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Post by Wavey75 on Oct 21, 2014 9:34:29 GMT
I have a friend of mine from university that does something that confuses and frustrates me greatly and I really want to know why.
He’s 10 years older than me, less technically minded, but still we’ve been doing the same courses now for 4 years and with another 2 years to go, there’s going to me more contact between us.
He lives near me, been to my house, and I to his, etc. But he works in a local university and when we have studying or assignments to work through we’ve often met up there in a classroom and I’ve gone through the technical stuff on the whiteboard for him, whig has helped him greatly and re-enforced my understanding and given me a little experience teaching, as it’s something I’m considering doing after I complete my studies.
We’ve socialised afterwards, but our partners haven’t met and it’s doubtful they ever will as my family have heard our phone conversations and they’re not interested, perhaps his family have heard mine and aren’t interested either, who knows.
The problem is that he has Facebook & email, a smart phone and a house phone and when I try them all to get in touch with him during times I know he’s free, he doesn’t answer me back, he goes quiet or shits himself off.
A few weeks later he’ll ring me out of the blue and carry on like nothing’s happened and we’ll have a conversation, again where he’ll suggest meeting up and I’ll agree, then when it comes time to firm up a date, he says he’ll ring me and then the cycle starts again.
I think I’ve been used in the past as he’s needed my help to get through his assignments, but he’s been as much of a benefit to me as I have to him. He’s constantly thanking me for my help and telling me things like if it wasn’t for me, he’d have no chance at his degree, something I agree with as he’s made a few blunders and often ignored my advice which has turned out to be right every time.
This is a type of person, but what type of person is this and what’s the problem, why does he cut himself off from the world, I’ve had the chance to ask him and he goes quiet and says he doesn’t know why in a soft voice, which is unusual for him as he’s often talking so much I think he loves the sound of his own voice.
I’d really like some help figuring this guy out, he’s not my boyfriend! but I don;t understand this guy and I think I keep in tough with him because I can’r figure him out and my curiosity has now taken over and he’s a puzzle for me to solve, rather than a fair weather friend or acquaintance.
I've considered he might be on the ADHD or ASD spectrum, but he'd never consider it, he thinks my diagnosis is a mistake - he says I'm too intelligent to have any disabilities, etc. I know this is pure ignorance to invisible disabilities, but there you go, older generation and there set ways.
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Awards
Sept 20, 2014 11:29:25 GMT
Post by Wavey75 on Sept 20, 2014 11:29:25 GMT
Hi PlanetDave,
me too.
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Awards
Sept 19, 2014 14:19:58 GMT
Post by Wavey75 on Sept 19, 2014 14:19:58 GMT
Dear All,
I don't think this "idea" will move on to be implemented, based on the replies here, so no need to panic.
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Post by Wavey75 on Sept 17, 2014 17:29:38 GMT
Thanks Dave, very insightful.
It's a system that has been used in other situations to encourage members to increase their activity and thought into what they might advise others and it has created a closer community and I can recall one in particular where it expanded into a face to face dinner and dance once a year.
I do understand the other side, where anyone can inflict their negativity into the well-intended idea and it quickly changes into something hurtful and beyond.
To not suggest an idea is to censor and stamp out creative thinking and I'm pissed off by the tone of ABD's response. If this was unintentional on their part then this post will draw their attention to it.
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Awards
Sept 17, 2014 8:18:51 GMT
Post by Wavey75 on Sept 17, 2014 8:18:51 GMT
Good point Petra, well put and kept in the spirit it was meant to be in, one of discussion.
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Post by Wavey75 on Sept 16, 2014 23:56:40 GMT
Hi Abd,
You may or may not be aware, but this was a suggested idea, a concept, something to be discussed and further developed. You also nay or may not be aware that your reply reads like an attack and only focuses on negativity and isn't helpful in the slightest.
Maybe try discussion before judgement.
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Awards
Sept 16, 2014 16:09:47 GMT
Bee likes this
Post by Wavey75 on Sept 16, 2014 16:09:47 GMT
I think it would be nice to have a kind of Awards thingy for this true online community for the various sorts of activities such as "Most nominated contributor for positive advice" or "Most improved since diagnosis" and "Biggest achievement in Charity work for ADHD recognition, etc."
It would be every quarter (3 months) and have categories and everyone here would nominate a member (not guests as that would leave a big whole for fixing lol) which would encourage more users to sign up or join and the winners would receive an avatar with the title of their award on it, just as a nice thing to do to include everyone and give recognition to us all and to cheer people up, after all everyone's loves a good party, don't they?
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Post by Wavey75 on Sept 16, 2014 11:54:07 GMT
Hi Mypineappledream, I liked reading that you also feel the same way about babies and the lack of interest, that’s reinforcing my views that I’m not broken, just not interested and that’s ok to be that way. I joint the conversation when I can, when it’s about buying a load of crap that’s just not needed yet, I would prefer to just put that money to one side, then when the baby actually arrives, order it online and get it sent next day delivery, which would probably be free based on the sheer volume that would make up the order, instead of buying it all in bits, cluttering up space and then having to move it all with your furniture and stuff, madness. She hasn’t bought anything because it’s in the sale or a lower price temporarily, it’s like she’s buying the latest accessories for her Malibu Stacey dream house (Simpsons reference lol). In other words, it’s the latest dolly or toy for her and it looks to me like she hasn’t really thought that this is not just for Christmas, but for the rest of her life. Hi DKL, As you know I’m just about to finish my 7th part time year doing my degree (and I’m planning to repeat a couple of those years as I now get extra exam time and it will beef up my projected 2:2 up to a 2:1 or a 1st) and I have found a great place for advice on what careers to undertake, nationalcareersservice.direct.gov.uk/Pages/Home.aspx this place is great, so much information there to suit all situations, it’s a huge depository of information, which is specific to the UK. As far as the whole nursing career for her goes, I am leaving it alone for her to come to me, no more offering to anyone from me anymore, it’s not appreciated and interpreted as being forceful or aggressive. I love Nurse Jackie by the way, but I thought that was about a nurse struggling with addiction, set in a New York ER. I don’t see how this translates to the UK as the US have a very different system when it comes to healthcare. However, I recently experienced the A&E department where I attended with my wife who was in such pain from 48 hours plus of vomiting and diarrhoea. She was emotionally breaking down and crying because the place was very busy on a Friday night about 5:30pm and even when our GP had advised us that she would fax a letter to the medical team so we wouldn’t have to wait, we still did, although after a few visits to the window kiosk from myself we waited less than 20 minutes for a triage nurse. We were sent round to a cubical, where a trainee nurse came around to place her cannula for fluids as she was very dehydrated, but then we waited 2 hours for a doctor who examined her for 5 minutes and then sent someone round with pain killers. Another 2 hours later she was moved up to a ward. In this experience I felt that the nurses we encountered were blunt and not very professional, but then I know that my local hospital have been severely under pressure with many cutbacks and layoffs throughout the NHS trust and it shows, lots. I feel so bad for saying this about Nurses, I know it’s not their fault. Imagine your job was so demoralising and everyday you were beaten down by your seniors telling you how to do every little thing and that you have to account for every minute of the day or you don’t get paid, which doesn’t included the time you spend writing this bloody reports justifying your job and your time, which is another full time job in itself! I’d have told them to stick the job up there arses on day 3!
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Post by Wavey75 on Sept 8, 2014 21:05:17 GMT
Then the car alarm that was advertised in gremlins 2 seems fitting - step on your porch and receive a 20,000 volt shock!
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Post by Wavey75 on Sept 7, 2014 12:43:14 GMT
Hi Greensquare,
I was actually going to post here yesterday to ask for an update on your situation, but got side-tracked, still the thought was there! ;-)
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Post by Wavey75 on Sept 2, 2014 17:57:07 GMT
Hi Chrysallis,
Yes, being a Doctor was realistic, as she wasn't pregnant at the time and had the grades. Anything is possible, all you need to do is work hard for it. I'm not in mourning for the life I wanted her to have, that ship has sailed and I've thought from when she was much younger that she was the one who would end up in this situation. I don't feel sad about "missing out on babies", to me they are uninteresting and high maintenance and as I'm in a minority there will always be someone who wants to do the whole baby stuff thing. They're are lots of people who aren't interested in the toddler stages I am interested in, the teaching and shaping young minds, etc. and I'm happy with that.
Wavey75
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Post by Wavey75 on Sept 2, 2014 11:51:04 GMT
Hi Chrysallis,
What really worries me is that I;m right about my opinion changing when the baby does come. I know I'm right because I have no interest in babies, they're hard work and you get nothing back IMHO. When you can interact with the and watch them learning and making choices and decisions, now that's very interesting, but years away from this point in my life.
I've been told al my life "Other people's babies are never as interesting as when it's your own..." - which also drives me up the wall!!! if I thought my opinion would change if it was my own, I'd say it for myself.
Unfortunately, I know me better than anyone else in this regard and knowing me, I'm probably right when it comes to an annoying thing I regard as a lead weight around my daughter's neck while she's wading in water. She'll have no chance of a mic big house and lots of holidays in her 2nd home with plenty of money - all of which was possible when she told us she wanted to be a Doctor.
I;m certain my opinion on this won't be shared, but please don't waste your time trying to convince me I'm wrong on this, I;m secretly hoping I am wrong, because if I'm not my daughter will be unhappy for the rest of her life.
Wavey1975
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 29, 2014 11:24:28 GMT
Hi DKL,
I don't know what the situation is in other parts of the UK, but here for volunteering there are too many and lots of waiting lists for a spot to volunteer in the NHS, the local council and other desirable areas.
Healthcare worker roles are like school positions - the are gold-dust in Devon. There was a position for a receptionist in a local school here and there were 6,000 applicants for it. At one point (2000-2005 approx.), Paignton in Devon had the highest number of teenage pregnancies in the UK.
She has had treatment for anger & depression and during her self harm phase, she discovered she had anxiety issues. Personally, I do think she does suffer with some sort of neuro diversity, but suggesting it starts rows between my wife and I and as I've already said she just doesn't hear what I say concerning her life, so I don't say it anymore, not since I developed the skill of 'letting go" thanks to my Concerta XL.
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 27, 2014 23:35:39 GMT
Hi Blaze,
I've tried re-phrasing things to her over the years in many different ways, but it all leads down the same path - she switches off and says I;m lecturing, dictating or just refuses to listen because it's something she doesn't want to hear about. For example, she has had a relationship with a boy for over 4 years, she moved out of this house to live with her father because we didn't support the long distance relationship as he was some stranger who happened across her facebook and added her, this led to him visiting, her sleeping with him and when her father kicked her out of the unconverted garage she was forced to live in after he moved from a house where she had a bedroom to a smaller house where she lived in a garage, when she came to live with us (because she had no choice) we said this boy could stay for a few mights with her and all they did was fight and argue, all this boy ever does is manipulate her by telling her how she should think and she feeds on it, it's madness.
When she moved in with him at the end of October last year, by January this year she was begging to move back home because he had verbally, physically and sexually abused her, less than 3 months later, she's back in a relationship with him, only this time she's a couple of months pregnant and planning on raising this baby with him as he's sterile, allegedly.
Yes there's a right way and a wrong way for everyone. There's always a starting point and a destination, A to B. no matter what route is taken, you will always start form A and arrive at B. But choices are reduced based upon many varying factors, not all paths are open to everyone. So, if all paths are closed except one, that's the right one. if all are closed except 3 paths, then it's a process of elimination - which ones the best fit, the more expensive one? the quickest one? the safest one? the one that ticks all the boxes,? etc. you get the idea that by weighing things up it filters away any paths that are unsuitable, or another phrase would be that they are wrong.
I wanted all 3 of my children to go to university, get a degree in anything I told them, so long as you get a degree. I have had managers in IT who are managers not because they know what they are doing, or because they are so technically skilled or minded, but because they had a degree - one of which had an English language degree and he was the manager of the help desk, mad, but the way large companies and the public sector behave.
So far 2 out of 3 have passed on university and it looks like youngest is also going to follow her sisters in that regard, but I've come to terms with it. I respect that your university experience was not all parties and glamour and that you say it was not enjoyable, but that path is not for everyone.
With the Open University, you can get an open degree, which is 60 points less than a BA or a BSc and it's in a 2nd subject, so you have a major and a minor, sort of like 2 thirds qualified in one and a 3rd in another subject. That's all you need really, plus it doesn't limit you to just one subject which makes it versatile and flexible to suit most needs.
The idea of participating in some sort of mum to be club or coffee morning is nauseating to me - I find the conversations about baby merchandise annoying enough without having to hear it in 12.1 surround sound! lol
Having no idea what a sure start centre was, I googled it and found one in my area. The information i read about this tells me it's for after the baby's born and to be fair her mother will be more excited about attending this kind of thing with her, so it would be best of I didn't step on anyone else's toes - highly convenient that is too!
I was a qualified red cross first aider (expired now) and I know my daughter is interested in training to be a medical practitioner of some sort, from paramedic to a doctor, so heath wise I think we'll be covered.
It will get easier with time, but that time is like 2 years away from now and it's getting harder and harder to ignore the IQ reducing baby talk, I feel myself getting dumber whenever I end up trapped within earshot of these conversations about baby names, baby clothes, baby, baby, baby, blah, blah, blah!
And the worst thing is my fab Bose super-comfortable in-ear earphones are falling apart, so soon I'll have nothing to help me tune out the white noise :-(
Wavey75
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 27, 2014 22:16:05 GMT
Thank you Petra, that makes me feel much more human than I did and less A.I. than I suspected.
Shapes, I will feel 100% less upset, because I;m not upset now. I was pissed off with her decision, but it's taken me a long time to accept that it's her decision, not mine. I;m no longer upset about any part of it, I;m concerned that my family think of me like some sort of Android because I;m so not interested in anything baby related, and I could not care less about the while subject.
I've told them all that I've asked around in my 'group' and I've had some surprising responses, but the outcome appears that my lack of interest is down to being male, having ADHF and somewhere in there is residual anger towards her regarding her future, but it will pass, just as my anger regarding her stupid decision to have a baby.
Wavey75
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 27, 2014 20:22:12 GMT
Hi Blaze,
Don;t know how I feel about it, or much else for that matter. I feel let down and disappointed that she's made the decisions she has made and frustrated that I don't understand why she won't hear my advice, but I can't communicate any of that - her mother has pretty much done that already.
Wavey75
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 27, 2014 18:08:33 GMT
Hi Blaze,
Ok, so it’s an abortion pill she had the choice of, fine, but I’ll never see it as anything other than “her choice”, so agree to disagree.
Emotional support, I don’t understand my own emotions at the best ofttimes, so offering it out is like asking me what the Chinese guy just said in Mandarin - I don’t speak Mandarin.
Who said anything about a career defining degree, or any degree for that matter? a Higher Education Diploma can be good enough for any office job where your not passed over for advancement in the workplace due to lack of academic qualifications, etc.
I’ not pushing her towards this path, but she has a responsibility to provide for her family now and some kind of formal qualification provides the most opportunities, even with the many graduates out there who are unemployed or doing jobs that aren’t in their field of study.
My argument her is one of economics. Would you pay £500 for a sofa now that you can use for 12 months and then it will fall apart? Or, you could wait and use these chairs for less, but after a 3 years your new sofa will be £100?
Obviously the 2nd deal is the better one and so the right one. The right choice for her to make is to get qualifications while her child is growing up so that when he starts school she has the ability and potential to provide finical and emotional support because she won’t be struggling to get by, like she would if she goes straight into work after the baby’s born.
Yes I’m worried for her. I’m not disappointed with her, she’s made her choice, but I would expect her to make the most of her situation and not to make decisions that will make her already difficult path harder than it needs to be.
Figure out how to communicate what to her blaze?
She doesn’t listen to the words coming out of my mouth, even though she’s still sat there. This is a problem she has had for many years and it’s from the past, where prior to diagnosis and treatment I would repeat myself saying the same things over and over again without realising it, but now I do much better because of my concerts, but she still sees me as the same old lecturer, so I lave these conversations for her to have with her mother alone, that way I’m not hindering the outcome of any practical advice, advice that she will still ignore and won’t explain why.
Anyone can be right bout another’s life if that person is in the wrong, for example committing murder is wrong and they are judged in our society by others. An extreme example but you did pose the question how can someone be right about someone else and here’s your answer.
I haven’t told her anything of what I have written here regarding my negative thoughts, feelings and comments with one or two exceptions such as when I revealed how I felt about the baby in the beginning and I have told everyone that I am not a baby person and I am worried I will accidentally drop / scald / forget about or cut the baby through some clumsiness or just carelessness and so it’s better that I have no contact until the baby is old enough to walk to me and walk away, etc.
I have no councillor or friend I can talk to locally, no Blaze. I refer to this forum as my group. It’s the place I go to discuss my problems and things like this where I’m stuck and I don;t see what the problem is and it’s helped me so, so much. I have my final degree assignment to complete in 6 weeks and then I start my learning all about ADHD course (I’ve got like 13 books to go through)
I’m hoping by the end of reading my ADHD literature I will understand me more, then I can hopefully make improvements, but until then I’ll have to wait.
I think I’ve pretty much worked it out, I;m male, I have DHD and this explains why I;m just not interested in anything baby-related. There maybe some part that’s anger and disappointment like ContraryMary suggested (quite insightful by the way), but I will not hold him responsible, so eventually that will disappear as I interact with him, but I intend to make as am nay excuses as I can so as not to say what’s in my head which is “No, take him away form me please, not interested, busy!” or some other comments that will cause uproar and upset.
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 27, 2014 17:15:26 GMT
Hi ContraryMary,
you are right about how I feel and I have a;ready admitted that a part of this could well be as you describe my anger and disappointment all tangled up with my feelings regarding the baby, but I must make one correction, she didn’t make the mistake of getting pregnant on her own, it takes two to tango and to lay the blame solely at any girl’s feet is wrong. The father in this case said from the very start “don’t have it, don’t want nothing to do with it” which I respect as it’s honest.
As far as I;m concerned I thought I had let go of my anger. I’ve seen the ultra sound pictures and I can’t see a baby anywhere, the most recent one I could make out a baby shaped cloud, but so what, big deal, it’s still not a baby until it’s born - that’s my view and nothing will change that ever. you are entitled to disagree, as does my wife and daughter, but my view still stands it’s an embryo until it’s born and that’s all I intend to say about it.
The only anger I feel about this situation is her total pig-headedness when it comes to reason and logic concerning what comes after the baby’s born, as I’ve already detailed above.
I stated my opinions very early on and it was made clear to me that they were not shared, so I keep my mouth shut and I do not participate in any baby related conversations.
I’ve already detailed how I am supporting her, which is no different than how I would support her if she was married with a professional career, to use an old fashioned example.
Celebrate? Forgiven? WTF? - completely lost here.
Most of what you’ve written is what I already know and reads like a lot of that touchy-feely stuff that councillors spout off at you when there’s really nothing else to be said, etc. (sox, ContraryMary, but it’s how it sounds to me)
At the beginning I told her that it wa her decision wether or not to have the baby and that I would tell her how I felt when she made her decision, so as I didn’t influence her decision as she had a few days to decide. When she decided to keep it, I told her that I was 50:50 split on the idea - half of me wanted her to terminate, go travel, see the world, get an education and live her live, while the other half wanted to experience the grandparent days while still young enough to be active with a young child, but I was never interested in baby’s - I had no idea that every conversation in this house is about the baby - it’s like a bloody obsession, it’s like mateo have released the latest barbie and the catalogue of accessories are out so they gotta go out and buy them, just for the sake of hainvg them!
Hi DKL,
I think I’ve replied to most of what you have said. The things I want to reply to you’ve said are:
Focusing on negatives in life is what I do in ALL situations, I;m never let down if I;m right and if I’m wrong it’s bonus! Babies to me all look the same, they all eat, sleep, shit and make a shit load of noise - thank god I have a shed lol. I accept that she will have the opportunity the learn while she is raising a child of her own, but not if she is working full time, which is what I’m so frustrated with her for, she thinks that she can get a full time job and rely on others to help look after the baby while she works, but in reality the DWP will not accept us looking after him, so she will have the only option of paying a child minder, and she will have to pay them unto an extra 2 hours more than she works everyday to allow time for her to finish work and collect him and vice versa. Because she has no experience, qualifications above BTEC firsts and no savings, if she gets a full time job she will most likely be stuck wiring 40 hours a week eating not much over minimum wage.
With bills and rent to pay on top of this, and the income from child benefit and working tax credit, any money left will go towards paying for childcare. The government are very keen to get single out of work parents into work, so as an incentive they offer childcare vouchers while you work, but these vouchers can only be used to pay licences, qualified services, which cost more and these vouchers don’t pay for everything, only for 60% of the costs.
Oh yeah and I forgot, that’s only for up to the 1st 12 months of returning to work, then that financial support is gone.
If she does distance learning while he’s growing up, she’ll have years of training by the time he’s at school full time, leaving her opportunities much wider as she could work full time in a job that’s also term time or a job that has flex hours, meaning she doesn’t pay for child support at all as he’l be at school and because she would have qualifications her earnings would be higher than the national wage.
My problem here is, she will not accept this is being the situation, she won’t explain why this is not what she wants to do, only that this is not an option and that she will be going straight into work, full time after the baby’s born. This is madness, but I haven’t mentioned it again.
I’ll keep keeping my big fat yap shut and I haven’t had much of anything to discuss with her over the last 4 or 5 months, but that’s better than it used to be, as before my diagnosis, we would both clash and row a lot, but since my concerts I have been able to control myself and when she gets on one of her rants, her mother deals with it, which is best for everyone all round as I have a temper and I can be mean, never physical, always verbally. I’ve been labelled acid-tongue once or twice.
Wavey75
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 27, 2014 10:53:37 GMT
It wasn't 5 weeks then, she could take a pill that has 2 parts, with the 2nd to be taken 48 hours after the first, I think this pill can be taken up to the 28th day? something like that, but it's the point that she chose this path.
I haven't said she's choosing a life on benefits because there's no point, she will not hear it, so there's no point in trying.
In my opinion yes she is choosing a life on benefits, because there are people out there with post graduate qualifications who are finding it tough to get a job, 1000's of financial professionals that lost their jobs in the melting pot that was our economy in 2010 who are still unemployed or who work 2 or more jobs to stay afloat.
Why on earth would anyone choose to start their life as an adult with a noose around their neck?
If you wanted to boil water, you would use a pot or heat proof container, because that's the sensible way to do it. If you are at the start of your life and have a choice, to have a child or not to have a child, then the simplest, sensible and most responsible choice is not to have a baby at that time.
It is my opinion that she is wrong about going into work full time once the baby is born. This is counter productive because your earnings aren't yours because you are essentially working to pay for someone else to look after your child, so why work at all when you could be at home with your child and be financially better off and qualify for financial assistance with further education and gain qualifications while your child is growing up, so that by the time your child starts school full time, you are then desirable to employers because you have recent qualifications and you have worked your arse off by doing this all while you have raised a baby and run a household.
This is what I have tried to encourage but she will not accept this, she thinks she can go and get a job that will sustain her and the baby and pay for all the holidays she wants and still find the money to look after the cat, the dog and the turtle tanks she has. She needs a reality check, but she turns off when I speak to her about this kind of thing, it's what she does when I'm right - it's what she does whenever any of us are telling her one of her decisions don't make sense, she just switches off, learns the hard way then 6 months later when it all goes tits up, we all say told you so and she she no one said anything, vicious circle that only she can fix as we've tried and tried until we're blue in the face.
Blaze, you've hit the nail right on the head, my family think I am not supporting her, which is why I've come here to my support group to discuss if I have a problem or if it's explained by my se and ADHD, which I'm thinking it is. I support her in the way I would support any member of my family. I have made appointments for her with the usual agencies for her to go onto the system to get a home for her and the baby, all that red tape and bureaucracy really confuses her and I'm rather good at it. Finance, I'm bloody Gandalf the white when it comes to planning money in excel, creating forecasts, suggesting budgets, disposable income plans, compound interests savings, etc. I;m completely self taught and I've had comments from bank staff in situations where for example my oldest was looking at a mortgage and wanted me there, I had to explain some of the things I was looking for to her and the mortgage advisor, that felt wicked.
Buying things for the baby and all that stuff, she has everything and has had for months, it's madness! I don't see why buying all this crap now is essential, but they've been going out and buying more and more of it - cute little outfits, wipes by the tonne and even toys! iit's total madness!
I get there's going to be some 'nesting' going on, but not before she even has a nest!
It really winds me up that she does this and won't listen to logic and resin, and still goes steam rolling into it, but the only way I have found in the past to deal with this is to just "let go" which kind of detaches me from it completely and this might also be contributing to my lack of interest, as well as already having low interest because of being male and having ADHD, add this lot together and I think i've answered my own question as to why I'm not at all interested.
Now my question is why can't I fain (pretend) interest?, because I'm convinced I won't ever be interest in a baby, toddler that's a sponge for knowledge and who ask questions, now that's what I'm looking forward to, shaping a young mind with knowledge, learning creativity and languages, I've got loads of foreign languages here ready for us to listen too together, also got an Electric Guitar to plug into the play station and Rocksmith to learn to play, and I'm going to get an electric drum kit for more learning, but together.
I'm also an engineer and I like building things, so I will get Meccano if he shows an interest (by the way, it's going to be a boy) and he's due end of November. If he wants to play with dolls for more feminine toys I have no objections, but I won't be including myself because it doesn't interest me.
Wavey75
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 26, 2014 23:02:08 GMT
Thank Shapes, but fathers and grandfathers can still want to hold the baby or play with the baby? I'm not interested at all until it's of an age where it can stand on it's own 2 feet and walk away or towards me and be able to talk and play independently (I mean, without all that baby talk and repeating yourself in that annoying tone of voice that parents often do.)
Is it an ADHD thing to not be interested? I know it's a male thing to not be interested, so if both of these statements are accurate ,then it's no wonder I'm so against doing anything with the baby, because I' an adult man with ADHD, which would explain my total lack of interest in anything to do with this bloody baby.
Now, teaching it maths, woodworking, reading or other things like that, I'm well up for, but this whole baby phase - I would rather go and stay elsewhere until it passes to be completely honest!
Wavey75
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 26, 2014 17:40:47 GMT
My 19 year old daughter is now at the 7 months pregnant mark, single with no relationship prospects or source of income and no qualifications beyond BTEC’s from school.
She has just been given a 2 bedroom flat for her and the baby to live in and she is planning to spend much of her time with us, as this flat is a short walk away from us.
My problem or worries are that I had a huge problem with this pregnancy in the first place. She tried 2 or 3 birth control types when she became sexually active and because she had difficulties with them she decided or stopped trying with it altogether.
So, when she found out she was pregnant (at about 5 weeks) she had a choice, take the morning after pill or have the baby. So, when faced with this decision, in my opinion, when she chose to keep the baby and that abortion is murder, she chose everything that came with it, e.g. “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it.”
My problem is that I am very clumsy, accident prone and absent minded and I have made it clear that I do not want to be responsible for a fragile (I know they can be tougher than tonker toys), helpless baby.
Also, I feel nothing towards it, nothing at all. And my wife is saying that I’m pushing everyone away because all they want to talk about is baby, baby, baby and I’m fed up with it and have zero interest in discussing a baby of any kind. When I came along my eldest was 9, the other 2 were 6/7 and 3 years old, so I never experienced babies, I had always assumed it was because I had not had one myself and that men just don’t feel like that towards babies, but when they’re big enough to respond to you and play with you boys or girls, then I’m interested.
So my question is, just what the fuck is wrong with me?
Am I still so angry that my daughter decided to choose the life on benefits street rather than go out and get a future with qualifications and a husband or wife?
Why does my wife look at me like I’m an Alien from another planet when I say I don;t want to do anything with it until it’s old enough, say 6 months or older, etc.
I’ve also said that I’m worried about it picking up my bad habits and I would prefer to distance myself in it’s early life as I don’t ant anyone to have to struggle as hard as I have had in my life.
Wavey75
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 23, 2014 18:04:01 GMT
Progirl,
I feel for you, I really do. If I had a magic wand and I 'zapped' your ADHD and any other problems away, I bet that these work problems would still be just that - problems. So, this is a really good thing for you, as it's the job and the situation everybody else in the NHS is in too, you're not alone.
Your workload will constantly keep growing and the time you can spend on it will fluctuate, so as long as you can justify why something hasn't been done by a deadline, there's justification for why. This should show that more beds are needed to fill a need for ease the pressure in your department, but that does not mean it will happen, only that it will means an explanation for why any of you can't manage your workload because it's unmanageable and constantly changing.
I think that fighting this situation is an un-winnable fight, and all your managers see when you ask for a different position to suit your ADHD is someone not wanting the current position their in, as they are no doubt swamped themselves.
I respect and support the work you Case Workers do, it's sometimes very difficult, emotionally draining and can be dangerous at times. The NHS is under strain in many ways and in your situation you can either deal with it in a way that suits you or keep your eye on those internal vacancies advertised within the NHS.
Im so sorry I can't offer you a solution, I really am.
Wavey75
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 23, 2014 12:34:58 GMT
Hi JJ,
I'm coming to the end of my 7th year, part time with the OU, my final 8th year will start in September, with my course starting in January 2015. I had DSA for my 1st 5 years for my hip / knee / pelvis problems and as I would not complete my 360 points in 6 years I was timed out and only received support from the access to learn finance department for the last two years.
I was told this year that because I was diagnosed with ADHD last December (this academic year) I could get DSA for ADHD on it's own, but sadly that is not the case as you can only get it once for the same qualification.
I do receive support, but I really have to fight for it and year year was the worst because they sent back my paperwork asking for very specific criteria to be met but didn't give any explanations to what it was they actually wanted. I had a telephone discussion with them which lead to them sending me and example form filled out, which I copied and pasted into my revised forms and emailed them over.
At the start of this year, the DSA office told me that ADHD is not an officially learning disability, and that's it's not officially a learning difficulty and I would get more support if I had been diagnosed with Dyslexia than ADHD. I'm a little confused by this because I think I get enough support, but then I think they might of been talking about from a stand point that didn't include my physical disabilities.
I'm going to really dig into this with them when my current course finishes, as I also plan to really hit the ADHD books too.
Wavey75
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 23, 2014 10:11:08 GMT
Hi JJ,
I've had a quick scan through your linked document, and although it covers ADHD, it's more aimed at people who do not have a formal diagnosis and who report struggling with work due to common ADHD symptoms, etc.
I was referring to the label that ADHD is given. If diagnosed with Dyslexia, according to the DSA office they have a learning difficulty, but it is not a disability. ADHD is referred to as a learning difficulty too, but it is not officially a recognised difficulty, or this is what I was advised earlier this year.
However, this whole situation interests me and I have a final assignment to complete by October 3rd, and then I will be finding out just what the stance is regarding ADHD from both the DSA and the DWP.
If someone has a source confirming this from the DWP or NICE or example, that would be greatly appreciated.
Wavey75
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 22, 2014 18:24:20 GMT
I was saying that there are more jobs in certain industries in regions than in London. I grew up in London and I know that most of the jobs their are much harder to get if you don't already live here, know someone you has influence in your firing or if you're willing to work for below minimum wage, like many EU visitors are doing so legally in Greater London.
I can provide you with details, but I'd need to know more, like where you are in the UK, county, nearest metropolis, etc. What industry do you want to work in, what qualifications do you have now? what experience, etc. these are all important when anyone is deciding on weather or not to uproot themselves and start fresh.
I will point out one thing, the friends you had will notice a difference in you and it could go either way, so consider the impact of both ways before making a final decision.
For example, in the UK car industry last quarter, there were more job vacancies in Bristol than in the whole of Greater London.
Glad to her you've done your homework, read the ADHD books and no how to list things, and break them down, etc. so why not give this a try and start your new chapter? If you believe your powerless, you will be.
Try and be a little more specific in your replies - are you up to 30 minutes outside of North or South London, etc.
I don't have anything sorted! but I can see that you maybe your own worst enemy. I've always struggled to fix my own life, but anyone else with a problem I know exactly how to fix it, what they need to do and I tell them - often gets me in trouble lol. But for myself, I have not idea where to start, so maybe this will be the nudge in the right direction you need.
Keep yer chin up and remember that nothing in life is as valuable as a life itself.
Wavey75
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 22, 2014 2:06:00 GMT
I immediately thought of injecting laxatives into it or something lol
To solve the problem, just go to eBay and paste this number in & buy it, even the light blinks!
300632360619 - £2.89
Wavey75
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 22, 2014 1:47:49 GMT
I was told that Concerta XL is also a form of anti depressant on its own, so I stopped my citalopram to start the concerta and didn't ask for a replacement that is more compatible.
I've asked for some help there and my GP. Suggested mood stabilisers, but truth be told I haven't started them yet as I am worried I'll loose all the great the concerta does for me.
Will maybe revisit this again when life's a bit less hectic.
Wavey75
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 22, 2014 1:40:18 GMT
Hi greensquare42,
I was Diagnosed last December and I'm 39 years old and living in a rural I seaside town.
I think I perceive myself as 80% fixed on average from the concerta! but the wife will tell me it's more like 50%, which fucks me off a bit! but I guess I must accept it is a good thing that I'm 50% improved, rather than focusing on the still not up to 75% or more yet! as I probably would have in this situation before Concerta XL.
From what I understand concerning DWP and support for ADHD, officially it's not a disability. In the UK, in fact, you'd get more support if you had been diagnosed with dyslexia.
I've recently been told by the Disabled Students Allowance at The Open University that ADHD is not even classed as a learning difficulty, but is almost or about to be, just not right now (if someone has some cold hard facts with links to those sources, please do. Add them).
I do get support for it, but because I was already receiving support for my physical disability, I just informed the relevant bodies to add this to my list, etc.
This year for me has been the most dramatic for changes, milestones and significant achievements as far as me making positive changes to my ADHD & ASD traits with simple mindfulness techniques I learnt years ago during pain management therapies that didn't work for me until I started taking Concerta XL.
As for your moving to London, I don't think moving without a job is a good idea, the London boroughs are pushing benefit tenants out of there homes into rural areas anyway, so with little or no money there's no point in your current situation.
Why London? Do you think it's more likely you will get work there? I'm born and bread in London and I've been long gone for 15 years now, happy in South Devon. I have fibre broadband that flies and I can video call anyone no problems, I connect to others pcs form home to control them to fix them and video chat with developers, who also work from their homes, my point here is that with technology where it is now, there's just no point in moving to the capital for work, there's more work out of London than in it, trust me.
If I knew where you were and what you'd be willing to do, I could probably point you in the right direction.
As for your mother, I'm thinking she's scared that you'll fail again. Or, maybe she's like my mother, she'd never heard of ADHD and I think she believes it's all made up nonsense anyway.
Don't get down on yourself, this will shine through in every interview you've been on and will go to, that's why you didn't get the jobs most likely.
The trick to living with ADHD is to accept it. Anyone in your life. Saying you can't do this or that, they don't know what you can do, and as you're recently diagnosed, I'm willing to bet you don't know either (I still haven't figured out what I can do either, I positive I can't type or spell though lol)
The DWP lady sounds like she's "parked' you. This is an informal term they used in the past to refer to people who they thought were never giving to get a job and soon she will start offering you a telephone appointment instead of you going in, then the telephone call will reduce over time until finally you're just being written to.
Get proactive - it's your life so figure out what you want to do with it - if your decision is to end it and sit on your eternal little fluffy cloud strumming your harp then that's up to you, but procrastinating about the long list of things you need to sort out in your life just makes it harder to tackle.
For example, I'm a fat bugger and I joined a gym and for the first few weeks I went, but then it was less frequent and before long I just stopped going. The thing was when I'd think about going Id make a rough list of what I'd need to do, like drive tot the gym, get a good parking space, then get changed and then do 90 ,injures, then into the showers and then drive home went then wash my gym clothes, etc. etc. this is the worst thing anyone can do. By simply focusing on getting in the car and driving to the gym only, it becomes more acceptable to start it and less overwhelming.
I now go regularly and I am loosing weight.
My example shows you proof that by breaking any task or project down into much simpler, smaller parts it's easy to do as the next step just flows naturally and you don't have to think about it.
Step 1: make a list of things you want to do. Step 2: for every item on your list, get a new page and break each one down into more steps. Step 3: If still overwhelmed, repeat steps 1 & 2.
Believe it or not, but this is mindfulness at its best. I felt like a child when someone wrote this to me, I read it thinking "Christ, what a twat, who does this arsehole think he is?" But slap me red and call me Shirley if the whole dam thing doesn't work, because it really does, it's changed my life.
I'm happy to offer you advice, if you'd prefer a private message to exchange phone numbers, that's fine with me.
Good luck and please reply Olson to let us know how you're getting on.
Wavey75
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 22, 2014 0:59:33 GMT
Hi progirl,
This has interested me army daughters employer has indeed been bullying her via emails, texts and demanding she ring her to discuss work matters - all during a 2 week period following her being rushed to A&E for surgery or she'd have died.
This manager still expects her to do work from home and take responsibility for on call out of hours phones while she's still taking tramadol hydrochloride for the pain as she has an open wound that will take at least 8 weeks to heal.
It really depends on who you work for, small companies will get sick of anyone needing a3rd person to instruct any staff on how to do their jobs, etc.
It also depends on the nature of your role, type of business (private or public sector) for example a bank trader wouldn't last 10 seconds if they had to have an advocate present at every meeting, etc.
When I worked in IT help desk, everything was emailed to me or in help desks queues, so there was really no need to my boss to give me verbal instructions, etc.
I now can't grasp the full picture of what anyone tells me verbally, so I just ask them to repeat it slower as I have a gearing difficulty. If an. Immediate decision from any peer is required I simply reply " I'll get back to you on that" if this is not agreeable, then I simply turn the task around to that person by asking if this is something that I can receive in an email as I am currently concentrating on the last task and Ido not wish to jeopardise my high standards of workmanship by focusing on another project while I an still fully committed to my current workload.
I hope this helps you and I am also interested in hearing your concerns.
Wavey75
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Post by Wavey75 on Aug 22, 2014 0:44:38 GMT
Just seen this ... When I asked my psych about declaring ADHD he said "but you haven't got ADHD, you're taking Concerta, n So there's no real need to inform them..."
I eventually did and they sent me a form to fill in and return, all of which I did electronically, simples.
I never stopped driving at all during this whole 6 month period, wasn't aware were supposed to?
Woops lol
Wavey75
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