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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2014 12:04:12 GMT
Gotta be done init. I do glance back, personally, tho. Usually a few days in when I've completely forgotten the severity of what ever we were arguing about! I used to harbour grudges for much longer when I was younger, though. I realise now it's just a coping strategy to protect my snowflake-like emotional state so when I become conscious of a slip, I try and backpedal the fuck up outta there! Otherwise, it would mean I'd made no progress in bettering myself. I question what hope I have of trying to influence positive outcomes for my sprog if I can't get the basics sorted myself? Still, things are going reasonably well for me atm. Your relationship with your sprog is something I admire Kathymel
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Post by fuzzywuzzy on Jan 1, 2014 13:41:36 GMT
Atypical depression strongly linked to bipolar disorder
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Post by JJ on Jan 1, 2014 18:46:28 GMT
oddly enough - I've just read the link and it's led me to the Melancholic Depression description. which actually does sound a lot like me over the atypical variant? maybe this is where the psych is headed with his thinking. I've read on from there though and ended up reading about schizophrenia, blunted affect, social anhedonia (comes up a lot in psych's mini reports) and an array of other stuff too. (i should be filling out my 5week late timesheet!!) I don't know what I "am" anymore but continually reconfirm I'm somewhere outside of typical. ADHD still rings true with lots of my behaviours with the flat/anhedonia a possible comorbid symptom of some kind but I'm starting to think I'm not "negatively" impulsive enough to ever get near a diagnosis. Dan, you don't need to be 'negatively impulsive' to get an inattentive diagnosis - you've def misunderstood. The actual diagnosis is ADHD PI - which means predominantly Inattentive - ie not exclusively inattentive. I think you need 6 out of 9 or whatever to be diagnosed, I got 8 or 9 of the inattentive and 5 for impulsivity / hyperactivity - so my diagnosis is PI, but I'm still impulsive. You're naturally questioning everything, but IMO, I think you've been steered off track by an ignorant psych and are therefore looking for other explanations when adhd fits best. Before your next appt, I think you should listen to the Russell Barkley lectures on You Tube, or read Thomas Brown's Executive Functions stuff on the net, or look at Prof Asherson's paper on clinical assessment of adult adhd - basically anything formal that describes adult adhd, so you can be reminded why it is you sought diagnosis in the first place. If you read it all again, and still think your psych is right then fine, but from what I've seen you writing here all the time you've been posting here, you certainly do describe so many symptoms that you do need to be evaluated properly - and your current psych just isn't specialised in this.... Btw -The asherson paper says all,about comorbid anxiety as well I think.... Xx
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2014 20:22:50 GMT
I doubt he's misunderstood anything. He's enjoying the benefits (however small) the current line of meds are giving him which includes less aggro from his missus because he's shut the fuck up about ADHD for five minutes This will run full course and end up with meds that help him one way or another. You may think the NTs coming on here and extolling the horrors of life with the ADHD bloke have it bad... it's no walk in the park on the other side either Dan, apologies for my hugely presumptive post.
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Post by computermandan on Jan 2, 2014 23:54:52 GMT
Michael - it may have been presumptive lol... but somewhat mega correct also! I want to know if you have me bugged or something... yes I have STFU about ADHD recently for that exact reason. Seems apparently I haven't always been like this? I think she knows I have really... Oddly enough reading the recent links about RSD struck a mega chord with how I tick at home. she pushes the buttons, I overreact. Now my eldest (all 10 years of her) seems to have learned this too! arrrrggggghhhhh! then I remember flipping out at school on occasion - rare but when I blew I really blew for seemingly little. I realise the depression/anxiety comes from me not being able to do anything about the uselessness I feel when I cant get out of the numerous holes I have got good at digging. All the usual additional stresses seem to just tip the "coping" balance that I usually hide very well. Anhedonia is my new interest - psych keeps writing it down. Must be something to do with non-understanding of how people get emotional about all sorts - the part where I never got the "most amazing feeling in the world" when my kids were born made me think I wasn't right in the head to be honest. The meds have chilled me out somewhat, haven't "fixed" anything as such but I'm more aware of my shortcomings. Side tracked eternally. Finally kicked into action after a lecture from the chair of the board on the importance of timesheets and timekeeping - I'm only 3 weeks behind now. moaned at for lateness all of 3 days after being told timekeeping was getting better. I know I'm not lazy JJ - I do think you're right - the psych has at the very least led me to consider alternatives - mostly is this a "NOW" thing or has it always been there - I think the current meds aren't doing much but I do currently feel less agitated about it all so maybe they're allowing me to put all the facts together to come back again. The Barkley lectures really caught me and I recall snippets that I really identified with, but I never get through them properly and end up repeating over and over as I miss things and so never have time for any of it I'll get there - I guess I'm still coming to terms with it all in my head when I remember to, and am not pre-occupied with the million other things I "should" be doing. I really appreciate all the input - it helps to explore other options with peoples thoughts rather than my own ramblings up against my local friends who try to be supportive yet somehow irritatingly dismissive at the same time. Maybe talking to long term friends who I rarely see these days will reveal more ? ? ? ? anyway onwards and upwards - back to the work I should have got done already
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Post by supine on Jan 3, 2014 12:38:22 GMT
danIn addition to hyperfocus (and the irritability that goes with being interrupted ) I also become calmer the more adrenaline pumps round my body. For instance, I took my old Fazer600 round Snetterton on a track day some years ago, and after I got used to the layout I was embarrasing people on more powerful bikes. Even though they would pass me on the straights I would overtake them back round the corners, often on the outside. I remember one moment so clearly it could have been yesterday. I was leant over going round the outside of two other bikes (gsxr600 & a 750) and as it was a right hand bend my head was about 6 inches from their rear tyre and chain, doing around 45mph. I remember the moment so clearly because I was so calm it was almost zen, in fact I would go as far as saying it _was_ zen, totally in the moment and perfectly calm. In retrospect (and objectively speaking - because I still don't feel it was) it was a dangerous situation as an inexperienced rider, alongside other inexperienced riders, about as close to the edge of my abilities as I could get. It's happened in other situations too, such as when I was 17 a mate of mine and me did a wrap of speed. He went off to town speeding his nuts off, and I went to sleep by the way, I'm pretty sure you could get 10-15 minutes of a call with Dr Chad for nowt (hence why I said strip down your situation to the key points) and get some advice if you still need it. Hope you feel better soon.
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Post by shapes on Jan 3, 2014 16:17:04 GMT
I thought I had atypical depression firstly although completely forgot about it, this was 4 years ago. It's actually a bit vague. ADHD describes me much more fully.
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Post by computermandan on Jan 3, 2014 16:59:16 GMT
I also become calmer the more adrenaline pumps round my body. supine - this is me at high speed in anything that goes fast. matrix style moments! total focus when got going playing football too - not that I have played for years really. used to be every free minute until I left for uni (late, with no where to live!). lol
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Post by computermandan on Jan 5, 2014 22:00:52 GMT
Well... I accidentally stumbled on my school reports this evening.... dossier building time!
I don't think they go far back enough (age16) but they're consistent???
"Demonstrates ability, lacks effort and consistency"
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Post by Kathymel on Jan 6, 2014 1:43:43 GMT
Something struck me just now (and almost got away again twice but I wrestled it back out into the faulty spotlight). When I re-read the Dodson RSD article the other day, I realised I hadn't paid attention before to the bit about the mood swings and how they can vary extremely several times a day, compared to the BP several times a year-ish cycle. I was thinking about it when I read someone else on here (can't remember, sorry) saying they felt awful and so depressed and felt they would never be happy again. At the time, I knew how they felt, but also thought they'd probably be OK again fairly soon, partly because this is how I have always assumed people work, but partly because Dodson had confirmed it. What struck me now was that this means NTs don't work like this and perhaps this is something I should know about. Presumably, not only do NTs not experience the same extreme of emotional fluctuations, but they must take longer to change from one state to another. I feel like I should have known this before. Anyway, just thinking out loud, really.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2014 7:33:10 GMT
Something struck me just now (and almost got away again twice but I wrestled it back out into the faulty spotlight). When I re-read the Dodson RSD article the other day, I realised I hadn't paid attention before to the bit about the mood swings and how they can vary extremely several times a day, compared to the BP several times a year-ish cycle. I was thinking about it when I read someone else on here (can't remember, sorry) saying they felt awful and so depressed and felt they would never be happy again. At the time, I knew how they felt, but also thought they'd probably be OK again fairly soon, partly because this is how I have always assumed people work, but partly because Dodson had confirmed it. What struck me now was that this means NTs don't work like this and perhaps this is something I should know about. Presumably, not only do NTs not experience the same extreme of emotional fluctuations, but they must take longer to change from one state to another. I feel like I should have known this before. Anyway, just thinking out loud, really. I think that the 'can't foresee a better future' thing is one of the diagnostic observations for 'classic' depression. I suspect ADHD people are as capable of suffering from that as anyone else (NT) might be, and it would need to be treated separately but sympathetically with the ADHD - but we also suffer from frequent relatively extreme mood swings., which is not usual in NTs. 'Emotional lability'.
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Post by Kathymel on Jan 6, 2014 8:16:15 GMT
I think that the 'can't foresee a better future' thing is one of the diagnostic observations for 'classic' depression. I suspect ADHD people are as capable of suffering from that as anyone else (NT) might be, and it would need to be treated separately but sympathetically with the ADHD - but we also suffer from frequent relatively extreme mood swings., which is not usual in NTs. 'Emotional lability'. Both ADHD and classic depression produce that feeling, and they can occur together. I wasn't comparing our lability to depression, though, I was musing on how NT people (without depression) might feel/react. I've often felt that down at one point during the day, sometimes to the point of suicidal ideation, then been absolutely fine a few hours later and now I know that that is emotional lability. What I hadn't extrapolated from that is that NTs don't bounce back that quickly and perhaps I need to be more aware of this. I have been known to get impatient with people who seem to me to be taking too long to get over something. Not to their faces, I hasten to add!
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Post by contrarymary on Jan 6, 2014 8:55:24 GMT
i'm with you on this Kathymel, and have recently realised a similar thing. that thing of feeling really down that it feels impossible to live through something, and then bouncing back within a couple of hours - or indeed less! and yet again this is something which has been exacerbated - or perhaps made more obvious - since i stopped smoking. i remember back to at least early teens being unable to be able to start and finish the day on the same emotion - more noticeable at weekends because they were less structured. i would either start happy and finish grumpy or vice versa, having cycled through emotions during the day. there is something very Now about it. and it is exhausting. i've noticed that it's also fairly easy to shift my moods from one to another, so even tho they feel all-consuming they really can't be. i feel a bit like an emotional Pac-man: i'll gobble along in one mode - generally happy as long as things are moving - until i get stuck at the end of the row. then feel overwhelmed and miserable because of being stuck and unable to envisage "ever" moving again. but all it takes is someone to point out a way to turn the corner and i will be happily off gobbling again..... until i hit another corner/end of row. i had always wondered how other people managed this so much better than me, until i realised that they are not going through all these ups and downs each day, where everything is exciting or terrible, with the exception of some hyperfocus stuff which just Is. and then it seems that they are simply boring because they move through emotions so slowly i simply can't identify with them "still" being the same as they were yesterday.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2014 9:13:55 GMT
Can't read any more of this today as I'm getting "looking in the mirror overload syndrome" from various threads and posts across the entire board over the last few days.
Frankly, I'm not used to being in so much agreement and I haven't got the energy to concur.
Mad innit?
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Post by Kathymel on Jan 6, 2014 9:49:35 GMT
i've noticed that it's also fairly easy to shift my moods from one to another, so even tho they feel all-consuming they really can't be. i feel a bit like an emotional Pac-man: i'll gobble along in one mode - generally happy as long as things are moving - until i get stuck at the end of the row. then feel overwhelmed and miserable because of being stuck and unable to envisage "ever" moving again. but all it takes is someone to point out a way to turn the corner and i will be happily off gobbling again..... until i hit another corner/end of row. Love the Pacman analogy. It could be as easily applied to practical things as well as emotional. Like getting stuck on the laptop for hours, unable to move, until something puts a bomb under your arse and suddenly your off and running.
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Post by Kathymel on Jan 6, 2014 9:52:32 GMT
Can't read any more of this today as I'm getting "looking in the mirror overload syndrome" from various threads and posts across the entire board over the last few days. Frankly, I'm not used to being in so much agreement and I haven't got the energy to concur. Mad innit? I totally get that. You read page after page of comments, but until you come across something you disagree with, there's nothing to get your teeth into. Unless of course, it's something novel that you agree with, like this.
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Post by contrarymary on Jan 6, 2014 10:09:35 GMT
i've noticed that it's also fairly easy to shift my moods from one to another, so even tho they feel all-consuming they really can't be. i feel a bit like an emotional Pac-man: i'll gobble along in one mode - generally happy as long as things are moving - until i get stuck at the end of the row. then feel overwhelmed and miserable because of being stuck and unable to envisage "ever" moving again. but all it takes is someone to point out a way to turn the corner and i will be happily off gobbling again..... until i hit another corner/end of row. Love the Pacman analogy. It could be as easily applied to practical things as well as emotional. Like getting stuck on the laptop for hours, unable to move, until something puts a bomb under your arse and suddenly your off and running. I also get stuck in practical things Pac-man mode- indeed almost anything where there is a need to problem-solve or decide or take any sort of action, and it stretches beyond the simple task-switching to just about everything. i think something where Pac-man meets maze would sum up most of my life issues. where i have tried something and it hasn't worked it feels like a dead end. thus there is nowhere to go and i spent all my energy getting there because i had to hyperfocus on the one thing in order to make myself make any progress. thus everything is terrible and i cannot imagine it being any different. until i happen to switch to focus on something else, or have a chance to say how terrible something feels, when it immediately becomes bearable or unimportant. or until someone else suggests a different way forward. and as a result of any of those i will be quite happily off again.
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Post by computermandan on Jan 6, 2014 10:41:35 GMT
Love the Pacman analogy. It could be as easily applied to practical things as well as emotional. Like getting stuck on the laptop for hours, unable to move, until something puts a bomb under your arse and suddenly your off and running. I also get stuck in practical things Pac-man mode- indeed almost anything where there is a need to problem-solve or decide or take any sort of action, and it stretches beyond the simple task-switching to just about everything. i think something where Pac-man meets maze would sum up most of my life issues. where i have tried something and it hasn't worked it feels like a dead end. thus there is nowhere to go and i spent all my energy getting there because i had to hyperfocus on the one thing in order to make myself make any progress. thus everything is terrible and i cannot imagine it being any different. until i happen to switch to focus on something else, or have a chance to say how terrible something feels, when it immediately becomes bearable or unimportant. or until someone else suggests a different way forward. and as a result of any of those i will be quite happily off again. All these things ring SO true... Weekends and their lack of HAVING to do something generally ends up meaning nothing gets done. I can work quite happily on the laptop getting things done - and we're talking into the next day territory, unless something gets in the way. If that something is a distraction I'll happily wander off down that route for a bit too.. But if that 'block' is a problem I can't solve - I get agitated and slightly aggressive to anyone seeking my attention or anything like that, which in an IT support role can be quite challenging to contain. Sometimes it doesn't get contained at all and my boss has the whole close the door and step back "well that's a bit out of character, what's up?" reaction - which is good. unfortunately quite often he's the source of much frustration too but that's life I guess. It literally feels as you guys have described - overwhelming, head popping, bang head, pull hair out (if I had any!) kind of moment. I've found at home usually ends up in a random domestic row of some kind where I can't see that I've done anything wrong and stomp off like a teenager and either go out or go to bed for half an hour and I can come back happy as larry - down and up so quickly. Comment from my wife about such incidents is like "you always act as if nothings happened and everything is alright again" - I guess that's because thats how I feel in my head - quick cuppa to make up for it and lets start again...
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Post by computermandan on Jan 10, 2014 13:45:06 GMT
oh dear... having an odd day... flew off the handle at my boss after he was picking about a silly little thing where I didn't respond to a client about something that they have since emailed about and said they'd sorted it themselves. I don't do that very often - I've never done that at work. I was physically angry - stormed off banging and crashing and went and "chilled" in a toilet cubicle upstairs outside some other firms offices.... Grrrrrr. I don't really know what hit me or why i was cross. usually there's something but all I can think of is frustration at trying so hard to get all the little things right and then being picked at for some little thing that I didn't even know I wasn't doing and being told that I'd chosen not to do it... then the whole "whats up how can we sort this for you" conversation ensued when I got back. I feel a little silly as I'm sure colleagues will ask him - what was up with Dan? and he'll prob just say "I dunno he just lost it". hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
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Post by fuzzywuzzy on Jan 10, 2014 13:56:03 GMT
Don't let them....him.....it.....get you down Dan it'll all be forgotten in an instant If this, as you say, is something you really don't normally do, then you should try not to dwell on it either....harder said than done, I know..... and T.F.I.F. it's Friday, thank goodness! Chill....doing something you enjoy x
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Post by computermandan on Jan 10, 2014 14:48:14 GMT
headphones on, off we go
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2014 15:42:45 GMT
Any unusual stresses in your life at the mo?
We all run in cycles - maybe yours are at a particularly low ebb right now - combined with the ADHD emotional control dysfunction and BOOOM!
As long as you've not burned any bridges.......
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Post by computermandan on Jan 10, 2014 16:59:26 GMT
thankfully - bridges are intact. I can't pinpoint anything except frustration at endless (seemingly growing) list of silly little things that i don't seem to be getting quite right all of the time still. well that coupled with my sister having a baby with her hubby (who tried to run off with the wife), having to pretend I've forgiven and forgotten for the sake of "everyone" - now they're moving back from up north to stay with my folks whilst scrimping for a deposit and mortgage for their own place Also whilst trying (and doing fairly well) to rebuild my own relationship. and in the process discovering the potential ADHD issues/traits may have been what led to Wife's unhappiness at situation to begin with. Think we're past the worst (honestly my life didnt read like a soap opera 14months ago!) Forward Ho!
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Post by computermandan on Jan 10, 2014 17:00:27 GMT
by the way... the baby is 3 weeks old and didnt (for obvious reasons) attempt to run off with the wife 6 months ago. LOL (it was brother-in-law and not so much running off than "falling for each other" and 1800 txts a month because he "listened" )
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2014 18:04:54 GMT
thankfully - bridges are intact. I can't pinpoint anything except frustration at endless (seemingly growing) list of silly little things that i don't seem to be getting quite right all of the time still. well that coupled with my sister having a baby with her hubby ( who tried to run off with the wife), having to pretend I've forgiven and forgotten for the sake of "everyone" - now they're moving back from up north to stay with my folks whilst scrimping for a deposit and mortgage for their own place Also whilst trying (and doing fairly well) to rebuild my own relationship. and in the process discovering the potential ADHD issues/traits may have been what led to Wife's unhappiness at situation to begin with. Think we're past the worst (honestly my life didnt read like a soap opera 14months ago!) Forward Ho! I think you qualify for 'stressed to hell' Surprised you haven't cracked before - that's a lot of load to carry. Kudos to you.
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Post by chickster on Jan 11, 2014 5:32:42 GMT
Mirtazapine will make you FAT. It is an antidepressant without sexual side effects, and not a very good one at that, and makes you eat, and eat, and eat. And sleep. Odd diagnosis as they all know the hyperactivity goes away in adulthood. I can see why he might have (maybe) got depression and ADHD confused (being charitable) but mirtazapine? That's a third line treatment. I'd get a new doc if I were you, there are a LOT of bad psychiatrists out there, from the mad to the incompetent.
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Post by computermandan on Feb 7, 2014 15:13:17 GMT
Well... thankfully I still exist - I think??? dreaming my way through my days at the moment and not sure what I'm saying or agreeing to most of the time. weather doing no favours and I think I missed my next psych appt. oops. just remembered to call them "err hello I think I had an appt in feb but I dont know when and I lost my letter"... thankfully unlike my GP's surgery I didn't get Grandma know-it-all telling me about the three strikes system setup to banish the helpless to eternal doom... My boss has pointed out that I keep talking about quite random things out loud - slightly odd inappropriate things at the best of times. in summary stumbling a little - the meds stopped about a week ago - am I supposed to seek a repeat prescription in between psych visits or just finish then head back to review the latest medicine with the psych - at no point has anyone told me. if I still have an appointment to go to I will push for a 'proper' assessment as I'm fed up with yoyo effect as meds arent making a difference to the problems - they mask the symptoms created by the problems a little but thats all. my worry is i get fobbed off again and wander aimlessly for another couple of months. doing little work, getting deeper into debt. it's not even January any more I've got no excuse for miserableness...
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Post by computermandan on Feb 24, 2014 15:39:08 GMT
ok so another psych appointment done... talked a bit more about things (briefly) came up short of inisisting on a referral however pysch said that we should tackle the anxiety and then look at the long term issues and perhaps do some psychometric tests not sure exactly what that meant or what for exactly but he said to look at he impulsivity & procrastination... (i took that as positive??) he said it's odd because the way I describe it, it's like I know I should be doing something else at the time but I actively choose not to do it and am aware of it the whole time. in the mean time I am up to 30mg of Citalopram from 20mg and I can feel the difference after a week I think (placebo?). seem to have gone back to my laid back self, same issues just not stressing about the pile of things growing outside my headspace right now.
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Post by computermandan on May 2, 2014 9:53:35 GMT
had enough of Citalopram. probably a VERY bad idea but not going to get repeat prescription. I am 100% not anxious about issues, but I am 100% unmotivated to do anything... lists, jobs, focus, and generally caring about anything very much has slipped by the wayside and whilst thinking Yay it's all good because I'm not stressing out... all things are all over the place again.
I have no idea when next appointment is. I have no idea what to say. I think I might wander off and sleep in the woods and get eaten by insects, but I suspect it might take a long time and I'll probably not stay still long enough.
right now I'm not sure if I'm being silly because I am not swallowing my pills all of a sudden or because I'm actually fed up......
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Post by computermandan on May 6, 2014 19:34:43 GMT
well had next psych appt today... and almost out of the blue got... "we don't have the funds for ADHD clinic here but I will write to your GP and ask him to refer you to Maudesly for assesment"... cue gobsmacked err yes please...
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