|
Post by computermandan on May 4, 2016 11:06:15 GMT
Dan currently has 3 diaries for 2016. I think I wrote things down on a page in each so far. oops use my mobiles mostly now but forget to look at them too (love the idea of reminder reminders!) really enjoyed the web based rememberthemilk.com but as ever let that slip too. mostly rely on how annoyed people are with me for not doing things to gauge how important they are(were?) but I think that's how I end up getting in bother too so somewhat impractical! (external stimuli you say? ) that said the "Buzz" feeling when you do rediscover your mojo for a short period is WONDERFUL! currently decorating with the aim of getting the house on the market... getting a mortgage appointment booked and done and dusted felt like heaven. almost want to stop and soak up the fulfilment of getting it done for a while. (quite often I do to - "Reward" myself) But then you end up not doing things again. I wish I knew how to "just do stuff" all the time lol
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on May 4, 2016 10:49:17 GMT
I signed up and read a few articles and commented on the forum like parts... it's a little confusing to navigate - mostly because there's a lot there and it's not entirely intuitive. useful info in there re employment and was interesting to listen to some of the videos (yes I said listen) from the conference. I think it will get better as more things are added over time.
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on May 4, 2016 10:44:08 GMT
Thanks for the support one and all smogz101 yup I think you may be right... guess I've got to tow the line regarding dosage titration but I will be "pestering" the GP to see if we can move it quicker somehow? he mentioned doubling the dose each 2 weeks so I guess we'll see what he says. ishara - I can relate to most of what you say - think my experiences (mostly bad) at A-level and the 5-day without sleep caffeine and pro-plus infused last minute handing in of Uni dissertation still unfinished... I mean who develops an online video rental system without getting round to doing the programming?!?) I did start hallucinating at the time and swear I saw the finished product... it looked surprisingly like Netflix does now lmao. Oh where was I ? Oh yeah those stories in my assessment's I'm sure went some way to explaining the difficulties. Also doing an IT degree - all my lectures were made available online immediately, so all the lectures I'd forgotten to go to, or got distracted during - I had the opportunity to revisit later on. Now my only concern work wise is if my employer's "concern" is genuine or actually just hidden performance monitoring... ah well lets just keep trying to be the best we can.... but these 8am-8pm days in a 9-5 job are getting tiresome considering I'm getting the same productivity levels as someone leaving much earlier every day. .... Anyway it's day like erm.. *counts days* ...8! so like a week in. discussed my inability to do any kind of mental arithmetic with the accounts manager here - he thinks I'm dumb now. I think he's a glorified calculator (at least computers don't think you're dumb) I don't think the 5mg dose is having much of an effect. positives = no side effects either though. missed 2 doses so far (forgetful!)... cheekily took a double dose on Saturday afternoon for the hell of it to use up 1 missed pill. didn't notice any difference then either. remembered to collect the rest of my prescription at the weekend, amused all over again at the multiple signatures and ID I needed to provide because it is "a controlled substance". I wonder if everyone has to do that everytime???
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Apr 28, 2016 8:52:27 GMT
ok two days in... took todays first dose a little late after working pretty much all night. I think I may be a little more "switched on" than usual but other than that I don't think there is much in the way of noticeable change, again this in itself could be more due to the initial "excitement" of making real progress. will keep posting in a diary fashion
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Apr 26, 2016 11:08:58 GMT
Ok... so saw the doctor.
he checked weight, blood pressure and height. looked up the local rules and regs on what he should do with methlyphendiate and then prescribed 90 x 5mg medikinet.
for diary purposes...
took the first 5mg dose at 10:40am - now 12pm and feel "awake" not sure if just placebo effect for the moment though. acting a little giddy according to a friend/colleague.
lets see how this progresses.
Pharmacist only had a third of the prescription so I have to go back and collect the rest on Friday. noted mentally I need to budget for the cost of prescriptions somewhere too otherwise I will end up short at some point. do they do a prescription direct debit? lol
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Apr 22, 2016 11:25:22 GMT
so.. work asked for a copy of my letter. I obliged to see what would follow. They've offered me a lot of support (albeit while suspiciously asking if I can still perform in my "primary" role). so we are enforcing some of the structural changes brought about by recent disciplinary procedures which will basically help me to remember to do stuff. I've also been able to openly express some other grievances that they've acknowledged and understood from my perspective. Maybe they will or won't deal with them who knows. in other news they also encouraged me to contact my GP to find out the next step instead of waiting to hear from them. setup a phone appointment and.... I now have a Tuesday AM visiting appointment where I think I will be getting setup with whatever the first stages of medication will be... unless of course I misunderstood the GP on the phone that is
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Apr 18, 2016 13:55:07 GMT
okay so approximately one month (4 weeks ish [cant be bothered to actually count]) since diagnosis appointment... my copy of the report from Maudsley arrived...
explanation behind diagnosis...
Despite lacking childhood evidence in DIVA(?) questionnaire and surrounding evidence, something to do with coping due to high intelligence masking impairment at younger age. suggested diagnosis of Adult ADHD subtype Inattentive 3 point something
suggested starting on 5mg Methylphenidate to be titrated in 2 week periods...
possibility that titration period of 3 months being prescribed by Maudsley depending of what the local people decide regarding funding. (seemingly if they wont fund initially then they need to let Maudsley know so they can apply for funding?)
if it goes down Maudsley 3 month route then after three months they will hand over I assume???
it's all sounding very political now... "ok we've decided what we want to do! Now who's paying???" interesting yet ever so slightly frustrating at the same time....
*goes back to administer further caffeine intake to maintain forward motion*
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Apr 6, 2016 9:47:13 GMT
fairly introverted very innatentive here... happier in solitude because it's not hard work trying to fit in with conversation and my favourite thing is laying in the British sun (rare I know) as it's not too hot, with my headphones on listening to any kind of music I can get completely lost in. ultimate recharge! meant to add... all this changes when alcohol becomes involved... extroverted hyperactive then with very very bad consequences generally, so moderation is definitely a must for me.
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Apr 6, 2016 9:40:08 GMT
Don't do it! win 10 is great once our not-yet-antique-machines get the right drivers to run the hardware... (same as any O/s upgrade) that is only the fault of lazy hardware manufacturers not kicking out new drivers and providing them to MS in time... if you ask me... take a new machine and install win 10 with the latest version. nice, everything built and installed within the hour and literally no waiting around while it's installing (usually when I forget what I'm doing) I LOVE it! yet I can see peoples frustrations and I have dealt with peoples frustrations because once you make it... windows 10 actually does work. bear with it I'd say. only REAL issue I've had to date is not being able to prevent small updates, and a weird US keyboard layout switch thing that's happened twice so far... (I'm working with around 20 win10 machines so far of varying ages) CMD.
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Apr 6, 2016 9:14:45 GMT
Penny, straight A's for observation. Penny, I hope for your sake you don't run from all of life's problems. Penny, Cheer up Think perhaps I was a little harsh sounding now I've read this back. perhaps a little sensitive to the whole "I'm trapped" scenario... something I may well have heard a lot in recent years. maybe a better judgement call would be to point out this is, from my experience, on a scale. Some of us are bad at the things you mention. Some are awful. Some ridiculously careless. ADHD "mistakes" and being careless or care free are two very different things in my opinion. if you don't care about the damage your mistakes may cause, be it literal or some kind of psychological impact, then you're not being very nice at all. dealing with these issues in a shared partnership, whilst difficult to negotiate at first, should be a case of finding a way to prevent serious mistakes recurring by sharing different responsibilities. in my case I've turned out not to be the career driven "reach for the sky" individual I thought I was (and possibly 'sold' myself as when I met my wife). despite still wanting to be every day. - The chap who accidentally lets the kids stay up till god knows when if my wife goes out for the evening.
- The chap who has great ideas on fixing up the house, starts big projects wilfully, only to end up leaving piles of tools and materials and generally unfinished jobs everywhere.
- The person who tries to "help" when he sees how stressed out the wife is getting by doing the washing, but forgets to take it out at the end.
- who promises to fill and empty the dishwasher every day but generally never gets round to it
- who fails to make it to bed nearly every night due to passing out at some point downstairs as he's unable to sleep if he heads to bed at a time considered "reasonable"
- who also fails to get up and get going for work every morning despite multiple alarms and so on that serve only to wake up everyone else in the house
- who snaps at the kids when they don't do as they're told, somewhat unreasonably, mostly because he's accidentally get away with pushing the boundaries for so long.
There's so many more. These are certainly the day to day 'trivial' issues that I can think of off the top of my head too... When you don't even see how damaging that is until it's too late, and when even when it's too late you cant get your head round why these things are such an issue in the first place... I have learned to understand there is a problem... (ooh just remembered I don't hear things, never mind listen to things i'm told - that's a biggie in our house) I have somewhat gone against the grain in trying to tackle it/seek a diagnosis... against friends, family and my spouses thinking - "you're looking for an excuse", "how is it going to help anyway?", "why do you want to be labelled?", "that's just a made up thing for kids!" (and they were just the honest people who said what they thought!) My only answer to the doubters was that I have to do something because I'm going wrong here... depression.. marriage break up on the horizon. none of us wanted that at the start. All I need now is buy in form the most important people to me... I still doubt that it's fully there, but I'm trying hard to overcome my faults and be good enough for everyone else to accept me. I guess all I'm saying is that if the ADHD person in your life is trying, really trying, then you're kind of both in the trap. neither wanted to be in it, both want to be happy. I said to my wife only last week as we came to another "head" so to speak... if you really really feel so trapped, then you are the one who can break free of it on your own. you CAN go somewhere else and get on. I have to live with this issue regardless. it went downhill from there, I hate being accused of making excuses when I'm just trying to explain myself... (hang on is that actually making excuses? pah I dunno?) anyway what my waffle is aiming to suggest is that we're all unique. every single one of us, adhd impaired or not. So I can't agree with your blanket statements of "lifelong carer", "never have your own emotional needs met", "100% financial responsibility" then "RUN as fast as you can" these are not the case with everybody. I am not the best with our money. but I... yes ME have managed it (somehow haphazardly) since I got married. I have made MANY mistakes along the way and BAD BAD decisions... but they're ALWAYS on me. I take the blame and shoulder the looks of disgust from family etc etc. I also take the shame of seeking advise from friends... "how do you budget like that?". Some of us CAN do some things better than others. just like anyone. and take responsibility for their own shortcomings. sorry for the mumbling... this has bothered me since I first replied and I think I need to steer away from this section in future... Dan.
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Mar 22, 2016 15:16:29 GMT
YKTYHADHDW.... you try so hard to listen to your boss' intricately detailed plans for the company's internal network, and then catch onto him saying something that sounds like jelly babies and without realising you start mouthing the words JELLY BABIES as if you might be a whale speaking English in a whale speak voice.
Then you notice you forgot to listen somewhere and so ask a random question to seem as if on track but accidentally ask "where are we putting the jelly babies" at which point you know you've been found out... closely followed by full interrogation on what bits you actually took in...
"Can I have all this in writing please boss?"
I think I might be hungry....
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Mar 8, 2016 17:15:56 GMT
Hang on. Random noises of self amusement doesn't sound right. In fact maybe even a bit wrong!! Giggling like a giddy person perhaps is better
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Mar 8, 2016 17:09:53 GMT
Well. Someone has just been given a diagnosis of adult adhd. Relief isn't the word. I can't sit here quietly on the train much longer, never mind the random noises of self amusement I'm making already! Letter going to GP, funding related query over who is prescribing - I washed over on the detail to be honest but we talked about 3 times a day immediate release stimulants. I forgot to ask what I've just realised. Find out soon tho eh Is is daft to be happy about being diagnosed with a "disorder" ?
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Mar 8, 2016 15:47:40 GMT
Twenty minutes early... Bored. Can't work out the flower pond picture on the wall. I swear I nailed that the first time I was here. Is it under water or a reflection??
Bah. Anyway lots of ppl here and so felt typically awkward.
Just waiting now. Knew I shouldn't have looked at the metro on the way here. There's no more pictures to look at lol.
Ramble ramble ramble. I'm a little anxious I think lol.
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Mar 2, 2016 14:01:04 GMT
Pink Floyd - Goodbye Cruel World
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Feb 26, 2016 10:44:51 GMT
*looks over his shoulder... I think I'm being watched... got a call from Maudsley this morning I have a final appointment on 8th March now... *creeps back into shadows I did wonder about the stimulant side of things, but never remember quite which way round what works if you get me. lol.
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Feb 24, 2016 13:25:36 GMT
I was having a deep conversation with the other half and in the midst of having all the thoughts, I wondered.. Does our impulsivity mean we can trust our thoughts? I mean, sometimes I've asked for help of people and I haven't wanted the help by the time the words have left my mouth. All the thoughts. All the thoughts. (This is deliberate, btw, don't panic, it isn't word salad). The thoughts, they land so often and so briefly, including the bad ones. Which ones do I really mean? Do I have to wait and see which ones hang around? Sometimes the bad thoughts hang around. Like, I think I'm not the only one, I walk into a bank and I think, it'd be cool to rob a bank. I might even start planning one. I'd never do it, but I'm at fault for thinking about it? At what point is it bad? Thinking about it, mock planning, buying a balaclava. And the good ones, are they really me or are they just me having 'all the thoughts'? Sometimes I wish I was a lot more stupid, or had less thoughts, which is much the same thing. WOW.... I've been like this since I was a kiddie... thought it was just me and my madness. you've pretty much just described my daily commute (where it worsens), especially when the radio is on a station with news! sometimes my own random "i wonder if" chains of thought make me wonder if I need locking up, then you kind of snap back into reality and think "naah don't be dumb"... or maybe that IS just me ? ?
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Feb 24, 2016 12:55:59 GMT
hehehe - this made me giggle. identify with this So much. yet to understand why people think I'm listening to them just because I happen to be looking in their general direction (if they looked harder they might note glazed eyeballs). as for the Catholic guilt haha - I often shake my head in a "NO stop thinking about that to yourself, it's just plain wrong" Catholic guilt kind of way - so much a good friend (that I've obviously lost touch with) once asked me "Dan whenever you walk past good looking ladies in a nightclub you always start shaking your head about like an excitable puppy... what the hell are you doing???" I used to think of it as 300mph tangent syndrome... I guess now it has a proper name Loving the description I'd say it was pretty accurate alas - I should be working... or so I've just been reminded.
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Feb 24, 2016 12:26:38 GMT
month later... decided to give up sugar in my tea and coffee for lent.. (*brainwashed as a child) ...this has ultimately led to me also giving up caffeine rapidly, because I now can't stand the taste of tea and coffee and coca cola is cheating.
there's some kind of ingrained fear here though because "stuff I gave up for lent" I somehow manage to do really well at not forgetting???
Is it fear of my mother's look of disappointment? doubt it. It is most likely to some subconscious thing about being struck down... but I can't make sense of it. Still it's only two weeks in so I'll probably forget tomorrow and laugh at myself again.
Anyway - I wanted to post because sugar & caffeine free Dan feels different. A little more in control maybe, yet utterly utterly demotivated and disinterested in expending any energy whatsoever. Mind is a little de-fogged but still forgetful and "lazy" and MUCH MUCH more distracted. Goodbye conversation. Good Bye productivity... (well in honesty there wasn't much of that anyway). beginning to wonder if my sweet tooth/8 cups of coffee with 4 sugars in each was making a difference somehow??
This weekend (I had Friday off too) OH was mighty upset when I pretty much left her (on her own) to relocate our kiddies beds around their room, sort out all their toys and clothes and then clean it up after too and move their wardrobes. I put a shelf up. I'd promised to take the washing out of the machine but got kind of distracted. I got "told off", rightly so in fairness, but reacted in the oddest way by telling OH that if she got off her backside and did it she wouldn't have to moan at me forgetting! I apologised on Monday morning but it's another scratch against the "be a better husband" thing. NumptyManDan.
anyway... not heard from Maudsley since late/near miss appointment... let the when to chase up dilemma begin!
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Feb 22, 2016 13:41:12 GMT
I'd hazard a guess that this is exactly how my wife feels right now... actually the daily ritual of letting her down, getting screamed at and wished away would probably make it more of an assumption than a guess... Penny, straight A's for observation. Penny, I hope for your sake you don't run from all of life's problems. Penny, Cheer up
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Feb 10, 2016 12:27:36 GMT
Good Stuff... and "Phew!"
keep going !
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Feb 8, 2016 14:58:05 GMT
oh man this sounds harsh. just had disciplinary at my place for similar kind of things... I got a written warning after an "intervention" but no suspension etc. losing work would be the beginning of the end here too - I can relate to the pressure you must be feeling I hope you can keep going and work out the work issue, and unload on here if needed. I can see some sensible way above my head advice has already been given... just felt the need to offer my support! just keep swimming!
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Jan 27, 2016 12:30:26 GMT
bonji ... you know what you're not failing them at all. You've just been trying so so hard to get where you think you need to be that it's all got a little untidy. I can't say I've been in your exact position but I have some of the same work / family responsibility issues I think. Shedding the worry etc on here really really does help - especially if the experts are making life hard at the minute. chin up and you will get there I'm sure of it
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Jan 18, 2016 11:28:20 GMT
hey we'll get there... one way or another lmao at not raining but purring... hehe. wet cats.
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Jan 15, 2016 17:03:40 GMT
Thanks for the support internet and tv is my escape... as a kid it was non stop football... like every free second, I would miss meals and get into bother for a game of football that said I found out yesterday I'm now getting a "hearing" at work for an official written warning. I went and overdid it at the company work do didn't I... there's rarely an easy to find STOP button when I drink+party. staggered home from London at 6am after getting lost and slept for an hour outside a train station waiting for it to open.. only to wake and realise it was the wrong station and the right one was still open! result = non attendance at work the next day and forgetting to call in. it's not going so well lately. Not sure I know what the COMT 'warrior' gene is? it sounds cool though. Yes to lack of hyperactivity and childhood evidence. One thing I do know is I'm pretty down at the minute. Friends seem to have clocked on and have made an effort to keep checking in on me by text etc so I'm lucky to have them around at least. in a bit of conflict internally - trying to be "the strong one" at home isn't working but there's a deep fear that "buckling" and going down the docs with the depression symptoms will just land me in more misery longer term when the OH subconsciously develops her own fears I can't look after them properly anymore. We've hit that road before and I really didn't enjoy it anyway... I'm not fishing for answers - pretty much venting to get it out of my head.... maybe I'll get to the docs next week ? ? ?
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Jan 13, 2016 12:50:21 GMT
back in the land of "I probably don't have ADHD, I've probably been wasting everyone's time and resources again".
guilty feeling day.
doesn't help having to explain to every concerned soul in the office - they're good colleagues and I know they mean well... blabber mouth prob shouldn't have mentioned it to them all in the first place.
"you were late?!!" "why? I thought it was Important to you!!" "so you have to go back again!?"
groan.
can I hibernate now please ? ? ?
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Jan 12, 2016 20:51:38 GMT
Well I'm terrible.
Arrived 27 minutes late.
Consultant was kind enough to get me "half" the appointment - basically he was on his next appointment but the lady that did the tests last time was free to go over the result so it wasn't a wasted trip.
Results were interesting but I don't think they will affect the diagnosis too much... But that's Dan's random assumption of the day.
Was given some useful suggestions for life and work changes None of which I can remember but the report is in the post!!
Its interesting when you see what they were actually testing for. Seems I'm not too anxious but generally depressive in mood... Low expectations I said lol.
Not sure what to take from it... Really cross with myself for wasting time by not making enough time to get there maybe I will have another think tomorrow...
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Jan 12, 2016 15:27:02 GMT
Oh bums. I'm late. I hope they got my message eeeek.
How can you be late when you give yourself 4 hours to make a 45 minute journey and there are no delays.
GrittIng teeth, crossing fingers hopefully they let me in still
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Jan 4, 2016 17:30:56 GMT
have to say bluedrifter this sounds like one of my phone calls. *mental note - must reign in inner self when on phone. not meaning to divert from the logicalness of the explanation just identify with it too. often in a daze then have to get people to repeat their IT issues. Mum would possibly call this being "off with the fairies" in a sense.
|
|
|
Post by computermandan on Jan 4, 2016 17:24:30 GMT
So.... got a call just before Xmas... I have an appointment with the ADHD chap at Maudsley. (whose name I can never rememeber, except it is long and Greek sounding - apologies if it isn't and for not remembering someone very helpful in the first place etc etc etc) it's on the 12th of Jan - now I'm reliably informed by my good lady wife that this is in fact next week and not "somewhere in the middle of January"... I'm still pretty sure it's somewhere in the middle of January but her version seems sooner so we'll roll with that. it's surprisingly quick for a "decision" (if that's what it is?) based on what I think I was told previously. If I'm honest I'm not really sure what it is I'm going for exactly... but when they call Dan says "YES" and must send boss holiday request immediately, then text wife otherwise everyone hates Dan. Sometimes I even let my parents know but then people ask what "this one's for" and I have no clue because I forgot that bit... little giddy, post xmas/new year recharge as wife is v good at responsible stuff (although a little peeved at do-nothing-Dan) lets see if we can prolong the positivity into spring... anyhoo... happy new year anyone reading... although I do write this for my own sly, selfish benefit in the main it's nice if it's remotely useful to someone. ahoy pirate rum drinker who's had to stop rum drinking because today is back to work day... this post is now longer than it should be and you're spouting nonsense it seems... shhhh.
|
|