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Post by clubby on Aug 10, 2015 18:54:05 GMT
I have enjoyed reading everyone's dairies so much that I thought I might join in and hopefully help others in the way others have helped me.
Today I am thinking about sequencing. Simply I cannot maintain a sequence of repetitive actions. I get so far and the brain just seizes. A lot of modern jobs involve
interacting with machinery that goes "tic-toc-toe" all day. Beats me how people keep it up.
I am better with work that is totally random.
Trouble is that entry level jobs are all "tic-toc-toe". You have to prove you are a good sequencer before you get to be random. Catch 22.
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Post by clubby on Aug 10, 2015 21:11:09 GMT
Excellent. That's the sort of job I like too.
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Post by clubby on Aug 11, 2015 10:48:56 GMT
Blaze has been talking about over compensation which masks adhd symptoms. I have this problem when I go to the gp and I
come away never really feeling I have represented myself properly.
Similarly I tend to post when I am in a happy mood, so I might give the wrong impression at times of my struggles. When I
am miserable I write poetry to unload. It is rubbish poetry but it helps me release tension.
Here is one I wrote before I knew anything about adhd and in a dark mood.
This is my life, my only chance Hope is fading, I don't fit the mould Nobody needs me; well perhaps for an hour To brighten their day with my funny ways Then to dismiss "We're tired now, Go back to your hole"
And so I escape, my head in a race Passion is high, vision is deep Alive in my sleep, I never stop I see too much, I think too much I say too much Or nothing at all.
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Post by clubby on Aug 11, 2015 21:58:04 GMT
My brain is stuck on the concept of time and I can't throw it off the scent. Albert Einstein claimed that Time is an
illusion. I don't know anything about quantum physics but I have this monumental feeling that there is a link between adhd
and the illusion of time.
Planning is all about time - can't do it Attention is all about giving someone your time - can't do it Impulsiveness is all about bad timing - good at that Hyperactivity is all about quick time - good at that too Sequencing is all about keeping time - rubbish at that Foggy brain - time stands still Hyperfocus -time disappears
Wish I could stop thinking about time and just get on with it.
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Post by clubby on Aug 12, 2015 8:07:28 GMT
Last week I created what must be Planning Aid no 800. The first one I can remember was when I was a teenager. A handbag in a
catalogue was being sold as an organiser - so irresistible. The fun lasted a day until I discovered that you need to be
an organised person to manage an organisation aid.
Planning Aid 800 lasted until the weekend when I forgot it's existence!
So on to Planning Aid 801.
This time it's only going to be used for relationships/events with deadlines. Back to the Time thing.
Oh help - here we go again.
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Post by clubby on Aug 13, 2015 7:28:51 GMT
Plan 801 is in full swing and is already showing chunks in its armour. It is all to do with memory triggers. In order to
trigger a memory on cue I need to see, hear or feel something. Then the floodgates open. Organised thoughts pour out.
I seem to have very poor Time Based Prospective Memory and I can trace all of my impulsive, inattentive and hyperactive
symptoms to that.
So how do I use my good Event Based Prospective Memory to compensate? Plan 801 is going to have to evolve quickly.
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Post by clubby on Aug 13, 2015 18:30:49 GMT
Came across a post today in which someone mentioned their snowflake mind. Reminded me of a poem I wrote last year.
There's a blizzard in my mind Yet through it I see people, Knowing what to do. Knowledge disappears, everything disappears Except what I feel
A dark shadow lingers A presence felt, but void of form It sucks on my joy as the snow storm falls Cascading out of control to my conscious mind
The people go and the black shadow with them I feel release and the blizzard calms The snowflakes fall big, bright and slow I look at them and they sing to me Of all the beauty life can behold
And then I go deep as I stare at their form Patterns, connections, strange truths are told Time disappears and I float on a dream In a perfect space An eternity can pass in the blink of an eye
Then "they" return with a rush and a bang Their shadow scolds with "forgotten to dos" Where have you been, asked with disdain And answered with shame, all I can claim Is - I have been home.
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Post by clubby on Aug 13, 2015 20:05:31 GMT
I have just finished reading computermandan's mega thread and I am horrified. How can our society be so callous. There has to be a better way. ?
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Post by clubby on Aug 19, 2015 13:07:44 GMT
This is such a supportive forum. The kindness is inspirational. Those who have difficulties, just seek to be understood. It
seems that the NHS have not grown up yet when it comes to mental issues. We are at the cusp of a revolution but until
mental barriers are pulled down, some of us are doomed to a life of frustration. I feel sad when I read some of the posts
about diagnosis and ill judgement. It is so unfair.
When you shout at a wall You know you're in prison Nobody listens, nobody cares The wall absorbs all your frustration A brick built nation, without a care
Batter your head on the cold and concrete Fixed, to torture a fertile mind Keep on knocking, the particles crumbling Exposing more wall As you scream from behind.
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Post by clubby on Aug 21, 2015 21:42:09 GMT
Been feeling overwhelmed for the last 2 days. No matter what I do I seem to go backwards. Every question answered yields 5
more questions. Very tired. Want to crawl into a hole and hide. Need to keep moving. Do something that will yield
success, even if it is putting away the dishes. Is this dopamine deficiency? Feels like it. Yawn!
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Post by contrarymary on Aug 21, 2015 23:21:54 GMT
empathy clubbywhat has helped me not fall into the pits over the last couple of days has been having a mixture of goals - mostly non-admin/writing stuff - and telling myself that I just need to do the first step for each. there's something about reframing what I mean by "success" or "progress" which has been hugely helpful. plus not trying to make myself start with the most important/urgent but just simply Start something, whatever feels start-able. it sems to be a nifty way round the mental block. taking one step across diffferent goals/tasks adds the variety which my brain needs. and letting myself stop after one step means that i have a sense of progress, it isn't all simply Stuck. I find myself wanting to keep going at stuff... which is why i'm finishing so late and then getting going late the next day. (not a good look for me... i just end up running later and later) i also find myself having a sense of balance, because i can see progress in different areas of my life - setting up new phone, project work, laundry washed & hung, necessary phone call made. hope there's something helpful in there for you.. good luck, and be kind to yourself. baby steps are a lot more productive than banging head against wall
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Post by clubby on Aug 24, 2015 19:56:22 GMT
Been thinking about goals today.
If someone asked me to list my primary goals, I could write a whole toilet roll in half an hour. The trouble is that
no matter how many I manage to scratch off, double the number fill in the gap. I am overwhelmed with goals.
Goals I am hiding from.
Goals that get further away the harder I try
Goals I understand but can't plan out
Goals that are achieved but create more goals
Goals that are so boring that I daren't start because they just keep coming around again.
So this morning I decided to pick a goal, plan the small steps and rehearse the moves, before pushing the go button. Ha ha!
I find this as difficult as mental arithmetic which I find impossible.
So without an ounce of planning ability between my ears here is my goal strategy.
1. Think of a goal 2. Think of the first step 3. Get moving and wing it 4. Reward yourself for each small step 5. Find novelty in the journey. 6. Forget the goal, it is a red herring.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Aug 24, 2015 23:07:16 GMT
Well, at least you're thinking about it clubby! I made a new master list today and included a section for 'worries' as something needs to be done about them, but I don't know how to start
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Post by clubby on Aug 25, 2015 10:52:19 GMT
vagueandrandom I have two types of "worries". 1. Worries that are a normal part of life and which I should work away at and stop procrastinating, waiting for the stars to line up. 2. Worries which have become phobic and which I seal in box in my head. These are generally caused by officials who have very strict, yet unworkable rules. My brain cannot accept their offensive boundaries and so my procrastination goes into lock down mode. The first takes discipline which I am not very good at, but am trying. On the second I am lost - it feels like a battle with the blindly judgemental, that I cannot win nor submit to. Oh to be a content slave! ☺
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Post by clubby on Sept 7, 2015 18:17:22 GMT
I've been away on a little journey the Internet after watching Russell Barkley on YouTube. So much of what he said made sense but my instinct tells me there is something fundamentally wrong with his perspective. Maybe it is because he doesn't have adhd. I sent him an email. I feel guilty - should our perspective be heard?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2015 23:11:47 GMT
That's fab that you emailed him and why should you feel guilty?
I think he had a non-identical twin brother with ADHD though, so I guess he has a personal interest, if not personal experience of ADHD.
I tend to agree with Barkley's perspective, eg on the fact that ADHD is a disorder not a gift, but I think he is way too emphatic in the way he puts his ideas across, maybe because of his very personal experience with his brother. I don't personally believe that ADHD is a gift and I agree in principle with Barkley's concern that, in the current climate it is going to be hard for parents to be taken seriously if they request accommodations for their children on the grounds that they are "gifted".
At the same time, what do I know, and why shouldn't other people define their condition, and especially their child's condition, in a way that makes sense to them?
I think Barkley could usefully be more careful and clear about the intended purpose and audience for his lectures though. In face-to-face settings, I think people naturally moderate their tone, depending on the audience. On Youtube his passionate academic lectures are now being consumed by parents of ADHD kids all around the world and he comes across very harshly at times, IMO.
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Post by clubby on Sept 9, 2015 7:38:10 GMT
I did find Dr russells lectures a breathe of fresh air but I agree with @pelargonium that his attitude is a little confusing. He has a twin brother with adhd so perhaps his presentations are aiming at a mid perspective but somewhere along the line something goes wrong. I think it is because there is so much he is still guessing at and those parts feel wrong to me.
He talks about distraction, impulsively and hyperactivity as if we have an inability to counter these. My experience tells me that this is wrong. We can counter these symptoms, it's just that our whole emotional system tells us not to. It is a basic survival instinct thing.
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Post by clubby on Sept 9, 2015 22:22:05 GMT
Plan 802 - I have a new toy. It is called DSRP and is a theoretical teaching tool for educators. It was designed by someone with adhd, Derek Cabrera. I have high hopes but not sure yet how it's gonna work.
D stands for Distinctions which is about defining, "what is", versus ,"what isn't". I have been using the thought of the letter D to prompt me to wake up when I disappear into my head. So far it is working but how long will it last.
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Post by clubby on Sept 11, 2015 21:23:21 GMT
Plan 802 has lasted 2 days and that is a first for me.
I am a bit more aware now of when I have gone into my head. When I go too deep it is hard to get back out. It must be addictive. I am trying to waken myself up before I disappear and lose consciousness of my environment.
The way I go into my head feels a bit like the film Inception . I go deeper and deeper down in layears until the real world disappears. I frequently get hypothermic or forget to eat.
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Post by clubby on Sept 30, 2015 17:39:37 GMT
I've been trying a new diet which basically consists of meat and veg. Carbs have been cut to an absolute minimum.
It's been about 3 weeks now and I do feel a difference. The adhd is still there but I am finding it easier to manage the
coping mechanisms. Going to keep going in case it is a total fluke.
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Post by contrarymary on Sept 30, 2015 20:40:06 GMT
hello clubby i cut right down on carbs - c9 months ago - and i can feel a difference too. more focus, less spaced out. i'm not on meds, but using diet, daily meditation, yoga, exercise, supplements & lifestyle strategies ATM. not that i'm against meds, just had a lot of meds for different things in the past, and waiting to get to the bottom of all possible labels before taking the leap. and in the meanwhile, i'm trying to add one new non-med thing at a time. most recently being diet. after cutting back on carbs i then tried cutting gluten, reported to help with tics, so i'm pretty low on carbs altogether now. whenever i eat more than a wee bit of bread/cake/biscuits/pasta/potatoes i feel stodgy and slow, and if i have it anytime except the end of the evening i'm really sleepy and full.
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Post by clubby on Oct 1, 2015 19:40:46 GMT
Hi contrarymary. That is so interesting. I was beginning to think I was imagining the difference. I try to keep off meds. I just quit my HRT for menapause difficulties and was recently struggling with nightly hot flushes. The no carb diet stopped the problem instantly. I'm still experimenting with adding in a few carbs now and then for the sake of good motions. ie Fancy a Digestive? ?
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Post by contrarymary on Oct 1, 2015 21:44:16 GMT
i've just pigged out on 4 chocolate-coated rice cakes. no gluten but so much sugar and plenty of puffed rice +carb-tastic! i feel v sick and v full, like the michelin man or the hunny monster i'm doing that thing where i'm working on a huge project which comes to fruition in a couple of weeks, lots of stress, lots of work to do, continuous deadlines over the next fortnight. keeping going by not eating, staying cooler - better brain function but sore muscles - and then suddenly find myself low-sugar brain fatigue, and freezing cold. eat things that don't help. don't get enough sleep. slow to start int he morning, end up working late etc but i'm also still recovering from food poisoning last week , pretty off my food and can't cope with complex veg or fatty food. all a bit of a struggle. hence majoring in rice cakes. not happy. sorry that's a bit OT. or even OTT
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Post by clubby on Oct 2, 2015 11:21:22 GMT
Love it contrarymary. I know that food, work, sleep cycle so well. The getting cold bit is worse than anything because it causes the brain to cease. All the best for your project. Big warm hug ?
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Post by clubby on Oct 19, 2015 7:42:44 GMT
My brain has jumped back into philosophical mode which is not a good thing because I am supposed to be focusing on moving house. Nonetheless I am compelled to dump my thoughts here and hopefully my subconscious will be satisfied that it's had its say.
I don't think adhd has anything to do with distraction or attention deficit. I think it's more about getting stuck in a particular fascination, comfort or level of energy.
I am in danger right now of getting stuck in this philosophical notion and doing it to death. I am going to return my focus to the move and hopefully I will get stuck in that. As long as I remember to eat!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2015 18:37:17 GMT
Ah Clubby please don't turn into Socrate's Plato!
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Post by clubby on Oct 20, 2015 18:45:13 GMT
Gone to contrarymary's corner.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 20, 2015 22:47:20 GMT
Hey clubby it doesn't matter where you go. . . . selling property and starting a new life is such a bugger and I want it to happen - LAST WEEK!! or even last month. . .
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Post by clubby on Oct 21, 2015 12:53:32 GMT
I don't cope at all well with limboland. I feel like a caged animal. My brain won't stop trying to find a way out.
The inner pain is intense. I need to focus on the utterly mundane, like washing the dishes. Except my adhd brain is telling
me not to. Why?
Does my subconscious know that I must rest just now.
Who cares if the dishes are dirty.
Save the energy for round 2 of this house sale. Things are going to get even worse!
Does adhd make you more in touch with the subconscious? I think so.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 21, 2015 16:55:21 GMT
You're so right clubby a caged animal, that's how I feel. It un-nerves me, I can't relax and I can't start a project, or plan to do something.
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