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Post by carly31 on Jul 19, 2014 18:49:51 GMT
here's an oldy... CCR - lookin out my backdoor TUNE!!
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Post by carly31 on Jul 19, 2014 18:42:55 GMT
Sorry. This was the first song I ever remember liking aged 9. I think the BPM should have been an ADHD give away!
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Post by carly31 on Jul 19, 2014 17:24:25 GMT
Interesting article, worth the read. His website has a long winded questionaire that takes forever but I was not impressed by it because it only narrowed my problems down to four of his types and then looked like it was going to try & sell me a cure. Ring of fire ADHD sounds terrifying doesn't it!? There's another thread about this somewhere. I quite liked the idea but brain scanning has not been shown to be very accurate has it?
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Post by carly31 on Jul 19, 2014 10:01:42 GMT
Yes I can relate to this. Have a read around attachments and broken attachments. The majority of us will have been let down at some point in our childhood for whatever reason. If we learn at a young age that people can hurt us- doesn't have to be full blown abuse, maybe a parent with adhd or school that didn't recognise our learning needs- we learn that people, especially adults, will not meet our needs and that they're not safe. So we find ways of coping to avoid being hurt. The more we were hurt, the more distrust we have. The good thing is if this is the issue then it's already on the way to recovery. We can be less harsh on ourselves and understand why social interaction causes so much anxiety. They say that rejection hurts so much because it reminds us how much we really do need eachother for survival. That helped me understand that if I get rejected from one person, there'll always be somebody else. It's just the way we roll, it's in our makeup!
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Post by carly31 on Jul 15, 2014 18:29:22 GMT
Meditation is anything that brings you to the present moment- it's just finding the right thing we can hold attention to or get around to doing!! I do find it very helpful. I've always had issues with anger and if i don't express it it builds and builds. I'm always the one who speaks up in those situations where everyone else goes quiet. Maybe it is the ADHD. It's normal emotion without the self-control to prevent it coming out. It's a double edge sword. I'm actually a very kind sensitive person but these horrible emotions just burst out and I instantly regret it. hmmm well maybe trying to find better ways of expressing anger is an idea...
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Post by carly31 on Jul 14, 2014 2:56:50 GMT
"Nice positive response. I don't meditate because I just can't sit still long enough but I have started taking up Tai Chi again which really helps." I did a meditation course awhile back and someone said they got so angry they couldn't do it. They were advised to undertake "walking meditation instead". Might be worth a try. I used to walk around in circles in my bedroom (and to be honest I still do it in the house but only when the wife is out). It helps calm me down. I can get a really good tempo going. I get the same thing with mediation, I get really angry. But I suppose that means that those are the dominant feelings you're feeling, they just come to the surface. Walking meditation is brilliant. Just remember to do it at half the pace you normally do
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Post by carly31 on Jul 13, 2014 10:42:33 GMT
Thank you for sharing your stories with me and thank you for being so understanding. @journeyman there is definitely something about remorse that helps us move forward, unfortunately many people do not actively show us remorse. That is the most difficult thing to come to terms with. It leaves us feeling invalidated and worthless. My abuser showed no remorse whatsoever, they gave him the biggest sentence that was available for the crime he committed. I'd even go as far to say that his defense lawyer messed things up on purpose because she knew he was guilty. The police officer who dealt with the case was clearly disturbed by his arrogance. On a lighter note- qigong is pretty good for ADHD- the structure is less strict than tai chi but very similar practice, is more like dance, you can add or take your own enthusiasm! twix yes the drama triangle is a brilliant way of looking at our lives and an art form staying out of them! People always trying to drag us into them, everywhere we turn there's a little hook to reel us in! I have been better at recognising the cues but my impulsiveness gets me in trouble sometimes/ all the time!. I've been having psychotherapy and EMDR and I'm also trying massage therapy. I'm in the middle of doing a research project about identity to, which has been the most cathartic process so far. fjord it sounds like you have truly stepped into the middle of the drama triangle- that's the position of observer btw- not playing the game. It sounds like you have found peace. I guess with me, I have been more conscious of my bullying/ dismissive side, so my bully just comes out briefly in a flash and then I either apologise or make a clear effort to let the person know it I feel like an idiot and that it's not them. It's hard to get the balance between these. Non-verbal communication works best for flashes of anger- for me and others seem to be forgiving to. I got into Buddhism about 7 months ago so I do try very hard not to cause anything any harm anymore. I don't eat meat and I buy everything with as much education about the suffering caused to humans, animals and land as is possible without starving myself. I guess the most problematic symptom of adhd for me in the impulse control. I guess if I can find peace then the impulses won't be so negative, that's what I'm going to try anyway!
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Post by carly31 on Jul 12, 2014 10:19:58 GMT
I'm really sorry to hear you had such a harsh time in your childhood. I'm sorry that I'd have been a part of that in someone else's life to.
With regards to bullies -I had poor attachments to dismissive emotionally cold women and my secure attachment to my father was broken because he'd never turn up when he was meant to. I remember sitting in the widow waiting, and waiting... While he sat in the pub getting drunker and drunker... (my parents separated when I was two).
In school teachers were always disappointed with my performance- the usual adhd stuff - to me I was just worthless and was being punished for being myself. I was nice in primary school albeit a bit defiant with authority but I had lot of friends. I was sexually assaulted when I was 11yrs - I recently won a court case for that, he got 6yrs. My ptsd was triggered during this and has been with me for about 5yrs now - it was then I went off the rails and just turned into a hateful drug/alcohol abusing self harming child. I didn't feel like the right gender and I was struggling with my sexuality. I was rejected by my male peers during puberty because I wasn't the same as them anymore, I was a woman!
I recently noticed that I tend to seek the approval of dismissive people and realised that I've been looking up to bullies! That's when I realised that I must be the same as them. All of this anxiety and inner turmoil I feel is a result of all the shit I've caused people in my life. I believed I was a bad person, deep in my core. On the surface I try to belive I'm kind, I do everything in my power to be compassionate and caring. But I'm so volatile. The truth is never far away. Getting this diagnosis has separated my adhd problems and my unresolved trauma-which is the cause of my hating. It's the Mix of hatred with an impulse control disorder that is most dangerous (not physically, emotionally). I don't feel like a bad 'person' now I've realised this but I'm ashamed of my behaviour and ashamed to think of how I hurt people along the way. Don't really know where to go from here.
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Post by carly31 on Jul 11, 2014 21:36:04 GMT
I was just reading through some stuff about how to deal with a colleague who is a bit of of bully.
Only, it's come to my attention that I'm a bully to. It started in secondary school as a way of protecting myself. I was pretty horrible to people, always fighting with boys and targeting people I didn't like. I was trying to be the horrible vile person that I thought I was. I'd hate people who could do things quicker than me. I was so vile that my mum gave up on me by the end.
In my adult life I try very hard to be nice and understanding of others. Which 100% true I really do care.But I'm hit and miss. I'm volatile, frustrated easily and treat people like shit sometimes. I always feel so bad after iv done something. Or said something dismissive to someone.
I wonder if this is because I Learnt to do this instead of developing the normal way and have carried this bulling streak with me into adulthood. How do I do stop? Has anyone had anger management?
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Post by carly31 on Jul 9, 2014 0:01:32 GMT
I bought some blutack! Been playing with that every time I get an urge to pick my hair. I think it's impulse control thing for me. My hyperactivity not being channeled properly. God today was bad, I was so nervous I couldn't stop squirming in my seat and the more I squirmed the more Anxious I got!! Since giving up all drugs and alcohol my adhd had really come into its own. I understand now why I couldn't just have one drink!
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Post by carly31 on Jul 6, 2014 15:16:46 GMT
"...sorry I thought I had replied (and been waiting for you to get back to me winding myself up about how bloody rude you are) but this message was saved in drafts...." Yes 'drafts' folder is the bane of my life too. Why don't I ever remember to look at it? I know! Most of the time I haven't even finished writing the damn email! Just go off and do something else and then imagine I've sent it!
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Post by carly31 on Jul 6, 2014 10:53:59 GMT
Or "sorry to take so long to reply." This is definitely my middle name.....fuzzyapologiesfortakingsolongtoreplywuzzy "...sorry I thought I had replied (and been waiting for you to get back to me winding myself up about how bloody rude you are) but this message was saved in drafts...."
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Post by carly31 on Jul 3, 2014 18:03:08 GMT
It's a big part of low self esteem. Constantly getting things wrong and people misinterpreting our unfiltered honesty. Personally I think people should not be so judgmental. I've not met many people who intentionally say hurtful things x
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Post by carly31 on Jul 3, 2014 13:35:55 GMT
A good ability to apologise is essential right? I've lost count of the times I've upset people without really understanding why they're upset or what I've said. I hate how people think you do it on purpose! I can't manage myself let alone your feelings to! :-o
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Post by carly31 on Jun 30, 2014 13:37:12 GMT
The following situation is not uncommon: Walking home from work yesterday. Noticed someone walking towards me, so I pulled in tight to the wall so he could pass, then promptly started texting someone (whilst walking against the wall) Damn near walked into the guy, who wanted to get into the door that I was now blocking so that he could get past me. I realised what had happened and started trying to explain WHY I was preventing his access to his door, and then decided it would be better to just get of his way. So it »should« have gone like "Oh, apologies good Sir! In my attempt to allow you to pass I have inadvertently caused you further inconvenience! Alas! I shall remove myself from this position and allow you to carry on about your business! Good day Sir!" What »actually« happened, went like "Ah! Sorry! I was just.. I thought.. I.. uhh... AAHH!!" *throws hands up in the air and walks away, chuckling quietly* When you read this the first time and wonder whether Bee has a panic disorder not adhd, then think that maybe I don't have adhd afterall, so read this post again to see why people had liked it and realise it was a completely different story to the one I had imagined I had read! This happens a lot!read a few books in my time, I love them when I get into them, but I always have a different plot to everyone else!
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Post by carly31 on Jun 28, 2014 21:19:18 GMT
I deleted my first post so will just re-say what I initially said for anyone who didn't read it. I was wondering whether anyone had ever had problems with either pulling hair out or compulsively checking/pulling split ends? My mum, sister and I have all had longstanding problems with it. I love the sound of the tiny bits of hair snapping and the look of the split hair. It's as if I am in trance when I do it. The only other addiction I can say it is similar to is gambling. I learnt at a very young age that I was prone to gambling addiction! Even when I look in the mirror I'm checking to see if I can find them! It is compulsive as if I'm driven to do it. I managed to stop for a period of time but over the last few years it came back. It seems to be worst when I'm anxious. I can't stop doing it. I'm not sure if it is because it helps me focus and keeps my hands busy. I do it when I'm in meetings otherwise I start getting agitated and start wriggling in my seat. I was wondering whether anybody else with ADHD experienced this? astraka, that's interesting. I am female combined type, predominantly impulsive see and I think my mum is too. I've been reading more and it's definitely an impulse control disorder. Can you see the ADHD symptoms in her?
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Post by carly31 on Jun 28, 2014 13:38:37 GMT
I've had a run in with body dismorphic disorder (along with others) but I now think that was a result of an intense and long episode of depression and hyperfocus. I think ADHD is the root cause of most of my mh problems I think I have body disomorphic disorder to but it only seems to appear when I'm really stressed. I agree with you. I thought that I must be really ugly and that's why people didn't like me. I honestly thought everyone had the same difficulties as me in day to day life. I never realised until a month ago that it was the adhd! And that's what people find annoying or difficult to understand not my ugliness!
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Post by carly31 on Jun 28, 2014 13:28:34 GMT
Haha I was just thinking about that! I started to build a bike from scratch, so spent weeks researching everything you need to know about bikes- measurements for bottom brackets, head sets, wheels, you name it.... I bought half of what I need. Built the wheels but got bored half way through truing them! I just dug them out now to see if I could rekindle the flame... No. Back in the box they go!
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Post by carly31 on Jun 25, 2014 17:33:05 GMT
Predominantly hyperactive/ impulsive female with inattention to a lesser degree!
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Post by carly31 on Jun 24, 2014 22:50:58 GMT
When you arrive to a meeting on time and then realise you've left the majority of things that you needed for that meeting at home, on your desk, in a neat pile ready to be picked up on the way out! oh well, they can't have it all!!
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Post by carly31 on Jun 24, 2014 22:38:52 GMT
BDP and ADHD have very similar characteristics. Personally, I don't like the term borderline personality disorder- it's not a very accurate description. It's more like emotional instability isn't it? People with ADHD are very sensitive- probably because we've started off in an education system that failed us and then are expected to conform to societal norms- I learnt from a very young age that I wasn't like everybody else- little wonder I have low self-esteem! I'm really moody, up and down, impulsive, hot-tempered. I do tend to think that I hate my friends sometimes when I feel they're not listening to me. Really I'm just really bloody frustrated that I can't cope with the anger I feel in the moment and carry on politely like everyone else!
I think BDP is to do with childhood trauma/unmet needs. There is a lot of stigma attached to this disorder and a lot of misconceptions even within the mental health system. I have often wondered whether I had this to but I think I was just hanging around with people who didn't care about me. My attachment to my mother was insecure and although she did most things right she was emotionally unavailable and lacked the skills to nurture me. In my adult life I just unconsciously played this scenario out over and over with the people I chose to have in my life. I latched on to people who were emotionally unavailable and when they didn't meet my needs I'd be angry with them. I'm not sure if this is the same as BDP? All I know is that I have worked hard over the last 5yrs to understand why I was doing this.
As for infatuations! Well, I get them really bad! The last one was with someone who was obviously feeling the same way. All we did was blush and stutter in each others company. For me, I think it is to do with the intense focus. I love daydreaming about them for hours on end. It's like a drug- it's addictive. If I feel like that about someone, I just ride it out, enjoy the buzz but realise that getting involved would be like taking up heroine as a hobby!
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Post by carly31 on Jun 24, 2014 18:44:46 GMT
Thanks Dave
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Post by carly31 on Jun 24, 2014 17:44:41 GMT
Just realised that it probably wasn't the right place to post this thread! Tried to delete it but can't seem to delete it all! doh!
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Post by carly31 on Jun 22, 2014 9:40:30 GMT
I've been reading more about it. They reckon it's an impulse control disorder. Which totally makes sense for me as I have mixed adhd type. Which is interesting because impulsive behaviors defo run throughout my family. I get the same satisfaction/ repulsion from the piles of broken hair. On the one hand it's fascinating and on the other I question my sanity! Humans are so bloody complicated!
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Post by carly31 on Jun 21, 2014 11:45:56 GMT
Social anxiety and PTSD. I also thought I had boderline personality disorder but I think it is a mixture of these and adhd. The symptoms are really similar, I think the only difference with BPD and ADHD is the rage about unmet needs isn't it? don't quote me on that though.
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Post by carly31 on Jun 17, 2014 22:41:07 GMT
Yes! I've had this for as long as I can remember though more so when I was younger and have tried to find a name for it at various times over the years. Thanks for enlightening me. I feel likes my hands are absolutely huge, really weird sensation and sometimes I have to open my eyes and shake my head to stop it. I also get hypnic jerks quite a lot which can be embarrassing on a train or something and I'm never 100% sure whether I've imagined it. As a child I used to wake up hallucinating and I have this sketchy memory of a recurrent waking nightmare where I could see the devil and he was counting down and I had to get in my parent's bed before he got to 0. Bit out there, but does anyone else feel like they have a memory of bright white lights after being born? The experience I get most often now is of my thoughts morphing from a coherent stream of consciousness to bizarre subconscious nonsense or a strange dream scenario since I so often 'wake up' right on the cusp of sleep. On a sleep based googling tangent now, apparently hearing noises in semi-sleep is called Exploding Head Syndrome! It's such a bizzare feeling isn't it, I quite like it though.
As a 4-5year old I used to hallucinate that there was a farmer at my bedroom door- can still see his face to this day- he stood in the doorway with a horse. I used to get up and try and stroke the horse but it's disappear once I got close. One night the farmer was holding a big jar and it was full of flies, he was teasing me as if to say he was going to let the flies out. I said no but he started laughing and let all the flies out and they filled the room and it made me cry. I kept seeing flies every time it was dark and my step dad brought a plastic lizzard to eat the flies. I could see the lizzard eating the flies on the window-sill! I had a stage when a witch kept appearing by my bed and I could actually feel her poke my sides- that was scary! I also hallucinated that a cockatoo kept poking his head from under the wallpaper on ceiling! I wonder what that was all about? Did anyone else hallucinate as a child?
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Post by carly31 on Jun 15, 2014 19:00:54 GMT
Hi Stevie 1968,
Yes I noticed other people doing what I usually do and it made me feel comfortable with myself. I didn't feel awkward moving about in my seat or looking about the room when I was meant to be listening, nobody was glaring and tutting at me! Having really struggled with my diagnosis for a few weeks it really was what I needed to validate it. The more I talk and share the more it seems that I'm not alone :-D
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Post by carly31 on Jun 15, 2014 0:08:30 GMT
Thank you, Petra, I'm touched, I don't usually hear kind words about my communication skills. I'm better at writing than in real life I think! You've really helped me to, it's nice to hear we have mutual understandings :-)
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Post by carly31 on Jun 14, 2014 22:50:23 GMT
...I wish I had known about Adult ADHD at the beginning of our relationship and I would probably have made very different decisions in my life... ...Maybe we wouldn't have brought another child into the world who is showing all the signs of ADHD as he struggles to deal with the pressures of adulthood... ...don't kid yourself that you can leave the relationship now and stay friends - if he does have ADHD, he will almost certainly demonise you and blame you for breakup... I'll be honest- I'm not surprised these comments caused offense. Just out of curiosity, are you? All three of these comments imply that there is something wrong with a person who has ADHD. Is that what you believe? Would you really not have had your son if you knew he was going to have ADHD? Is that all there is to him? I wonder now if I am right to wish I was never born, so that I wouldn't be a burden on my family and on society. Am I right to feel this way? Maybe your experience of living with a person with ADHD has been really negative and I'm sorry if this is the case. I find it really useful to hear how partners without ADHD experience living with somebody with ADHD but I don't find these particular comments constructive or helpful.
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Post by carly31 on Jun 14, 2014 22:06:48 GMT
Grief is necessary isn't it, I'm not afraid of grief, I try to embrace it because it is the opposite of being content. We can't have one without the other they're part of the same thing. Although grief is very painful, if it's not processed it only builds up in other ways doesn't it. When my cousin died I made sure I took time each day to cry. As a result I don't get to upset about it anymore, he's gone and there is nothing I can do about it. He's in my heart and my memories. I guess that's similar to processing hurt feelings. If you don't cry for them they get stuck. I know I couldn't express my feelings, I couldn't even tell what emotions I felt until a couple of years back, it all just felt like one massive storm- scary and confusing. I still find it difficult to name my feelings but I think that is to do with ADHD. It hinders my PTSD recovery because I can't visualise or focus in a logical order inside my head. I have a white board with the words "Name it" written on it. Every time I get the stormy feeling now I write about it and the answers usually emerge. I went to a meeting last night and I have never felt more at home in my life. I've always felt that nobody understood me. I've always felt so incredibly lonely and last night that went away completely. People not only listened to me but actually identified with me! We had fun talking about our similarities and empathised with our shared pain and nobody got offended or looked at me as if I was from another planet!! Half way through the session I kept looking at people and getting a sense that I had known them all my life. It was quite a peculiar feeling. The people I met not only had ADHD but they were really beautiful characters. I found something inspiring about every single one of them. There really was something glowing and special about them. It has made me view myself less harshly. If I feel like that about them, then they must feel the same about me. The low mood I had been harbouring went away and I actually slept peacefully knowing that I really am not the only person who feels this way. I truly believe that this is the first time I have felt a sense of belonging and what a magical experience it is. I feel so lucky to have found an answer and so privileged to have these discussions with people who actually understand
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