone to see who had actually called. Brain chemistry/chemical communication within the body is a very complex system i don't think the current knowledge or understanding that they have has barely scratched the service. Anyhows rable,rable i could talk shit for ever so i'll stop now. Im enjoying reading ur stuff anyway maybe we can have a chat sometime. Can tell you where im at on the adhd discovery spectrum. 8)
Thank for your reply. Dont know if ur a smoker or not but i suffer with getting to sleep and hate getting into bed when i know im not going to fall asleep straight away but when i have some i smoke a little bit of cannabis an hour before bed i have no problems and get solid sleep. No waking up every 2 hours etc just solid 8 hours sleep. I feel a sleepy when i get up but it doesnt last very long. For me just being switched off for 8 hours is a rest in itself. When i dont have any its back to the same as you describe when you get up you feel worse as if you have been wrestling all night and generally feel like shit. Your working patterns will mess up your sleep, lack of sleep will explain why you feel more emotionally fragile. Yeah that chemical melitonin is the one that regulates sleep, might be worth telling ur gp about work and sleep patterns, lack of sleep. Im great at giving advice but not at taking my own as i've only just recently seen a dr, first time in about 9 years and have a big list of things that need to be sorted. Lol i haven't had a diagnosis yet just wsiting to find out about assessment and how long i av to wait and if i need to get private one done. My situation is a little more complex apparently.
OMG!!! Too much trauma!!!!!!!!!! Got my computer (life) nicked off the van as we were loading.
I thought that the meds were making my moods more even, less extreme . . . .. NO!!!!
I have been for the last 2 days: Crying, howling, shouting, kicking, breaking stuff, walking round and round whimpering, destructive, 'throwing a tantrum', making stuff that makes a noise MAKE A BIGGER FUCKING LOADS NOISIER ANNOYING NOISE!!! - kicking stuff, hating the world, using swear words like in 'the exorcist' at normal, well - adjusted people, being a total fucking nightmare!!!!!!!!!
I know this is not how a grown - up should act. I can't behave differently. I am not a child. I know better.
I can't control myself as it feels like A KNIFE THROUGH MY FUCKING HEART!!!
I AM embarrassed, I feel ashamed. . .
IT IS NOT MY FAULT!
I know that it looks like I'm a spoilt brat, but I'm just over-reacting to a normal, quite upsetting situation. . .
Sorry to hear about your computer, hopefully you'll get a new one soon.
Sometimes with the meds( concerta ), we have off days, and our emotions over flow, Because sometimes the meds don't quite work, if that makes sense. Beause concert represses all that , and slows our head down. It's only natural that sometimes our brain goes screw you concerta, and releases.
I think you should accept what happened and move on. Don't beat yourself up. We are all aloud a few days to be off, moody, rude, mad, angry, peeved and the like.
what a terrible time to lose your computer, just when everything else is changing it's hard enough being low on working memory, and then losing the thing you rely on for so much.
with the letting go of emotions, empathy. i'm increasingly aware of the gap between my own emotional responses to things (mostly all or nothing) and "normal" responses.
there must be a gazillion threads on here where we''ve come home /got off the phone/get to the end of the day/week/trip and are beating ourselves up for how we reacted to a situation/what we said to people/completely losing our cool. often this blows up in our heads and we beat ourselves up about it.
There are times when my own meltdowns feel like a toddler having a temper tantrum. often seen as completely unreasonable, but the emotion is simply so huge, so overwhelming, it just comes out like a volcano erupting.
what i've begun to learn from meditation is that: we are doing our best, we make mistakes, we are human. we need to be compassionate to ourselves, understand that we are suffering/struggling/anxious and are doing our best. we suffer more when we fight what Is, and are more at peace when we let go of what we had hoped reality would be and live with how things are in this moment.
what has begun to work for me is being compassionate with myself, actually talking to myself(!) eg "hello CM, clearly you were angry/hurt/upset/disappointed and you expressed it very forcefully. it may not have been the best timing/wisest thing, but it's done, and you can't change what's past.
don't beat yourself up, take a few deep breaths, get some perspective - in the wider scheme of things it's nothing more than a raindrop, and no-one else will be holding onto it quite as much as you are. give yourself a hug. work out what you can do from here. You can't live in the past so let it go and live in this moment."
Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 10, 2015 11:22:55 GMT
Thank you for your support @pelargonium @alec77 and contrarymary
I am feeling much better now, I just had to get it out of my head and my diary seemed like the best place.
It's not so much the computer as the stuff that's on it. I think that I've backed up most of my music and photos to the cloud.
I have a crappy chromebook and I'm staying at my parents' in the country until I can move to my new house.
I'm lucky because I will be able to buy a new computer. I'm changing everything else in my life, so I can start fresh with that too.
I wish I had a bit more control over my emotions, but don't want them squashed.
I was on lithium for a few years and hated it because, although I didn't hit the bottom of the black hole of despair, I also lost the total joy and 'over-excitedness' at everyday things which is what makes 'me' and what I and other people love about me.
My tantrum behaviour doesn't come out too often, and I recover quite quickly. I know that I shouldn't beat myself up about it, but I beat myself up about everything. It's something that I intend to work on. I'm looking into therapy with someone with experience of working with people with ADHD to work on my self-esteem.
One sort of positive - my mum (who won't talk about anything 'mental health') said that I'll need to schedule social things when I move because I tend to get depressed when I spend a lot of time alone. This is a big deal. She's never accepted that I get depressed (rather than just having low moods).
I'll stop rambling now. I'm so glad I found these boards
One of the hardest things to do is not look back, to let go of the past.
This is because when we get into our situations, it's hard to look forward.
make a vow, one that can be broken, and amended, and is changeable.
Mine is this...
To accept the way I am and allow myself the opportunity to build relationships with others.
But I acknowledge that this will take time.
Friends are hard to come by.
However we have the right to choose them wisely.
How one goes about it is the tricky part.
The good thing about friend seeking is that it's not got the pressure of a couple/relationship type situation.
The hard part is finding something, in your locality, that you could take part in to test the waters.
Meetups is a web service that caters for this. I haven't tried it yet.
Volunteering could work for some.
An evening class.
Something like that.
And finally a lot of people don't understand mental health. When I was a wee laddie it was common for people to talk about mental health in whispers. Sadly and wrongly it was seen as a scary thing, a taboo.
Nowadays people are more open and do try to understand .
But for our parents it was a no go area. Something to be hidden away. Totally wrong and just awful attitude to have to MH.
And it may be to late for some folks to change their perception on MH. We must not punish ourselves on their lack of insight.
They were conditioned into their mindset.
I should stop rambling on your post too vagueandrandom!
I've just tracked down your personal diary thread vagueandrandom to say that I think you are in exceptionally fine posting form this week, and I keep cutting and pasting things you say into my "thinking things through" file. Thank you.