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Post by contrarymary on Sept 7, 2013 21:34:43 GMT
I read Part One of the book today. (woop woop)
It was quite hard work to read so much and I found myself using one or two of the techniques in the book in order to read the book!! eg focussing on slow deep breathing, noticing when my attention had gone, acknowledging it and gently calling it back to doing the reading.
The exercises were gentle and interesting, especially the one where we were asked to focus on an object which provoked a resonse from us, and without judging ourselves simply feel what happened to our bodies when we responded to it negatively, then try to turn up that feeling and pay attention to the physical response; then turn our attention to being open and curious rather than negative in our response, and notice how that felt physically.
I have to say I have always struggled to work out how I feel, both emotionally and physically. I don't notice I'm struggling until I have blown up or had a meltdown. I don't notice I'm tired until I'm unable to continue. I don't notice I'm in pain until I'm at screaming point. And always people ask me, why didn't you say something (earlier)? And I reply, "I didn't know" or "I never notice".
Today, I noticed. Because the book told me to. And it was weird. I think in a good way, but weird.
Normally I'm going too fast to feel. At the same time I'm being overwhelmed by thoughts and sensations and sensitivities and sensory input and the sense of almost desperate urgency that pervades every moment until I switch off. Perhaps it's that there is so much whizzing in my head, and so much whizzing from the overwhelming input of the outside world, that it is difficult to focus on a single thought or a single response or a single sensation. So I've learned not to feel my stuff (physical, emotional) in order not to be always overwhelmed. And I only notice shiny things. And now perhaps i begin to understand why.
Such a strange mix of relief and sadness in finding all this stuff in such a short space of time. Overwhelming knowledge after a lifetime of struggling. Comforting to read about mindfulness and research to date on how it can help with almost every aspect of executive function. And that people with adhd are naturally good at most of the parts of mindfulness, apart from the attention bit which is more of a challenge! But it is almost scary to realise that such a seemingly small and simple thing as mindfulness could potentially make such a huge difference
what a rollercoaster.
i'm knackered again now, on the inside as well as the outside. and long post again - sorry. but somebody did say to share our experience!
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Post by jan on Sept 7, 2013 22:16:37 GMT
wow - again - mary - don't apologise for your long posts you explain things so well I particularly relate to your description of the sense of urgency that pervades every moment and of not feeling for fear of being overwhelmed. I have always felt that I bomb around everywhere (physically and in my head) because if I stop I might meet myself your descriptions of the mindfulness are very clear and easy to understand (for me ) and make me want to do it but then my adhd takes over and I do anything but today I suddenly had the desire to sort every room in my house - especially my bedroom - for few reasons will prob talk about elsewhere and I have sorted the whole house - except my bedroom - which was really bad but now I can hardly even get through the door and will have to sleep on sofa tonight as bed is piled high . what I actually wanted to do today was some mindfulness , answer a particular post in detail on here and sort my bedroom - and ended up not doing any of that. i'm my own worse enemy
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2013 0:43:26 GMT
Haven't got anything constructive to say today - my head has been so foggy all day. I feel quite nervous about starting step one tomorrow - I intend on just reading it - underlining any bits which particularly strike a chord, and not overly stress about practicing every exercise religiously otherwise I will end up abandoning the whole thing. In fact, thinking about it now I am going to use the technique of percentages! I am going to aim at doing about 70% of what I think should be done, and if I do 30% I will give myself a huge pat on the back!
i am so glad we are doing this together and I think it's really good how much acceptance there is on here because we all face different but similar challenges but are trying to muddle through the best we can xxx
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Post by JJ on Sept 8, 2013 1:06:40 GMT
I second what jan said Mary - I'm finding your posts v interesting and helpful - I know I am unable to read this book and do it all- even a bit, let alone properly - so your descriptions of what you're doing and how you're feeling are really useful - going to try a bit tomorrow if I can. And your description about working out how you feel and going too fast is so accurately and eloquently put that it made me feel a bit sad really.... ....there are all these things that are a way of life for us and are disabling. They're not written down anywhere or understood by anyone, they make life difficult and they're hidden.... I doubt that any specialist, even the really good ones, knows about these things - we don't even realise all the subtleties of our differences until someone puts it into words so precisely, like you have here...all these things on top of the DSM checklist that we deal with.... Cos we're in that stupid 2-4% at the end of the spectrum.... Anyway, I'm not going to derail this thread anymore, suffice to say, please don't hold back if you feel like writing again about your mindfulness exercises
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2013 1:18:38 GMT
Mary, I second what jan and JJ said. You are amazingly perceptive and articulate - what you write is really helpful xxx
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Post by Lesley on Sept 8, 2013 22:38:38 GMT
today I suddenly had the desire to sort every room in my house - especially my bedroom - for few reasons will prob talk about elsewhere and I have sorted the whole house - except my bedroom - which was really bad but now I can hardly even get through the door and will have to sleep on sofa tonight as bed is piled high . what I actually wanted to do today was some mindfulness , answer a particular post in detail on here and sort my bedroom - and ended up not doing any of that. Hah, just what I do all the time - I just have to congratulate/comfort myself that at least something that needed doing got done! Mary, like the others I'm finding your posts extremely clear and helpful. I think your way of starting the day so gently is something I can learn from. Thanks, Mary and Jan, for your good wishes. My husband came home yesterday with his blood pressure down to normal, some pills to keep it that way, and instructions to see his GP within the next few days. He seems to be fine now. But now begins the hard slog of persuading him to make the changes to his lifestyle which will decrease the chances of it happening again. Tomorrow I intend to read Step 1. And then perhaps ...
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2013 0:40:05 GMT
Day 1 of Step 1 : progress made - got all set up to spend the afternoon reading book and 'practicing' mindfulness - before I'd even read the first page fell flat asleep. So now that's on tomorrow's to do list.
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Post by jan on Sept 9, 2013 8:00:24 GMT
aaaaaaw thank god its not just me (not that i want anyone to fail oooo you know what i mean in it ) todays a new day lets get mindfull
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Post by JJ on Sept 9, 2013 9:01:43 GMT
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Post by jan on Sept 9, 2013 9:07:28 GMT
wicked love it jj that's sooooooo funny ha ha i want one for my fridge can u e mail it to me u reckon ?
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Post by JJ on Sept 9, 2013 9:36:14 GMT
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Post by jan on Sept 9, 2013 10:02:18 GMT
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Post by JJ on Sept 9, 2013 11:22:21 GMT
sorry - 1 last derail - I thought by doing your name like that (using one of those buttons near the smileys) meant that you'd get a notification that I'd used your name (like when someone quotes you or likes your post) - so is a way of letting someone know there's something of relevance to them when they log in... So you didn't get then? Gonna stick to inserting pictures...
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2013 17:49:03 GMT
Have done a tiny bit more of book today. I don't know if its because I'm learning a bit of mindfulness or coincidence but I've got a lot more done than usual today plus without any of my usual internal tantrums. I actually feel quite peaceful and on top of things.
To compliment the mindfulness course I have started exercising again, eating better and have purchased a planner. Am feeling very optimistic but am equally aware it is early days and that things can go pear shaped, or I can get bored very quickly. But still, am the best I've been since my earthquake at the beginning of the year when I discovered about adhd.
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Post by jan on Sept 9, 2013 20:45:01 GMT
great news petra (sorry one more de-rail folks ) wasn't you jj - was me - typical tornado - looked at site but didn't LOG IN you have to tell me these things very clearly you know not rely on me to do the obvious ) will go and do it now sorry no mindfulness to report again - I am officially dunce of the class on the thread and the de-rail thread now
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Post by jan on Sept 9, 2013 22:30:58 GMT
can't work out where I go on the site to see that you've mentioned my name
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2013 23:01:53 GMT
Lol! Right, try and read step 1 ASAP - it really isn't very long - and then the exercises will be in your head and you can practice them whenever over the week. I think we should be called Team Tornado
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Post by contrarymary on Sept 10, 2013 6:13:28 GMT
thank you for that petra - i've been procrastinating even picking up the book, but you have motivated me to get something done today....
derailed myself by eating not-quite-cooked bean burgers on sunday evening and awake most of sunday night then ill most of monday. i recycled the packet without reading it, and was congratulating myself for remembering to empty the recycling as soon as it was full, for once..... and then went and dug out the packet, read that it needed 50% longer than i'd thought, tied up the rubbish again, went back to the kitchen, forgot what i had beendoing, started washing up and got really pleased with myself for pulling my day together...ate supper.....
spent yesterday wondering how i managed to poison myself on frozen spinach which i know was piping hot.... only remembered the bean burgers when i saw the empty recycling at the end of monday..... i wonder how many other people use self-inflicted food poisoning as a sign that they are not focusing enough?
today i will a) be gentle with myself and try to remember i'm wobbly before i exhaust myself rather than afterwards b) read the book
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Post by contrarymary on Sept 10, 2013 11:52:17 GMT
bloody hell. i'd forgotten all of that, and forgotten i'd posted, and forgotten i was going to be gentle with myself. now i've read my earlier post i remember why i'm struggling today.
OK. start the day again... more mindfully. (just pick up the bloody book contraryM!)
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2013 14:30:25 GMT
I haven't started out well today either. Have got major brain fog - it should come with a severe weather warning - so have just climbed back into bed and am giving up on today - will try to do 'today' tomorrow. However, I am giving up 'mindfully'!
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Post by jan on Sept 10, 2013 15:05:39 GMT
me and you (petra) - should move in together on the 'mindless' thread and be mindlessfull - at least we be good at something no - i'm not giving up yet - am off to yoga tonight - and will be yogaly mindfull for a whole hour and then maybe calm enough to read the next chapter
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Post by jan on Sept 11, 2013 10:15:08 GMT
can't work out where I go on the site to see that you've mentioned my name aaah - understand now - you talking about this site - not the site that you got photo from yes got notification saying you tagged me (how many days has it taken me to work that out ) how do you do that then ? second thoughts don't worry - i wont get it anyway
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2013 11:05:31 GMT
And this is relevant to mindfulness how exactly......?
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Post by Lesley on Sept 11, 2013 20:02:27 GMT
Well, I did something at last.
I read Step 1 Monday evening (husband out, house to myself) and did the exercises (except the 4th, about eating a raisin mindfully - but I have done that in the past). Had a bit of fun with the vase/faces in ex. 1.1, but didn't really concentrate on 1.2. Enjoyed 1.3, though - practicing "just seeing", "just hearing", etc. Even tried smelling my shoe, as suggested! (It didn't smell of much - but then I already know my sense of smell isn't great). Can't remember doing anything with taste, now I think about it, but when it came to touch finished by feeling the carpet with my bare feet (or becoming aware of feeling it/feeling it mindfully, as I'd been sitting with my bare feet on the carpet all along, so must have been feeling it anyway).
Then yesterday we went out for a walk on the Somerset Levels and I tried, particularly at the beginning, to do this Tuning In to the Five Senses again. Seeing is relatively easy - and in such a wide open space very relaxing - though "just seeing" is something harder - when I saw a grey cloud I didn't think "Grey cloud against background of white clouds", I thought "Uh-oh, rain on its way". Hearing - wind, distant cars, occasional chirping birds - not that noisy really - I forgot to "note any moments of silence in between". Touch was mainly the wind on my arms and face at first, but later tried touching some of the plants as we walked past them – but I really needed to be walking by myself and able to go slowly to do that properly. Smelling I didn't really do, though I did try smelling a flower at one point but it didn't really have a scent - wrong flower, maybe, or is it the wrong time of the year? Ate a few blackberries on the way back, and a couple were particularly delicious, but I think that was inherent to them rather than anything I was doing.
It’s when I’m walking like this that I’m probably most likely to be opening up my senses anyway – but only some of them, so I hope I’ll continue to practice this on future walks. I was interested that when we entered a path which led between trees, almost a tunnel (though with sun shining through greenery, so although enclosed it felt protective rather than oppressive) and very different from the wide open space of earlier, I was aware of this difference (peripheral vision?) even though my eyes and my concentration were firmly on my feet at that point, as I was having to pick my way carefully. I also started thinking about my reaction to the two types of space, but didn’t get further than that I enjoy being in both.
This morning I had to go to Bath on the bus. I took a book, but thought I would spend part of the journey doing 5 Senses again – and found I had quite a strong resistance to this idea. It’s much easier to dive into a book. In the end I was about 10 minutes early for the bus, so did the 5 senses while waiting – easier, I think, because I knew it would be only for that short time. I noticed again how it’s impossible to just hear a sound without wanting to name it and put it into context – car, aeroplane, motorbike.
I had a sandwich in a café for lunch – I took the Big Issue I’d acquired by then out of my bag to read while eating, then thought, no, I’d try to just eat the sandwich and drink my tea mindfully – and even though I was eating in a public place, I did slow down, pay more attention and was more aware of what I was eating than usual – and really enjoyed it. (I did start reading when I’d finished eating, while I drank the rest of my tea, though – enough is enough).
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2013 21:04:49 GMT
I'm finding I can't be mindful for much more than a few seconds at a time - but I feel I'm gaining benefits from the discipline - hate that word!! - of bringing my attention to the 'now' several times a day in whatever way is appropriate at the time.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2013 14:43:09 GMT
Am definitely gaining benefits. Bringing my focus to the 'now' is giving me thinking time before acting impulsively and therefore enabling me to make wiser and different choices, both in what I say and do.
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Post by contrarymary on Sept 12, 2013 18:31:50 GMT
I was really surprised and quite embarrassed to get such amazingly positive feedback when I posted before. thank you. And went back into procrastination mode, and then poisoned myself (or in fact may have had a completely coincidental gastric flu, which would mean I may have eaten half-cooked bean burgers because of inattention/distraction, but I may not in fact have poisoned myself). on tuesday I read the first half of step one, and was rather put off by the length of some of the explanations of the exercises, and the fact that they were pale black writing in mid grey boxes. But I did the first one with the vase/faces, and got a bit confused by what we were supposed to be doing because i could straight away see both images at the same time so my awareness wasn't changing And then slightly stressed about having an exercise that starts with "close your eyes" but gives four longish points of explanation as to what to do with closed eyes, which of course i couldn't see with my eyes closed. So got stuck wondering whether i was either supposed to be opening my eyes every minute to read the next instruction, or read them all and somehow hold them in my non-working working memory. I did notice that I was calmer after doing the noticing outside and then inside sensations with our eyes closed, but then i didn't want to be reading and learning and doing any more stuff so i did some yoga breathing instead and went to sleep (i was still feeling quite ill) Yesterday I procrastinated on the book. Or more positively i focused on other priorities for the day which were already past their deadlines and had to be done, and then felt really rough so i gave myself the evening off. Today I read some of the other posts about other peoples' experience so that made me a bit keen to try some more, even tho for some reason the idea of doing it made me a little anxious (complete with little physical signs of anxiety - which i recognised and felt! woop woop). Ao, on to the one around focusing on using one sense at a time, as tho each sense is a radio station you have tuned into, and doing it fully, without thinking or judgement. That was quite challenging to begin with, as i am overwhelmed by sensory input a lot of the time, and can get to overwhelmed/feeling tortured point quite quickly, particularly with sound but with all senses, so generally try not to notice. But it was interesting to try to switch off thought while sensing, and to notice physical sensations in response to sensory input. As soon as i focused on sounds the flight path from heathrow switched to over my house, so there has been non-stop plane noise for the last four hours and i really struggle with plane noise. But instead of just struggling, i became aware of what the sound physically feels like, how my body responds in the same way as it does to anxiety, and i was trying to notice the sounds without thinking or judging them. Once I was able to not have feelings about them but regard them simply as noises, it somehow made them easier to tolerate. Apart from seeing, I did them all with my eyes closed. The touch one was interesting too. I spent some time feeling different things that I could reach from where I was sitting, and basically that meant me, and what I was wearing. So i found myself exploring clothes, and seams, and textures. And then reaching over my head from behind with my right arm and touching my face and my hair, and there was something about having reached from behind that made it all feel different. I do mindful eating at breakfast on the days when I do yoga in the mornings, so I didn't do that one. After having done today's exercises I was wondering what I had made such a big deal about and why I had procrastinated - I think it may come down to pure procrastination, but also having the energy to take in new information, and the colours of print/paper in the book which make it feel like harder work. I noticed that I keep using yoga breathing in order to help me to concentrate on the book and the exercises. Again after the exercises I was noticeably calm, and felt a little more energised, and had somehow stopped procrastinating and got my energy together to do a few things I had been putting off because I didn't think I would manage, but I did them and felt better for the doing (instead of exhausted/overwhelmed, which I usually would). And now I'm sitting here typing, despite the fact that planes are still going overhead non-stop and my upstairs neighbours are home and playing rap music/watching tv (different rooms!). Usually I would feel the need to close the window to minimise plane noise, and move to a different room to get away from the noisiest of upstairs' noises. But I'm sitting here typing, and have been able to think unusually clearly - I don't remember the last time I was able to acknowledge noises as being present and not only not get overwhelmed by them, but be able to continue to function so calmly and relatively easily while still being aware of them. Aware, but not overwhelmed. and still functioning. (how cool am i?!) The task now is to remember to do some of this stop and sensing stuff in the next couple of days. Part of me thinks "is that all?" and wants more of a challenge, part of me acknowledges that i need to remember. I have decided I will try to tack them on to the really routine parts of my daily routine, like toothbrushing or washing up, because those are my main mindless ones.... everything else i think i struggle with because I notice Too Much Input bloody long contraryM. what do you think this is, a blog? (actually i was trying to sneak in really detailed exercise explanations in case somebody might not have a book their book handy) am i really talking to myself on a public forum?!
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Post by jan on Sept 13, 2013 21:32:17 GMT
nope - i'm listening and taking it all in - ready for when I (eventually ) start to do it feling like a proper failure at mo - but just keep avoiding starting don't know why I can't seem to do stuff that's good for me
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2013 22:20:18 GMT
Ao, on to the one around focusing on using one sense at a time, as tho each sense is a radio station you have tuned into, and doing it fully, without thinking or judgement. That was quite challenging to begin with, as i am overwhelmed by sensory input a lot of the time, and can get to overwhelmed/feeling tortured point quite quickly, particularly with sound but with all senses, so generally try not to notice. So, is this the key to overcoming the intense frustration caused by ticking clocks? *GLARES AT CLOCK* I read your post three times but I can't shut this noise out. What senses am I using to read/write this post? It doesn't seem to be enough. I truly want to throw this clock out. For stressy moments, I've been doing deep breathing. In fact, I did it in the gym yesterday just to see what it might do and I gave myself chest pain. Oops. I'm beginning to think I might have to get the book as doing this by proxy isn't working so well
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Post by jan on Sept 13, 2013 23:13:43 GMT
you might as well have mine
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