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Post by contrarymary on Feb 11, 2016 14:47:43 GMT
hello new God it's going past the 500 posts milestone that does it (i wonder what will happen when i go past 2000?) many of your posts have been welcoming and supporting newcomers, and reaching out to others when they were struggling. that's something to be gently proud of
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 13, 2016 12:24:03 GMT
I'm still finding it hard to get moving on things that need to be done and don't get stuck-in to anything until quite late in the day. Yesterday I framed and hung some pictures. . .it's amazing how much more homely and lived-in pictures make a house! . . and I've got more to do and haven't even unpacked my nick-nacks and ornaments . . now I'm getting excited by the thought of metallic paints . . and colours . . and textures. . Then I realise that it's 8pm and I haven't eaten yet and don't have the time or energy to cook from scratch with all the lovely fresh veg I bought yesterday. . so go out and buy pizza (don't like to order for delivery because of the phone and then they'll probably ring the doorbell) I've been on a mission to be healthy this week and keep failing - had ice-cream after eating brown rice and broccoli. . . But I did manage 2 Pilates classes and a gym session and a trip to stock up on healthy food. Today I must make a list of things to ask the doctor on Monday.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 15, 2016 13:57:37 GMT
I've been quite down over the weekend. Suddenly burst into tears for no particular reason on Saturday afternoon and have been emotionally fragile ever since.
I decided to take an extra 36mg concerta at about 4.30pm on Saturday to avoid the crash followed by the racing brain, which in my mental state would have meant
digging myself deeper into despair. It did something because I became incapable of forming any kind of thought, which was horrible, but stopped me spiralling down.
I also wondered if it would help me sleep, it made me tired, but it made me more physically twitchy in the early hours and I had a terrible night.
I made the effort to go on a long drive to see an exhibition, but it was so cold and it was valentine's day and I felt so lonely and ended up so tired I could barely function.
Another bad and short night's sleep then a really frustrating Dr's appointment (see vent, if you want to know) and cried all the way home and now I can't do anything.
I have a very busy week (for me). Counselling and Pilates tomorrow, gigs on Weds and Fri and Sun and there's some craft markets at the weekend.
I'm just worried that being surrounded by people will make me feel worse.
I'm going to have a lie down and see if I can do anything later on.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 17, 2016 11:37:10 GMT
I really shouldn't listen to music at night with internet access. . .didn't try to sleep until 3.30am.
Why? I saw my counsellor again yesterday and I'd been so encouraged by the first session, I suppose it was always going to be a let-down.
He's still going on about this bloody inner child and wants 'her' to find a voice (WTF!) and keeps saying that I have a right to be heard.
Tbh, he had to keep saying that because I had one of those sessions when I can't speak and seem to have no thoughts in my head, so I just sit and squirm and
look round the room and try not to cry. . . and I feel stupid because I've wasted this opportunity to try to make some sense of my brain. I told him this and he
suggested that I write things down that I want to talk about for next time.
Anyone who's been on these boards over the past year will know how much I can write! He's going to get a book!
Anyway. . .I went to bed early (before midnight) last night, but thought I might listen to some music. . .had a bit of a dance sitting up with headphones on. . .
thought I'd check emails and got sucked into reading old messages from an ex-friend and they were so lovely that I broke my heart all over again with regret. . .
and why did I do that?. . google+ 'kindly' asked me if I knew this person. . .thanks google!
and another thing that I do when upset late at night listening to music is take pictures of myself, so I did a couple to put on instagram. . .
then I came here. . .and then it was 3.30am. . .
I'm worried because I'm going to a gig tonight 1 1/2 hours drive away. . . I looked at public transport, so I could have a drink and wouldn't have to drive when tired
but the last train or bus leaves at 9.30pm. Same on Friday night, but closer. . .looked at B&Bs, but it's Friday and 1/2 term, so impossible!
At least the Sunday gig is a 5 min walk away.
I haven't been to a gig on my own for a long time and don't know how I'll react.
Enough! must fill a notebook full of this stuff for my counsellor. . .
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 22, 2016 12:46:41 GMT
Update: I've only just started driving again after 13 years, so also first time since dx. I've always found it very tiring and now I know about ADHD I realise that it's because it's so hard to keep focus. . .particularly with windscreen wipers and back wiper on at the same time. . I get sucked into looking in the rear view mirror and have to keep forcing myself to look at the road ahead (not the other cars, or the countryside, or the speedo. . ) DON'T WORRY though. . I drive very carefully and not too fast and don't get stressed when other motorists are putting pressure on me to speed up. So this week was a week of driving and music! and a first for me. . eating in table service restaurants alone. . .twice. . . I'd normally manage on a coffee and sandwich, but left so much time for the driving and parking that there was too much time to kill between shops shutting and doors opening and the weather's been rotten and I'm not going to spend money on drinks because I'm driving. Both gigs were really good and I was near the front and dancing and singing. . .but didn't speak to anyone. . and felt a bit like I was inside a film. . . Last night there was a gig round the corner, so I went. . . recognised a few people, but didn't speak. . .had a few drinks. . . then a woman who recognised me dragged me up to dance. . and I love to dance, so danced until the music stopped and my hair and clothes were soaked with sweat and I realise how much I miss it. . .I must go there again, I felt so comfortable and it's only a 5 minute walk home
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Post by contrarymary on Feb 22, 2016 13:41:32 GMT
how cool is that - the venue you most enjoyed is the one that's 5 min walk from home result
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Post by clubby on Feb 22, 2016 15:21:48 GMT
Dear V&R's therapist
If you want wee V&R to be heard, I suggest you bring a whole lot of exciting toys into the therapy room. Wee V&R will be shouting from the rooftops with glee.
Then bring a whole bunch of adults into the room !!!!!!!
Now do you see the problem?
Regards clubby
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 22, 2016 17:36:19 GMT
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 24, 2016 1:37:41 GMT
Ok. . I have to do this now, even though I'm tired and have to be up early because my old sofa's being taken away by the MH charity in the morning. . .because if I
don't I won't sleep anyway because it'll run around my brain like a worry hamster. . don't feel you have to read it. .it'll be a long one.
Counselling session 3: He starts by asking if I've ever tried to express myself in art. . .I went to art school. . .so we chatted about how I mainly take photos now
and about how I used to make white installations because they calmed me and white is all colours and how I also find the dark comforting because it's the absence of
light (colour) reflection, which got me into how it was probably something to do with my as yet unknown and undiagnosed adhd, unconsciously knowing that I need
to simplify and reduce distraction in order to feel calm. Art and creativity is everything to me. . I can't imagine my life without it.
We then came to a bit of a full stop and I went blank and couldn't speak (again) and he asked how I felt about sitting in silence and I said fine, but it's not silent. .
the clock's ticking and the radiator's making noises and there's gulls outside and buses reversing and people walking upstairs and in the corridor and the lift goes ping. . .
and it's really distracting and I'm finding it hard to think. If it was silent, I'd be fine.
Back to the 'little girl' inner child thing. I told him that I found it weird and uncomfortable for him to refer to it as a 'little girl' because most of the time I feel and act
like a child and there is no 'hidden long time ago' child to find. . . and it's exhausting trying to behave like an adult. . . so he asks me in what way do I think that
I behave like a child and I say that I find it hard to control my emotions and that an extreme example would be that a middle aged woman doesn't normally have
a temper tantrum in public and that I do (not as often as in private, obvs) and I know it's ridiculous, but sometimes I can't keep it in.
This is when I start to get a bit angry. . he explains how a child learns from their parents how everything's not the end of the world and everything's OK and through
this they learn that they don't need to react so extremely. . . I can't believe (and frankly drifted off a bit while he was talking) he's pretty much accusing my parents
of neglect so I say I don't know what he's getting at and he explains again and I interrupt when he says 'end of the world' because I use the exact same phrase
to describe my feelings of devastation that I have NEARLY EVERY DAY for the slightest of things and I'm trying to talk about this and perceived criticism when
we're out of time and he's off on holiday. . . at least he forgot to make me fill in the stupid mood quiz this time.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 24, 2016 1:54:40 GMT
Today's diary part 2. . .this is the fun bit! I went to a meeting I wasn't sure about straight after counselling. . something to do with crowdfunding. . .but it was an opportunity to meet some creative people. . . WOW!! AMAZING!!! The presentations were really inspiring and we then went off in groups to come up with some ideas for arts in the community. The 'art' group was too big and loud, so I went off on my own and came up with a brilliant idea about site-specific soundscapes and sound through vibration and the 'experts' came round and we chatted and they liked it and the chatting zinged another cluster of ideas which bounced some more off the walls. . . This is when I absolutely LOVE my ADHD and we had to pin the ideas sheets to the wall and I got loads of good feedback and a woman that I've seen before who does carnivals and street festivals spoke to me and gave me her card and then they said that each idea will be posted onto the crowdfunding website SO I'm probably going to have to do it now! Buzzing like a buzzy bee Mood swings? Me?
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Post by contrarymary on Feb 24, 2016 11:04:03 GMT
Go you, v&r
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Post by clubby on Feb 24, 2016 11:51:16 GMT
vagueandrandom I would love to get my teeth into your counsellor. What a numbnuts. You told him you were very creative and then he asks why you think you behave like a child. Duh!!! Trouble is that employers and adults don't like creativity after the age of 16. Adult creativity is about painting nice pictures and making a dress. Its certainly not about using the supermarket trolley as a vehicle to get down the aisle quicker.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 24, 2016 13:36:47 GMT
Here's a PS to the buzzy buzz post. . . only got 3 hours sleep and back on full steam ahead (with a few diversions). . .my head's so full and it's dragging my body along for the ride. . I called. . yes, me, called, on the phone. .my business partner after the meeting last night, but he was out at dinner so asked him to call me this morning. .. and he did and it's great. . since my dx and explaining to him why I do things like I do, he understands that when I'm off on a creative ideas splurge. . he just lets me run with it and listens without interrupting and waits for me to wind down a bit before coming in with other things and we bounced even more ideas and I've had to write down pages of ideas so I won't forget. . Phew.! . and my point is. .that he used to get really annoyed with me on the phone and thought that I wasn't listening, and thought that I was being patronising when I repeated things back to make sure that I'd got the right end of the stick and, if there's nothing else that I've gained from dx, it's improved the way that we work.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 26, 2016 13:12:33 GMT
Musing of the day. . I've had earache for a few weeks and saw the pharmacist who sold me ear drops and was still concerned when I saw the GP and he looked in them
and said they're fine. But I'm still getting a low buzzing and I'm not sure if it's my ears, or a subsonic noise outside because I've had that before, I'm very sound
sensitive and I've been thinking about sound a lot over the past few days because of this project.
It doesn't stop this sub noise being really annoying and distracting though.
EDIT: I've just had a walk around and have decided that it's not my ears, it's outside. . WHAT it is, I've no idea.
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Post by Kathymel on Feb 26, 2016 14:14:06 GMT
Back to the 'little girl' inner child thing. I told him that I found it weird and uncomfortable for him to refer to it as a 'little girl' because most of the time I feel and act like a child and there is no 'hidden long time ago' child to find. . . and it's exhausting trying to behave like an adult. . . so he asks me in what way do I think that I behave like a child and I say that I find it hard to control my emotions and that an extreme example would be that a middle aged woman doesn't normally have a temper tantrum in public and that I do (not as often as in private, obvs) and I know it's ridiculous, but sometimes I can't keep it in. This is when I start to get a bit angry. . he explains how a child learns from their parents how everything's not the end of the world and everything's OK and through this they learn that they don't need to react so extremely. . . I can't believe (and frankly drifted off a bit while he was talking) he's pretty much accusing my parents of neglect so I say I don't know what he's getting at and he explains again and I interrupt when he says 'end of the world' because I use the exact same phrase to describe my feelings of devastation that I have NEARLY EVERY DAY for the slightest of things and I'm trying to talk about this and perceived criticism GRRRRR! At this point I think I would have to point out to him that people with ADHD are emotionally labile and suffer moods swings almost to the extreme of people with bipolar, but with swings occurring several times a day, rather than several times a year. I would also have to inform him that the fashion for blaming parents for everything is lazy thinking and becoming a bit passe these days. As to his point about learning from parents - if the parent also has ADHD, you're going to grow up with extremes of emotion. I know this is a counsellor, rather than a psych, but they should educate themselves about the specifics of ADHD and treat accordingly. The main specific being that, as these emotional extremes are the result of an executive function disorder, they can't be 'counselled away', the only treatment is to learn coping strategies. I'm really quite annoyed by this.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 26, 2016 15:22:14 GMT
I know Kathymel I'd asked for a counsellor who knew about ADHD and we talked about it in the first session and I thought that he some understanding. I don't expect him to be an expert, but I've had loads of different therapies in my life and none of them have made any difference, because a lot of my depressive symptoms and MH issues, I now know are ADHD traits, or caused by/exacerbated by being undiagnosed for so long. This is why I've been really adamant this time, to ask for someone who will take it into account. I was trying to explain to him what it is like for me with ADHD and how being aware that my reactions are OTT and ridiculous, doesn't mean that I can always control them and I'll still feel deeply wounded by a minor (and possibly imagined) criticism. It was the end of the session when I was starting to argue with him about the parenting thing. He also seems to think that my dissociation is a result of not being listened to as a child and he keeps saying that I deserve to be heard and that he's listening. It's all bollocks and it makes me cringe. . . it's one reason I asked for a man. . . women can be incredibly cringeworthy with their fake concern faces. . . Anyway, he's on holiday for a couple of weeks and I've just had a much better offer for the day of my next session, so I'll cancel it and have some fun instead I might include some links to useful pages when I email to cancel. I'm desperate to have some kind of help atm because I'm struggling a bit with the relocation and literally have no-one IRL to talk to, or go for a coffee with and god knows how long it's going to take to climb up the list to see an ADHD psych to continue my treatment. . .I'm still not fully titrated and am not sure if I'm even on the right meds. . . been on the same since September. Well this has turned into a bit of a rant! Must get out of the house!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 9, 2016 10:50:42 GMT
Hello Diary, I'm back! Time to update on the ongoing saga with my new GP Practice. . . I thought I'd posted about my appointment with a second Dr, but was probably a rant/vent (!?) anyway, he made me feel like a troublemaking mental hypochondriac and a couple of days later I had a call from the practice asking me to make an appointment for a MH Review. I asked for another different Dr. That appointment was this morning and I was dreading it. . .he started off by asking if I was being seen by the MH Team (no) and did I have any repeat prescriptions for antidepressants and I told him that I'd been refusing to take them over the past few years. . .and all the usual questions about my mood. . . and they still haven't got my notes. . .SO. . because he seemed quite nice. . I decided to tell him that the main thing that was bothering me was that I was only diagnosed with ADHD last year and was only a little way into treatment when I moved and I'm getting no help and support for it and I'm not fully titrated and did he know how long the waiting list normally is? He didn't look at me like I was deluded, said he'd try to chase up my referral and find out what the waiting time might be. He looked at my consultant's letter and said 'you're on quite a low dose of concerta' and I explained how I didn't think I was on the right dose yet, which is why I'm so frustrated that I'm not seeing a specialist to sort it out. He just wrote me a prescription for 54mg and said I should try that and let him know if I'm getting any bad side effects!!! WTF!!! How easy was that? and I didn't know that GPs were allowed to change dosages. . I don't really care. So yesterday I was all ready to change GPs or make a complaint and today I find an understanding GP
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Post by manson88 on Mar 9, 2016 14:53:14 GMT
Hello Diary, I'm back! Time to update on the ongoing saga with my new GP Practice. . . I thought I'd posted about my appointment with a second Dr, but was probably a rant/vent (!?) anyway, he made me feel like a troublemaking mental hypochondriac and a couple of days later I had a call from the practice asking me to make an appointment for a MH Review. I asked for another different Dr. That appointment was this morning and I was dreading it. . .he started off by asking if I was being seen by the MH Team (no) and did I have any repeat prescriptions for antidepressants and I told him that I'd been refusing to take them over the past few years. . .and all the usual questions about my mood. . . and they still haven't got my notes. . .SO. . because he seemed quite nice. . I decided to tell him that the main thing that was bothering me was that I was only diagnosed with ADHD last year and was only a little way into treatment when I moved and I'm getting no help and support for it and I'm not fully titrated and did he know how long the waiting list normally is? He didn't look at me like I was deluded, said he'd try to chase up my referral and find out what the waiting time might be. He looked at my consultant's letter and said 'you're on quite a low dose of concerta' and I explained how I didn't think I was on the right dose yet, which is why I'm so frustrated that I'm not seeing a specialist to sort it out. He just wrote me a prescription for 54mg and said I should try that and let him know if I'm getting any bad side effects!!! WTF!!! How easy was that? and I didn't know that GPs were allowed to change dosages. . I don't really care. So yesterday I was all ready to change GPs or make a complaint and today I find an understanding GP Class result.. Love your patience.. You have had to ruff ride changing Dr seems like the this Dr has over rode the system.. Result though all the same!! Whoop Whoop!!
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Post by contrarymary on Mar 9, 2016 23:32:31 GMT
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Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 12, 2016 17:34:31 GMT
My counsellor's back off holiday (and scarily tanned) and I told him that I didn't like
the way that it was going and didn't believe that he understood the emotional impact
that ADHD has. I said that I was upset by the thought that emotional control was something
that I had failed to learn and that I'm quite aware of the way that I should behave,
but have no control.
He explained to me (in a very long-winded way) that he believed that some of it is down
to the way my brain is wired, but 'there is always an element of parental neglect' in ADHD.
I told him that I didn't believe that statement was true and that it is a dated and unproven theory.
We carried on and at the end I gave him a printout of Thompson and Dodson's views on the
emotional impacts of ADHD.
We'll see what happens next. .
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Post by contrarymary on Mar 12, 2016 19:47:07 GMT
well done vagueandrandom increasing understanding, changing minds, one at a time (even when it's their job to help with yours)
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Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 21, 2016 0:04:23 GMT
Hello all!
I've been on holiday with my mum (sad at my age, I know) Only a few fallings out. .
So tiring trying to keep everything in. . trying to behave. .
I'm so wound up, it's like I'm holding my breath, even when I'm not. . .
I can feel an explosion coming and don't know what form it will take. .
I want to get out of my head!
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Post by contrarymary on Mar 21, 2016 14:00:19 GMT
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Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 22, 2016 23:29:31 GMT
Still waiting for the explosion. .
But, unrelated to ADHD, I had some blood tests done before I went away and my GP surgery kept calling and
leaving messages for me to call back (didn't answer, won't call) so I dropped by today to put a repeat prescription
in and asked why they'd been calling me and they said that my vitamin B12 levels were very low and they'd got
a prescription for me.
Now, I don't really know much about B12, so googled it and it's really quite serious. . I've been tired, but I don't sleep,
and I've had a few of the other symptoms . . Now I'm confused about the tablets because I'm supposed to take 4
a day, but it doesn't say if I should take them all at once, or 1 at regular intervals. . must ask the pharmacist.
My mum's still here and threatening to come back at the weekend. . I wish she'd go away and leave me in peace
she's driving me up the wall. . she keeps telling me to shut up all the time and keeps shutting the doors and moving stuff. .
End of rant.
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Post by smogz101 on Mar 23, 2016 9:59:21 GMT
My mams on them, and they help her loads! She used to get the injections, which were more effective but they switched her to the tablets
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Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 23, 2016 10:54:52 GMT
OK EXPLOSION!!
My mum and now my stepdad are now both here, supposedly to help me with the house.
All they seem to be doing is moving stuff so I can't find it and shutting doors and windows. .
I asked my mum loads of times yesterday if she'd help me make my bed because I find
it really difficult as I dislocated my shoulder quite badly doing it once. . .
this morning she sat reading a book. . . I tried to do it on my own and my new duvet's really slippy
and I couldn't do it and it got in a tangle so I screamed and swore and opened the windows
which she doesn't like because she'll be cold. . stepdad asked what was wrong and I told him
then my mum came in when I'd given up and the only 'help' she offered was to shake it
which is the one thing I know I can't do.
She had a go at me saying that she won't help me if I'm being ridiculous and screaming
and I told her I wasn't doing it for her benefit and had to go out. .
Hmmmm. .
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Post by clubby on Mar 23, 2016 18:52:15 GMT
Hi vagueandrandom. I think you and I live in parallel universes. I have just spent the last 4 days with my mum. She came to the new house for the first time and to help sort stuff out. Mega Stress!! My mum is obsessed with stacking cupboards efficiently. I struggle to get her to understand that if something is in a cupboard it doesn't exist. We always have a monster argument. Much sympathy.
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Post by contrarymary on Mar 23, 2016 20:30:19 GMT
i can't spend anything like that much time with my mother i would scream all the time, and want to kill her. and then feel v bad indeed for screaming. and go into a self-loathing what's-the-point-of-me? depression it probably helps not a jot right now, but huge kudos to you vagueandrandom and clubby for being able to spend time with your mothers - hats off to you hope things get better v v v soon xxxxx
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Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 23, 2016 22:20:54 GMT
Thanks clubby and contrarymary . . glad it's not just me! They've finally gone (for at least 2 weeks) . . I've spent the last 12 hours pretending that I don't exist and wishing that they'd leave me alone. .
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Post by manson88 on Mar 23, 2016 23:31:33 GMT
Time to share.. I moved home after 17 year's to mums house.
It has not been easy. She has OCD, I'd love to be organised like it and have the confidence to go with it would be great..
We have fallen out over simple things like a pile of letters not sorted out or put away..tidey wardrobes, shelves, garage, car, to much time on phone or laptop... Things have actually got easier.
Though in saying that, Im free to come and go all I want. She seldom asks were I was, who was with or what time that was to come in at etc..
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