HOW DO YOU KNOW YOUV’E CHANGED ?
As an adult you think that you have escaped your past, but in real life you haven't, because at some point it all comes full circle and represents itself. When this happens, how do we deal with it ? In fact, do we deal with it? The same way as in the past ? If we do, then we would be that same person from our past. So how do we know that we are not the same person from our past and that we have learnt from our mistakes? Well for me, it all started
about 7yrs ago, when my eldest son was having problems at school. His teacher was concerned about him and mentioned that maybe he had A.D.H.D., and asked if we minded him being referred to a doctor for assessment ? We knew nothing about ADHD. After many months, my son was diagnosed with ADHD. Having listened to the doctor outlining my son’s behaviour, it reminded me of myself, growing up. So I thought about it for a while. At my son’s next appointment, I asked the doctor about a possible referral for myself, but he did not deal with adults, and was not aware of anyone in the area who did. However, he made some enquiries and some time later he agreed to write a letter of referral to a doctor in London. Many months later, I received a letter from the doctor in London, with forms and questionnaires for me to complete. I sat for days trying to understand some of the questions, but what made me laugh was one of the questionnaires for completion by my mother ! That would have need a clairvoyant, as she had died several years previously. After 18 months, as I had received no reply, I approached my son’s doctor again, who contacted the doctor in London. Suddenly, out of the blue came a letter of appointment from the London Hospital.
After my son’s diagnosis, I spent much time researching the Internet for information on ADHD, which proved to be a minefield, with many different sites, all with different information, but I was well prepared. Eventually, after almost 2 years, at 32 years of age,
I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2000, with a comorbid personality disorder. I was prescribed Ritalin, which was attracting a lot of negative publicity in the press, at that time
I started off on 10 mgs, 3 times a day, with little effect at first, but after about a week, everyone noticed a little difference in my behaviour, but it soon wore off. At the time, I attended a local Parents Support group, which proved helpful, with tactics to manage children with ADHD. I found it strange, when parents asked me what it was like to suffer from ADHD as an adult. I explained that it was like having a food blender for a brain turned up to number 9, with lots of different thoughts constantly whizzing around my head. However, as my medication dose increased, I was changing, becoming calmer and more thoughtful. (TO MY WONDERFUL AND LONG SUFFERING WIFE !!!! - You can leave this bit out Gary, as it is how Laurain is described by our ‘friends’ – sod them!).
It was at this point that I was able to recognise that the food blender was slowing down, not stopping, but definitely slowing down, which was making things that little bit easier to do and say. Then, through the parent support group, I was given the chance to attend a conference in Manchester organised by ADDISS. It was the weirdest thing I had ever
experienced, meeting lots of different people and listening to some excellent speakers. I also met a woman called Margaret, a pleasant and down to earth professional Scottish lady, who after I had outlined some of my life experiences, suggested that I should train as an
A.D.H.D. coach - I laughed ! (SO WOULD I !)
At the end of the conference, I bought some books on ADHD, God knows why, as I had never read any books and haven’t to this day, so I put them into the support group library
Over time, things started to go wrong, the food blender was gradually speeding up again, but luckily I was due at the London Hospital, which is a scary place with everybody rushing about, even faster than me.
The doctors asked me how I was progressing and I told them that what really
‘pissed’ me off was that I had been to London four times and every time I saw a different doctor, which meant that I had to repeat the information each time. Once again they increased my medication dose of Ritalin, with my life being up and down in the usual way, but I was much calmer.
Then, in September 2003, I attended another conference in Southport, organised by ADDISS again. However, this conference was different, as it was mainly for parents, with only a few professionals there, including Gerry Mills, a speaker who also wrote songs. He gave an amazing talk for about an hour and a half. As a person with A.D.H.D. you could relate to almost every single word he was saying. At the end, he said to us all, with tears in eyes and a lump in his throat, that everything he had just told us about a boy with A.D.H.D. was him, and he was still here to tell you all about it. Every body at this point stood up and applauded; he then sang a song, which he had written called ‘Don't Doubt The Dream’.
The song blew me away and touched something inside, so I bought his CD and asked him to sign it for me. It was then for the first time I clearly knew what I wanted to do.
Margaret, the Scottish woman, whom I had met at Manchester, came over to me and we started talking. She suddenly took me by the hand and introduced me to a woman, who ran training courses for ADHD coaches. She was impressed with how much I had turned my life around since the last time and said I was an inspiration. It was at this point that I decided I wanted to take the training course. So off I went back home and told everybody what I wanted to do with my life. I went to work on that Monday morning and told him that I had made a mistake, and I now knew what I wanted to do, as regards a job. He then asked me what this meant, so I told him with passion that I wanted to quit. He was ‘gob smacked’, as I had only had the job for little over a week. He just stood there in amazement, as I walked away. As I hadn't even got the funding to pay for the coaching course, some people were not very happy with what I had done. But I didn't care, because I was inspired and nothing was going to stop me.
After what felt like a lifetime, I received a call from Shelia of The Parents Support Group who told me that her application for funding for my ADHD training course had been approved. It was the best Christmas present ever !
In January 2004 I went back to the London Hospital, when they increased my medication to
30 mg three times a day. Another doctor asked me if I would take part in a research study into adult ADHD and explained that it would involve a series of brain scans, one set of which was completely undedicated. I agreed, but needed to stop taking my medication. For the first two days, I didn’t notice anything, then on the third day, I felt completely different. It was also at this point I was able to put into place everything that I had been learning for myself and for my children. It was time to practice what I had preached, and it worked. It was one of the hardest months for me, because I knew it would be easier for the old Gary to come back. But I didn't want that Gary back, as I wanted to stay as the new Gary. So off I went to London to play being a lab rat. It was quiet strange, answering what seemed stupid questions and playing silly games on the computer all day. Finally, I was placed into the MRI scanner, where I had to lie down and keep still for what seemed like hours, being unable to move, whilst the scanner made lots of strange noises. When they were finished, they were very happy and lots of ‘quacks’ lined up and shook my hand for talking part. *”*” me, I had never shaken so many hands in my life.
I was then able to retake my medication, but it didn’t start right away, in fact until the third day. I was ecstatic, because for the first time I was really able to feel and recognise the benefits of the medication and the fact that all the new strategies and tactics I had learnt
had also worked, despite a few scary moments while I was off my medication, but everyone around me knew what was happening and helped, but most of it came from within myself. The most important lesson I had learned was that it was ok to mess up, as long as you know you have messed up, because you can learn from it. Everybody else messes up, it’s just that nobody ever notices, as much as we do.
In March 2004, I attended the 6th International ADHD Conference organised by ADDISS, which was held at the Adelphi Hotel in my home town Liverpool. There were doctors, parents, Americans and Australians, as well as other nationalities – even ‘coppers’ from the Lancashire Police Force ! The first day was tense, but there were some very good presentations from various ADD/ADHD support groups from all over the UK. Some were so moving, they brought tears to your eyes, just knowing that with the right help and guidance how productive and active we can all be.
In the evening, there was a formal meal and a cabaret act. I left the conference at 5pm, went home, got changed for the evening meal and returned to the hotel. As I was walking through the hotel door I saw the two coppers from Lancashire, who made a comment about me wearing a smart suit, shirt and tie, so I responded with a big grin on my face, by explaining that the last time I wore a suit, I was the accused! I walked into the dinner and for the first time in my life, peoples heads turned in amazement and not for something I had said or done. Some of these people I had met before and they were amazed with my
progress, but the most important thing was I was still me. Sitting at the table people were asking me questions and they weren't coppers, or magistrates or probation officers for once; how weird was that ! In fact, the two coppers from Lancashire, Phil Assherton and
made a dedication to me in the foreword to their excellent book about ADHD and criminality called ‘Kids of the Cone’, which is amazing, given some of my past transgressions! IVE ADDED THIS SECTION GARY, THINKS ITS IMPORTANT
Sometimes, I think to myself how much has happened since that ADDISS Conference in March 2004. I have left my ex-wife and I have moved home and I have met and fallen in love with a wonderful woman’ I have also started training with the Youth Offending team, in my local area, with the intention of helping somebody else to discover themselves and the good they have inside themselves, instead of feeling like a failure. We are not failures but we are simply unaware of the fact. Once you know that you are not a failure, it’s an enlightening feeling, almost spiritual in its effect. Some days are brilliant and some not so good; some days you can think what the hell am I doing, and it's on these days that we can notice the difference for ourselves, which reinforces the changes we wish make for a better day. It's also important to recognise that it is ok to have off days, it's what we do about it which makes the difference.