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Post by contrarymary on Aug 13, 2015 13:30:50 GMT
vagueandrandom there are quite a few things written about ideal careers/jobs for adhders... variable, reactive, important, fast-moving, problem-solving... if you have funds to support yourself for a few months, i wonder if you are able to think about some specific training or qualification?
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Post by clubby on Aug 13, 2015 18:07:11 GMT
I hate phones. I was born with a phobia of phones. I can remember as a child running behind a curtain whenever the phone
rang, while other kids would run towards it, begging to be allowed to pick it up.
I overcame the phobia after 7 intensive years of manning the phones of a breakdown business but still struggle with the
mechanics of it.
If someone in the room talks while I am listening on the phone then the voice on the other end completely disappears and I
have to ask them to repeat.
I cannot hear properly if there is room noise like a kettle or TV on.
I don't hear well what people are saying especially if there are important details to remember.
My speaking voice gets tongue tied.
I generally have to plan my calls and have a list of key words in front of me.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Aug 19, 2015 17:16:12 GMT
I thought I ought to update my meds diary. . . nothing very exciting happening, except I'm now having to take 3 x 5mg generic mph instead of 1 x concerta.
I don't know how you're supposed to remember to take 3 tablets a day at regular intervals, especially if you have no regular routine.
I can take one in the morning when I wake up because I've been taking thyroxine then for years and I've got into the habit. (thyroid damage from lithium as wrongly diagnosed as bipolar)
I've then been setting an alarm on my phone for the next one, but the problem with daytime alarms when you might be doing something is that it rings, I turn it off and think 'I must take my pill. . . when I'm not walking/in the bathroom/cooking' and I forget and remember much later. This is how I only managed 2 yesterday (forgot the 3rd, but remembered at 8pm which is too late if I want to sleep). Today I have managed 3, but the last was about 90 minutes late.
Anyway, I was better on 34mg of concerta and all this sticking to a low dose which has little effect is due to the consultant leaving and another coming in which delayed my 2nd appointment from 4 weeks to 9. And then I'll be moving out of London shortly after the next appointment, so I'm going to have to get transferred and possibly even re-assessed, so I'm a bit frustrated on the medical side at the moment.
HOwever. . . I've been doing a lot of planning, research and reading to make positive changes to my life after the move. To implement a slightly different organisational system and to look for a job, or start a business which uses my strengths and isn't too heavily weighted on my weaknesses. With my diagnosis and understanding of my condition I feel much happier about myself and will try not to take too much stuff on that, no mater how hard I try, I'm never going to be brilliant at. I really want to get some proper therapy too, to try to undo some of the damage that being undiagnosed for so many years has done. I might even make a friend or two!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Aug 24, 2015 23:02:57 GMT
Just a quick update. I know I've gone on about it on a general thread, but my noise sensitivity seems to be getting worse!
I've been bugged all day by an almost subsonic pulsing. I can't work out where it's coming from, but it's not in my flat.
I'm really tired as I hardly slept last night and it's keeping me from sleeping. The radio doesn't mask it as it's more like a really low vibration and I can't sleep with earplugs in.
About the sleeping. When I was taking concerta, I was tired and slept really well for the first few weeks, then a bit less well, but ok.
Now I'm on the IR mph I get really tired mid-evening and struggle to stay awake, then I go to bed and my mind wakes up and races like it always used to.
Last night I went to bed at 11pm and was still awake at 3am.
And it's midnight again and there's the pulsing. . .
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2015 6:37:55 GMT
I know that type of noise vagueandrandom. In my own home it's from the central heating. The boiler (a really good one and "silent") is bolted to the same wall as against which my bed is placed one floor down. It's inaudible for most people, but I sense it anyway. At times it can become quite dominating. Have you ever tried melatonin? It's a relatively simple and safe type of medication that you can use to calm your head when you want to go to sleep. It is often prescribed for ADHD because the melatonin levels are lower in the brains of people with ADHD. (It is purely related to sleep, so it's of no use to take it during the day.) I tried it in the past few weeks and was quite surprised how it improved the quality of my sleep. You might be able to buy it in the shop at 0.5 or possibly 1mg, but I was prescribed 5mg tablets by my doc.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Aug 26, 2015 20:53:08 GMT
Well, I had a totally shitty day yesterday! I over-reacted to my friend saying that they were busy and felt rejected and angry and upset.
I cried on and off all day and was angry at everyone and everything and swore out loud, even when there were children around.
I feel a bit better today, but exercised too much on an empty stomach this morning (Pilates for an hour then 1k swim) Then went into town and walked a lot, so I could barely climb the stairs into my flat.
Shattered!! I still can't get the hang of taking tablets 3 times a day, especially as they don't seem to be having any effect. 2 1/2 weeks to go until my next appointment.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Aug 30, 2015 14:04:25 GMT
I'm having to take 3 days off my meds. I didn't think that it made much difference, but I'm back to sleeping really badly - 3-4 hrs to get to sleep, 4 hrs sleep, 2 hrs awake, 2 hrs sleep.
I'm doing it because I counted my tablets on Friday and realised that I had tablets enough for 14 days, but have my next appointment in 17 days.
The clinic only runs on Monday and it's bank holiday tomorrow. I'm also back at work a week on Monday and I'd like to see if it has any effect at work.
One other thing I've noticed is that I've been more emotional and anxious since stopping the meds.
I'd been very depressed for about 2 years previous to diagnosis and got used to crying most days, and getting overwhelmed and I think that's improved, although I haven't had an improvement in focus. It could just be relief in being diagnosed. . .
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Post by vagueandrandom on Sept 6, 2015 19:20:10 GMT
Ha Ha! I found another box of 30 IR mph - I hadn't run out, I was just looking in the wrong place!
I have to go back to work tomorrow, so I'll find out how it goes on meds - probably no different as I'm still not finding any benefit - but I'll take some IRs with me to top up possible crashes.
I had a long chat with someone who knows a bit about ADHD and who asked good questions. It prompted a few 'realisations'.
For years my mantra has been 'Not good Enough' for most aspects of my life, but particularly in relationships. I realised that it's the other person who turns out to be not good enough for me.
I'm limited in my choice of partners because they have to be of constant interest to me and I find most people boring and irritating after a while.
I've had one serious, long-term relationship and we're still in touch because we both find each other interesting still. So it is possible.
I also think that I've been subconciously avoiding getting close to anyone for years to avoid getting hurt.
I'm still mulling it over.
I wish I was more tired, I should go to bed because I have to be up at 2.30 am to go to work (it's no good for my health) so screen off now!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Sept 11, 2015 10:53:04 GMT
I've been back at work for 4 days, but I've been on early shifts and the latest I've had to get up was 4am and I've not been sleeping well.
I've been so tired I can hardly speak. I don't think that the meds are making much difference, but they've not been a disadvantage either.
I've got my follow-up appointment on Monday, so I'll probably update this again then.
Over and out!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Sept 12, 2015 20:30:41 GMT
I'm feeling very fragile today. . .on the verge of tears, lonely and needing a hug. I know it's just overtiredness, but it doesn't make me feel any different.
I've gone from 4 days starting work at 6am, to 2 days starting at 11.30pm and finishing at 6am and I've only had one night/day when I've had more than 4 hours sleep this week.
My concept of time has been lost. I feel lost. I can't concentrate and I've got to go out and work all night again (outside, on my feet, dodging drunks) before my 'day off' tomorrow.
It'll be fine. I just need to have a moan. I'm giving up my job in 3 weeks and starting my new adventure.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Sept 16, 2015 11:21:46 GMT
So I saw the new consultant on Monday and upped my concerta to 36mg. Took 1st yesterday and couldn't really say I noticed, but I'm still really tired with work.
Got suddenly really emotional and burst into tears when thinking of an old friend just now. Maybe I would have anyway.
Work is such a chore at the moment and I have to go again now. Bye!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Sept 20, 2015 18:06:41 GMT
I forget to mention that the new consultant that I saw seemed quite good and told me that the thinking around ADHD is now swinging towards thinking about it as
a spectrum like/linked to other neurological/cognitive/mental health issues and to treat the difficulties that arise as a whole rather than as seperate conditions.
This is at my local hospital as part of SLAM and I really would like to see him long term, but I'm moving out of London.
I like this attitude and hope that I can find a good specialist when I move.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Sept 22, 2015 17:07:59 GMT
I'm not feeling much on the 36mg mph, but I've had a few headaches, which I rarely get. Took an extra 5mg IR because I had a lot to do and got a headache almost straight away. I'm going to stick with it until I get another doctor, or get too many headaches, but may end up trying to manage with specialised therapy. You've got to give everything a try!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2015 1:10:35 GMT
Hello. Just been reading your comments and that and fucking hell my mind is frozen like, its feels so weird. Oh im loving what your talking about by the way and i haven't got a clue what im doing yet, probably commenting in the wrong place on discussions which happened eon's ago but fuck that it doesn't matter (if it does tell me pls). Defo relating to what ur talking about. Noticing everything, hearing all sounds that are going on around you, strong intuition etc. . Lol and not answering the phone fucking hell I didnt realise other people do that as well. I've never been able to work out why sometimes i will answer it and other times wont even check my phone to see who had actually called. Brain chemistry/chemical communication within the body is a very complex system i don't think the current knowledge or understanding that they have has barely scratched the service. Anyhows rable,rable i could talk shit for ever so i'll stop now. Im enjoying reading ur stuff anyway maybe we can have a chat sometime. Can tell you where im at on the adhd discovery spectrum. 8)
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Post by vagueandrandom on Sept 26, 2015 7:33:12 GMT
Hi j - I know!!!! you start reading stuff on here, and it's like reading about yourself. . . all the little personal peculiarities that you suddenly find you share - some things, like the phone thing, are barely mentioned in the diagnosis or in the books but can really hold you back at work, or in your personal life. It's not always the 'major' traits that affect your life the most. For all of the people who say that ADHD doesn't exist, it can't be coincidence that so many people from all different backgrounds, share the same quirks. I knew very little about ADHD until about a year ago, let alone think that I might have it. Read, educate yourself. Don't worry about posting in an old thread, we all do it, and sometimes it's good to remind us of an interesting thread that fell down or off the front page - we do tend to forget a thread that's no longer active, and get into the new, more exciting one! You might like to introduce yourself with a short piece in Introductions or on the General board and ask a few questions. Welcome
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Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2015 14:19:03 GMT
Hi vaugueandrandom
Thank for your reply. Dont know if ur a smoker or not but i suffer with getting to sleep and hate getting into bed when i know im not going to fall asleep straight away but when i have some i smoke a little bit of cannabis an hour before bed i have no problems and get solid sleep. No waking up every 2 hours etc just solid 8 hours sleep. I feel a sleepy when i get up but it doesnt last very long. For me just being switched off for 8 hours is a rest in itself. When i dont have any its back to the same as you describe when you get up you feel worse as if you have been wrestling all night and generally feel like shit. Your working patterns will mess up your sleep, lack of sleep will explain why you feel more emotionally fragile. Yeah that chemical melitonin is the one that regulates sleep, might be worth telling ur gp about work and sleep patterns, lack of sleep. Im great at giving advice but not at taking my own as i've only just recently seen a dr, first time in about 9 years and have a big list of things that need to be sorted. Lol i haven't had a diagnosis yet just wsiting to find out about assessment and how long i av to wait and if i need to get private one done. My situation is a little more complex apparently.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Sept 30, 2015 18:28:03 GMT
Too tired to think. . .3 more days at work. . .no more getting up at 3am to travel 2 hours on less than 5 hours sleep. .
Stupid solicitors - raising stupid questions which are holding up my move.
Stupid letter from ADHD consultant - see the "How Fucking Dare They!" Vent thread - I can't type it twice. .
There was a lot I wanted to write, but it will have to be another time as my brain's just died. .
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 9, 2015 23:49:07 GMT
Thanks contrarymary for the shout about the move . . . . OMG!!! Too much trauma!!!!!!!!!! Got my computer (life) nicked off the van as we were loading. I thought that the meds were making my moods more even, less extreme . . . .. NO!!!! I have been for the last 2 days: Crying, howling, shouting, kicking, breaking stuff, walking round and round whimpering, destructive, 'throwing a tantrum', making stuff that makes a noise MAKE A BIGGER FUCKING LOADS NOISIER ANNOYING NOISE!!! - kicking stuff, hating the world, using swear words like in 'the exorcist' at normal, well - adjusted people, being a total fucking nightmare!!!!!!!!! I know this is not how a grown - up should act. I can't behave differently. I am not a child. I know better. I can't control myself as it feels like A KNIFE THROUGH MY FUCKING HEART!!! I AM embarrassed, I feel ashamed. . . IT IS NOT MY FAULT! I know that it looks like I'm a spoilt brat, but I'm just over-reacting to a normal, quite upsetting situation. . . I have nothing more to say.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2015 4:37:33 GMT
That's a terribly violating thing to happen. You've don't have any reason to feel ashamed of your reaction to having so much personal data and precious memories stolen. I'm so sorry that has happened to you.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2015 6:49:28 GMT
Hey Vagueandrandom
Sorry to hear about your computer, hopefully you'll get a new one soon.
Sometimes with the meds( concerta ), we have off days, and our emotions over flow, Because sometimes the meds don't quite work, if that makes sense. Beause concert represses all that , and slows our head down. It's only natural that sometimes our brain goes screw you concerta, and releases.
I think you should accept what happened and move on. Don't beat yourself up. We are all aloud a few days to be off, moody, rude, mad, angry, peeved and the like.
It doesn't mean your bad.
See how you go but don't hyperfocus on it!!!
You are a good soul.
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Post by contrarymary on Oct 10, 2015 9:16:25 GMT
i'm so sorrry vagueandrandom . what a terrible time to lose your computer, just when everything else is changing it's hard enough being low on working memory, and then losing the thing you rely on for so much. with the letting go of emotions, empathy. i'm increasingly aware of the gap between my own emotional responses to things (mostly all or nothing) and "normal" responses. there must be a gazillion threads on here where we''ve come home /got off the phone/get to the end of the day/week/trip and are beating ourselves up for how we reacted to a situation/what we said to people/completely losing our cool. often this blows up in our heads and we beat ourselves up about it. There are times when my own meltdowns feel like a toddler having a temper tantrum. often seen as completely unreasonable, but the emotion is simply so huge, so overwhelming, it just comes out like a volcano erupting. what i've begun to learn from meditation is that: we are doing our best, we make mistakes, we are human. we need to be compassionate to ourselves, understand that we are suffering/struggling/anxious and are doing our best. we suffer more when we fight what Is, and are more at peace when we let go of what we had hoped reality would be and live with how things are in this moment. what has begun to work for me is being compassionate with myself, actually talking to myself(!) eg "hello CM, clearly you were angry/hurt/upset/disappointed and you expressed it very forcefully. it may not have been the best timing/wisest thing, but it's done, and you can't change what's past. don't beat yourself up, take a few deep breaths, get some perspective - in the wider scheme of things it's nothing more than a raindrop, and no-one else will be holding onto it quite as much as you are. give yourself a hug. work out what you can do from here. You can't live in the past so let it go and live in this moment." xx
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 10, 2015 11:22:55 GMT
Thank you for your support @pelargonium @alec77 and contrarymary I am feeling much better now, I just had to get it out of my head and my diary seemed like the best place. It's not so much the computer as the stuff that's on it. I think that I've backed up most of my music and photos to the cloud. I have a crappy chromebook and I'm staying at my parents' in the country until I can move to my new house. I'm lucky because I will be able to buy a new computer. I'm changing everything else in my life, so I can start fresh with that too. I wish I had a bit more control over my emotions, but don't want them squashed. I was on lithium for a few years and hated it because, although I didn't hit the bottom of the black hole of despair, I also lost the total joy and 'over-excitedness' at everyday things which is what makes 'me' and what I and other people love about me. My tantrum behaviour doesn't come out too often, and I recover quite quickly. I know that I shouldn't beat myself up about it, but I beat myself up about everything. It's something that I intend to work on. I'm looking into therapy with someone with experience of working with people with ADHD to work on my self-esteem. One sort of positive - my mum (who won't talk about anything 'mental health') said that I'll need to schedule social things when I move because I tend to get depressed when I spend a lot of time alone. This is a big deal. She's never accepted that I get depressed (rather than just having low moods). I'll stop rambling now. I'm so glad I found these boards
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2015 11:39:51 GMT
I too need the social thing again. And like you, I am starting over. great clarity in your thinking. One of the hardest things to do is not look back, to let go of the past. This is because when we get into our situations, it's hard to look forward. make a vow, one that can be broken, and amended, and is changeable. Mine is this... To accept the way I am and allow myself the opportunity to build relationships with others. But I acknowledge that this will take time. Friends are hard to come by. However we have the right to choose them wisely. How one goes about it is the tricky part. The good thing about friend seeking is that it's not got the pressure of a couple/relationship type situation. The hard part is finding something, in your locality, that you could take part in to test the waters. Meetups is a web service that caters for this. I haven't tried it yet. Volunteering could work for some. An evening class. Something like that. And finally a lot of people don't understand mental health. When I was a wee laddie it was common for people to talk about mental health in whispers. Sadly and wrongly it was seen as a scary thing, a taboo. Nowadays people are more open and do try to understand . But for our parents it was a no go area. Something to be hidden away. Totally wrong and just awful attitude to have to MH. And it may be to late for some folks to change their perception on MH. We must not punish ourselves on their lack of insight. They were conditioned into their mindset. I should stop rambling on your post too vagueandrandom!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2015 12:11:04 GMT
I've just tracked down your personal diary thread vagueandrandom to say that I think you are in exceptionally fine posting form this week, and I keep cutting and pasting things you say into my "thinking things through" file. Thank you.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 16, 2015 1:11:10 GMT
I'm feeling a bit shit today, to be honest. .
Teary. . .
Meant to do so much and did nothing, except the gym. . and cry. . for no real reason. . .
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 16, 2015 16:59:06 GMT
I seem to be hyperfocussing on the forum at the moment.
I'm on my own at my mum's house with nothing in particular to do, so I think and write stuff here.
I'm feeling a bit better today - went for a swim, lost count of the lengths, but it helps me think and I love the quiet when your head goes underwater.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2015 21:40:50 GMT
I hyperfocus on here too. No harm in it.
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Post by clubby on Oct 17, 2015 16:47:52 GMT
I'm trying not to hyperfocus on this site, which is why I haven't been around for a while. So sorry to hear about your computer vagueandrandom. Been thinking about you and your move as I am in the same miserable position of dealing with shit lawyers delaying our house sale. I also get down when my intentions are thwarted. I swing from being full steam ahead to being stuck in glue. I hope you get a chance to relax without guilt, because you trully deserve the rest after getting through your move.
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Post by contrarymary on Oct 17, 2015 18:51:49 GMT
clubby I hope your house move stuff gets sorted soon
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 18, 2015 10:46:01 GMT
I've been thinking about you too clubby - missed your posts.
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