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Post by shiningbright on Jul 25, 2016 23:47:17 GMT
I'm not sure what is it currently - lots of pain, fever on and off. I thought it was mastitis (which you're right marionk isn't a infection but can turn into one, which I don;t want to happen). I've got pain contranstly in that side, I had a lump there last week, like the kind I get when engorged, but it passed after an extra feed for the babe. There is a red patch about the size of my palm on the left side of my areola, where the pain is. The whole area hurts all the time but mostly there. It's alot firmer, even after extra feeds, then my other side. I'm drinking extra fluids, giving baby for milk (dispite the pain - to be honest pain doesn't bother me, i'm used to it, but it developing into something worse isn't something I want happening), gentle massarges, warm showers (wish I had a bathtub lol - I'm willing to pay £50 for a hotel just to have a bath. If I had £50 lol). Hopefully it'll pass. but if it's no better by Wed 'll go see a DR. Thanks, I know it's good for some but "Alternatively get a dx and get mph." simpley iisn't an option for me (for many reasons). my best bet is to hack it through, beat myself up some, freack out every now and then and stuggle to find my zen again. I know my problem - I've got too much on my plate. But I have no way of getting it off. My OH is trying to limit my work and stress as much as he can but he doesn't understand - he thinks that will power conquers all and the like, that my mind set is optional and/or controlable by will. He means well. How can anyone who doesn't know ever understand anyway. He loves me and that counts for more then anyone could know. Turns out with the whole boss lady thing, she'd actually been wanting more stuff from him (AKA me) but he fenced her and is trying to work it out so that I don't have to worry too much. She also told him that she wants the papers by Friday this week (our fault really - we generally have must faster turn around times then everyone else at the office) but he told me I can take til next week if I need to. He things it an easy task, keeps talking about how it'll take no time, I can do bit by bit, he doesn't get it. But he tries. I struggle. Alot more then I want to admit, alot more then I've said even on here. But I'm not a quitter and I wont give up on myself or my family. I'll see my way though this ohase and pray there will be time to fix the damage I do to myself before the next drama hits. And i'll keep on going until I'm old and useless lol. For now, my crazy brain is both my biggest curse and my only real skill. It makes me useful. Which I need. I've studied phsychology, I know what all that means and leads too and my underlying 'issues' but when one looks at their options, they have to make the choice that they can most live with. Mine is to struggle on until A - I break or B - i get a breakthrough and become some amazing person lol :-) (or C - the most realistic option - curcumstances change an dI don't have to sruggle so much any more, which is impossible lol)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 24, 2016 19:08:16 GMT
Thnaks @vaugeandrandom It's be a long long loooooooong month (year?) and I'm flatter then a stone age battery. I need a break.
My OH is praying to take the kids to the Carabbiean later in the year, so they can see their gramddad before he passes, and he's hoping to take me with them, if he can afford to - a holiday is just what I need - even if the mosquites hunt me out and his mum dislikes me - I'm pro polygamy and she isn't - also never wavier in my support of my OH - her son - and she's stabbed him in the back countless times, I respectfully told her off for that once and she's not forgiven me lol (I'm a lioness - no one hurts my family) but she adores the kids and she's family, so it'll also be nice to see her ;-) I really hope I get to go.
I can't get the work off my mind - i dream about it and it drives me crazy! Normally, if I have a project or problem I need to slove, I can sleep on it and wake up with the answer or a plan to get the answer. But when I'm so overworked, my brain focuses on the work I enjoy and not the work I have to do - and it adds to the pressure because when I wake up I have answers to problems I've not got time to deal with and it just sits in my brain building up until I can get it out.
FOr example - I had a lovely dream (several times) for the pas year where I've built a house that accomodated the whole family - including each current missus and and future ones (4's the max), plus school room and pray room and gym. I love drawing these kind of houses down - I didn't have thte focus or smarts to do articeture full on at school (plus I had way too many interests to focus on one subject - I need space to explore when I learn) but it is a hobby of mine. Well it's been eating at me for ages - whenever I get a chance I jot down what I can, trying to get the proportions and angles and sizes right so that it actually fits propperly. It'll never actually be built but it's such fun and so relaxing - well i'm getting close but until I draw it out fully it'll nag at me.
Aother things nagging in my brain are resources for OH, resources for home ed, curriculum for school, curricululm for home ed, the blancket ii started for baby but never finished, the clothes I want (need really as all my are full of holes) to make for me and my 3 yr old, cleaning and organising the house, the children book series sat waiting and ready, the novel that I've only written a chapter for, a map of the land i created for said novel, and other stuff that I often remember when stressed out.
Prayer helps me to focus some, so do exersize - but i can;t exersize as much as I want too because I have too much work to do and get stressed if I don't do the work. but if I don;t exersize then I bringe or snack on sweets while I work to give me energy to get though it.
I text my OH today: I told him taht I need tot alk because I'm lonely, overwhelmed emotionally and that I need to get a load off my chest. I know that he'll try to 'fix' me but he cant so I told him that i'm not looking for a fix, that I know what I need to do, but that I'm feeling lonely (and a little abandoned) and need some comfort and reassurance. He's driving but he said he'd ring me as soon as he can.
He doesn't know about the infection yet, he'll be worried when he does - especially with tomorrow coming - but I never lie to him and I need him - he helps me with my emotions as much as I help him with his work (we're well matched lol).
When I cried and raged earlier, I could hear by boys crying in the bedroom so I went through and we all hugged and talked and then played together for a while. No matter how bad things get inside my head, they'll always be there to be with me. I'm so blessed. Even my ADHD is a blessing (not so much right now but when I'm calm and not under pressure) it helps me to see the world differently, to think differently and to find alternate options to what others thing are set paths.
So my 'plan' is to do this outing tomorrow; tuesday relax. Wednesday do atelat the first two resoruces for OH next week, Thursday relax and Friday do the work papers - they might take all weekend as they're really fidderly but I'll make it through. If i'm rested enough I might be able to hyper focus and get it done in one day. I'll need Monday/tuesday to recover again then get back to the resources. Also as of tuesday this week I need to get on my diet and stick to it, no matter what.
But my plans will only work if I don't get stress or extra stuff added - so I need to ask my OH to back off adding research tasks for me, they just interrupt my focus and he's got a car full of people able to do the research fro him -it's their holiday after all, not mine, I don't need to be finding stuff for them lol.
Okay, so I'm still vexed. But I'm not raging anymore atleast and I'm smling rather then crying :-) Could be alot worse ;-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 24, 2016 17:33:18 GMT
Hi, sorry about that, I'm calm again now. Very embaressed but the feeling I hadn't arent invalid, I just need to handle myself better.
I reviewed my choices and the only path really open to me, that i can live with without hurting or disrupting anyone, is to do the best that I can and hope for the best. But I will likely need longer then Friday but I'm not gonna priorities these forms before the resources my OH needs. He's my priority not the lazy boss lady.
but I will have to talk to my OH about how I feel about all this - I know what he'll say but better out then in. My kids deserve a calm and relaxed me not a stressed and scary me. Poor lads.
Still feeling very ill but i'll make it through, I've survived way worse then a small infection.
SOrry again one and all :-) happy days (she says with just a hint of subliminal sarcasm lol) ;-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 24, 2016 13:25:27 GMT
Oh and my OH wants me to find ferrys for him - which i did dispite the anger and crying - I know he'll thank me. I also know it was a wasted effort becasue the prices are way above his current range (which I knew they would be) but I did it anyway 'cause 'm just good like that, roll on the passive-aggressive sarcasm, jolly good
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 24, 2016 13:21:35 GMT
That's it, I'm broken, I can;t do this anymore - if this was a job with a boss i'd just quit. But it's not so I have to keep going, no one else who can or will. But I'm extremely angry and hurt and sorrowed I finally finished the exams today. All done, finished and closed up. I'm beyond tired, I'm an emotional wreck right now and I'm all alone because my OH in on holiday with his other family. I thought, no big deal, take a couple days to rest, then on Wednesday through Friday, just work on the resources OH needs for the next week. No. My OH just rang me and told me that I have to do review forms also because the boss lady is insisting they have to be done by us. Weeks ago, 4 weeks ago exsactly (I have the emial proof) we asked her what papers we need to finish these learners off and she emaield them over. Now she's saying to do these, well my OH has another project coming up next week, he's on holiday which they all know about, but they also know that I'm not on holiday so they think "oh, it's okay C***** always does it all anyway. So it doesn't matter - she won't mind she never does." Bull shit. I've got two kids to look after - I'm meant to be a SAHM who's home edding her kids - not a unglorified PA and slack for their unreliable, unorganised set up. I've got ADHD, that's why I'm unorgnaised - what's their bl**dy excuse?!? So now, on Tues/Wed i've got another two piles of sheets coming over with a content of 127 each pile for me to go through, hand fill and send back in by Friday. What did my OH say "Oh, it's okay, you've got plenty of time - she doesn't want them until Friday." naturally completely forgetting that I'm out all day tomorrow to get a passport for my baby in Durham by train (my baby hates public transport and crowds so that's gonna be fun - not) and oh all the other work i have piled up. My house is a mess and my kids are upset because i'm so stressed and irratic lately. they don't deserve this. I don't deserve this. But what am i going to do - tell my OH don't lke it and do it anyway. Because that's the person I am, I'd never leave him hanging in a pinch Oh and never mind the fact that I woke up today with what looks to be a case of mastitis - so i'm extra tired, sore all over (mostly in the area), have a headache, an extra thing eating at my extremely limited focus and have a fever. Not that my OH asked how I am today - just spoke long enough to tell me someone was picking up the boxes and that i'd have this work to do. Then quickly spoke to our son before hanging up 'cause he's needed elsewhere. I know it's not his fault but right now I'm so angry at everyone and hurt by his utter distraction from me. I just feel so down trodden and broken. I know, logically, that It's not that bad, that I've got the skills and the motivation and that I'll get the job done - but the cost is what is hurting me and it's all coming down on me right this second - all the feelings I don;t like to feel all the thought I don;t let myself have and i'm crying next to my boys who are also crying because i'm crying and I'm so angry with it all and i'm so tired...
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 24, 2016 9:44:08 GMT
I'm on my last 10/13 exams, to be collected some point this afternoon, and my boys are so loud!
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 24, 2016 9:11:23 GMT
Oh @mariaonk that's cheered me up no end today :-) thank you
I used to only be able to fly a little bit, a few feet, but I've since been practicing and can get quite high now. Gotta be careful I'm not seen of course - last thingwe need is reports of a Muslim nikkabi flying around England lol - I'd get arrested lol!!! :-D Keeping it real lol :')
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 23, 2016 23:19:48 GMT
and I don't know whats wrong with my typeing hands lately - It's like they're workng at differetn speeds all of a sudden, my right hand keeps typing the letters that follow the letters my left hand is meant to type before my left hand gets a chance to type it, so words like hello beocme hlelo or gotcha becomes gohcta.
Weird - I blame it on all the writing I've done this week, my hand must be tired lol
I keep mispelling my OH name in his work emails >_< oh well, they'll live
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 23, 2016 23:18:12 GMT
Talking about sleep and ADHD - I don't know if this s relivent, but I kinda trained my body (more my mind really) to dream even when awake. So if I can't sleep (which is very often, every night even), then I kinda daydream until I start the day again (doesn't help with the tiredness side but does help with the lack of stress that comes tryng trying to sleep when one can't). And, more often then not, t'll lead me into being asleep without my even knowing it. I do have to be very careful what I daydream about because my imagination is almost scary vivid and I've scared myself a few times. I find the 'generic superhero' day dreams most fun and less morally troublesome. I used dolls (barbie not baby lol) right up until I was about 22 to help me sleep, which was when I was able to get better self control of my imagnation, and would use the dolls to act out what it was as was keeping me awake. Lots of soul searching under the guide of what looked to tohers like a frecky game. It's weird but it helped me. I have other techniques I've built over the years also but I have to vary them often so I don't get desensitised to one method. Also, daydream flying rocks! lol (I totally sound wacked out now lol )
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 23, 2016 19:36:42 GMT
Oh marionk they have databases - about 6 of them I think (why they don't take one afternoon/day aside or put it all together in an easy to manage form I don't know). My OH has three bosses - the two owners who started the business and the manager lady pain. She's not a bad lady but she is poorly skilled at the job at hand. i know why she got the job - boss #1 likes my OH and wanted him for the job but boss #2 doesn't like my OH's calm ability and was worried he'd be pushed out by my OH (which he wouldn't, all my mister wants is a peaceful, safe and well paid job - rare things these days). So boss #2 insisted that lady be given the job (so that they looked more open, not all males in higher management). She got the job two months before taking maternity leave and all the extra paperwork then fell to my OH (AKA me) to do as they lost so much at the office. Now she's expecting fast turnarounds and seemingly different stuff all the time, it's vexing. Boss #1 has avoided me since the drama from the last project got screwed by her maternity leave, he values my OH's work and results (he always gets a 98-100% turnaround because we adapt our resources to each project rather then having a flat, across the board set that doesn't work for all). Boss #2 sees us as useful cos they basically get two staff members for the price of one. I honestly hope she learners and improves, but she won't do that til she learns how to instill respect and gratitude - people will put themselves out for someone who respects them no matter the dramas. If she doesn;t adapt then she'll never get past manager level and will always be stuck at this small company. She deserves better then this - all the problems at the company aren't hers alone - the two bosses are always doing their own things and most of the office support staff are family of boss #2 and they're inefficient workers - the most efficient I've seen so far was his teenage kid who works there in the holidays! Where as we have options to branch out on our own - my OH used to be a manager himself so he has the skills, and we're just using this job to bridge the gap tween now and opening our own place. The company has so much potential, boss #1 wanted to branch out when the iron was hot but with britexit that time has past (he got held back by boss #2) and now alot of their funding is going to dry up. It's a sinking shp and if they don't patch their hole they'll go down. But they can still fix it - so many markets they could cater too without changing anything. Small markets that can build up and, with very little input, provide revenue for when funding gets harder to find. For example - they focus mostly of polish and european workers, in the workplace, and teach english, maths, management, ICT. ect. But they are missing huge pools of learners and incomes - uni students from any country that need English to do their courses, they pay privately and teaching can be done on a 121 basis (at a little extra cost) and. Or our government is givng fundng to places that offer and run courses for women to learn english - aiming mostly at muslim women, who (from my experience) aren't going to feel comfortable learning from white males - where as a female teacher can easily manage such classes. Can also run specialised workshops that employers and employees need - such as about laws and regulations relating to modern slavery, visa laws, etc. Stuff that would normally take alot of research can be offered at workshop packages for companies and individuals for a small amount of imput. So much protental. Yet they have limited themselves to working along side an unreliable fundign course of a college that basically give them the projects they don't want to deal with. I personally have two databases - one for all sessions registers along with any learners noted as needed. I wanted to add thing I knew we'd need later like ref numbers and DOBs (If I had those I could have done alot of this paperwork months ago, or slowly over the last month) and one for exams. Alsways colour coded and easy to understand with a handy key (not that I need the key lol). Oh well... I simply can't maintain this level of stress and my OH can't do the job without my support. So he's looking into over options now. Taxing maybe, to see us through for a few years while I focus on the school idea. If it comes to light - hard to invision it currently while I'm so bogged down by all this...
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 23, 2016 18:36:45 GMT
I'd never actually throw anything at him, I love him too much for that, but I will tickle him next time - broken arm or not lol!
He's got some of the same trats as me when it comes to ADHD, but the struggles I fast he doesn't face so much. His is more a difference of education (his schooling never really started til about ten years ago) so office polities go over his head, along with large sums of paper and words lol. He has no trouble focusing when he has too, and if he puts him phone down he works much the same as everyone else.
But his timelines always leave me reeling - he calls it Asian time: no red tap, just get it done kinda stuff. For example - where he's from building a house from scratch means buying the land and building then and there, 2-3 months for the full build (including electrics and standard paint job), longer in wet season, so he expects things to be as fast everywhere. Here we're slowed by plenty red tap that doesn't exist so much where he is from - lol in his homeland (Caribbean) they call 'health and safety, common sense lol).
However, when it come to my work he always think I can work faster then I do no matter the topic, time or day - my fault I guess - he's so used to me in hyper mode that he thinks I can maintain that whenever I want, like a hat that I pull on and off, and so he thinks that's my norm, he doesn't realise how much it hurts my head to be in that state for any length of time bless him.
Even when I'm on non hyper kinda calm mode, I'm still faster then him at writing and typing, so emails and such are left to me. I'm basically an PA lol. The idea was that my helping him out would give him more time for the kids.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 22, 2016 18:59:35 GMT
Has anyone watched the show/film Limitless?
Is it just me or is that drug in the show, NZT, just ADHD hyper mode rolled into tablet form?
It's just like me when I'm in hyper mode (sounds corny calling it that but you get my gist), I can go so much in a short space of time, see so much and mannage so much, for maybe an hour or so, but boy is the crash hard - can take me days or even weeks to recover from a hard 'hyper focus' bout. But I actually love when I'm hyper because I feel so much more alive, it's when I'm at my most productive and philosophical lol.
I especially like the use of imagination in the show - that'd me every day, I see everything, I notice everything from the tiny spider building it's web on my bookshelf, to the tiny piece of paper hiding under the sofa - only difference it i can't remember it all the time and I get totally over whelmed by all the different stimuli (both real, cognitive and imagined) and often shoot myself in the foot lol.
I'll be honest, I don't often watch TV - if i do I like shows like criminal minds or containment or OUAT, stuff that feeds my brain some. But I saw the add for this on youtube and was like, that looks familiar - now I've watched 2 episodes and the film lol. Fascinating stuff -
What are others thoughts?
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 22, 2016 17:58:30 GMT
I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown, everytime I step away from the edge something happens to push my closer. It's scaring me.
But I'm not unhappy, I could never be unhappy. I've got to see this situation through now as best as I can, but next time it'll be different.
My OH doesn't understand how my brain works per say, he knows nothing about ADHD or anything like that. But he saw me yesterday as i was struggling to get the exams done (I managaed to get all but 2 done and now I have another 27 to do by Sunday, these are my last ones) and he saw that it was all too much for me.
One of his bosses (whom I'm deeply ashamed to say that I dislike her alot - she's extremely disorganised and then blames it on us or someone else, but we still end up having to work harder to fix her mistakes - how she ever got the position I'll never know, all training and no skill), has been emailing lots of different lists about the same learners, but if we send our one database (which I created so I think it's great lol. Got the names of each learner by day and class - 4 classes each day, 4 days a week - 128 learners in total- it's got a set of information in line with each name of when they sat each exam, when each exam was submitted, if it's a pass mark, etc. - and it's colour coded also with a clear key that even my OH - who isn't good at databases - can easily read) but nope, not good enough for the boss lady who wants all the submitted learners on this list and all the maths on another and all the english completes on another and all the english uncompletes on another and another list for those as need to resit exams or those who've not yet done exams and the list of lists goes on.
Why can't they have a centralised system where the learner details (ref #, DOB, etc that is needed for exam paperwork) is there along with dates of exams taken and submitted by us, then IVed by them, etc. Whenever I get a pile of exams I tick the name off on my register as having sat the exam, i then colour code it to say if they've pass or fail andf then say if they've been submitted and when. It takes two seconds to do with each exam as you go.
I'm also sick of them loosing the paperwork we send in. They email today to say that our submssion sheet and what they're reading dont match! Every year the loose something - we've had to re-enrol 4 learners cos they lost the paper work for them, so they've had to be enrolled the same time they are doing their exams - it's rediculus.
Plus, when my OH went back to working for them, it was under the agreement that he'd have autonamy to work as he does best, so that he doesn't have to rely on me so much, instead they send a translator who keeps reporting back to the boss lady about every little thing and she's being a total pain about it. I don't blame the tranlastor, she doesn't want to loose her job, but the boss lady needs to get her act together.
Anyway, vent over (for now lol) - my OH is now thinking of taking up taxi drivng or something for a year or so, leaving this job after the next project. SO that I can focus on the school and our kids more. I've literally been sick from the stress of all this and he feel horrid, but with his broken hand it can't do all this by himself. What he can do, he has done, but even with his fully working hand and my ADHD, I'm still faster then him.
I had a moment of hyperfocus yesterday morning, I was able to do 12 exams in 2 hours! But afterwards i was more tired then I could fathom and it took me an 7 more hours to do the other 18.
I'm procrastinating today ;-( Got to be up early in the morning for a dentist appointment I'm dreading - my plan is to relax tonight (cos my brain needs a rest really bad) and get back to it tomorrow after I get back. It's the only option open to me at this stage, I'm so wiped out lol.
But i'm still happy - I went out with my boys and had fun. hoping to enjoy the trip out tomorrow also :-) keeping optimistic about everything - I'm a determined optimist lol ;-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 22, 2016 12:16:22 GMT
I'm aiming for this to be a light hearted post to share little things that effect or trigger our wandering brains :-) a bit of fun really (and I guess a semi-vent lol).
When you're working in a room with someone and your trying to focus. They look up at you and say the first three or four words of a sentence or questions then stop and say 'never mind, we've got to focus' and go back to their work.
I can't focus now! My brain is now running over every possible end to your comment or question!
It would be less interruptive and distracting to just say the full sentence then follow with ' oh we can talk about it later' then to just leave it hanging.
And when you say something you get told to focus!!!
I told my oh I'm gonna buy a sponge brick that I can throw at him next time he does this lol
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 22, 2016 8:35:55 GMT
When you look at a piece of paper you're meant to be writing on and a tumbleweed rolls through the plains of your brain
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 21, 2016 6:46:21 GMT
So, I did 11 (really 21) out of 23 (really 33) exams. I have 12/13 left to do.
I've fed my lad, just having a breakfast now and the baby is in his cot with a sleepy daddy. My 3 yr old hasn't woken up yet but when he does ge can feed and dress himself which my guidance.
So it's back to the grind stone.
After the sorrow of last night my OH told me to stop where I was and go to bed, I didn't sleep well but whenever the baby started crying or when my 3 yr old had a night mare - my OH was right there in seconds to tend to them so I could sleep. that means alot to me. Especially as I know he has to work late tonight then drive to London afterwork. So him taking this interrupted sleep for me, so that I'm better rested, means a lot.
So, I've been awake for a while now, and I've organised everything so I can just get on and do as needs be. At the very east I should get these 12/3 done today.
I'm trying to stay positive and not stress or panic - but inside I'm all tense and confused.
It helps when I'm on my own working - cos then I can talk to myself and/or imagine I'm doing something else to distract myself lol - In my imagination i'm sat on a beach in the sun and dipping my toes in the water while I casually work away (in reality I'm writing each paragraph as fast as I can and getting crapped wrists lol) - I prefer the beach lol :-) though I probably sound very disasociated lol ;-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 20, 2016 21:34:53 GMT
I feel so defeated just when I start feeling like I'm in control of this bloody stuff, despite the hour and how tired I am, we get an email from the IV pointing out some mistakes I've made - now I have to recheck EVERYTHING that I've got here - which is around 200 exams! There is no way I'll make a total deadline of tomorrow 3pm when I'm barely half way through the ones I've got here already and I've got another 20-30 coming in the morning. I have a second deadline of Monday for any I don't do today/tomorrow, plus the 20/30 so that will come in on Thursday night/Friday morning. So it's not the end of the world is I can;t do everything by tomorrow, but I had hoped to have the weekend with my boys. Oh well, I'll take them somewhere special next week as a treat. ALways look on the bright side of life right ...
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 20, 2016 16:59:20 GMT
Time to get back to work :-( I've been putting it off and off. I hope my kids fall asleep soon cos I need to be able to focus (normal bedtime is at 8)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 20, 2016 14:12:53 GMT
In the end I did some exams but couldn't think or write and it was stressing me til I wanted to cry. My oh told me to put it down and sort the children out first. So I played games withthe kids and iI'm feeling a little better now but I know it's only a temporary relief I'm glad all the same. I still can't think right and I'm all stressedan panicky about deadline dates and such. But my oh says to just do what I can and not worry. I try. He's really worried. Today he turned to me and asked ' do I put to much on you? ' while i was in the height of my stress and I said "right now i want to say yes" i probably really hurt his feelings. He doesn't know what to do and I can't talk to him cos when I try my toubge gets tight and doesn't work. I realised something today. Last time things got this bad inside my head I lost my house and job :-( so I'm super scared. But I'll keep plowing on, one foot in front of the other, cos nothing stays down for long and the more I try the more I'll find a way back up. I just don't know who I'll be when that happens :-(
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 20, 2016 7:43:55 GMT
And today I've got 25 exams to do.
My OH says to be this morning - 'don't worry, you've got until tomorrow' but he conveniently seemed forget that tomorrow I'll have even more to do, and tomorrow i'll have a deadline of 3pm. SO that doesn't reduce my stress levels 1 iota.
Sorry about the vent. Just feeling grumpy today.
would you beleive it took me 7 trys to type the letter 'the' just now - how dumb is that :-(
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 20, 2016 7:39:35 GMT
I just want to quit, or throw a paddy or something.
On th eoutsde i look very calm and collected,, my voice even tempered, my feet (for ones) stationary (they're normally tap tap tapping away).
vut insde I'm scream crying. I don't want to do anymore. I'm sick and tired of the stress, I can't cope anymore. Having to pretend like I'm normal, having to think about so much. My brain is physically painful every single bloodly day and more so when under stress or strain as I have been of late. I've got bags under my eyes that make me look like a panda with a broken nose. I've hardly slept in weeks and when I do sleep all I'm dreaming about is bloodly paperwork.
I just want to live simply. I just want to wake up in a morning and having nothing more to worry about then house and herth.
But when my OH asks if I'm okay (only he seems to be able to see the stressed me but I don't think he understands), I say 'yeah, I'm fine' when we both know I'm not. But this is a part of my brain that is so deeply locked away that I can't do anything about it, I can't verbalise this part of me. it's too deeply buried under 'mute and distract - don't let anyone see how broken you are' that I'm drowning in my own poison and I feel completely useless.
I know me. I know that I won't quit, I'll keep going 'til I can't go no more. But I'll get more emotional and stressed the more I do. I don't know any alternative, this is the only way I know to be and I hate myself for being so useless.
Once, ages back, in a moment of stress and frustration on his part, my OH uttered the words "other women can handle housework, children and full time jobs, so can you." he didn't mean it, and has said a great many more positive and supportive things. But that's always played in my mind like an deal I'm meant to achieve. I'll never be that good.
I feel so lost and alone in my wide expanse of brain. And I'm oh so tired. just now my OH came through and asked how i was. I told him that I'm sad because this work stresses me out, he asked why it stresses me out and to not worry and just do what I can. But he's gone back to bed and I'm crying over my laptop (not heavy crying, I don't want to upset my boys).
I've got nappies, breakfasts and dinner to make. The older kids will be coming over which means more cooking and cleaning which I don't mind but I can't cope with picking up and putting down stuff like this.
I can't keep doing my OH work for him. And now I'm scared we'll never open this school because it all rely on me creating the curriculum and policies needed. It's also my job to find funding.
My family is going to suffer because of how useless I am :-(
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 20, 2016 7:10:52 GMT
Hi and welcome
It's very difficult when people are criticising you. I can relate.
I remeber how in secondary scholl my teachers would all comment about how smart I am, that I know every answer int he book, but that my work is extremely poor quality. They started calling me lazy and I started not giving a darn. In the end I got not useable GCSEs and way too much headache. I struggled through the early years of college, where I studiied chidlcare at first. Again, I knew all the answers, got amazing feedback from placement settings (one actually hired me off the books lol) nut my work quality didn't match. Some teachers thought I was just lazy, yet I had the other students coming to me for help on things. Otherwise I was alone.
I went then needed a break from the stress but had no skills for work, so I took a year of drama college. It was fun and I had skill but it was boring, nothing to interest me and all the people just sapped at my energies all day long. I tried going back to childcare but dropped out when I lived on the streets. I ended up on benefits, looking for work and no one would hire me. I did do part time nannying on the side though - I knew my aim was to be a mother.
I finally went to one college, Northern college in Barnsley. where I told them that I had potential Learning difficulties and possible undiagnosed issues that resulted in my being seen as inattentive, disruptive or closed off. There were times at college where I would be so socially overwhelmed that I simply couldn't function properly, would zone out and not answer questions to talk to anyone. My closest comrade in college was a deaf lass and she'd try to cover for me as best as she could.
It was mentioned once, when I was zoned out and people didn't think I was listening to them talk about me, that I might have autism. I'd had the same thing suggested in my primary years also. Personally I assume I've more ADHD then autistic, but I don't know how linked the two are. I'm undiagnosed and don't plan to seek diagnosis as I'm not good with stress and very defensive of questions. Plus I'm fearful of being labeled with a mental health issues.
I only say all this to show you that you're not alone by any means.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 20, 2016 6:47:53 GMT
Bless you marionk it can be frustrating to get mixed messages. I think a part of why ADHD (and other 'disorders') are so hard to diagnosis is because of how similar they all are, it's hard to tell them apart and Drs don't want to call anyone by one label without being sure that's the correct label. Maybe see if there are any symptoms that differ between the two, then see which you have more off. There is nothing so amazingly complex and mysterious as the human brain. We can travel through space and time, dig to great depths, fly and swim and sail. But out of 7 billion of us of thousands of years, no one has ever been able to understand our brain, least of all it's programming ;-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 19, 2016 20:36:22 GMT
Oh my word I made so many mistakes on the paperwork today, I've lost count of the number of text my OH has sent me to check details and ask after things I missed.
fortunately i haven't put the wrong details down, I just missed lots of stuff.
And what does my OH say to me - no worries, thanks for what you could do.
I'm so blessed. Just knowing that my mistake hasn't cost the earth is helping me relax a little.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 19, 2016 19:05:51 GMT
I fed the boys on left overs and I'm gonna start cooking once I've rested a little, I've just put my boys to bed (I can hear them playing in the bedroom) and my head is killing me lol.
i'm also trying to diet but keep breaking down halfway through the day and quiting my diet :-( Still, tomorrow is a new and more stressful day so i'm sure I'll do better.
I'm only thinking about time with my OH because I'm stressed over these ruddy exams that all sorts of random stuff seem to take up worry space inside my brain to drve me crazy. Which is unhelpful as I'm trying to focus.
My OH saw how stressed I was this morning and how much stuff I missed --- he's at working filling in the bits I missed on his break :-( So he's told me that tomorrow I don't have to rush to get them all ready before 3, just to do what I can.
Tomorrow we have the older kids coming over for a while which is super exciting and I can't wait to see them. Though cooking for them is an extra stress ontop of all these exams. I'm not happy with the situation but I am happy with life.
Roll on next wekk when I'll be back to stressing over resources again :-( I can't wait to go to bed tonight. Once i've cooked I'm off to lalaland lol.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 19, 2016 16:48:36 GMT
I'll be honest, now you've got my brain thinking over the idea with the basic knowledge I have of genetics and nureo-science. It does seem logical s a slightly depressive way. But there are so very many variable that could contribute to tumor development, possibly including adhd, but also including sugary foods, preservatives in the diet, etc. ANy number of things.
it's fasinating to think about.
I'll confess I often worry about my boys developing a brain like mine, especally as during my pregnancies witht hem I was so very sick they might not have had all the nutrients they needed. but there is little I can do about it alas :-)
Thanks for the brain food ;-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 19, 2016 15:46:18 GMT
To my wholly unqualified experience and research, illnesses and conditions of a certain type are more prone in families with others with risk factors. However, there isn't enough evidence or sutidies done to tell for sure and a great many factors could contribute that aren't assessed (such as environment, in-feto nutrients, ansestory dna, modern chemical effects, diets, weather, etc.)
For example - my grandma, granddad and uncle all have/had cancer. My Uncle got brain cancer. Mother suffers from "chronic depression" and my brother has eperlepscy, "server learning difficulties" and terrible narcissism (not the generally acceptable kind). My other uncle has diabetes, possible cancer and is nearly fully blind. My mum has early onsent arthritis and many other issues also (most due to weight and diet in truth). I can't say if they're all linked or correlated, nor can anyone.
Sorry for the long answer - in short, it's extremely difficult to accurately tell if such ailments run in families.
hope this helps :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 19, 2016 15:38:07 GMT
It should be fine to ask for a small break between. you can always chalk it upto nerves or something if needs be, go powder your noise or seek a glass of water. No one will mind I'm sure.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 19, 2016 15:35:22 GMT
I'm so glad that Dr ********* was good and respectful to you ;-) I hope this is the start of an upward trend :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 19, 2016 15:29:04 GMT
Todays exams are finished and marked but i'm all stressed out still 'cause tomorrows exams will be more - only had 18 to do today.
I was up at 6 this morning and i'm so tired and flustered. Got to cook but really don't want too.
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